r/monodatingpoly • u/SnowDance2309 • 8d ago
Spiraling
I am so emotionally and mentally exhausted.
Does it happen often that one moment y’all feel okay with the fact that your partner is poly and theres an instant switch where you arent able to handle it at all? Why cant the first feeling stay, so tired of not being understanding. It has started reflecting in my relationship with them, I have become so sad in life, that I keep upsetting them for no reason, I am always irritated, and I am not this person at all. The only time we get together, we spend that in crying.
I tell myself all the time to be happy with the fact that they love me so much, my focus should be on that but something or the other would trigger me and I fall back into a spiral.
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u/KOTCouine 7d ago
If you can’t take it I suggest you split. Obviously you probably won’t listen to me though but I mean if you do at least feel happy when you’re together I’d try to just focus on that like you’ll probably never be happy about them being with someone else honestly if you’re not poly that’s just not really how it works. But if you are getting what you need at least then focus on that. And if you aren’t or you feel you aren’t even if for instance they say they spend plenty of time with you but you don’t think so yourself you gotta just split because at the end of the day if neither of you are willing to budge on that it won’t work. If you guys can’t come to an agreement on how involved you are it’s just not gonna work no matter who’s “correct”. But I mean if you’re both trying and both actually want to be together it could get better with time
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u/KOTCouine 7d ago
If that makes any sense I guess. But realistically as the mono you’ll always likely want more and usually be the one hurting because well you want just them but they want other people it’s just a conflict of interest and that usually means you’d have to suck it up effectively when they’re gone also if you’re not the primary it’s probably not gonna work as a mono tbh or at least getting the same amount of time as their other partner. If that’s not something you can handle save yourself the trouble and time and leave but if you think that it’s maybe feasible stay if you both want each other man
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u/WannabeElantrian 7d ago
Sometimes you HAVE to choose yourself and your happiness over the desires of someone else. They deserve to be happy, but so do you. If being poly is what they want, if them being poly causes you distress, then you don't need to settle into their happiness when it is detrimental to your own.
I get how hard this is. Mine wants to explore and I just can't. It will eventually be our demise, I know this. But I won't sacrifice my own happiness just so they can be happy. This sounds like a miserable time.
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u/StankoMicin 6d ago
I am going to sound like s typical redditor here. But damn, if it is that hard on you, then I suggest you leave. Life is too short to torture yourself like this.
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u/Flashy-Telephone-623 7d ago
And yet they keep choosing their own desires even though they cause you pain. And if they won't chose differently, you have to accept that truth and then ask yourself if you're okay with a relationship where someone values their desires more than your emotional harm (which is what's happening because you're not poly).
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u/xxajgxx 7d ago
People should always choose their own desires and/or happiness first. This responsibility is on OP as well. OP should not be choosing a relationship that is causing them emotional harm. There’s nothing shameful or wrong with saying “this isn’t serving me positively anymore” and walking away. But don’t blame your partner for following their ‘desires’ of a poly life.
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u/Dry-Animator8414 3d ago
I too am in this exact situation. I mostly have good days and don’t let the negative thoughts control me. But the bad days where those thoughts take over are unbearable. I go back and forth constantly about breaking it off because I don’t know if I can handle it anymore. But I usually have more good days than bad days and that’s what’s keeping me around. I am more in love with this person than I have ever been with anyone else and I don’t think I’m ready to lose that, even if it means I have to endure some bad days. As of right now, the good days are outweighing the bad.
I always have to put on a brave face whenever we’re together because I don’t want to ruin the short amount of time we get together. Otherwise I would be crying as you are too.
In a perfect world I would be with this person forever. But I know that’s not the case. What I’ve had to come to terms with is that I’ll never be the first choice. I don’t like that but I’ve learned to accept it for what it is. Eventually, I’ll have to move on because I want to be chosen. Everyone deserves to be chosen.
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u/green_bandit135 7d ago
But then, is this relationship actually meeting your needs? In relationships with people, regardless of whether they are mono or poly, if it happens that your needs aren't met and you are frequently feeling the way you describe in the relationship. Then regardless of how lovely they are, it might just not be right for you. It's not right to feel this way frequently, it sounds like a lot of heartbreak
There doesn't have to be a bad guy for a relationship to not work for you. Sometimes you are just not able to meet each other where you need to be met. There no shame in having more needs than this person is able to meet. You shouldn't have to minimise those needs or shame yourself for them. The better approach is to accept them as a part of who you are and find a partner who is compatible with that.
Rather than trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, you may just need to reflect if this connection is actually giving you long term satisfaction and happiness. And as part of that reflection it would be wise to assume that things won't change. If everything remains the same as it is now, can I be happy and content long term? Considering you aren't now, is probably something worth sitting with.