r/monodatingpoly • u/dick_dalek • 18d ago

Dangling Monogamy

Does your poly dangle monogamy as a possibility to you? If so, what are respectful ways to question it as real or a form of breadcrumbing?

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9

u/blvckbeautiful 18d ago

It’s breadcrumbing my dear. If you will remain in that situation, just assume a position of radical acceptance. If they do change it will actually come as a surprise. But if you keep feeding the idea of their becoming monogamous someday, then you will be greatly disappointed. These are people who have shown you that they have issues around sexual and emotional discipline as well as intimate partner sacredness. Why still bother with hope?

4

u/Izzygetsfit 17d ago

Do you mean they're dangling the possibility of monogamy one day, but not right now?

This reminds me of people I've dated in the past dangling various forms of commitment (moving in together, labels, whatever) as a future possibility. Unless someone's making plans, you can assume it's just talk to kick the can down the road.

But if you think it might be genuine, you could ask them why they think they might want monogamy in the future but not now, and you could ask for a timeline.

My ENM partner and I have discussed that it might not be something they want to do forever. Their reasoning is that they seem to be less romantically inclined to other people than they thought they'd be, and the sexual exploration aspect might become less important over time. Them saying that did help to put me at ease, not because I'm holding out hope for it but because I was feeling a lot of pressure to decide right now if I was okay with ENM forever. Knowing we both see it as dynamic and subject to change makes me feel a lot better about taking things as they come.

I think there's a good chance my partner will always want ENM at least as a theoretical framework since it's hard to put that genie back in the bottle.

I would ask yourself, would you be okay if the time comes and they're still not ready for monogamy? If not, don't hang on hoping for a future where you're actually happy.

2

u/Organic-Depth1250 8d ago

It is not only a breadcrumb, but the whole loaf. Do not fall for this because they essentially want to have their cake and eat it too. People like this love all the benefits of a committed monogamous relationship, but also want to pursue other people. And I’ll say this if they wanted to. They would’ve already made you there, monogamous partner if they haven’t done it yet. It means that they’re just stringing you along.