My partner (35M, hetero-poly) and I (35F, demi-mono) have been together for 5½ years and we were best friends for 5 years before that. My knowledge of his polyamory going into this relationship was that he had once remarked that he "wanted all of the p*ssy" after a rough breakup from a decade-long relationship, but I think I just took this a some typical guy remark or an indicationofhim wanting to rebound. Last year he floated the idea of becoming actively poly and I admittedly didn't handle it well at first because I felt a bit blindsided. I've been working on it and I've been getting more...accepting...but I'm never enthusiastic about it. I genuinely want him to be happy but I can't help but feel hurt at the same time. We've been working through workbooks and therapy trying to get to a relationship agreement that we can both be good with, but it's still new territory for me and I'm sorting through feelings that I've never really had to confront before.

I love this man, unfortunately, bordering on unconditionally. He's the only person I've ever felt safe to be myself around and we've built a life together. We've been central to each other's lives for over a decade, and I can't stand the thought of not being with him. I cannot stress enough that this is my Person.

He went on vacation this past week with friends (I was unable to go, although I had previously planned to) and when he came back, I had a metamour (20F). I had expected it from this person in particular for a while. She knows we're together but he and I don't know for sure that she knows he's poly, which honestly doesn't endear her very much with me. She seems to be acting like she's his mistress, wanting to keep it secret and doesn't want others to know, which kind of pisses me off to be honest. But when he was talking about her, he was so excited and I liked seeing him excited about it; he was also pretty bummed that she wanted to hide it and I felt sad for him because I don't like seeing him hurt. I still don't think I've reached genuine compersion, though, because so much fear welled up in me that he may come to love her more than me. I actually talked to him about that and he said that while it wasn't the case now, he couldn't rule it out. I, who did all of this work to try to work this out...it could still not be enough for him. If I were him, I'd love me more for all of the anguish I faced and worked through just to try to make it work. I'm genuinely hurt and I'm feeling, what I feel is REASONABLY insecure.

I don't feel like my monogamy is any more a choice than his polyamory. I don't choose to just love one person - I think I'm incapable of loving more than one. And while I'm not HAPPY about him dating multiple people, I WANT to be. I'm just...new to all of this and don't know how to make myself feel secure and loved without his help.