Metamour offed herself

[u/IcyPrint5494]

Throwaway account as my poly friends may be lurking here.

I'm (monogamous, F27) currently in a fwb situation with Elaine (poly, F30) who remained in-love and intimate with her ex-partner Scarlett even after their breakup. Elaine and Scarlett would continue to hang out, text regularly, and hookup. However, Scarlett constantly suffered from terrible depression which led to her taking her own life a few days ago.

I feel sad about the whole situation. I don't know what to do. I don't know if my situationship with Elaine contributed to Scarlett's death because Elaine would tell me that Scarlett had a problem with Elaine developing emotional connections with other people (I think that includes me, but I'm just assuming).

I feel sad about Scarlett. This was a person that I felt some tiny bit of jealousy towards because she was so beautiful, smart, funny and most importantly, Elaine loved her. It's so painfully obvious to me that they had something that I can't match. Elaine has never articulated that she loved me. I'm fine with that, but I'm not gonna lie, that part stings a bit. But I also recognize that the situation is heavier for Elaine who just lost a soulmate.

I'm really lost. I wanna be supportive towards Elaine but the messy part of me wants to end the "relationship" or at least intimate aspect of our "relationship" (air quotes because there really is no relationship to speak of). I can't keep being physically intimate with her after this. Maybe because I feel like I will always be living in Scarlett's shadow?

Sorry, it looks like I'm selfish for even thinking this way about a sad situation. I know the bigger problem is that Scarlett is dead. But these are my thoughts and I need help processing. Right now, I'm just being a good friend and a listening ear to Elaine who is still in shock about the situation. Also I am unable to talk to anyone about this because my FWBship with Elaine is a secret to my friends. Maybe because I feel a deep shame that Elaine never chose me.

Ok so my question is: how can I be a better friend to Elaine while fighting my urge to cut her off because of the uncomfortable feelings that I have about the situation.

[u/on-a-pedestal]

I have no advice to give, except to give yourself grace.

This is an incredibly complicated situation, do what is best for you moving forward, be ethical about how you continue or end situations, and offer to stay friends/give closure where needed.

But you will never have a healthy happy life if you set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

[u/NoSky3279]

You shouldn’t stay in an arrangement that you don’t want, and you can still offer support while also holding the boundary of wanting to reduce intimacy in your relationship. You’re allowed to break up whatever that means for you. I unfortunately dumped my last boyfriend literally the day after our friend died. Different situation entirely and it was suddenly made necessary via verbal abuse, but point being sometimes the timing isn’t when you want it to be

[u/PortiaGreenbottle]

I went through something very similar last year, but with a partner, not a situationship. The aftermath of meta's death was hard for me because my meta was (like anyone who dies) put on an even higher pedestal after death than they already were in life, and in life they were already a soulmate, love of his life, etc.

It was hard being a sounding board for that through my partner's grief. It really started giving me the ick in some ways, which I also felt really, really guilty about. I finally had to express some boundaries as far as what kinds of things I could handle hearing (I only want parallel poly, and some of it was blurring that line). It was a little messy. He resented me for it. I still showed up as best as I could and helped him (continue to help him) grieve. It gets easier.

I felt very selfish, but I don't know, I think it's probably normal to have some not-so-nurturing thoughts in this kind of situation, especially if your brain is racing with what-ifs and this is all really sudden, etc. I'm also someone that just doesn't know how to comfort grieving people, period. Death is weird and uncomfortable and sad and mysterious and life-altering. It's a lot.

Give yourself grace. Try not to worry about the relationship status right now. Be there as best you can, and give yourself nurturing breaks when you need them. Encourage her to talk to a therapist who specializes in grief (that was a huge help for my partner).

Also, I had similar feelings about not knowing if I could have sex with him when I knew meta was on his mind in that way. It's possible your friend won't have any interest in sex anyway while she's grieving. Or it's possible she might turn to sex as a coping mechanism. My partner did, and it was actually a good thing for us. It was a way I could offer him care and affection that he desperately needed without either of us having to navigate around words, conversation landmines, etc. And I think it actually gave his brain a break from thinking about his loss, so it never felt like meta was "there," so to speak.

Big hugs and good luck. ❤️

[u/IcyPrint5494 → u/PortiaGreenbottle]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. A lot of your thoughts and feelings are exactly how I think and feel right now.