r/monodatingpoly • u/Spirited_Rutabaga766 • 12d ago

Just sad it's difficult

it hurts :(

EDIT: it feels like I'm doing something wrong and I shouldn't love a poly person as much as I do but I love them so much and them being poly is so really hard for me. am i not good enough? do they love me as much as i love them? they say they do but wouldn't i be your only one if you did?

EDIT 2: I typed this while I was spiraling, not just about the relationship stuff but overall mental health stuff. And I kinda needed to shout into a void. My mental goes kinda back and forth a lot so during those times a lot of insecurities show themselves even if I'm not thinking about it/are big deals otherwise. Thanks for everyone that read this and especially those who commented, even though I typed this as a "void shout" and I didn't really expect and responses it was nice to see people reading it and commenting on. I'll keep those things in mind in the future too. Thanks everyone

8 Upvotes

85% Upvoted

4 comments sorted by

7

u/hunny_bee_23 11d ago

There's no virtue in suffering baby.

It's time to examine why you're okay with putting up with this.

2

u/Izzygetsfit 11d ago

Love isn't enough. You have a fundamental difference in values. You value exclusivity as a show of love, and they don't see it that way, and they are unwilling to show love to you that way.

This type of relationship can only work if you don't view it as a demotion, but it seems like you do. You can't be happy dating a popyamorous person with that mindset.

2

u/keetsrevenge99 9d ago

It will always be difficult. You can read all the books , listen to all the podcasts and pay all the therapists but it will not only prolong the inevitable. All that knowledge won't change the main thing which as @izzygetsfit says, is that you are fundamentally different.

You don't see love the same way or the world the same way. I walked away from who I still consider the absolute love of my life because we finally arrived at this understanding together. That we love each other but we love differently and it's not a crime or human failing. It's just means romantically we don't fit. It took us over a year of therapy and knowledge seeking because we desperately wanted to be together but I kept getting hurt and they kept feeling so much guilt. We are both still healing but we're doing it without animosity towards each other.

Respect each other enough to call it. Don't lose yourself.