My partner (35M, hetero-poly) and I (35F, demi-mono) have been together for 5½ years and we were best friends for 5 years before that. My knowledge of his polyamory going into this relationship was that he had once remarked that he "wanted all of the p*ssy" after a rough breakup from a decade-long relationship, but I think I just took this a some typical guy remark or an indicationofhim wanting to rebound. Last year he floated the idea of becoming actively poly and I admittedly didn't handle it well at first because I felt a bit blindsided. I've been working on it and I've been getting more...accepting...but I'm never enthusiastic about it. I genuinely want him to be happy but I can't help but feel hurt at the same time. We've been working through workbooks and therapy trying to get to a relationship agreement that we can both be good with, but it's still new territory for me and I'm sorting through feelings that I've never really had to confront before.

I love this man, unfortunately, bordering on unconditionally. He's the only person I've ever felt safe to be myself around and we've built a life together. We've been central to each other's lives for over a decade, and I can't stand the thought of not being with him. I cannot stress enough that this is my Person.

He went on vacation this past week with friends (I was unable to go, although I had previously planned to) and when he came back, I had a metamour (20F). I had expected it from this person in particular for a while. She knows we're together but he and I don't know for sure that she knows he's poly, which honestly doesn't endear her very much with me. She seems to be acting like she's his mistress, wanting to keep it secret and doesn't want others to know, which kind of pisses me off to be honest. But when he was talking about her, he was so excited and I liked seeing him excited about it; he was also pretty bummed that she wanted to hide it and I felt sad for him because I don't like seeing him hurt. I still don't think I've reached genuine compersion, though, because so much fear welled up in me that he may come to love her more than me. I actually talked to him about that and he said that while it wasn't the case now, he couldn't rule it out. I, who did all of this work to try to work this out...it could still not be enough for him. If I were him, I'd love me more for all of the anguish I faced and worked through just to try to make it work. I'm genuinely hurt and I'm feeling, what I feel is REASONABLY insecure.

I don't feel like my monogamy is any more a choice than his polyamory. I don't choose to just love one person - I think I'm incapable of loving more than one. And while I'm not HAPPY about him dating multiple people, I WANT to be. I'm just...new to all of this and don't know how to make myself feel secure and loved without his help.

I am just plain sad. I am angry. I am heartbroken. I am all of these things wrapped up in one anxiety wrapped package. I could have gone the rest of my life single, I would have been just fine with that. Instead I met an amazing human, I love them very much, they are everything I could have ever wanted in a partner. Everything I didn't even know I was looking for. As I said, I was perfectly content being single. They wanted to explore poly, I was on the fence about poly because I felt it no longer suited my needs. A string of relationships gone bad, people not prioritizing me in ANY capacity, the cruelty, the mental gymnastics it takes to be ok with the person you love loving someone else/having sex with someone else, and me simply not wanting to deal with people and their bullshit any longer, I had decided to kind of step away for a bit. On this long break, I was getting my own head on straight, prioritizing *myself*, and learning to navigate my own life on easier mode. It was pretty nice. It was simple.

Then I met my partner. I knew they wanted to explore and I was truly ok with that at the beginning. However , I never thought I would be in so far over my head with someone that I couldn't accept them doing whatever they wanted to. I am suddenly anxious, I am suddenly possessive, I am suddenly not ok with the thought of ever sharing my partner. It is BREAKING me knowing that I am not enough for them. That I will never be enough.

How can someone claim they are blissfully happy and satisfied with me and yet still want to go out and bang other people? Love other people? Am I not do enough? Why am I not enough?

I want to break it off, I have asked to break it off, they are convincing me to stay, saying that I don't know what the future holds. Maybe they will hate it, they say. Yeah, well, maybe they won't. In fact, I'd bet on them loving it because it gives them new people to meet, new people to bang, people that are younger, less broken, and definitely nicer than me. How is that not appealing? So, all this is going to do is kick this shit filled can down the road even further . Entangling our lives even further, making it even more difficult to pull apart when the time comes where I won't be able to handle the anxiety, the depression, the self loathing, the resentment. I can't be excited about my person loving someone else, sharing intimacy with someone else, telling someone else they are amazing, going places and sharing experiences with someone else. I don't want to be excited about someone taking time away from me. I don't want to be excited about any of it.

For once in my life I seriously wish I was enough.

I know how this will end.

And I am the effing idiot in this whole rotten story because I'm not choosing myself. I'm choosing the happiness of someone else over my own better judgement yet again. A shitty pattern that I can't seem to escape no matter how much therapy I have.

I just wish I was enough for one damn person out there.

I’m a monogamous man that has been seeing this woman I met who is married to another guy. They have been together for almost 20 years but I guess they have the ability to see other people and when she pitched this idea and their situation by me, I decided to try it. She was just too beautiful. We’re all friends who hang out but my romantic interactions are solely with her. We do threesomes from time to time but I have zero interaction with her husband during that, it’s just all about her, as we’re all straight. I have also been with her alone. She and I talk regularly and we have a good connection, but I just can’t shake this deep sadness that I’ll never be able to actually be with her. I know the theory, I know how it works, and I know my place in this thing, but I still can’t separate the feelings I have for her from the logic of it all.

I know I’ll always be second fiddle to her. I know I’ll never be as important as her husband. We have our moments together and I enjoy them incredibly when we’re in them. When we’re together alone, she makes me feel like we’re the only thing that matters in this world; her focus solely on me, her gaze looking at me as if I’m the next best thing since sliced bread. However, at the end of the day, I go home, alone, and she gets to have more of the same with someone else that I’ll never measure up to when I’m gone, and I can’t help but feel that our moments together are cheapened by that fact. In the end, I know I’m probably just a fun toy to her; a side character. I can’t wait to talk to her throughout the day, but I know that no matter how much flirting and romantic banter and connection between us there is, there will be someone else she’s fulfilling that with while I sit on my couch, staring at the tv, because I can’t be around her everyday like he can. This has been the weirdest combination of happiness and sadness for me and while they get to talk to each other about this situation, about me, and bounce their thoughts and anxieties about this relationship back and forth between the two of them, I sit with it, alone, in my head, because none of my friends or family know about this; they’d think I’m an idiot (probably rightly so) or just wouldn’t understand it.

I know what the standard advice is, go find your primary, don’t be in a situation that doesn’t work for you, go and talk to other people, yaddah yaddah yaddah. I get it. I know the score, and what the only solution is. I’m never gonna ask her to replace her person, that’s just disrespectful and not my place. I just can’t bring myself to walk away. I know it’s an inevitability at some point. This will end. They will remain, and I will be just another notch, but I just want to be around her as much as I can until then. Maybe that makes me a masochist or an idiot or a myriad of other things, but the thing is, I was miserable before her, now I’m miserable still, but with her. I’m lucky someone like her even looked in my direction; that she was interested. Going back to how it was before doesn’t seem appealing to me, but neither does this weird situation I’m in. Every day, I feel this emptiness and deep sadness about not being able to be with her the way I want to be. They are both very nice people and she has been incredibly respectful about my feelings and making sure I’m okay, but I haven’t brought this up to her. It’s just not something that can be helped, and it’s not her fault. I don’t wanna sour the little bit that I do get. Until the end, I’ll just sit with it.

Anyway, this has gotten long enough. I’m sorry for the discombobulated thoughts. I guess I’m not really looking for advice. I know what the advice is, which I stupidly won’t heed. I just wanted to say it. To someone. To anything. The void.

Thank you.

Hi all! Long post incoming, throwaway account.

So I’ve (F23, lesbian) been seeing this girl (F25, bisexual) for about a month and a half now. It started off pretty casually, we were friends for about a year who turned into something more recently. I care an awful lot about her and have conveyed that care in as many ways as I can express nonverbally.

I have a deep fear of rejection so I’ve been putting off having the “what are we” conversation with her. We finally had it two nights ago while we were both drunk wherein she told me she cares a lot about me and wants to continue where we’ve been going in getting to know each other and remaining close and intimate. She also stated she can’t offer me commitment at the moment but hasn’t been seeing anyone else romantically.

This is where my questions arise. After our conversation two nights ago we had an extremely productive sober conversation last night. She acknowledged that she brought it up at a bad time and fucked up there. But she restated that she can’t offer me labeled commitment quite yet. And that she cannot be sexually monogamous, but has and could be romantically monogamous. I have a very low libido and would be happy with sex once a month, if that. I’m also pretty monogamous but I’m open to trying new things and have never really been in a long term committed relationship. She stated she wants to keep building on what we’ve worked on and that she loves me. As a friend but also as more than that. I love her as well, and I could see this arrangement working well for us. I’m open and willing to try.

I guess at the moment I’m at a place of looking for evidence of this kind of relationship working. Especially as queer women. I care deeply for her and want to be with her, but I also know the romantic and fantasy side of me can get carried away.

We aren’t labeled yet, and the label matters less to me than clear, open communication and trust. She can’t offer me labeled commitment yet but she is willing to give me everything I’ve asked for so far. Which is basically a heads up re her having sex with mutual friends, and not involving anyone else in her life romantically. I feel safe in sharing my discomforts and potential issues with her. My gut feeling is to give her a chance and see where this goes.

TLDR; Mono lesbian pursuing ENM bisexual woman and growing towards something more than situationship/FWB. Am I out of my depth? Is it realistic to keep pursuing this? Should I cut my losses and run? Does anyone have personal experience pursuing this dynamic? LMK! Willing to answer any follow up questions.

Hey everyone,

I’m writing this because I honestly don’t know anymore if I’m just hurt, processing loss, or if we genuinely don’t fit anymore and I think I just need some outside perspectives and maybe a few kind words.

I’m in my early 30s( M34) and I’ve been with my girlfriend (F31) for 8 years.

I still love her deeply and I genuinely believe she still loves me too.

Over the years our relationship became heavier though.

Around 2 years ago she got diagnosed with ADHD. I supported her through it a lot and tried to be there, but looking back I think around that time I slowly started pulling away emotionally too.

I was often in my head, dissatisfied with myself and life, carrying a lot internally and probably became more distant than I realized.

She told me later she felt unseen and slowly lost herself.

Around February this year she started talking more and more to another guy.

He was a former coworker and she had been somewhat of a supervisor to him.

The conversations became more frequent and eventually turned into sexting.

At that point I knew nothing about it.

The first time she told me she had been talking to someone, I looked through her phone that same evening.

I had NEVER done that before in 8 years.

Not once.

I found the messages and sexting.

For her this was a huge breach of trust and I understand why.

Her previous relationship apparently had a lot of controlling behavior, jealousy, checking phones etc. and this hit a massive wound for her.

She later told me that maybe if I had not looked through her phone it would never have escalated this far and maybe everything would have faded naturally.

And honestly… I don’t know what to think about that.

Part of me feels guilty.

Another part struggles because the connection, messages and sexting already existed at that point.

Only after all this came the conversations about unhappiness, self-discovery, freedom, questioning monogamy, relationship structures etc.

About a month ago I even suggested a relationship break myself because everything felt stuck and overwhelming.

During that break she had sex with him.

She doesn’t see herself as cheating and objectively I understand why.

She was open afterwards, we talked and instead of leaving I tried to understand.

Since then I’ve been reading books about attachment, open relationships, jealousy, possessiveness, identity and all of that.

I really tried to question myself.

The thing is… I think I’m slowly realizing I’m probably just monogamous.

Not because I want control.

Not because I think I own anyone.

But because intimacy, exclusivity and the feeling of choosing each other are deeply connected for me.

My girlfriend says she still loves me, wants a future with me, but she also wants this form of relationship right now and openly told me she finds this guy attractive and wants to explore that side.

And I think I’m slowly realizing I can’t do it.

I’m neglecting responsibilities, constantly thinking, losing myself and still secretly hoping she’ll one day say:

“Fuck it, let’s just be together and find our way again.”

But I don’t think that’s going to happen.

The crazy thing is:

If she told me tomorrow “I only want you” — I would stay.

I still love her completely.

But I think if openness remains part of the relationship permanently, I’ll eventually have to leave even though I don’t want to.

Has anyone ever gone through something similar?

Did anyone experience their partner wanting an open relationship after many years together?

Or someone developing feelings / attraction for someone else during a rough phase?

How did you know whether you were truly incompatible or whether you were just processing pain and loss?

And is it okay to want exclusivity, commitment and a partner who chooses the relationship without automatically being possessive?

Honestly I think I also just need some kindness right now.

Edit 1:

Hello guys,

thank you so much for all the replies. Maybe there will be more over time, but they already help a lot. It honestly feels a bit like having friends giving advice and different perspectives.

It was also relieving to hear opinions that didn’t immediately tell me that I simply don’t understand something or that this is only my patriarchal view of relationships stopping me from seeing clearly.

After reading my own post again, I also realized I maybe didn’t highlight enough of her good qualities and maybe that’s one reason why people are immediately siding with me.

She has always been an incredibly caring person.

She always wanted the best for me — health wise, career wise and in general. She supported me a lot.

She also suffered a lot during the time where I emotionally pulled away and where the relationship became heavier.

It’s not that I did nothing, but I think I stopped doing romantic things and emotionally showing up the way she needed. At least that is how she experienced it.

I was often just laying on the couch, sleeping, existing and not really living.

And during that time she didn’t leave.

She stayed.

I think part of why this is so hard for me is because now I feel like I should have more understanding and empathy for her side because she carried us for a long time too.

TL;DR: Me (34M) and my girlfriend (31F) have been together for 8 years. She developed feelings / attraction for another man during a rough phase, we took a break and she slept with him during it. She now wants openness, I think I’m realizing I’m monogamous and I don’t know whether this is incompatibility or grief. He

I am so emotionally and mentally exhausted.
Does it happen often that one moment y’all feel okay with the fact that your partner is poly and theres an instant switch where you arent able to handle it at all? Why cant the first feeling stay, so tired of not being understanding. It has started reflecting in my relationship with them, I have become so sad in life, that I keep upsetting them for no reason, I am always irritated, and I am not this person at all. The only time we get together, we spend that in crying.
I tell myself all the time to be happy with the fact that they love me so much, my focus should be on that but something or the other would trigger me and I fall back into a spiral.

I’m in a queer poly relationship (30F & 31F, been together 6 months) and I want it to work so much. I love her so much. When we met i didn’t wana be poly (at least not from the get go) but she was very clear that she is poly in her nature (not being poly would be like taking away a part of her) and was already in a relationship with someone who lives in a different city and has a serious relationship there, so they only see eachother every few weeks. It’s basically what I think is the ideal launching pad for polyamory bc I’m not constantly having to face it. But still, I struggle so much right before, while and after they see eachother. The hardest part for me by far is the idea of them having sex. It’s so fucking painful and makes me resentful. And while in the beginning we would talk about it a lot, now I feel like I know that if I bring her other partner up I will end up feeling like shit and distance myself from her, so I avoid it. This doesn’t mean I don’t think about it all the time, but it’s different actually saying the words, and her partner’s name… I also realise I keep hoping they end things 😖 I just hate having to feel all this discomfort and pain over it and really could do with encouragement or words of wisdom of how to deal with the difficult feelings of resentment and distancing myself.

My partner (M31) and myself (F23) are expecting a baby in September. We had been on and off for a while but after I announced my pregnancy we had begun to act as “boyfriend” and “girlfriend,” without ever establishing that we were a couple. A few days ago he tells me he wants non-monogamy and would ideally like to have 3-4 partners that don’t have sex with other men. A lot for me to process although he might’ve insinuated wanting this relationship dynamic while never saying it directly. Anyways he also told me that he had already been having sex and talking to a woman (46) for a few weeks now. He wants us to be a family unit and live together essentially. Says he doesn’t want to lose me and that it doesn’t mean he loves me any less or that the memories we make aren’t any less special. He claims she could really help us as she’s well off financially and would help with childcare. Before all of this happened we had broken up because I was unfaithful and me becoming pregnant once we started talking again was an accident. He claims our baby would be incredibly loved in this home. I’m torn and realize this sounds ridiculous but I need help. Anyone else ever struggle with anything like this and how did you go about it?

Update: would it be completely unreasonable if I just left with all my stuff while he’s at work? Basically told me that he isn’t gonna change his mind and that him and this woman haven’t had a chance to form a real connection because he’s had to spend so much time reassuring me. And I just can’t see myself in a future where I’m living in a house with three other women have sex with my partner with us having no freedoms of our own

it hurts :(

EDIT: it feels like I'm doing something wrong and I shouldn't love a poly person as much as I do but I love them so much and them being poly is so really hard for me. am i not good enough? do they love me as much as i love them? they say they do but wouldn't i be your only one if you did?

EDIT 2: I typed this while I was spiraling, not just about the relationship stuff but overall mental health stuff. And I kinda needed to shout into a void. My mental goes kinda back and forth a lot so during those times a lot of insecurities show themselves even if I'm not thinking about it/are big deals otherwise. Thanks for everyone that read this and especially those who commented, even though I typed this as a "void shout" and I didn't really expect and responses it was nice to see people reading it and commenting on. I'll keep those things in mind in the future too. Thanks everyone

I am 50, monogamous by orientation, ten days into no contact after a three year long distance relationship with a poly-identified woman I'll call Jen. We lived about 500 miles apart in different states. The arrangement we had was monogamy by mutual agreement, but she identified as polyamorous underneath the agreement. I am posting because that configuration is one this sub knows well.

Quick arc.

Year one, I had been operating under a monogamous frame. Six months in Jen came home from a festival and disclosed an outside connection to me in bed, after the fact. I did not leave.

December 2023. After extended conversation we agreed to be monogamous. Mutual agreement, explicit, both sides on record.

2024 through late 2025. Monogamous, by mutual agreement. I had what I thought was a primary monogamous partnership.

Late 2025 onward. Jen secretly broke the agreement. A musician local to her city, who I'll call Mike, became a five month sustained concurrent connection at weekly cadence, emotional and sexual and undisclosed, which continues today. Mike is married to Lily, in a poly arrangement; Lily negotiated explicit terms about how Jen entered Mike's polycule, including no overnights with Jen. Jen honored those rules toward Lily. Mike also had a previous girlfriend (Maggie, who leans monogamous herself). From a text Jen accidentally sent me the day after our ending, intended for Mike, it became clear that Mike had ended his relationship with Maggie as the affair with Jen intensified. Mike kept his marriage. He just swapped which woman occupied his secondary girlfriend slot.

A man I'll call Pete entered the configuration alongside. Others.

March 2026. I wrote a relational guardrails document to protect the primacy of our relationship, knowing the additional pressures her local sex and dating would do to our LDR, not knowing she had already been cheating for months. The document was too late.

The pattern through the discovery phase: trickle truth, names withheld until I pressed, retroactive philosophy as the warrant. The poly identity she had not invoked for two years suddenly returned as the cover story.

In April I made a structured ask. Stop seeing Mike for 90 days. Repair our relationship. Both of us in individual therapy. Negotiate written guardrails before any resumption of nonmonogamy. I was not requiring permanent monogamy. I was requiring repair and rebuild before resumption.

She declined the entire ask. She preserved her new relationship with Mike, and what she wanted with me instead of either repair or a clean ending was to demote me into a lower-intensity ongoing role — keep me available at lesser intensity while she pursued Mike and the others. I declined to be demoted into a safety net. That declining is what forced the actual ending. The actual ending was a May 7 video call where I asked her directly when she next planned to see Pete. She gave me two specific date windows in May and June, on her calendar. She had been rotating for months and entertaining new connections while telling me she loved me and concealing her infidelity.

My read now is that the affair was not NRE-driven. NRE responds to pause-and-repair. She declined because the affair was functioning as an exit. The asymmetry is the part I am still sitting with. She gave up our three year primary partnership under a monogamy agreement, to enter Mike's existing polycule as the new secondary, with Mike keeping his marriage intact. Maggie, the woman she displaced from Mike's life, leans monogamous herself.

Full no contact since May 10.

What I am asking this sub specifically:

1. For mono partners who dated a poly-identified person who had agreed to monogamy, what should I have been watching for? Is the resurfacing of a previously-set-aside poly identity a known failure mode of these arrangements?

2. For mono partners who exited this exact configuration — where your partner gave up the primary partnership with you to become a secondary in someone else's existing polycule, while your structured repair offer was declined and the alternative offered was to be demoted into a downgraded ongoing role — what did the first six months of grief and reconstruction look like? Does this asymmetry change the integration timeline?

3. Anything you would tell me at Day 10 that I am unlikely to hear from people outside this experience.

Thank you.

Does your poly dangle monogamy as a possibility to you? If so, what are respectful ways to question it as real or a form of breadcrumbing?

Me (41M) & Husband (47M) | 5 years together, open for most of it
My husband identified as poly when we met — I understood it conceptually but not emotionally. A couple years ago, distance kept us apart for 1.5 years and he developed a boyfriend during that time. It was a rough adjustment, but I threw myself into resources (therapy, Polysecure, podcasts, this community) and got to a better place. That relationship eventually ended due to communication issues and possessiveness on his boyfriend’s part.

About 8 months ago we met a guy on vacation. My husband stayed in that city for 2 months afterward and they developed a daily hangout routine and a romance. Now we’ve moved back to that city, and since I’m out of the house 11–12 hours a day for work (he works remotely), they spend significant time together — sexual and non-sexual. Husband describes it as a deep friendship, not a relationship, and consistently reassures me I’m his priority. But I can see the writing on the wall that this has a strong chance of turning into a relationship. He has said that the other guy brings me up often and wants to hang out and include me in activities and so does my husband. His ideal situation is a triad/throuple to have me included.

Here’s where I’ve landed: I’ve realized I’m wired mono. I enjoy FWB situations but don’t want or feel romantic love outside my marriage. I’m on a therapy waitlist for someone who specializes in ENM.

My question: How do people navigate a mono/poly dynamic? Specifically, I’m considering asking for a DADT (don’t ask, don’t tell) arrangement — not just about sex but about their time together generally. Is that a reasonable thing to ask for? Has it worked for others?

Also thank you to everyone in this group. I was in another poly advice group and found to be the solo mono/poly person there. I appreciate everyone’s vulnerability and willingness to share in this space. It’s so great to know I’m not alone.

Throwaway account as my poly friends may be lurking here.

I'm (monogamous, F27) currently in a fwb situation with Elaine (poly, F30) who remained in-love and intimate with her ex-partner Scarlett even after their breakup. Elaine and Scarlett would continue to hang out, text regularly, and hookup. However, Scarlett constantly suffered from terrible depression which led to her taking her own life a few days ago.

I feel sad about the whole situation. I don't know what to do. I don't know if my situationship with Elaine contributed to Scarlett's death because Elaine would tell me that Scarlett had a problem with Elaine developing emotional connections with other people (I think that includes me, but I'm just assuming).

I feel sad about Scarlett. This was a person that I felt some tiny bit of jealousy towards because she was so beautiful, smart, funny and most importantly, Elaine loved her. It's so painfully obvious to me that they had something that I can't match. Elaine has never articulated that she loved me. I'm fine with that, but I'm not gonna lie, that part stings a bit. But I also recognize that the situation is heavier for Elaine who just lost a soulmate.

I'm really lost. I wanna be supportive towards Elaine but the messy part of me wants to end the "relationship" or at least intimate aspect of our "relationship" (air quotes because there really is no relationship to speak of). I can't keep being physically intimate with her after this. Maybe because I feel like I will always be living in Scarlett's shadow?

Sorry, it looks like I'm selfish for even thinking this way about a sad situation. I know the bigger problem is that Scarlett is dead. But these are my thoughts and I need help processing. Right now, I'm just being a good friend and a listening ear to Elaine who is still in shock about the situation. Also I am unable to talk to anyone about this because my FWBship with Elaine is a secret to my friends. Maybe because I feel a deep shame that Elaine never chose me.

Ok so my question is: how can I be a better friend to Elaine while fighting my urge to cut her off because of the uncomfortable feelings that I have about the situation.

I, mono, had an unexpected medical emergency last week, and my partner, who is poly, has been so amazing. Got to me in the hospital as soon as they could, and have been so supportive and helpful in my recovery. I ended up spending 3 nights in the hospital and they checked on me every day sat with me when they had the time. I told them that my emergency wasn’t a reason to cancel their plans with another partner and while I think they were somewhat hesitant, they kept their plans and came to see me after I got out of hospital. I love my partner and if I ever doubted that they loved me, those doubts are long gone. Sometimes it takes the lowest of moments to show you how much you’re really loved. Thank you my love.

​

Hi I (m18) have been dating my boyfriend (tm18) for about a year now and I have known he's poly the whole time but we agreed to not talk about it very much as I didn't quite get it at the time but now I've accepted and am comfortable with him dating another man(tm) but recently he's been asking me to get to know the other boyfriend and I don't know how to go about it and any advice on what to do would be greatly appreciated

How much should I tell my poly partner.

I'm insecure in relationships regardless of mono or poly.

I'm jealous of anybody who had a great exploratory sex life, even more now with ED issues.

I'd be ENM/CNM if I wasn't so insecure.

I'm jealous of her ability to be a slut when I was fighting Asperger's and couldn't understand how to be one.

How honest are you all with your poly partner or are there things you will never discuss?

I am in a relationship with my partner from past 5 years. They are poly but I have always been a monogamous person. I tried this poly lifestyle just to be able to understand them better, but the kind of people I am meeting are not good enough (prolly cause I already met the loml, and nothing else seems to match that level). My partner has found someone who is a nice person, I am happy for them but also extremely jealous. To overcome this jealousy, I make sure I also go out on dates, and trying to seek the same what she has found.
I know there are other ways of keeping myself distracted, I have tried all of that but the only thing that has helped me is going on dates myself.
It is not healthy because I get frustrated when I meet wrong people, and I don’t want to be in the same loop of finding, talking and meeting new people, its exhausting but I also don’t know how to overcome this jealousy. Why do I feel that it’s a competition?

Hello, I am constantly seeing people talk about how this dynamic doesn’t work but I have seen a view people share how it’s been successful for them. Can you share how you and your partner have been successful and for how long?

Hi all

I (28F) am the monogamous half of a mono-poly relationship with my partner (24F) for around 9 months, where we were monogamous for two and a half years before that.

We originally opened her side of the relationship as Im not able to provide certain things for her from an intimacy and kink side of things, which then led to her establishing kink relationships and now romantic partners

The only rule I had relationship was that I don't want to meet/know/interact etc with any of my partner's otjee partners outside of emergency contact reasons, mainly because I couldn't handle seeing anyone show my partner affection, along with a lot of smaller reasons

Recently we were talking and my partner said that 'I wasnt quite there yet' when talking to her partner about the possibility of meeting each other and that she would quite like everyone to briefly meet at some point

My partner has also recently floated the idea of her other partners meeting her family and I had a really strong feeling of resistance to the idea (reallly the first time I've had that feeling with the new dynamic), and that I would feel really uncomfortable with that happening

What im really worried about is that I in reality haven't been okay with my partner being poly and I kept it very much separate and outside of my personal bubble in a 'out of sight out of mind' kind of way. Now that my partner's polyamory is starting to crossover into that personal bubble, its revealing a lot of underlying reasons of me potentially not being okay with it

Im feeling frustrated as it feels like my partner is unconsciously trying to pull me into her poly world when that's the last thing I would want, and i feel like i have done it already with educating myself on polyamory, learning how to navigate feelings that may arise etc

Would love some guidance/advice on how to navigate this, I am feeling very confused about how this is all going to work out in the long run

Thanks! And I apologise if this word vomit is really confusing 😅

She was like a comet flashing past me. Brilliant, amazing, caring, affectionate, understanding. I never thought I would meet a woman like her until she landed into my life. We shared everything together. She had more in common with me than anyone I'd ever met. We shared terrible secrets with one another. We told each other things we rarely tell anyone else. "I never thought I'd meet a person who thought the same thing," was a phrase constantly uttered by us everyday.

She was my dream come true. But the universe is cruel, sometimes. She was a brilliant comet, but she was orbited by many others. Some of her partners were mutual friends of mine. I thought I could make it work. I tried to make it work. I really, really did. I read books. I watched videos. I communicated with her, we talked until long into the night. She was amazing about it. She treated me with respect, she listened to my concerns, she made compromises where she could. She was the IDEAL person to have in this scenario.

But I still couldn't make it work. It still ate me up instead. I still suffered constantly from my own anxieties, my insecurities. Imagining her having a good time with others. Constantly seeing her other partners as opponents. Belittling myself into thinking I was lesser. I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell her that I didn't think the poly lifestyle was for me.

Maybe one day, I'll have it all figured out. She tells me that she'll always be here for me, as a friend, or maybe something more, sometime later. She'll be in my life, and I'm so happy about that. But this comet has visited my night sky and left. I don't think I'll ever see another comet like it. And the universe is cruel.

This might be a bit of a long post, so thank you to all who take the time to read it and give some advice. I (29M - Mono) met my partner (23F - Poly) about a year and a half ago. We’re also long distance. She already had a partner, and while they’re both poly they’d neither of them had ever actually had another partner during their relationship. We chatted and FaceTime a lot, and started to get feelings pretty quick, so about 6 months after we met we decided to give this a try. I’ve flown out to visit her a few times, and always book a hotel room that we both stay in while I’m there. She hasn’t come to visit me yet due to her other partner having a boundary against it due to some of their own personal issues(separation anxiety/anxiety in general). That has been a point of contention in our relationship a bit, mostly due to the limited times I can go there and the fact that there are several things in our relationship that we can’t do with me coming to visit her and staying in a hotel. Just to give an example, she’s bragged on more than one occasion about how right after her and her partner started dating he immediately took her to meet his family, and obviously that’s not possible with me only going to her. There’s several other things on the list as well, and that may not be the best example, but I understand what having anxiety is like, and we have talked about it and it’s something they’re suppose to be working on. This is not the primary point of this post, however, just setting up the background.

I have a special interest/hobby that is very dear to me. It’s something I’ve enjoyed since I was a kid, and it’s stuck with me and has a lot of nostalgia. I’ve talked about this hobby with her multiple times, showed off collections, talked about things I want to get for it etc. She’s never had any issue with it, but she’s also never expressed any direct interest in it either. Earlier this week she mentioned she’d made plans this weekend to go to the park and a tattoo shop, but that was all the context that was given at the time. Well last night we were on a FaceTime call pretty late into the morning(4:30am) and she mentioned that she had actually made all of the plans for the weekend herself, which is something she almost never does. She then mentioned that the park was having a special event for my hobby and that’s what she was actually going to with someone else and she was really excited about the event. This has me pretty upset, as the entire time we’ve been together she’s never shown any interest in this, and now on top of all of the other things we want to do in our relationship that she can and does do with anyone closer to her, now she’s decided to get introduced to it with someone else. And while we definitely could’ve gone to events while I was visiting her(I would have loved that) this isn’t even something that would require us to be together and is a hobby we could share long distance. It just feels really inconsiderate and I’m upset, but I don’t know if it’s actually something I should be upset over, or if I’m just overreacting with everything else that we have. Any input or advice is appreciated, especially if I’m in the wrong here.

i haven’t been in a monogamous relationship for like 7 years. and the crazy part is it doesn’t feel like my choice? everybody i meet has one foot out the door and i just deal with it.

my last monogamous ex 7 years ago wanted to open up our relationship which quickly obliterated it because neither of us could handle our feelings.

3 years later i date another girl who had already declared herself ENM. I was so enamored with her I said ok when she asked if I would be her partner. I tried and tried to convert jealous depression somehow into joyous compersion but it just was not going to happen. Plus, she ultimately had no intention of staying with me in any kind of long term scenario, so all of my fear of abandonment came true anyways.

3 years after that i meet another ENM person who has a long term nesting boyfriend at home. This person has probably treated me with more care and respect than anybody ever has before, they’re very funny and sweet to me. But my attraction is held at bay by the inevitability that I think this has to end. I’ve even hung out with them as a couple before and enjoyed it, they are cool people. but i wish i was the one with a nesting partner, sharing pets and having someone to come home to. At first my competitive mindset had me feeling like ohh ok so im the interesting exciting one to go out with next to the boring one at home, but as i got to know him i felt awful feeling that way. all i want is to be the interesting exciting one to come home to, not to stray away from. to be dedicated and reserved for.

but now i’ve gotten so used to these non monogamous dynamics. i barely act on it cuz i have a good enough time with one person, but i KNOW this is not the dynamic i want long term. i don’t wanna feel like the third wheel. we’re kind of just good fwb until i meet somebody to get more involved with? but i would be sad to deescalate what i have with this person, and honestly some of the freedom. i just miss being mutually obsessed and dedicated w a lover :(

I need someone to talk to. I 48m have been married to my 45f wife for over 20 years. She has always had self image issues and had a need to chat and flirt with other men. This drove me crazy early in our marriage but I finally found ways to be at ease with it primarily through most of these connections being a long way away, never being overly significant, and also through an eventual fantasy of watching her with someone else.

We eventuated playing with this fantasy some and had fun. In many ways it actually strengthened our relationship. We had some rules around safety and casual nature that we stuck to for a bit. After a move where she lost contact with many of her connections she broke this rule with one of the men she met. They started chatting a lot, seeing each other, and now she says she loves him.

She claims it’s nothing like what she has with me but she can’t help being in love and she wants to be Polly.

I’ve retried but this is hitting all of my insecurities, it’s making me depressed, effecting my work performance, and im just generally sad a lot. I don’t know if I can do this but I also don’t want to walk away from our 20 plus years.

How do you handle anxiety when your partner is in the other room with their boyfriend?

[sorry for not giving context, not in the space to write the details]