Can anyone relate to this and was able to get over it? Need the encouragement 🥺

[u/Resident_Plastic6287]

I’m in a queer poly relationship (30F & 31F, been together 6 months) and I want it to work so much. I love her so much. When we met i didn’t wana be poly (at least not from the get go) but she was very clear that she is poly in her nature (not being poly would be like taking away a part of her) and was already in a relationship with someone who lives in a different city and has a serious relationship there, so they only see eachother every few weeks. It’s basically what I think is the ideal launching pad for polyamory bc I’m not constantly having to face it. But still, I struggle so much right before, while and after they see eachother. The hardest part for me by far is the idea of them having sex. It’s so fucking painful and makes me resentful. And while in the beginning we would talk about it a lot, now I feel like I know that if I bring her other partner up I will end up feeling like shit and distance myself from her, so I avoid it. This doesn’t mean I don’t think about it all the time, but it’s different actually saying the words, and her partner’s name… I also realise I keep hoping they end things 😖 I just hate having to feel all this discomfort and pain over it and really could do with encouragement or words of wisdom of how to deal with the difficult feelings of resentment and distancing myself.

[u/Internal_Money_8112]

Hi there OP, I'm so sorry that you're struggling in pain. Your feelings are normal understandable and valid. Never doubt that.

The one major reddish flag here, maybe it's not the right word but what I mean is that you went into this relationship knowing she was poly but hoping you would be able to manage it and that the pain would subside eventually. On her part it's consciously dating a monogamous person knowing that they will hurt tremendously every time you will go out seeing others.

You have set yourself up to do the hard mental labor carrying the weight of the feelings of not being enough and always have to live with intrusive mind movies and mental images. Meanwhile she is out having fun thinking you knew what you signed up for when getting with her.

I this situation there's no winners nor any compromises that would make you both happy in this relationship or with each other as the perfect partner for one another. I this situation love is not enough or that everything else is good and great as long as she doesn't goes out to see her other lover.

You think you will need to find ways to be okay and live without getting anxious or spiral in the hell of pain. You think if you just work harder you'll find the missing key that will set you free and takes away all jealousy and anxiety.

But I'm sorry to have to say that that won't most likely not happen. The most likely outcome is now that you've set yourself on fire to keep her warm. Is that you will burn alive until nothing more than a shelf of the former you is left.

And then you'll have the what if. What if she meets someone new. Another lover that lives closer and the dates with them will be more often and maybe you'll even know them personally. What then?

You can not ask her to not meet others and she can't promise you she won't ever fall in love with someone else beside the ones she already loves.

I'm just a reddit stranger and I know my advice doesn't matter but I can't see this relationship grow or get stronger. Neither can I see that you miraculously would feel safe and secure even if you did the self work and counseling needed. The hard truth is that you and your loved one is not compatible for a relationship. You want and need different things even though you love each other.

The longer you wait to break up (I'm sorry that I have to say it) the harder and more painful it will get for you. And it will take sos long time to heal if your relationship goes on for years and you end up as that empty hollow shell.

I can only wish that you gather some strength and starts to listen to both your heart but most your mind if this relationship is fulfilling and meets all your needs and wants. Don't sell yourself short or compromise with your core beliefs.

[u/fullmetalc-nt]

I feel you. I'm mono by nature, and I even tried dating other people in the hopes that it would ease my pain, but it really hasn't. Honestly, the only thing that has helped is going through it, and seeing that, at the end of the day, my partner is still there and loves me. At some point, we just have to accept that our hearts work differently from our partners, and trust that, even if we don't understand, we can still have a good relationship. It all comes down to this: would it be better for you to end this relationship and find someone else who's mono, or is your present partner worth some suffering for the pleasure of their company? No one likes to think of it in those terms, but that's the reality of the situation. Mono-poly dating just comes with some tribulations, and only you can decide whether to subject yourself to them. No one would fault you for walking away, but, by the same token, you would be just as valid for wanting to stick it out. If you do, however, then your partner has to know that you, being mono, will require reassurances and compromises that other partners might not. For instance, do you want someday to get married? To live together? These things that may be a part of your ideal romance will present complications, and they have to be realistic about what all they can provide. Do your best to treat each other with honesty and with kindness. When all's said and done, no one is the bad guy, and you two love each other.

[u/fullmetalc-nt → u/fullmetalc-nt]

Also, as a follow-up, try to keep yourself busy while your partner is away. Definitely don't sit there stewing on what they might be up to because it's bad for your mental well-being. Ideally, you want to reach a point where you can keep yourself preoccupied without totally deluding yourself about what your partner is up to. You've got to get right with their relationship-style: they're sleeping with other people, but you don't need to play the full porno in your head, either.