Mono/poly struggle

[u/sjw29]

Me (41M) & Husband (47M) | 5 years together, open for most of it
My husband identified as poly when we met — I understood it conceptually but not emotionally. A couple years ago, distance kept us apart for 1.5 years and he developed a boyfriend during that time. It was a rough adjustment, but I threw myself into resources (therapy, Polysecure, podcasts, this community) and got to a better place. That relationship eventually ended due to communication issues and possessiveness on his boyfriend’s part.

About 8 months ago we met a guy on vacation. My husband stayed in that city for 2 months afterward and they developed a daily hangout routine and a romance. Now we’ve moved back to that city, and since I’m out of the house 11–12 hours a day for work (he works remotely), they spend significant time together — sexual and non-sexual. Husband describes it as a deep friendship, not a relationship, and consistently reassures me I’m his priority. But I can see the writing on the wall that this has a strong chance of turning into a relationship. He has said that the other guy brings me up often and wants to hang out and include me in activities and so does my husband. His ideal situation is a triad/throuple to have me included.

Here’s where I’ve landed: I’ve realized I’m wired mono. I enjoy FWB situations but don’t want or feel romantic love outside my marriage. I’m on a therapy waitlist for someone who specializes in ENM.

My question: How do people navigate a mono/poly dynamic? Specifically, I’m considering asking for a DADT (don’t ask, don’t tell) arrangement — not just about sex but about their time together generally. Is that a reasonable thing to ask for? Has it worked for others?

Also thank you to everyone in this group. I was in another poly advice group and found to be the solo mono/poly person there. I appreciate everyone’s vulnerability and willingness to share in this space. It’s so great to know I’m not alone.

[u/PantaRheia]

It is my true conviction that mono people and poly people have zero business being in a relationship with each other. And this is how to navigate this.

(Source: personal experience. There was a lot of deep love between us, but when it comes down to it, this is an incompatibility on such a basic level that it'll never work out with BOTH parties being happy. It's usually the mono "arranging themselves" or "coming to terms" or "dealing with the situation", but a truly mono person will never be TRULY happy about their partner dating others.)

[u/harmalade]

I don’t know whether it will work to make you feel better, but it’s reasonable to ask for. A lot of polyamorous people don’t like hearing about other partners during their quality time. It just depends on your underlying reasons. 

The problem with DADT is if you use it to pretend that you’re in a fully monogamous relationship—that is unsustainable and it probably means the relationship is incompatible. If you can be comfortable with polyamory as long as you feel like your husband is 100% focused on you during your quality time together and this other partner isn’t taking away his attention, that is a normal request and you can make it work. 

[u/Organic-Depth1250]

Whether poly people like to admitted or not, this is a relationship. You need to be honest with yourself about what YOU actually are okay with, and what you’re actually not. There is no shame in wanting to be monogamous and not share your partner with others.