r/monodatingpoly • u/Icy-Magazine5881 • 25d ago
Seeking Advice Boyfriend wants me to meet other boyfriend
Hi I (m18) have been dating my boyfriend (tm18) for about a year now and I have known he's poly the whole time but we agreed to not talk about it very much as I didn't quite get it at the time but now I've accepted and am comfortable with him dating another man(tm) but recently he's been asking me to get to know the other boyfriend and I don't know how to go about it and any advice on what to do would be greatly appreciated
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u/Poly_and_RA 25d ago
It depends on your preferences.
Polyamory as in relationships that permit 2+ full-blown romantic and sexual relationships, is a fairly large spectrum. Some call it poly but in reality focus more or less their entire life on one partner while having a much "smaller" relationship with someone else. Others share their life fully with 2+ partners.
Especially in the latter case, being comfortable enough to be happy to meet your metamours is an advantage. It's pretty hard to have 2+ people fully integrated in your life, without those two ever meeting each other. Think of it a bit as if you had one partner and one best friend -- and it's crucial to one of them to NEVER meet the other, not even in passing. Can you see how that'd cause some potential practical problems? (like how does that person celebrate their birthday?)
People often call it kitchen-table-polyamory when two metamours are sufficiently comfortable to be happy to for example have breakfast at the same kitchen-table, i.e. to meet now and then.
But this doesn't impose any obligation on you. You're not a bad person if you prefer not to meet your metamour(s).
I'll add that for people who are genuinely into polyamory, metamours can often be an awesome thing. I have 3 of those myself (spread out between my two girlfriends) -- and I'm good friends with two of them. The third prefers NOT to meet metas so I've only met him once, and that was before I started dating his wife.
My advice is to take your own feelings seriously. If you'd really rather NOT meet, then don't. If meeting sounds intriguing or even fun, then say yes.
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u/nubpokerkid 25d ago
The third prefers NOT to meet metas so I've only met him once, and that was before I started dating his wife.
Probably not comfortable with you dating his wife
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u/Poly_and_RA 24d ago
People have a wide range of preferences when it comes to interactions with metamours. Some folks are all the way over in DADT and don't want to even know. Other people are at the other extreme and are perfectly fine with having a threesome with one off their partners and one of their metas.
Most people are somewhere in between.
Personally I think it's unethical to insist that metamours MUST be kitchen-table comfortable. It's nice when it happens, and for me it's true for most of my metamours, but I think people deserve to get to choose for themselves how integrated they want to be.
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u/nubpokerkid 25d ago
If you don't want to, you don't have to. It's not wrong, it's your preference. You could meet and decide not to continue meeting.
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u/SenatorBeers 24d ago
As others have said. It is ultimately your choice and what you’re comfortable with.
If your partner is asking, I’d consider it because it might be important to them that you meet.
I’ve always been glad I met my wife’s partner. They’ve become a dear friend and part of our family. Could be worth the chance.
Best of luck.
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u/Platterpussy Polyamorous 25d ago
Do you want to meet the other bf?