r/monodatingpoly • u/kcnole78 • Apr 19 '26
Seeking Advice Need someone to talk to
I need someone to talk to. I 48m have been married to my 45f wife for over 20 years. She has always had self image issues and had a need to chat and flirt with other men. This drove me crazy early in our marriage but I finally found ways to be at ease with it primarily through most of these connections being a long way away, never being overly significant, and also through an eventual fantasy of watching her with someone else.
We eventuated playing with this fantasy some and had fun. In many ways it actually strengthened our relationship. We had some rules around safety and casual nature that we stuck to for a bit. After a move where she lost contact with many of her connections she broke this rule with one of the men she met. They started chatting a lot, seeing each other, and now she says she loves him.
She claims it’s nothing like what she has with me but she can’t help being in love and she wants to be Polly.
I’ve retried but this is hitting all of my insecurities, it’s making me depressed, effecting my work performance, and im just generally sad a lot. I don’t know if I can do this but I also don’t want to walk away from our 20 plus years.
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u/fool3d Apr 19 '26
I’m assuming she didn’t communicate with you about chatting and seeing him? It sounds like she broke those boundaries and cheating… if you are trying to continue with your relationship, there has to be work done. You say you’re experiencing insecurities, do you think those are things you can work on together and individually? Do you feel you can surpass the fact that she did break boundaries and cheated? Can you see yourself exploring polyamory in a healthy way? If not, then I think that’s your answer.
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u/on-a-pedestal Apr 19 '26
You can't even explore Poly with her unless that guy is gone and on the black list.
And since that's who she thinks she loves (read up about the Disneyland Effect), she probably won't agree to doing Poly Therapy, Reading real Books about Opening, and then Opening in about a year (anything less would be Insane and kiss marriage goodbye). And she can Never talk to that guy again.
My guess is she would say No to that Healthy Fair Request, and she is probably just going to Monkey Branch to that guy if he stays in the picture.
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u/HelloSenpaiFeed Apr 20 '26
From what you have described it's best to just walk, the longer you leave it the more it will fester and you will slowly lose yourself. It took me years to finally leave and am still working through so much shame and regret.
In the end, i found it's okay to be alone instead of carrying a heavy heart.
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u/Platterpussy Polyamorous Apr 19 '26
It does sound like you are incompatible. She cheated on you and you are ok with it? That's not ethical non-monogamy. What do you need in a relationship? Can she give it to you and not cheat?