Hello, first off sorry I’m on mobile. Second, I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for 10 years. My partner & I are both FtM, & I’ve dated other people in high school before we got together in 2016. He’s never dated anyone, I’m his first and only relationship.

We’re currently on a break because he felt he couldn’t keep pursuing his feelings for someone else without hurting me. Which is true, because currently on this break it still hurts to know he wants connection from others. He has no “obligation” to me since we are on this break and is technically single. Which hurts a lot to say.

This has been going on for about 2 months now. At first he started hanging out with his coworkers B (female, straight) & H (male, gay). H got out of a 10 year relationship as well and needed his friends/coworkers. Of course when my partner asked me if it was okay that he goes I would always say yes because those are his friends. He also has a hard time making & keeping friends so I encouraged him a lot to hang out with them. Eventually B never wanted to hang out as often so my partner & H would hang out together. At first it was that they were friends but eventually my partner would come home and talk about H in a way that raised flags of concern. But I told myself no that’s not what it is, he’s just hyper fixating right now because this is new and different.

Eventually me, my partner, & H went to hang out at his place and my partner & H talked in his room with the door closed while I was out in the living room on the futon. My partner came out to tell me they did confess they have some sort of feelings for each other but they couldn’t put a label on what it was exactly. They like the attention from each other and like holding hands and linking arms and getting pecks from each other. But they weren’t involved sexually/romantically yet. Very kindergarten stuff (my partners words). Of course when he told me I was devastated, I cried a lot. And haven’t stopped tbh. We mutually agreed that taking a break is best so we can both work through this. Last night all four of us, B, H, my partner, & I, came home from Disney for H’s birthday. H & B went home after dropping my partner and I off home.

We talked for 3 hours about the way things have been going. We’ve had multiple talks before over the last 2 months ( and a few times before about 4-5 years into our relationship) about him feeling poly and like he can love more than one person and wants emotional connection from others. He wants me to work on communication, and being okay with him being poly. He said he still loves me and wants me to be in his life but that if I want to be in a relationship with him I need to work on communicating and with him being poly. He doesn’t like that I feel as though he’s found an ethical way to leave me to be with someone else. Which I can’t help because that’s exactly how I feel. He doesn’t like feeling possessed over or jealousy. He keeps saying he doesn’t want to string me along and give me false hope but that he still loves me and doesn’t want to lose me because then if he loses everyone he has no one. I tried being okay with it at first but he wasn’t spending enough time with me still and even H told him go home and spend time with your partner. My partner would come home and spend a few hours with me and then want to go back to H’s house. It made me feel like a chore to get done. I told him this and he assured me I’m not, just that he’s trying to figure out what it is between him & H and that he needs to spend time with H in order to figure it out. But I’m still left here with no hand holding, or cuddles, or any type of closeness. So of course it hurt/s to see him do that with someone else. After 10 years he told me he feels trapped, when all I’ve ever given him is freedom to be himself. All of a sudden he feels trapped??

There’s so much we’ve talked about but this is the gist of what our conversations come to. He still loves me and feels like nothing hasn’t changed between us in terms of our relationship but we are on a break so that I can work on being okay with him being poly. And even then he said he can’t make any promises that if this thing with H doesn’t go anywhere more than friends with a little extra (cause they aren’t friends with benefits) that he can’t promise it won’t happen again with someone else. So now my question is: how do I be okay with it? He’s literally my entire world & I don’t want to lose him. But it hurts to know that someone else is going to receive the same affections that I get/got. That his attention will be divided between me and someone else. All of the things that come with being poly I’ve thought about and it shatters me to my core to think that everything we’ve experienced together in 10 years, can be done with someone else. While I just sit here and wait for my turn with his attention. The hurt is so visible in my body that people at work (we work in the same place just different departments) have noticed I look pale and depressed and that I’ve lost weight.

Sorry for the long post and thank you for reading this far. I really need advice as this came to a huge turning point last night and I really want us to work out because he’s my best friend too.

So for context my partner has 4 partners and I only have one. Usually i see my partner once or twice a week. My night with him is also a night where there are events that he hosts.
I enjoy sex and I prefer kinky sex. It just hasn’t been happening. My partner is super busy with work and has a rather new business that takes a lot of his time. So when i do get to see him he’s tired. I am not getting the time with my partner that I need. I’m happy that his business is taking off and I’m so proud of what he’s been able to do. At the same time I am frustrated because my needs aren’t getting met. I don’t know what to do or how to act. A part of me wants to ask of I can have another partner, but I know he will not like that. I know he’s getting sex once a day and for me it’s been over a week.