r/monodatingpoly • u/SnowDance2309 • 28d ago
Am I a bad person?
I am in a relationship with my partner from past 5 years. They are poly but I have always been a monogamous person. I tried this poly lifestyle just to be able to understand them better, but the kind of people I am meeting are not good enough (prolly cause I already met the loml, and nothing else seems to match that level). My partner has found someone who is a nice person, I am happy for them but also extremely jealous. To overcome this jealousy, I make sure I also go out on dates, and trying to seek the same what she has found.
I know there are other ways of keeping myself distracted, I have tried all of that but the only thing that has helped me is going on dates myself.
It is not healthy because I get frustrated when I meet wrong people, and I don’t want to be in the same loop of finding, talking and meeting new people, its exhausting but I also don’t know how to overcome this jealousy. Why do I feel that it’s a competition?
5
u/SwingLightStyle 28d ago
You’re not a bad person, but monogamous people define themselves that way because of things like jealousy and non-desired with being with others. For you, it’s slightly different because it seems you’re jealous of the New Relationship Energy she’s feeling and trying to find your own. And that’s a totally normal feeling.
For you it’s less that you’re monogamous and more that your standards are so high (as they should be) that you’re essentially seeking a long term partner to match the relationship you currently have. It takes a long, long time to find that really cool other person. You’re doing the steps needed to try to find that person, which is good, but it is exhausting for sure.
4
u/SnowDance2309 28d ago
Thank you for your kind words, just afraid that in this process I will either lose myself or my partner.
2
u/SwingLightStyle 28d ago
Is it more like… you know that experience defines who we are, and the new experience adds an unknown variable that will change the outcome of how you both see the longevity of the relationship? Because that’s an extremely reasonable and wise concern. But if this is it, you know how solid you and your partner are. If you have reasons to doubt that they love you, respect you, or that you can trust them, then this is a separate conversation and concern.
3
u/Agreeable-Pop7438 28d ago
I am worried about this happening to me when we decide to open. My bf is poly. I want to support him and I also would like to open. I am not nearly as outward as he is though. And unfortunately I am worried I may be too jealous and probably for the wrong reasons.
1
u/SnowDance2309 28d ago
This jealousy, I tell you…it sucks! I wish there was a way to undo this conditioning.
3
u/Agreeable-Pop7438 28d ago
I definitely can't say I have the answer especially seeing I am extremely new to this. So much so that I am not even ready to open our relationship but I can say that some of it probably does come from the fact that we have placed such an importance or value in mono relationships and yes we have been conditioned. We probably should be looking at it through a lense of happiness for our partner. Look at it as wanting them to ha e a full and experienced life. It isnt bad to ask for reassurance but they should also have a right to their privacy. Remember privacy is good. Secrecy is not. Keep open communicate and alway them to grow in their connections.
6
u/Akatsuki2001 28d ago
Not a bad person at all, while it’s not a competition per se it can easily feel like one when dealing with this sort of situation.
I think the issue here is more that you have such a negative reaction to your partner being poly that you need to do things to distract yourself constantly. Especially if you don’t really want to do these things.
To be clear. This is not something wrong with you. It’s kinda natural for many people to react this way. But if this is going to be an ongoing thing, there’s nothing wrong with just saying this dynamic isn’t for you, and trying to work with that information either by getting with your partner and rearranging the dynamic, or leaving this relationship and starting a new one that best fits you.