What would you do?

[u/sleight_of_soul]

Ok, I could only pick one flare- so I selected chesting, but it's also a question... and I'm a newbie... sort-of.

I (M 38) and my wife (F 37) have been in a monogamous marriage for... almost 13 years. Almost made it there. 2 years into our marriage she cheated on me, i told her to end it, anf fix us. She said she needed time to decide on what she wanted. I gave her that time, almost 2 years is what I gave her. The he tried to force himself on her while she was sleeping once (while visiting him in another state) and I got her a ticket home- that ended that. She chose me. Then she was mourning this breakup and I tried to be kind and gentle- patient even.

But she just stipped showing my any affection. I became her roommate that just kept her warm at night and and was legally married to her. Then this past Jan, 8 years later, I found some messages on her discord that I wasnt supposed to see. I wasn't looking or snooping, she just accidentally left it up when I was trangerring files from my laptop to hers. I discovered that in 1 month, they went from flirting to... sexting.

We had this big friend-cation planned for my birthday in September. This guy was supposed to come. And there was a day planned with the friend group for laser tag and some other stuff. But I have war related PTSD, so I wasn't going to participate in that part. And what I was reading was that they were going to take advantage of the fact I wouldn't be there, so that they could sneak off together.

I was in such a state of shock when I read their messages, that I had a heart attack. Like... docs have confirmed it. But the whole time- she was telling him that I knew aboit them and it was ok. So he never asked me.

When I found out, i sent some texts to him to F off and stay the F away from me. But that was it. 2 days later they broke up. A week later, without speaking with me about it at all- they're back together and Im in a (what i saw another poster refer to as "poly under duress.") Poly relationship that i don't want to be in.

I do love my wife, i give her everything and anything she wants or asks for. From caring for her, to ohysical things, affection, doting... everything. She forgot our anniversary, and 2 days later, forgot my white chip day. 13 years being clean that wouldn't have happened without her. A day that had meant more to me than any of celebratory day, ever. Then i had surgery and while i was in the operating room being sliced and diced, she had a series of strokes!

So im willing to give some grace. But heres the thing. They're relationship is based on a lie. He thinks I knew because she never told him the truth. And they want to have a little commitment ceremony. For hime to be her 2nd husband.

I know that honestly, I should probably divorce her, just end this. And then tell him the truth.

But, i just cant. I could never leave her. I do truly love her and just want her to be happy. I think he should know the truth tho. Before he moves from the west coast all the way to the east coast, with no family or friends here. He needs to know that the reason I hate him is because she cheated on me with him. And then forced me into this relationship. I keep hearing this phrase "if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you." I kind of hope she cheats on him too, or that he cheats on her. Idk.

I jist wish she wouldnt keep doing the same routine and act like im here. If i felt like things were equal, i might feel different. She says shes still in love with me, but I dont believe her. She might love me, but in love... it died for her a long time ago, I think.

Idk... how do I get him to just go away. Or how do i tell him the truth without getting blamed and me also losing her.

You can tell me all you want to just leave her, but I wont. So don't bother with that one. Oh, and the vacation for my birthday, is just her and I now. No one else is coming. Bc theire relationship has lost us all of our friends. Literally. No one will talk to us anymore. Not even just me alone. Because they all think that He is a bad person, hateful, judging, prejudiced, and conceited... and thats the nicse things...

What would any of you do?

[u/UntilOlympiusReturns]

I....Would leave her.

I would, I hope, have left her when she took two years to sort out her affair, rather than two minutes.

I wouldn't even describe your situation as poly under duress. That's when someone reluctantly agrees to poly because their partner wants it. In your case, it just sounds like she's cheating. [Question: would she be happy with you having another partner of your own?]

You want to know what to do, but not to be told to leave her. So, I guess you could hope she stops treating you badly and lying to you. Or you could decide you don't care how much she hurts you. Neither of those sound attractive to me.

I will say: I know you love her desperately and powerfully. But that doesn't mean you need to go through pain for her sake. You can love her, and know that you shouldn't be with her. And it doesn't mean you won't feel those feelings for someone else.

[u/sleight_of_soul → u/UntilOlympiusReturns]

Thank you for asking questions, i didnt realize how mich context was missing.

So I would clarify that i wasnt asked how I felt about it, when they decided to get back together. However, i would say it was left thay I could stay with her and accept him being in her life also, or I could leave. But she doesnt want to leave me, she doesnt want to divorce, she never planned to leave me and stay with him.

She at one point thought that I was cheating on her- but thought I was happy and so she swallowed down her own hurt. When I found that out, I was able to go back and show her proof that i never led that person on, never cheated, not even emotionally, and jad in fact turned the person down when they expressed interest and then blocked them on all media.

She has said she would be ok with me having another partner, but I dont believe it for a second. I have considered testing the waters and asking her like hey im interested in someone, how do you feel about me pursuing that, just to see what she says. But, i dont know if its worth the fight

I think I also see all the things she doesn't like about her other partner, that I dont think it will last. And maybe then, we could seek some counseling and work through this. She agreed to go to therapy with me before, but then only went to 1 session. Tho I wish we would go now. Id even be fine if all 3 of us went. At least then maybe the truth could come out in a safe space for all of us.

[u/Healing-and-Happy]

Love isn’t enough to make a relationship work.

I also need honesty. Which is not what you have been receiving. If it were me, I would no longer be in that relationship.

[u/Confident_Fortune_32]

There is a rather large gap between the person you believe you love and the actual person.

The actual person has a multi-year history of lies.

Broken promises that she never intended to keep.

Saying whatever you want to hear, without the least concern for how her actions do harm.

For that matter, it's time to stop crediting any claims about break-ups.

No relationship, monogamous or poly or otherwise, can be healthy or nourishing without honest open forthright communication. That has nothing to do with relationship structure and everything to do with whether a partner is ethical in their conduct.

She is dishonest, untrustworthy, and callous.

No one deserves to be dragged along behind, against their will, getting bumped and bruised. That's not a relationship at all.

OP, you deserve to love someone who actually authentically loves you back. It's what we all deserve.

I suspect something in your last has led to tolerate the intolerable, and, worse, to romanticize it somehow. If you have access, I strongly recommend seeking a compassionate supportive therapist who can help you process what's happened to you and help you develop better tools for self-protection.

Until that happens, you will continue to be vulnerable to abuse.

And, as uncomfortable as this might be, I also recommend making an appointment for a full STI panel at your earliest convenience, and repeating it in three months.

It is simply impossible to determine what she has or has not done. Asking won't help, bc her answers aren't reliable.

So you need to protect your sexual health. Some STIs can come with serious consequences if untreated, potentially a threat to fertility and even to life.

[u/stressed_newpoly]

Tbh, it sounds like she's using poly as a cover for her cheating. And for her to want to "marry" the other guy already I mean come on now.

Don't stick around for this, you'll just become the money bags with the legal ties to her while he'll get all the relationship perks -a 3rd wheel.

She's treating you like a safety net, she keeps you along for when things get bad/end with the others.

Her forgetting 2 important dates back to back is awful. It shows how little she cares both for your relationship and you. I'm sorry you want to stay with this type of person, you could do way better.