So for context my partner has 4 partners and I only have one. Usually i see my partner once or twice a week. My night with him is also a night where there are events that he hosts.
I enjoy sex and I prefer kinky sex. It just hasn’t been happening. My partner is super busy with work and has a rather new business that takes a lot of his time. So when i do get to see him he’s tired. I am not getting the time with my partner that I need. I’m happy that his business is taking off and I’m so proud of what he’s been able to do. At the same time I am frustrated because my needs aren’t getting met. I don’t know what to do or how to act. A part of me wants to ask of I can have another partner, but I know he will not like that. I know he’s getting sex once a day and for me it’s been over a week.

Hello, first off sorry I’m on mobile. Second, I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for 10 years. My partner & I are both FtM, & I’ve dated other people in high school before we got together in 2016. He’s never dated anyone, I’m his first and only relationship.

We’re currently on a break because he felt he couldn’t keep pursuing his feelings for someone else without hurting me. Which is true, because currently on this break it still hurts to know he wants connection from others. He has no “obligation” to me since we are on this break and is technically single. Which hurts a lot to say.

This has been going on for about 2 months now. At first he started hanging out with his coworkers B (female, straight) & H (male, gay). H got out of a 10 year relationship as well and needed his friends/coworkers. Of course when my partner asked me if it was okay that he goes I would always say yes because those are his friends. He also has a hard time making & keeping friends so I encouraged him a lot to hang out with them. Eventually B never wanted to hang out as often so my partner & H would hang out together. At first it was that they were friends but eventually my partner would come home and talk about H in a way that raised flags of concern. But I told myself no that’s not what it is, he’s just hyper fixating right now because this is new and different.

Eventually me, my partner, & H went to hang out at his place and my partner & H talked in his room with the door closed while I was out in the living room on the futon. My partner came out to tell me they did confess they have some sort of feelings for each other but they couldn’t put a label on what it was exactly. They like the attention from each other and like holding hands and linking arms and getting pecks from each other. But they weren’t involved sexually/romantically yet. Very kindergarten stuff (my partners words). Of course when he told me I was devastated, I cried a lot. And haven’t stopped tbh. We mutually agreed that taking a break is best so we can both work through this. Last night all four of us, B, H, my partner, & I, came home from Disney for H’s birthday. H & B went home after dropping my partner and I off home.

We talked for 3 hours about the way things have been going. We’ve had multiple talks before over the last 2 months ( and a few times before about 4-5 years into our relationship) about him feeling poly and like he can love more than one person and wants emotional connection from others. He wants me to work on communication, and being okay with him being poly. He said he still loves me and wants me to be in his life but that if I want to be in a relationship with him I need to work on communicating and with him being poly. He doesn’t like that I feel as though he’s found an ethical way to leave me to be with someone else. Which I can’t help because that’s exactly how I feel. He doesn’t like feeling possessed over or jealousy. He keeps saying he doesn’t want to string me along and give me false hope but that he still loves me and doesn’t want to lose me because then if he loses everyone he has no one. I tried being okay with it at first but he wasn’t spending enough time with me still and even H told him go home and spend time with your partner. My partner would come home and spend a few hours with me and then want to go back to H’s house. It made me feel like a chore to get done. I told him this and he assured me I’m not, just that he’s trying to figure out what it is between him & H and that he needs to spend time with H in order to figure it out. But I’m still left here with no hand holding, or cuddles, or any type of closeness. So of course it hurt/s to see him do that with someone else. After 10 years he told me he feels trapped, when all I’ve ever given him is freedom to be himself. All of a sudden he feels trapped??

There’s so much we’ve talked about but this is the gist of what our conversations come to. He still loves me and feels like nothing hasn’t changed between us in terms of our relationship but we are on a break so that I can work on being okay with him being poly. And even then he said he can’t make any promises that if this thing with H doesn’t go anywhere more than friends with a little extra (cause they aren’t friends with benefits) that he can’t promise it won’t happen again with someone else. So now my question is: how do I be okay with it? He’s literally my entire world & I don’t want to lose him. But it hurts to know that someone else is going to receive the same affections that I get/got. That his attention will be divided between me and someone else. All of the things that come with being poly I’ve thought about and it shatters me to my core to think that everything we’ve experienced together in 10 years, can be done with someone else. While I just sit here and wait for my turn with his attention. The hurt is so visible in my body that people at work (we work in the same place just different departments) have noticed I look pale and depressed and that I’ve lost weight.

Sorry for the long post and thank you for reading this far. I really need advice as this came to a huge turning point last night and I really want us to work out because he’s my best friend too.

26F. Never been in a relationship before and I think I accidentally fell for a married poly guy 2 months ago

He was upfront from day one that he was married, had a child, and was poly. At the time I thought I could handle it because I wasn’t looking for anything serious.

The problem is that I unexpectedly developed real feelings.

We’ve never defined what we are. He’s never said he likes me, but his actions make me feel like he genuinely enjoys spending time with me outside of sex.

Recently I noticed he’s still actively updating his Bumble profile. Logically I know that’s completely consistent with being poly. Emotionally, it hit me harder than I expected.

I don’t think I’m feeling jealousy as much as anxiety. He has a spouse, a family, relationship experience, and previous partners. This is literally the first person I’ve ever liked physically, emotionally, and intellectually at the same time.

For people experienced with poly relationships:
1. Is this anxiety normal?
2. How do you deal with not being someone’s only partner?
3. What motivates married poly people to keep dating?
4. Can these relationships actually be stable long-term?

Looking for honest perspectives, not judgment.

My partner (31m) and I (33M) have been together not that long, about 1.5yrs now. He cheated* on me about 6 months ago with a “friend” that was explicitly stated that had no sexual aspects to it. When I found out about it I did confront him and we worked on trying to repair but it felt cut short. He soon started dating a couple weeks after and ended up falling in love with our neighbor (30F).

I tried my best to not let jealousy flood my system but it’s kinda hard when someone you’re trying to rebuild trust with immediately attached themselves to an other.

I guess what I’m trying to ask is should I just leave this relationship? It feels very inconsiderate and honestly a bit overwhelming at the moment. His patterns of behavior have shifted slightly to accommodate me but it just doesn’t feel like enough is being done to make me feel safe and secure.

He says he loves me and he’s trying but I’m simply not seeing it. Am I the issue or is he? Are we both the problem?

*cheating is not disclosing/communicating what kind of relationship you have with said person or overreaching boundaries to the point of harm.

I'm really curious of how it is to have different partners, multiple at the same time?

Whether one is emotional wise, the other sex? Or all being providing both as a whole?

How do people share in such relationships? Love life/sex life and etc, how does it all add up?

Recruitment Letter for a Qualitative Study in Psychology

Subject: Invitation to Participate in a Research Study

Dear r/polyamoryous redditors

I am posting to invite you to take part in a research study titled Towards a Therapeutic Application of Intersectional Feminist Therapy with Consensually Nonmonogamous Populations. This study explores how aspects of intersectional experiences and feminist theoretical concepts may be applicable to the experiences of CNM individuals and their relationships. The experiences and perspectives of individuals in this community would provide valuable insight.

You are being invited because of your valuable experiences. Individuals who are are CNM, polyamorous, or who participate in a consensually non-monogamous form of relationship and is over the age of 18 is eligible to be considered for this study. Participation is completely voluntary.

If you choose to participate, please email me using the details below. I will contact you with the information you provide to go over informed consent. Eligible individuals will asked to participate in a semi-structured interview by text, video, or phone that is expected to be between 60-90 minutes long. With your permission, the interview conversation will be audio‑recorded (or text-recorded) to ensure accuracy. You will be able to decline to answer any question or stop participating at any time.

All information shared is confidential and encrypted. All names and identification will be removed from all transacted material and the researcher will be the only individual who will have access to raw data and identifying information. The IRB board has approved this study and the approval number is 2431691-1.

There are no known risks associated with participation. There is a compensation of a $25 gift card provided for study participation. Contributions to this investigation may increase the understanding of how feminist theory concepts may decrease pathologization and stigma of the community and increase areas of CNM empowerment in therapeutic spaces. It may also provide a foundation for CNM friendly therapy options with further research.

If you are interested in participating in the study or if you have questions, please contact me at my encrypted email at Katherine.Kreil@my.calsouthern.edu. I would be happy to provide more details. Thank you for considering this study invitation. Your voice and experience matter and it is important that CNM perspectives be included in psychology research and therapy. I hope you will consider sharing your perspectives.

Sincerely,

Katherine Kreil

Researcher/PhD student

California Southern University

fae (28 NB) doesn't drink enough water. fae claims to hate water and prefer apple juice but fae doesn't drink enough apple juice either.

so whenever fae visits, three of us (23NB, 25NB, 27NB) harrass faer by bringing beverages and giving reminders. it's fun how fae pretends to get mad.

it's gotten to the point where the picture of our chat is an image i found online where 3 demons are forcing a girl to drink water.

is our relationship doomed?

(this post is not serious, but all details are true.)

My wife’s boyfriend comes over every Friday night and insists on playing Mario Kart before they spend time together. At first it was fun, but lately he’s been taking it way too seriously. He knows all the shortcuts, drifts around every corner perfectly, and somehow always has a blue shell waiting for me on the last lap.

Last week I finally got first place and he just said “good job buddy” before immediately beating me by 20 seconds in the next race. My wife laughed when he started referring to me as “Player 2” instead of using my actual name.

I’ve tried practicing but it’s hard to improve when he’s apparently training like there’s a Mario Kart Olympics. Would it be unreasonable to ask him to use a worse character combination, or is that controlling behavior?

Partner 53M is in 1 relationship for nearly 5yrs. During that period he’s had 3 other shorter term partners, only 1 of which is current. All of his partners are Fs35-45. I have zero interest in dating as I’m older & post menopause (58). Aside from counseling & good communication, is there anything proactive I’m overlooking? I understand this relationship dynamic is less common.

I’m not really sure where to begin since this is all new to me, and I’m not even In a relationship yet.

I moved to a new city in march last year and met a girl that I got along with. We went out a few times as friends then she disappeared for a while so I figured that was the end of it. A few months ago she popped back up with a boyfriend and our friendship really took off. At the same time I did develop a mild crush on her bf but I never planned to act on it, I mean crushes happen right?

Lately however we’ve been really comfortable together. They’ve casually mentioned threesomes and have been pretty open about their personal lives. Fast forward to last night and they mention that they’re poly and she has a guy on the side. Now I’m sort of rethinking everything because that mild crush isn’t so mild anymore and It sounds like I might at least have a chance?

I love talking with him about movies and life and just anything at all. I love seeing every little expression on his face like it’s a new side of him I haven’t seen yet. But I also love the way he looks at her? Like seeing them get along and flirt and be cute makes me feel all warm and fuzzy too. I’m not looking to steal him away or anything, and I’m still working out my feelings for her. I don’t think it’s quite the same, more like I want to fall asleep with her cuddling on the couch in a mildly platonic way? But not too platonic because she’s cute too? Argh.

I’m just so lost and these feelings are a bit overwhelming, but not in a bad way. I haven’t been in a relationship for over a decade. I just assumed I was ace until I met them 🤷‍♀️ how would y’all go about navigating this?

Hey everyone,

I’ve been lurking in poly spaces for a while and finally feel ready to share our story. My wife and I have been together 10+ years. We started as swingers/hotwife, which worked great for us for a long time. About 7 months ago, my wife wanted to explore her submissive side and find a real Dom. I helped her find one — a long-time friend of mine who turned out to be an incredibly good match for her.

What started as “just BDSM” quickly became a real emotional relationship for her. That’s when everything fell apart for me. I had massive jealousy, control issues, fear of replacement, and even old childhood trauma from my first love came roaring back. I tried to shut it down multiple times. We had blow-ups, shutdowns, tears, and some of the hardest conversations of our marriage. I was living in scarcity and fear for months.

At the same time, I started exploring my own lane and met someone new. What began as fun quickly turned into something real — deep emotional connection, love, and a pleasure Dom / submissive dynamic that feels incredibly special. I went through my own messy middle while watching my wife go through hers.

The last few weeks have been a turning point. After one final “nuclear” conversation, my wife finally acknowledged she had been trying to control my lane out of fear. She let go of the restrictions and has been actively supporting my relationship with my girlfriend. She even took my girlfriend shopping for sexy clothes for me and hosted her for an overnight (my girlfriend slept in my wife’s pajamas). They actually like each other. We’re moving toward real kitchen-table integration.

On my side, I’m experiencing something I never thought was possible: genuine compersion for my wife and her partner, a bigger heart that can hold deep love for two women without one taking away from the other, and a surge of love and desire for my wife that’s stronger than it’s been in years. I still have moments of disbelief (“my girlfriend just stayed the night in my wife’s pajamas and it was peaceful”). It feels like my heart literally grew.

I’m not saying we’ve “arrived.” There will still be waves. But after 7 months of brutal messy-middle work, we’re finally starting to feel the abundance instead of the fear.

If you’re in the middle of the fire right now — the jealousy, the control battles, the “I don’t know if I can do this” spirals — I just want you to know it can get better. It’s hard as hell, but the other side is real.

Would love to hear from others who have made it through the messy middle into something that actually feels good.

Thanks for reading.

i (32f) have been w my bf (38m) for 6 years. i cheated once and we broke up for awhile but got back together. we get along fine but he’s not in tune w my emotions like partners in the past have been. im unsatisfied sexually because of the lack of emotional connection. he is pretty against the idea of having other partners i think because of insecurity and jealousy. how can i gently bring up exploring polyamory without him feeling attacked ?

Ok, I could only pick one flare- so I selected chesting, but it's also a question... and I'm a newbie... sort-of.

I (M 38) and my wife (F 37) have been in a monogamous marriage for... almost 13 years. Almost made it there. 2 years into our marriage she cheated on me, i told her to end it, anf fix us. She said she needed time to decide on what she wanted. I gave her that time, almost 2 years is what I gave her. The he tried to force himself on her while she was sleeping once (while visiting him in another state) and I got her a ticket home- that ended that. She chose me. Then she was mourning this breakup and I tried to be kind and gentle- patient even.

But she just stipped showing my any affection. I became her roommate that just kept her warm at night and and was legally married to her. Then this past Jan, 8 years later, I found some messages on her discord that I wasnt supposed to see. I wasn't looking or snooping, she just accidentally left it up when I was trangerring files from my laptop to hers. I discovered that in 1 month, they went from flirting to... sexting.

We had this big friend-cation planned for my birthday in September. This guy was supposed to come. And there was a day planned with the friend group for laser tag and some other stuff. But I have war related PTSD, so I wasn't going to participate in that part. And what I was reading was that they were going to take advantage of the fact I wouldn't be there, so that they could sneak off together.

I was in such a state of shock when I read their messages, that I had a heart attack. Like... docs have confirmed it. But the whole time- she was telling him that I knew aboit them and it was ok. So he never asked me.

When I found out, i sent some texts to him to F off and stay the F away from me. But that was it. 2 days later they broke up. A week later, without speaking with me about it at all- they're back together and Im in a (what i saw another poster refer to as "poly under duress.") Poly relationship that i don't want to be in.

I do love my wife, i give her everything and anything she wants or asks for. From caring for her, to ohysical things, affection, doting... everything. She forgot our anniversary, and 2 days later, forgot my white chip day. 13 years being clean that wouldn't have happened without her. A day that had meant more to me than any of celebratory day, ever. Then i had surgery and while i was in the operating room being sliced and diced, she had a series of strokes!

So im willing to give some grace. But heres the thing. They're relationship is based on a lie. He thinks I knew because she never told him the truth. And they want to have a little commitment ceremony. For hime to be her 2nd husband.

I know that honestly, I should probably divorce her, just end this. And then tell him the truth.

But, i just cant. I could never leave her. I do truly love her and just want her to be happy. I think he should know the truth tho. Before he moves from the west coast all the way to the east coast, with no family or friends here. He needs to know that the reason I hate him is because she cheated on me with him. And then forced me into this relationship. I keep hearing this phrase "if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you." I kind of hope she cheats on him too, or that he cheats on her. Idk.

I jist wish she wouldnt keep doing the same routine and act like im here. If i felt like things were equal, i might feel different. She says shes still in love with me, but I dont believe her. She might love me, but in love... it died for her a long time ago, I think.

Idk... how do I get him to just go away. Or how do i tell him the truth without getting blamed and me also losing her.

You can tell me all you want to just leave her, but I wont. So don't bother with that one. Oh, and the vacation for my birthday, is just her and I now. No one else is coming. Bc theire relationship has lost us all of our friends. Literally. No one will talk to us anymore. Not even just me alone. Because they all think that He is a bad person, hateful, judging, prejudiced, and conceited... and thats the nicse things...

What would any of you do?

I started hooking up with this guy back in January. Being completely honest, I am in an open relationship but did not tell my partner I was doing this. On my birthday, I gave the guy I’m hooking up with my friend’s number in an attempt to be free and open and that they would hook up and we would have a threesome. then the guy I was seeing started back up on apps and being dishonest saying these were regular people he knew before we met (wasn’t true). he was texting my friend and still trying to make that happen even though my friend said he would back off. this all got to me and was too much so I ghosted the guy I was seeing to cut it off. my friend brings him up and asks if I am still hooking up with him even though I haven’t seen him for over a month which makes me feel like they did stuff and he wants to know if I know. My feelings are hurt. This guy made me feel special and seen and like I mattered but the sneaking around and him seeing other people even though he said I was the reason he got off the apps. And the stuff with my friend. I need to hear other people’s perspective no matter how harsh.

Has anyone had any experience in solo-poly as a night shifter worker? I’m not exactly looking for ons but more of a fwb, since a more traditional (nontrad) dating experience is difficult as a night shift worker unless I’m dating a night shift worker. Which I’ve found to be rare in the non-monogamous lifestyle. Let us discuss.

I am happily married and bisexual - have been with my husband for 29 years and we just celebrated 23 years of marriage. But something is missing. He is the only person I have been with and our sex life is amazing. I can't get enough of him. He makes me feel absolutely amazing. Now here's the crazy question - is it weird on my part to want to watch him play with another woman?

Actually what I want to do is becomes friends with another bisexual woman and then if things are going well, her and I play. Then when the opportunity happens, I want them to play. It would be like all three of us are friends with benefits.

Am I crazy that I am allowing my husband to have a lover and a wife? Am I crazy that it turns me on to know he will make her feel amazing and all 3 of us can play together? Is he crazy that it turns him on as well to sit back and watch her and I play until one of us tells him to join?

Advice please as well as help to find said woman!!! Where should I look to find her?

Me and my partner of 8 years recently reopened our relationship especially since I'm moving for work. The first time we opened and indeed tried to do things with other people it didn't go well. My partner met an idiot that broke their heart and that was the reason we closed the relationship.

I admit i have many insecurities and fears of not being enough or my internalised slut shaming. But one of my new fears is what if someone hurts my partner? I could not bear to have them again in my arms crying and this being the fault of someone else. I can't describe the hate i feel even to this day for this person.

My partner talks to some people and i joke that they try to make a harem and tease that they have a crush on the other person.

But deep down I'm still afraid that someone will hurt the person i hold dear to me

Hiii everyone! First time poster here, so i do apologize in advance. I guess I'm seeking some advice on a new situation as someone practicing poly/enm for about i guess nine years now at this point. Five of them being with my current nesting partner/fiancee. I honestly have not been the happiest in any poly relationship as much as I have with my fiancee. Even when they get more dates and other relationship more, I never really feel jealous or anything, especially since they always continue to shower me with love and affection when its just us.

Now the issue comes our up coming wedding. Currently my fiancee has a boyfriend that has been pretty stable and consistent, and I could not be any happier for them. My fiancee wants their boyfriend to be their best man for our wedding, again great thats fine. My fiancee wants to come out to their family about our relationship style, and introduce their boyfriend to everyone.

My family knows about how I live my life, mothers more understanding, father is against is especially now getting married. I feel a bit uncomfortable the idea, as I really don't want my fiancee to get the negative backlash, especially when my last major relationship mirror more polygamy.

I do feel some resentment, as I do have a long distance boyfriend, and in the beginning I wanted to invite him. My fiancee though it might not be right since hes a bit older than me, and didn't want things to be weird. But after my fiancee wanted to announce to both our family about their boyfriend.

I have a lot of complicated feelings about everything, but all I want to do is be supportive to my fiancee. From day one I have always supported them about being their true self, and will continue to do that. I just don't know how to go about this part.

Any suggestions would be great, I'm really bad at voicing my thoughts and feelings clearly. My nerves just make me ramble. Thank you again and appreciate your time.

So me and my partners are going on 3 and 2 years together and im looking for a female partner but I've had zero luck with dating apps. Am I looking in the wrong places or getting hopes up considering im highly antisocial and don't really leave home?