r/monodatingpoly • u/fool3d • May 02 '26
Success stories?
Hello, I am constantly seeing people talk about how this dynamic doesn’t work but I have seen a view people share how it’s been successful for them. Can you share how you and your partner have been successful and for how long?
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u/Zazzercise May 02 '26
FWIW my poly partner and I have been together for almost six years and have two kids together. From the beginning my partner explained he is poly and has a long-distance partner he sees every few months. I still struggle with it sometimes but I really love my partner, he is super supportive and we have a great relationship overall. We’re not out to everyone and still figuring out how to explain it to people. To me that is one of the hardest things.
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u/on-a-pedestal 29d ago
Thank you for giving an honest take.
It sounds like he was transparent from the start,, and you only ever wanted monogamy, so this dynamic was the rare good fit without duress. (Difficult feelings do t have to mean duress).
I did in my previous posts point out low % of success, but The primary reason is that most of the time Mono-Polynis attempted, it is in the format of opening a pre-existing monogamous relationship, which almost always fails, even when both partners want to open.
Coming into it aware changes the context and gives you a firm footing (if emotionally difficult) to work from.
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u/Poly_and_RA 27d ago
In all dating-related subs people will usually post when they're in trouble, either to ask for advice, or just to vent or seek support. People rarely post to ANY of the dating-related subs if everything is fine.
There's just no need to seek advice on a situation that doesn't need changing.
I know a few mono-poly couples that are happy together and have been so for a long time. They have a few things in common:
- It was known from the very start, i.e. nobody got poly-bombed but instead someone who themselves is mono deliberately choose to date someone who is poly while having full knowledge of what that means.
- The poly person usually has the mono person as the person they spend by far the most time with, so that the difference to a mono relationship in time invested isn't huge.
- The mono person is low in jealousy and possessiveness and doesn't experience strong negative emotions about their partner loving others.
As an example, I'm just back from a vacation I spent with a poly woman who's married to a monogamous man. They've been happily married for almost a decade, and I consider it very likely that they'll continue to be happy together.
All of the 3 things above are true for them though. And that helps a lot.
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u/fool3d 27d ago
I love this! Thank you for posting. I agree that people are usually seeking advice, it’s just sad that people post negative advice and sadly they’re usually like “you’ll grow resentment towards the poly partner” and I just don’t agree with the “just stay away from it”. They’re seeking advice because they usually love the person who is poly and trying to make it work. That’s why I added the how and for how long to it— I was hoping it to be a positive post for those seeking advice on this sub. I appreciate all you said!
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u/Poly_and_RA 27d ago
These two have been a couple for a bit over a decade, and married for almost a decade this far, and there's no reason it can't become several more happy decades for them.
Their relationship-structure has been polyamory from the start, i.e. they're both free to date others if they want to, although for the obvious reason her monogamous husband hasn't done much of that. (but he has enjoyed perks like being able to have close female friends without ever facing suspicion)
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u/Akatsuki2001 May 02 '26 edited May 02 '26
This is just my take, but I feel it’s almost a disservice to clump all the success stories together. Most of these dynamics will fail. Most should not be attempted. Making it seem like it works for even a semi comparable amount of those it won’t work for will be misleading to people looking for guidance.
There are success stories. But it wouldn’t surprise me if they are truly the 1 percent of people attempting this dynamic, if not less than that.
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u/on-a-pedestal May 02 '26
This.
Most Dating doesn't turn into Relationships
Most relationships don't turn into Marriages
More than Half of all Marriages end in DivorceAnd that's without added complications.
More ENM Dynamics fail because they are USUALLY more volatile (quantity of ppl increases individual issues, and then specific ENM issues).
This is one of the more Unstable Dynamics in ENM. And most doing MonoPoly are doing it because only 1 person wants multiple partners and the other would prefer Monogamy. That doesn't work at all, the Mono person has to Actively Want their partner to have other relationships, and enjoy the space that creates, or it ends up just being a sacrifice.
It's the whole 1% of 1% of 1% thing.
To me it Only probably works if a formerly 2 way ENM dynamic has 1 go down to single partner and decide that's all they want going forward (ambianorous,) but they are truly ENM and enjoy their partner having other partners, or in a BDSM environment where the cuckolding/cuckqueening are apart of the relationship.
Almost everyone posting "I'm new here" is coming in because their partner isn't doing any of the work and basically wants a Harem and those are doomed.
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u/Akatsuki2001 May 02 '26
Well said, most ENM relationships are already highly difficult to work out, and that’s when both partners want ENM. In a mono poly arrangement the relationship is still ENM as a whole. So the mono partner doesn’t really fit in that.
I agree entirely with the instances of it working out you provided. The only other one I would add in is I have seen it kinda work for a mono partner who is asexual or has zero interest in sex, allowing their partner to get it from another partner or partners under the condition it’s only about sex or something like it. And to be clear when I say zero interest in sex I’m talking literally zero, not “oh I want sex twice a week but my partner wants it 4 times a week” stuff lol.
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u/on-a-pedestal May 02 '26
I forgot my asexual friends, and yes. For someone who truly only wants one partner, but has limited interest in physical intimacy and/or too much "on top of each other" energy, they may be able to work as the mono with a poly partner that sfforda them the amount of intimacy and quality time that they specifically want, if they also are the "non-jealous" type, AND both partners are enthusiastically consenting to the plan, and both are doing the normal ENM work (reading, counseling, etc).
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u/NaniNani101 29d ago edited 29d ago
Can you provide statistical evidence of mono-poly relationship success being measured as a 1% of a 1% of a 1%? Always looking for evidence of mono-poly relationship studies and would love to see peer reviewed papers that suggest this. Please provide source links, thank you
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u/on-a-pedestal 29d ago
There are no source links, or major sources research papers that I've ever seen, it's such a niche relationship configuration.
An open relationship where 1 person only has 1 partner sometimes, by choice or not, while the other has multiple is not uncommon, but that's not what this is.
It is super Rare, and it's almost NEVER with both people enthusiastically consenting. It is almost always one person wanting the open, and the other opening under Duress to not lose the only person they want.
I've been discussing this topic and researching it along with other rarer forms of ENM for 5 years, and you see VERY few success stories, compared to other forms of ENM where 1 person isn't under Duress.
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u/NaniNani101 29d ago edited 29d ago
5 years is a long time for study and I respect your research but I am wondering who has been in your research pool and how large it has been. Has it been friends or groups of people that you’ve known that have had these failures? It can feel really isolating for a mono-poly person to hear that it’s incredibly rare and never works out. If 1% of a 1% of a 1% is true, it would be a 0.00001% chance, but that would be far different in a pool of 20 perspectives vs. 20,000 vs 200,000 and many people don’t know of more than 20 mono-poly relationships in general (hence the lack of study!). Support regarding actively choosing & working with this relationship was one of the things I saw the least on the internet, but I have known of multiple mono-poly groups with this dynamic who have made it work and work well. It’s always a choice to be in a relationship and no one, if they feel under duress, has to stay. I’m sorry to hear that a lot of the people you’ve spoken to have felt that way. I hope as you continue your research you can find more people who have actively consented and worked with this relationship despite the differences they face in lifestyle. They’re out there!
This is a great resource to connect with other people’s experiences about mono-poly dating if you haven’t seen this already during your journey. I know it can be frustrating not to find community that has worked it out, but there’s a lot of people who have and if you’re looking for community you’re not alone! : https://polyammering.blog/tag/monopluspoly/
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u/Akatsuki2001 29d ago
It’s respectable to say it feels isolating, but this website seems to do a lot of what I was saying. It gathers all the successes into one place.
Tell me. What do you see is the more likely outcome. A couple who actually would have worked great with mono poly sees comments like these and is discouraged. Or a person or couple who will likely end up harmed by the dynamic seems them and hopefully at least uses them as a speed bump if not entirely avoids the choice all together?
If there is a honestly a single thought in your mind that the numbers are even close to 50/50 you have either only looked for the success stories, or are lying to yourself / me to make a point. It’s true the.00001 percent might be low. But I would love to hear what sounds more accurate to you. Because even 10-20 percent sounds massively overestimated to me.
As most of the comments above say. There is people it will work for. No one is contesting that, we are just saying that number will be the minority by a landslide. Because it obviously is. Take the time to read why most people here enter them. See what a pool of uncollected and unbiased responses looks like, not a collection of successes and pro opinions.
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u/NaniNani101 29d ago edited 29d ago
What I’m pointing out is that the statistical data you’re referencing does not seem backed by large sample sizes and stating information about percentages without concrete evidence is what is harmful to mono-poly couples wanting these relationships who do look for success. Also I did not mention any numbers close to 50% or any statistical data such as a 10-20% success rate. None of these are accurate because none of these numbers are representative of the majority of the population who experiences mono-poly relationships succeeding because there has been no such studies. Historically, sample sizes and subsequent data have been manipulated for underrepresented communities to prove “points” about them that are not factual, so it’s incredibly important to see how success does and doesn’t fit in accurately.
I’m sure you don’t want to give people false hope and these numbers are your approximation based on your experiences, that makes sense, but the point of this specific question is to ask for success stories because hope can help inform people who want this of the possibility of success with the same work, dedication, and openness that goes into all long term relationships. Mono-poly groups are underrepresented, so finding representation from mono-poly groups that have made it work is the advice they need to understand their relationships better, and they can make decisions from there. Having an informed framework is the first step in self acceptance and understanding of whether or not it’s right for you.
Note that adults seeking to be well informed in entering a relationship they haven’t experienced before does include them seeing the positives as well as the negatives, then they will take action based on that understanding on what works best for them. Adults seeking to enter a partnership to save their relationship from failure will already have bias against it being ended no matter what information they see. So the answer to your question is this: I would rather people seeking success stories be well informed that there are successes and make better decisions based on that, not be told over and over that they’re statistically doomed no matter what.
All in all you want people to understand both sides so that you create less fear about the process. Fear of not fitting into an idealistic version of relationships (in monogamy or in polyamory only) is a powerful motivator for quitting regardless of what could make individuals happy and what could work for them in their relationships. Both the negative and positive side matter, but what is overwhelmingly shown is one sided thinking with negativity bias towards these relationships failing based on monogamous culture that has upheld the sterotypes and status quo that this type of relationship cannot work at all no matter how much effort is put in. Speaking as a monogamous person, monogamous culture sustains standards of oppression towards polyamorous and polyamorous adjacent people that keeps them sad and unhappy because the default “it has a higher chance to work out” is assigned to monogamous pairings only, while a default “it has a very low likelihood to work out” is assigned to polyamorous and mono-poly spaces, not because it’s accurate but because it’s underrepresented. This oppression towards blended relationships needs to be analyzed by people willing to break from singular spaces, and what they need is support from their own groups so that they don’t experience false expectations that are skewed negatively or positively.
Mono-poly IS difficult but stating that success is nearly impossible is not true, not accurately researched enough, and not cared enough about in monogamous culture to research because monogamy culture favors monogamy. If technicality is in play, to truly prove something like this you would need multiple research studies conducted over decades by multiple researches that show statistical evidence of these relationships not working.
I was the person who researched these types of comments for years until I moved away from them to find better informed resources. I am on the other side of the negativity in a successful mono-poly relationship, but all that work came from finding resources on my own, polling real people with real experience in mono-poly and not looking at Reddit. As I have accepted this relationship and its importance to me, I have met and seen other people who have been in my shoes and have built community with them. There is no “obvious” because people aren’t obvious. There is no one size fits all approach to relationships.
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u/Akatsuki2001 29d ago edited 29d ago
Can you provide your better sources then? Again your source is opinion pieces, collections of success stories.
Asking for scientific studies that do not exist does not disprove anything we are saying. It simply highlights it does not exist, neither of us stated our numbers as scientifically accurate and backed by science. For mine they are my best guess after doing what you said you did, looked at people in these relationships.
Give me your best guess what the percentage of mono partners that actually benefit more than they are harmed by the mono poly dynamic. We seem to both agree it is not 50/50. So what’s your best guess?
Also, Why would you want to take away some of the severity and fear in this decision? For many mono couples this will legitimately destroy their relationship if entered lightly. Can you agree to that too?
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u/NaniNani101 29d ago
I would love to provide some sources! They all include statistical evidence of ENM relationships with sample sizes, scientific research, and are easily accessible on the internet. Remember that all these papers could contain bias and they’re not an end all be all of individual relationships. Also it’s not a complete list of sources by a wide margin.
1: https://corescholar.libraries.wright.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1068&context=biw
2: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8321986/
3: https://digitalcommons.chapman.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1241&context=psychology_articles
These are all ENM and CNM focused as again, there are no large studies conducted specifically on mono-poly relationships, but ENM/CNM has been researched and mono-poly can fit into these types of data analyses.
I don’t have a guess because the population of mono-poly relationships in particular is underrepresented, so no one could have a best guess or a true understanding until such studies are conducted and proven.
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u/Akatsuki2001 29d ago
These do not reference the issue at hand at all, they basically just say what polyamory is and states there is a stigma, they also state it’s growing in size. What do these have to do with mono poly relationships?
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u/VampireDentist 18d ago
Bringing up sample sizes of this niche (and taboo) of a domain is disingenous and stupid. Even if you managed to get enough peole in this kind of study, your sampling bias would always matter an order of magnitudfe more than sample size.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
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u/NaniNani101 29d ago edited 28d ago
I have been dating my partner for 4 years in a mono-poly relationship, living with his partner, with absolutely no intention to leave and it’s tiring to hear that this type of relationship is always doomed to fail. It does work for people, and spreading misinformation about how it’s always doomed to fail in every single situation is inaccurate and unhelpful, especially when someone is asking specifically for success stories.
Mono-poly relationships ARE difficult and unfortunately do not come with a ton of support for the monogamous person OR the poly person in this situation on both sides. Let’s assume you and your partner suit each other pretty well and the only big thing you struggle with is mono-poly.
On the monogamous person’s side, there’s a massive amount of deconstruction you need to face about why jealousy happens for you, how monogamy culture upholds insecurity, and why you can feel incredibly hurt when your partner loves others.
On the poly person’s side, restriction of freedom, fear that they will hurt you as a partner, and fear that their true love and attraction to others (while still loving/being attracted to you) will not be understood or accepted can really hurt them too.
However, with therapy, deep communication, support, commitment, and understanding, many of these issues can be overcome if you’re right for each other. My partner and I have gone through intense struggle surrounding mono-poly dating, but have a wonderful and beautiful relationship that we work on everyday just like any monogamous couple in a long term relationship.
Many, MANY mono-mono relationships fail too. All my mono-mono relationships failed because they just weren’t right for me. This relationship worked because of everyone’s commitment, crystal clear communication, and dedication to a good life which are all values I respect, admire, and want in a relationship.
I live with my partner and his partner. We are a family. We follow through for each other. We fuck up. We’ve made big mistakes and small ones many times and will continue to do so because we’re human. We have had rough times where we have ALL questioned whether or not we were a good fit for each other and then absolutely pulled through for each other in and outside of therapy with our commitment, communication and effort. We love each other deeply, and always want the best for each other. I am happier than I have ever been.
On a personal note, how I worked through a lot of the issues as a monogamous person dating someone who was poly was to really push myself to understand WHY I was triggered when my partner showed love and affection for another person, then dig deep in therapy about it over and over again until I understood what I wanted most, which ended up being my partner and the poly experience. This is not everyone’s conclusion, some people end up needing monogamy to be happy and that is OKAY! For me, the jealousy was entirely because of my upbringing. Finding a support group, finding a therapist who was experienced with poly, and being radically honest with my partner about my emotions was also monumental in my personal feelings of security, which led to our relationship continuing strong from my end. The reciprocity in this energy from my partner and his partner is also what led to our relationship working. It wasn’t just me holding it up and that was huge for me too.
Tl;dr Without commitment, communication, and understanding all relationships are doomed to fail. Mono-poly can absolutely be rough but if your values match and you’re willing to put in the effort you can have a happy, fulfilling relationship. Note that success is not something you can “achieve”. It is an every day process that grows with you as time goes on. If you find that this isn’t right for you, there’s nothing wrong with you. But if you find out that it does work and it makes you happy don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Wishing you much love and happiness!
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u/PandoraAndrei 29d ago
Curious, how would one overcome being left at home so their partner can go have sex with someone else?
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u/NaniNani101 29d ago
This is a great question and it’s one of the hardest things to face during this process because there is such intense value assigned to being someone’s one and only as a sexual partner in monogamous culture. Any deviation from that norm can make you feel worthless as a partner, leading to questions like “Am I not good enough” or “why aren’t they spending that energy with me when I’m available?” That’s a tough place to be, even if your polyamorous person clearly cares and loves you, but it’s not their fault you feel this way when they’re being upfront about their choices. It’s monogamy as a dominant force that pushes you to believe your worth can be tied to sex, and you also might just be monogamous and only a monogamous person can satisfy you. That’s okay too! There’s no “overcoming it” or “getting over it”, you will still feel jealous (just as anyone will in /any/ relationship, romantic or not, monogamous or not will feel). It’s just a matter of finding what you really need when you’re feeling jealous (such as more time, more energy, more reassurance) and how you and your partner can work together to make sure your needs are met.
What helped most through this for my own experience was to get poly informed therapists who helped me and my partner achieve deep, grounded communication surrounding sex and jealousy. Leaving because it just didn’t work for me was always on the table during these conversations, but I really pushed to analyze why jealousy was coming up for me and discussed that continuously with my partner until we came to good conclusions together with systems in place to support us both. It’s the same as facing big challenges in any relationship. It’s hard work on both ends. If you feel like your poly person is not communicating effectively with you it is your right to ask for that communication. It is not just on the monogamous person to work on the jealousy and pain. It is a collaborative effort to come together have a fun, loving life together. Sex is a part of that. Sex is also not a part of that. It’s all about being with the person, how they make you feel, and how you repair together.
It is a privilege to have access to therapy so some sources I would recommend to start would be The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy by Lola Phoenix and the Gottman institute to start working on feelings behind the jealousy and aiming towards consistent communication.
If you find for your relationship that your needs can be met by your polyamorous partner but you still feel hurt when they are open with you about sleeping with others, I would work on deconstructing why you feel that way. See if exclusive sex is one of the things you tie worth to. See if you can feel worthy even if your partner is exploring their love with another human. If your specific conclusion is that it feels too difficult to cope, you hate it, and you need a monogamy centered partnership, then you absolutely need that and there’s no reason to stay. But your inherent worth is not tied to what you can provide someone and your needs can be understood more fully with communication and love, even when your partner sleeps with others. Deeply loving and trusting yourself is the way to find compassion in dark moments. It’s all a process, not a destination!
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u/PandoraAndrei 29d ago
Not even just that. It's also the being told they want sex to then go have sex with someone else. And then, what? Your sexual needs get discarded so they can have 'variety' ?
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u/NaniNani101 29d ago
If you feel discarded and that your sexual needs aren’t getting met then that’s an incredibly serious discussion you need to bring up and work on heavily with your poly partner. Your hurt about this major pain cannot wait, your feelings matter. Do a lot of thinking on why the ‘variety’ part bothers you so deeply. Is it a deep fear of not being considered special? Is it pain surrounding how your partner is communicating with you? Is it how many people they’re sleeping with? Sexual safety? It is your time together that’s getting sidelined in favor of other partners? Speak about it deeply and openly. Talk about it with them soon with gentleness but tell them that you feel discarded. Think about what could help you feel more secure and ask for specifics regarding what you want but you absolutely must still respect their choice to sleep with others. If they can’t meet your needs even after it’s discussed you should absolutely consider moving on, but on their end they’re being upfront, and doing what they said they would do, which is loving and being sexually involved with others /and/ you. If you were aware of their intentions and consenting to be in a relationship with them regardless, you cannot be angry at them that they fulfilled their upfront intentions. As a monogamous partner, you have every right to feel hurt, but if you really need total sexual exclusivity to feel safe and happy, then a polyamorous partner is /not/ a good fit for you. That’s a good thing to understand about yourself, and you can get a lot of happiness out of that self awareness! If you have the capability I would recommend going to an ENM informed marriage and family therapist to talk about these feelings of sexual discard with your partner because this is tough and everyone moving into mono-poly will experience this at some point. These painful feelings will absolutely linger and build resentment if you don’t discuss them openly or take action to make sure your needs are met and then it can harm you and your partner long term. Discussion can be hard but it’s better than hurting alone.
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u/PandoraAndrei 29d ago
Wouldn't be anything that would make more secure. I am always up for, more then just that, wanting sex so only thing would be having sex with me.
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u/NaniNani101 29d ago
Then it sounds like you answered your question and a monogamous relationship is the only fit for you
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u/PandoraAndrei 28d ago
I thank you for not just basically telling me to gaslight myself into being okay with it.
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u/andthenthereweretwo 28d ago
On the monogamous person’s side, there’s a massive amount of deconstruction you need to face about why jealousy happens for you, how monogamy culture upholds insecurity, and why you can feel incredibly hurt when your partner loves others.
On the poly person’s side, restriction of freedom, fear that they will hurt you as a partner, and fear that their true love and attraction to others (while still loving/being attracted to you) will not be understood or accepted can really hurt them too.
"Monogamy culture" is defined as upholding insecurity while "polyamory culture" gets off the hook for the ever-common poly-bombing and devaluing partners. Interesting.
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u/fool3d 29d ago
Thank you so much! I 100% agree with people only focusing on this dynamic failing which is why I felt the need to ask for success because yes, the rate is high for divorce in mono relationships but we still get a percentage of people staying married for life. I also agree that as long as you’re willing to be vulnerable and support one another through it (which any dynamic needs) then it can work out. This post is so refreshing, thank you so much!
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u/PurpleIsAWayOfLife 28d ago
We are not a success story...but maybe one in the making? My husband is NM (38) and I'm Mono(37). We tried Poly and it was not for me, but he emersed himself in it. He has another relationship and though I'd really like for both of us to be Mono again, he does not feel it's fair to close off his relationship. We are trying to make it work. It's a lot of continual work on my part and not as much on his, but that's the name of the game. I have more feelings to control, I have more rules to make, etc. He does understand this and "holds space" for me to open up about my feelings. He works on the rules with me and has compromised a lot for me to feel secure while he also gets to keep his other relationship. He agreed to close only, but they are not going to end anytime soon, I'm betting. His boyfriend is super chill and understanding and they are more friends that....do more than anything. It all ends up being about processing and controlling emotions for me. He sees my struggle and is there to help in any way that he can, but a lot of this is just work I have to do. He is willing to compromise a lot for us, and I'm very grateful.
I have a hard time with multiple sex partners and fear of STIs so they both agreed to no penetration. Toys and oral or whatever is fine. They already use condoms for oral so my worry about STIs is not 0, but it's as close to as I can get it without him ending his relationship. We had marriage counseling and will continue when we have insurance again. We work on us and I work on me as well. He manages his other relationship and helps me with jealousy or lets me talk at least. He reasures me regularly. I'm trying. Its still really hard, but we are married and have 2 kids and we are in love. It's worth it. This dynamic doesn't seem like it's changing for a while, so I have accepted it and am working to make sure that my needs are also cared for.
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u/fool3d 27d ago
That’s the aspect I think a lot of people don’t want to recognize—that it’s helpful when analyzing and recognizing where the emotions come from and how to handle and work through them. It’s special to be vulnerable like that, builds a lot of trust and understanding towards one another too. He is a very lucky man to have someone who is willing to do that with him. May your progress and journey make it to success 💛
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u/PantaRheia May 02 '26
You constantly see people talking about how this dynamic fails, well... because this dynamic constantly fails.
The others have already said it much better than I could, I just really want to drive the point home that in this very particular setting usually stems from one of the partners wanting ENM while the other doesn't, and these posts here usually are written by the mono partner trying to deal with it, and trying to find ways and strategies to cope, while for the ENM partner everything is fine and dandy, basically putting the responsibility to "manage their feelings" onto the mono partner while they happile ride their NRE waves into the sunset.
I'd wager that a monogamous person will never TRULY be happy and excited about their partner having other relationships (which is the basic requirement for ENM to work), because if they were, they wouldn't call themselves monogamous in the first place. But that's just my take.