r/polyamorous • u/Infamous_Wing_3267 • 1d ago
question Never dated before. Accidentally fell for a married poly man and now I’m confused
26F. Never been in a relationship before and I think I accidentally fell for a married poly guy 2 months ago
He was upfront from day one that he was married, had a child, and was poly. At the time I thought I could handle it because I wasn’t looking for anything serious.
The problem is that I unexpectedly developed real feelings.
We’ve never defined what we are. He’s never said he likes me, but his actions make me feel like he genuinely enjoys spending time with me outside of sex.
Recently I noticed he’s still actively updating his Bumble profile. Logically I know that’s completely consistent with being poly. Emotionally, it hit me harder than I expected.
I don’t think I’m feeling jealousy as much as anxiety. He has a spouse, a family, relationship experience, and previous partners. This is literally the first person I’ve ever liked physically, emotionally, and intellectually at the same time.
For people experienced with poly relationships:
1. Is this anxiety normal?
2. How do you deal with not being someone’s only partner?
3. What motivates married poly people to keep dating?
4. Can these relationships actually be stable long-term?
Looking for honest perspectives, not judgment.
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u/Eldernerdhub 1d ago
- Is this anxiety normal?
Absolutely, to a point. Some people cannot handle this lifestyle. If it gets painful, you may need to rethink your situation.
- How do you deal with not being someone’s only partner?
I've always been an odd little freak. I've never really been a jealous person. From my perspective, it just looks like a dog's resource guarding. I only get hurt of the intention is to hurt. I think I'm just built different. By that I mean, wrong.
- What motivates married poly people to keep dating?
It differs from person to person. A lot of people will chase the high of new relationships, like a serial monogamous person. A lot of people just want to be loved by a community. I have personality stopped looking for new partners. I'm satisfied with two.
- Can these relationships actually be stable long-term?
I'm part of an 11 year old triad. My wife has a 6 year relationship outside of our triad. The four of us live together. We're pretty stable so it's possible. You gotta want it though. Do you want it?
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u/Infamous_Wing_3267 1d ago
thank you so much for your input! I really appreciate the insight, as people around me are mono or single, and I am genuinely feeling awkward needing to ask him directly the insights (although on our first date he said he is willing to share details), I don’t want to be appearing as a jealous partner.
For the liking part, i enjoy time with him, it is always the highlight of my week, but I am also not emotionally reliant on one person, i have my own career, friend circles, and passions. And I am not chasing after marriage, kids, or necessarily a definition.
It is just I want to know whether he also catches feeling for me, which from his actions he seems like to be, if not then I will cut my ties.
I am the type where if I like someone, I would wish that he is happy, which means I am ok with him having other people, as long as we still spend time together.
Would you recommend opening up about my feelings for this person and do I need to ask what he is seeking from this “relationship” (sorry I don’t want to put a definition but I cannot find other words),before i fall madly for him?
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u/Eldernerdhub 1d ago
I think someone else mentioned that this isn't an ideal situation for a first time relationship. I have to agree. It's like trying to run before learning to walk. That being said, you will have to learn to have these awkward conversations regardless. Being vulnerable and willing to negotiate the boundaries of your relationship are necessary skills for dating. Ask what he wants from this relationship if you feel it's time to ask. A lot of mono people can get away with just going with the flow because the common relationship structure is well known. With poly, it's the opposite. Getting the hang of how this works is a bit of a mystery. Common thought is that this doesn't work at all. Seeing a successful, functional poly relationship is rare if at all. You're going to have to learn to talk about everything to a much more in depth degree than monogamy. For instance, jealousy isn't taboo. You don't have to hide it but you can't just let it out uncontrolled. Anger is an uncomfortable emotion, but if you stifle it, you'll explode. Jealousy is the same.
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u/Infamous_Wing_3267 1d ago
Thank you very much for the input, I will have a more in depth conversation with him when I see him next week he has been in poly relationship for 4 years, he seemed like ok with talking about those things.
And you are very right, there is only so much I can hide and hold before I break myself. I never let myself explode on others but I do take it on myself.
So far I am not angry or necessarily jealous, I was just thinking if it is just anything I did wrongly
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u/StephenM222 1d ago
Anxiety in new relationships is normal. Doesn't matter what the relationship structure is.
You don't expect one person to be my all. I enjoy my people for who they are, as they are. I have partners that I adore and love being with. Who want to do (or not do) different things to me. So I do the things together that I share with that person, and do different things elsewhere.
This means I can enjoy their company without making myself believe that they are my perfect all.
What is long term? Mine are 5 years and 3 years? I know another person who has been in their poly relationships 7 years. How many failed monogamous relationships do you know? How many do you know that actually still like their partners?
Non monogamy, especially polyamory including dating seperately, highlight flaws in a relationship. After a too long monogamous relationship, (3 decades, which should have been 2 decades), the deliberateness of a poly structure is desirable to me. This deliberate attitude however does not provide the romantic notion (and feelings of safety) of forsaking all others till death
Those of us practising polyamory - more than one committed relationship (as opposed to just swinging or other open relationship structures ) are still in the minority. Most of the poly people I know had previous failed monogamous relationships
All of this said, that you are in a new relationship, and he is still engaging in the dating apps means he is looking to give part of his attention elsewhere.
Are you getting a meaningful relationship from him? If so, great. If not, this relationship with him may not be enough for you (and that is before he finds another partner)
If this is genuine poly, you have permission to seek additional attention. It is generally easy for a woman to find a sexual partner than it is to find an emotional one, especially an emotional non exclusive partner. Still achievable though.
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u/Infamous_Wing_3267 1d ago
Thank you so very much for the detailed input! And I feel like he is a genuine poly guy, he explained his situation before we first met, and said in his structure is allowing him to having emotional feelings for the other not just pure sexual. Glad to know that I do have the permission.
So far I would say I am getting joy out from spending time with him, and by accepting he is poly I know his attention is not all mine esp he is married with kids.
It is a matter of fact navigating what his feelings are about me, before I can allow myself fall deeper or I should cut ties
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u/idlers_dream7 1d ago
Tldr: yes, with consent and effort, everything is normal and can work just fine, just like any other relationship style.
1) yes, anxiety in all relationships is normal at all stages, forever. Not overbearing, life-ruining anxiety, but general messy human feelings that make things confusing sometimes. Considering your lack of experience, this is gonna be a real trip as a first relationship, for better or worse.
2) you're not "dealing" with it; this isn't like being a side-piece to a cheating spouse. You're just...having your own relationship with them and managing schedules accordingly. The latter part is the real challenge. In your case, somebody with a marriage and kid will typically prioritize that relationship over others to some degree but not necessarily in a way that will make you feel less important.
3) I can't claim to be motivated, but I just don't care about/for monogamy. The idea that one person could meet (or be expected to meet) all your needs is just ridiculous. Humans are already great at having multiple relationships of all kinds; polyamory levels up that skill to include sexual and romantic intimacy with many rather than capping those at one while relegating everyone else as friends or family.
4) Yes. It's like any other relationship. Some last, some don't.
Anyway, to your main point, you're supposed to have feelings for this person. That's why you're dating. Since you've never been in a relationship before, I get why it's confusing, but don't mistake your lack of experience for something wrong. The growing pains and awkwardness are real in all partnerships, and developing love for somebody is not a smooth path, but it's worth it!
Lastly, regardless of all the success stories, there are probably more failures, just like monogamy. I only say that to remind you that nobody else's success or failure means anything as it relates to your specific relationship.
Read through the sub's helpful links on the main page and just do your research here and elsewhere. There is plenty of info to help you understand how this works.
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u/Infamous_Wing_3267 23h ago
Thank you so much for the details, I will go check out the resources too🙏
I have never been really wanting mono, I dislike the idea of being attached to one person and only one, it feels so restricting, and I am not wanting kids or getting married, I got lots going on in life
If it wasnt due to unfortunate situation last year I started to feel the emotion of liking otherwise I would probably stay single forever, after cutting ties with that guy last November this poly guy became the first to bring up the feeling of “like/love”. And i am very logically aware that if i am with him i will never be his priority and i will not even try to change it or think about being his priority.
The whole purpose of this reddit post is that I want to get to know different perspectives from people with poly relationships and to help me navigate my own emotions and how i should approach the current relationship.
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u/Poly_and_RA 1d ago
This is one of those cases where there's the questions you ask -- and then there's the questions you don't ask, but that might matter more.
The biggest problem here is that you didn't really choose polyamory. Instead you fell in love with a polyamorous person, and it's your love for this person that's not making you consider whether a poly relationship could work for you.
Polyamory is a wonderful relationship structure for lots of people, and for the people that it's a good match for, there's good answers to all your questions. If I was answering these questions for myself, my answers would look like this:
- It's normal to feel some anxiety about all things that are new, and especially things that violate social norms. So yes I felt nervous about some things at first, but this faded quickly when I saw that my fears didn't happen, and instead lots of wonderful things, including some I hadn't expected happened.
- I prefer it. If the women I'm dating were to come to me tomorrow and tell me that they want to date ONLY me from now on, I'd not be happy about it -- instead I'd panic. There's no way I could manage to be everything couple-related for 3 women! I'm friends with most of my metamours and would be sad to see them go too.
- Lots of different things. But in a healthy poly relationship, feeling that there's something "wrong" or "insufficient" with the existing partner(s) won't be one of those. I don't do active dating as in TRYING to find new partners, but instead for me my strongest motivation is to be able to be genuine in all my relationships. So for example my newest partner is a woman I met thinking she was a friend. We'd hung out before and it was nice, but nothing to indicate it was more than a normal friendship. But now we basically fell into each others arms and then we just remained there. IT was a surprise to us both, but a wonderful one. The freedom to NOT have to artifically withhold affection or love that I genuinely DO FEEL, matters to me.
- Yes. It's as simple as that. On the average poly relationships are as committed and as stable as monogamous ones. Don't take it from me, we've got a pretty decent pile of scientific evidence on this. Read the chapter on "Relational outcomes" from this big meta-study for an overview of some of the data we have: https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/jftr.12546 -- For me personally too I've found this to be true. The people closest to me today have with one exception all been in my life for more than a decade. (and the last exception has been in my life for "only" about 4 years this far) -- I both hope and think we'll remain close for life. Though of course just like in monogamy, I can't know for sure that it'll work out that way.
But you're not me. And while polyamory is an awesome match for me, it might not be a good match for you.
There's not much harm in spending some time learning, exploring and experimenting. And unless your current situation feels painful to you, I think I'd recommend that.
But you shouldn't feel this MUST work for you. It's possible that even after this has become normalized to you, and even after you have a decent amount of knowledge about it, it still won't feel like it's right for you. In that case you should give up on it and not try to force yourself.
You should ask your partner questions about what kinda polyamory he's practicing. Does he want a full-blown romantic relationship with you where you're free to play a big and important part in all important parts of his life, or does he have a more hierarchical setup where the plan is to spend the vast majority of time and investment with his wife leaving only space for a much "smaller" relationship for you?
Even if polyamory *is* rigth for you, it's still a question whether you're happy with the latter. (I wouldn't be, and I *love* polyamory!)
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u/Infamous_Wing_3267 23h ago
Thank you so very much foe this detailed explanation 🙏
I am not going to make him my one and only because i am fully aware with his marriage and kids I will not be his priority, so far I just focus on the part where I enjoy our time together. I really like him but not that I am emotionally dependent on him
I feel like poly happened to happen to me because i had never be a fan of mono, i would either be single, or open/poly. I feel like mono has way too much restrictions, but for poly the drawback is to manage my own insecurity and jealousy, which from reading the above comments are normal and I should openly talk about it.
If he happens to get intimated by me liking him, or does not want to talk, I guess our relationship would not work and I would just cut ties early before falling further.
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u/Poly_and_RA 14h ago
It's not an automatic thing that marriage and kids will make you not-a-priority. But it's worth asking about. One of my girlfriends is married to someone else, and has 2 kids with him. In her case she's nevertheless prioritizing all her relationships. (but it's a bit different -- we're older and so her kids are "will be leaving for college in a few years" age)
In general in polyamory there's fewer things you can just assume, and so you should not be afraid to ask. Comfortably poly folks will be happy to answer.
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u/confusiondiffusion 1d ago
Updating a dating profile right after meeting a new person and having a new relationship is... questionable--at least in the context of polyamory specifically. It's not necessarily bad, but it isn't a great sign for stability. Dating apps are also designed to be addictive. It could be habit.
Being polyamorous doesn't imply being constantly hungry for new partners and I think continuing to try to date new people right away is a sign that he's not taking it seriously. A new relationship is a big deal and personally it takes me a few years to adjust and even consider more dating. In my polycule of 14, I'd say the average is about a year between new partners.
Maybe he's also looking for hookups or shorter term and less committed relationships, which is fine, but you should ask if that's what he wants with you. Get clarity on what he's looking for.
- Anxiety can be normal, but I expect a partner in his situation to take steps to check in and make sure you're feeling secure. My partners and metas are always looking out for each other and checking in. It's normal to know and anticipate things that make others feel insecure and to be proactive about making sure they're okay.
For example, my partner has a new girlfriend who is anxious. We both checked in with her independently. I reassured her that my partner loves her deeply and that I want them to spend lots of time together and to bond just as deeply as my partner and I. I feel that a new person entering into an older relationship really needs and deserves something like that. Now she knows for sure we're in this together, not competitors.
My partners having partners is a huge plus in my life given the particular way we do polyamory. We all really care about each other and help each other out. My partners partners are my friends, in most cases more than friends. It's a lot of fun and it adds a lot of security in all of our relationships. It's clear that we're all there for each other.
Marriage is what you make of it. My marriage is a symbol of commitment. My wife and I support each other absolutely and always. We also love other people. For me, the motivation is community and deeper connection to others than what is usually allowed in monogamous society. I also find polyamory highly enriching and it's super helpful to have other perspectives on my relationships and marriage so close personally. People say becoming poly won't fix a marriage. Well, it might if the people you're dating have a lot of experience, love both of you, and want to help improve your marriage! I know my partner and her husband have incorporated my relationship tips. That also makes them better partners for me and my wife. Everyone wins!
Yes, they can be long term and stable, but that has to be the intent.
Reading your post, I'm worried about you. A lot of people use the cover of polyamory to do very hurtful things. Being new to dating, you don't have the experience to spot the signs. I'd like to see him address the imbalance proactively and make sure you're okay. It's not a good sign that you're feeling more comfortable asking Reddit rather than asking him. His cards should be on the table and he should make you feel very comfortable about asking questions and voicing insecurity. It's still early in your relationship, so maybe that's still coming, but that's what I'd personally expect and that's what I do for any new partner coming into the picture.
Trust your feelings. Communicate your needs. If you find out this relationship isn't actually what you want, don't hang on too long. Hanging on too long, and overlooking a growing pile of red flags and pain is the standard relationship mistake. It's so easy to be blinded by the good times we're having and overlook the bad stuff.
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u/Infamous_Wing_3267 23h ago
Thank u very much for this input!
I feel is also part of me just did not communicate clearly to him about my feelings, I would use flirting to cover up how I really feel. And before this post I didn’t have a lot of insights from people practicing poly, so I felt like it is wrongful for me to put my emotions on the table making the whole situation too serious.
But I know for me personally, being exclusive aka mono would also freak me out because there are so many restrictions. Of course there r good side with mono, but with my life situation mono might not work for me, i would rather stay single.
Despite really liking him, I am not emotionally dependent on him, I am not keeping my doors closed because I met him because i fully understand with his wife and 2 kids I am not going to be his priority and i will not even try . I am also not looking for marriage and kids either.
I will talk about my feelings when I see him next, get a clear perspective what he is wanting/expecting from being with me, if I feel like it is not going to work might just cut ties. Will hurt but i got nothing to lose
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u/Tule_Lodge 19h ago
Probably just repeating a lot of what other people said, but here we go:
Is this anxiety normal?
As everyone has stated, anxiety is normal with any new relationship, but it’s different being poly. For me personally, my wife and I started as more of an open relationship, and we each had the occasional hook up. I happened to find another lady who was in an open relationship, though, and started seeing her regularly, and naturally, we fell for each other. This is where my anxiety grew… I eventually had to tell both my wife and my new lover, and it was tough, but we worked out a situation where we “dated” more seriously.How do you deal with not being someone’s only partner?
This was tough with my new lover… my wife and had an understanding, we loved each other but also wanted to explore, but with the new one… I struggled when she was with her boyfriend (now husband) it was absolutely hypocritical of me, but it’s still tough.What motivates married poly people to keep dating?
For us it’s a number of things… first, just trying to keep things fresh. At one point our sex life naturally stagnated, and we discussed this as a sort of temporary bandaid situation, which naturally worked. But then we did develop feeling for people, and as long as they’re on the same page, you can make things work. It does take a lot of effort on everyone’s behalf, and sometimes it just doesn’t work. But when it does, and everyone can commit the time properly, it can be very rewarding.Can these relationships actually be stable long-term?
I think so, yes. I ended up dating my second lover for about two years, before she decided she needed to focus on her primary relationship, which was heartbreaking for me, I genuinely loved her, but I understood and accepted her decision. But what we had for two years was really special, and I’m glad we at least had that time together. Will I be able to replicate that again? I doubt it, but that’s okay, too.
Hope that helps! It’s a tough situation to enter, especially for your first relationship, but if you play it right it can be extremely rewarding.
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u/Infamous_Wing_3267 18h ago
Thank you for this great input! I am exploring what relationships would work for me and insights are always appreciated.
I know mono is probs not the best for me because there are so many restrictions, and i quite frankly am finding it better to deal with the fact that poly has multiple relationships but i am not ok if mono is cheating.
From all the comments i think my take away lesson is to open up the conversation about how I feel and what he us seeking.
I have the right to do so🙂
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u/Tule_Lodge 18h ago
You absolutely have the right to do so, and if you and everyone involved keeps an open mind, it can work. It might be tough be the second relationship, though. If he has two to juggle, it might be tough for him, but that also may work out to your advantage. Personally I liked spending one/two nights a week with my second lover, and that was good for her, but I can maybe see that being frustrating. Or liberating.
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u/Infamous_Wing_3267 17h ago
He sees me weekly, sometimes twice a week, which is enough because i work FT 9-6, train avg 3-4 hrs a day for my sport, and also studying for CFA, and that is why I feel like mono is not going to work for me because I just don’t have that much time and energy to be fully dedicated to that one person and give him the attention.
So far our dynamics have been chill and easy, he is good at scheduling, I am just realizing that I am developing feelings so gotta figure out on the early end before things get too attached.
I will see how opening up the conversation is going to change our dynamic, maybe we can get closer or maybe we will separate, but either way I am still fully independent on my own and I will continue to explore relationships❤️
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u/Tule_Lodge 17h ago
Excellent, good to hear! And honestly if you’re that busy it may be for the best. You still get the satisfaction, but don’t need to invest all the time. At first I got that vibe from my second as well… she worked a lot and did dance and yoga and worked out. Her primary boyfriend was long distance, but still wanted a little affection. But then one thing led to another…
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u/Rude-Wealth2093 1d ago
I don’t know if you’d want this to be your first relationship experience honestly