They want poly, I'm sad that I'm not enough.

[u/WannabeElantrian]

I am just plain sad. I am angry. I am heartbroken. I am all of these things wrapped up in one anxiety wrapped package. I could have gone the rest of my life single, I would have been just fine with that. Instead I met an amazing human, I love them very much, they are everything I could have ever wanted in a partner. Everything I didn't even know I was looking for. As I said, I was perfectly content being single. They wanted to explore poly, I was on the fence about poly because I felt it no longer suited my needs. A string of relationships gone bad, people not prioritizing me in ANY capacity, the cruelty, the mental gymnastics it takes to be ok with the person you love loving someone else/having sex with someone else, and me simply not wanting to deal with people and their bullshit any longer, I had decided to kind of step away for a bit. On this long break, I was getting my own head on straight, prioritizing *myself*, and learning to navigate my own life on easier mode. It was pretty nice. It was simple.

Then I met my partner. I knew they wanted to explore and I was truly ok with that at the beginning. However , I never thought I would be in so far over my head with someone that I couldn't accept them doing whatever they wanted to. I am suddenly anxious, I am suddenly possessive, I am suddenly not ok with the thought of ever sharing my partner. It is BREAKING me knowing that I am not enough for them. That I will never be enough.

How can someone claim they are blissfully happy and satisfied with me and yet still want to go out and bang other people? Love other people? Am I not do enough? Why am I not enough?

I want to break it off, I have asked to break it off, they are convincing me to stay, saying that I don't know what the future holds. Maybe they will hate it, they say. Yeah, well, maybe they won't. In fact, I'd bet on them loving it because it gives them new people to meet, new people to bang, people that are younger, less broken, and definitely nicer than me. How is that not appealing? So, all this is going to do is kick this shit filled can down the road even further . Entangling our lives even further, making it even more difficult to pull apart when the time comes where I won't be able to handle the anxiety, the depression, the self loathing, the resentment. I can't be excited about my person loving someone else, sharing intimacy with someone else, telling someone else they are amazing, going places and sharing experiences with someone else. I don't want to be excited about someone taking time away from me. I don't want to be excited about any of it.

For once in my life I seriously wish I was enough.

I know how this will end.

And I am the effing idiot in this whole rotten story because I'm not choosing myself. I'm choosing the happiness of someone else over my own better judgement yet again. A shitty pattern that I can't seem to escape no matter how much therapy I have.

I just wish I was enough for one damn person out there.

[u/Quick_Background_368]

Wow, sounds so familiar- I was in the boat for 10 years- I'll just tell you this, trust your heart, you'll know when it's time- is not easy, I had to move to another state to get away from this mess but my heart couldn't take the pain- I wish you all the happiness in the world- take care of yourself-

[u/WannabeElantrian → u/Quick_Background_368]

Thank you. Unfortunately, my heart is what keeps me here. The brain, however, is SCREAMING that this is an awful, no good, very, very bad idea. That, if this happens, it will ruin the relationship in spectacular fashion. I have dated a whole lot of people, I know what I have, and I know that adding more humans into the mix will absolutely ruin that. It will be like dropping a grenade in a calm sea.

But their desire for this is stronger than that. But I am not. I am not strong enough to handle it. I don't want to be strong enough to handle it. I don't want to gaslight myself into believing I am happy for their happiness when this will crack our foundation, which will never be able to be repaired. My brain is screaming at me to walk the eff away. That this upcoming chaos will sour everything good we have worked to build.

Realistically, I see it. When I was fully poly, I knew what this looked like for others. I knew how devastating it was for the couple when one wanted poly and the other didn't. It never, ever, ever ends well. But my heart is really stupid right now.

[u/Electrical_Guest8913]

You are, but not just this one. So you know what to do. Life is short enough without torturing yourself. And there is someone out there for you. So best of luck.

[u/kingoosha → u/Electrical_Guest8913]

I wholeheartedly agree with this comment. Be strong in your convictions, I’m still on a journey of self love, myself. I can’t tell you whether the proverbial juice will be worth the squeeze but what I can tell you is that not allowing intuition to be framed by someone else is powerful. Leadership of self is a journey, it’s a valiant cause, and I hope that you reach it and you decide what life you want and want you to want from a partner on equitable terms.

[u/VP_GloO]

I don't know your housing situation, whether you live together or not, if you're financially dependent on your partner, etc., but if you're financially stable and don't live together, end the relationship right now. Don't give any more explanations, just end it once and for all! If you do live together, work out your problems, and do the same with the financial aspect! You're not happy, and the situation is getting worse every day. Believe me, nobody deserves suffering, pain, anguish, etc. Not everyone has to accept open relationships or be happy in them just to please others.

[u/StankoMicin]

Sorry. You are enough. Your partner just has different needs and that is okay.

Best choose yourself and allow you both to be happy by pursuing the relationship you want

[u/xxajgxx → u/StankoMicin]

Yeah having different needs is different to “not being enough”. Automatically framing the situation in this negative way is never going to go well. If they don’t feel that their partner can give them enough attention h while pursuing a second relationship then OP needs to say this and discuss with their partner what is lacking/what could be done, rather than just saying they’re not enough

[u/spoopycheeseburger → u/xxajgxx]

Right, there are a lot of assumptions and insecurities in OP's post and I wonder how much of this their partner knows. Also saying you refuse to work on it while actively choosing to stay makes zero sense...

[u/WannabeElantrian → u/spoopycheeseburger]

Perhaps I am insecure. It's difficult not to be when you are being told that you meet ALL of the other person's needs, you make them extremely happy, they have a very fulfilling relationship with you, then they still want other people. Hard to not take that very personally. Sorry I'm just not enough being all of those amazing things that you still need to go find MORE outside of your what we already have. I'm just not enough. That is a hard, very bitter pill to swallow.

While it t was implied, I have been in the community for a very long time. This person, however, is brand new. We have been existing as a monogamous couple for a few years, they have never been in a poly relationship. It is all a concept to them, something they have read extensively about, but never in implementation. What this means is a baby poly will be out on the loose. Every single MAJOR burn I have encountered in this community has been by a baby poly. Like a wrecking ball coming in with kid in a candy store syndrome, forgetting they have people that fully love them and are attached. It is hard to watch NRE in seasoned poly relationships, but agonizing in a relationship where the other ther person has little to no concept of the time required, the effort required to maintain EVERYONE'S needs, and are drowning in their own physical needs/desires for the new, shiny toy.

So, maybe I am insanely jealous. Maybe I am insanely insecure. I am all of those things. I am also tired of dealing with the drama of metas, the heartbreak of not being chosen, the chaos this lifestyle (unnecessarily) often brings, and the self gaslighting of being thrilled that the person I love with my whole heart is also loving other people.

I'm in a very, very vulnerable place, this is extremely difficult, and it is tossing the very last safe space I had for myself into chaos. When the world has beat me down, I could come home. This all just makes me tired and just makes me want to quit.

[u/xxajgxx → u/WannabeElantrian]

Hey OP, this post might help you with inderstanding the insecurities you’re facing, but at the end the day if you’re not fulfilled in the relationship, don’t stay in it.

[u/SnowDance2309]

I feel you man, I totally feel you!
You are enough for sure, and ofcourse leaving that person would be an easier choice but staying around for love is way more difficult

[u/xxajgxx]

It sounds like the way you’re framing this is negative in your head which is instantly projecting negatively into your relationship. Why do you feel “not enough” if they want to be poly? Has your partner said that you’re “not enough” or is this the way you’re taking this? Being blissfully happy in a relationship with you but also wanting to explore things with other people can exist at the same time. Just like how being friends with someone who loves going on weekly coffee catch ups and also being friends with someone who you catch up with for dinner once a month can exist at the same time. It’s not about one of these relationships being “not enough” it’s just that we have the space, time and energy to be able to have both relationships exist in our lives. If you don’t have the space for that, then that’s another conversation entirely.