r/polyamory • u/Sea_Point_2019 poly w/multiple • 4h ago
Husband seeing previous toxic meta
My husband (40s) is seeing an old flame again after a long time being broken up. She is highly manipulative and toxic and collects partners like baseball cards. She’s always in our personal matters and I wish he’d date someone who’s great like some others in the past. I don’t understand the need to continue such a history. They were not even together long. Last time she was writing letters to him within weeks to a month in that they were meant for each other. She’d live bomb him. Give him gifts he wasn’t allowed to show anyone and then would control him into making him tell me how to live my own poly life and fit her in. He recently was seen around town w her and it’s disturbing because people think he’s cheating on me and I don’t say anything because he wouldn’t care anyway. We have a great relationship otherwise. I am
Lost. I have no idea what he sees in her because she isn’t nearly as nice as others. She’s very unattractive but I know it’s more about the person. I can see it all happening again: the manipulation, the narcissistic way she deals with him and the way she hurts his self esteem. Any suggestions?
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 4h ago
Parallel. Make your husband hinge so well none of her toxicity has any impact on your life.
Sit him down and say "I am deeply concerned abut you dating her again. I will not tell you not to date her but I will also not tolerate this woman sticking her nose into our relationship or the way I live my life. I don't want to hear anything about her or your relationship and if dating her again has a negative impact on me or our relationship I will be setting XYZ boundaries (up to and including breaking up with you)."
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u/Sea_Point_2019 poly w/multiple 4h ago
I like this. We are parallel which is why it makes me angrier that she sticks her nose in stuff.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 4h ago
Then he’s not doing a good job hinging. If you were truly parallel and he was a good hinge you would have no idea when she sticks her nose into your business.
Tell your husband to brush up on hinging in a parallel dynamic.
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u/The_walking_man_ 4h ago
That’s 100% on your husband for not setting boundaries and allowing her to behave like that.
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 3h ago
If you were really parallel you’d have no idea that she was doing that. Make your husband hinge properly.
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u/clairejv 4h ago
Unfortunately, the answer is just boundaries. "Husband, I have no idea why you want to date this woman, but it's your call. I expect you to keep our relationship agreements, and I don't want to hear about her."
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 4h ago
Babe you know I dislike that meta. I think she’s bad for you. So I need you to keep things strictly parallel with me.
I’m also not going to support the relationship in any way. When you’re with her I wish you good luck and that’s it.
And if people ask is he cheating on you say nope we’re poly.
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u/Sea_Point_2019 poly w/multiple 4h ago
Is it ok to say I don’t support it though? I don’t want to make him feel like he can’t talk to me if there’s a struggle. Or hide stuff . We aren’t dadt.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 4h ago
If you want him to talk to you about their relationship that is not fully parallel. Nor do I think it’s a good idea.
He’s offloading all their issues onto you and benefitting from your emotional labor and it’s enabling him to continue this toxic cycle with her.
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u/Sea_Point_2019 poly w/multiple 2h ago
It’s not that, it’s more of that I can tell when he is having a particularly emotional day or is having outburst and things like that which is not normal for him that I can ask him if everything’s OK and he can just let me know that he’s having an issue then I would be able to understand more to give him space. Rather than thinking, it’s me or my kids.
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 2h ago
Tell him it’s totally unacceptable to have an outburst with you because he’s in an unhappy relationship.
You and your kids deserve calm behavior all the time always. He doesn’t get to vent to you or in your house. And if he has an outburst at your kids leave his ass.
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u/FlyLadyBug 1h ago
Why is he outbursting at you or the kids?
That's not appropriate behavior. You and the kids deserve a calm home. Not tense home or walking on eggshells because Dad gets upset and moody from Dad trying to date toxic.
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u/sere_periquito 3h ago
He shouldn't hide anything that concerns you but he shouldn't be talking to you about her when there's a struggle, unless he is in physical danger. If he wants to date someone he knows is trouble he's gonna have to deal on his own.
There's a very insidious dynamic within polyamory; someone dates a person who is clearly toxic or not good for them in one way or another. Because this someone has an empathetic partner, they go crying to their partner every time something happens with the toxic person. The empathetic partner listens, reassures, offers different perspectives and gives advice. Thanks to empathetic partner, now the hinge feels good enough to try and improve relationship with toxic partner, until the next issue occurs... Rinse and repeat. If empathetic partner wasn't in the picture, the hinge would have burnt out from toxic partner's bullshit a long time ago, but since empathetic partner is picking up the slack and absorbing all the emotional labor, the hinge is stable enough to go for another round on the toxic carrousel.
There comes a point when supporting our partner with their toxic relationships becomes enabling. This includes listening to them go on and on about their struggles with said people. If you don't give him a soothing outlet, he'll have to face the fact that this relationship is draining, sooner rather than later. Don't be the cushion where he falls when this toxic partner pushes him. Sometimes we need the wounds to remind us why we aren't coming back. If you need to be DADT about this specific partner so you can stop enabling him? Then so be it.
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 3h ago edited 2h ago
He can’t talk to you about it because that’s what parallel means.
He is making a choice to be in a relationship you truly DON’T support. Letting him talk about it substantially would be manipulative and deceptive or just selling yourself out.
Babe, if it works for you, great. If not you’ll need to talk it over somewhere else. I’m here for you and our shared lives.
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u/Dry_Investment_2285 poly w/multiple 3h ago
DADT includes not even knowing when or if he's seeing her, which isn't done in parallel poly. You're still aware they're saying, and when he leaves the house you know it's for a date with her, he's not lying about where he's going (and he's not avoiding telling you).
But parallel poly means things like the family home isn't available for dates. You and the meta don't communicate directly. If there's an event, only one of you goes. And this means he has to pick who goes. Or, if your husband and meta are fine with all of you being at an event, it might mean you having to opt out of events to not spend time with her because a boundary is something you do, not something that requires others to do things.
Parallel also means having clear expectations as to the time you'll spend together with husband, him meeting those expectations, and having a clear idea of what you're going to do if they aren't met. How many intentional dates are you going to have a week, and does that include an expectation of no obvious texting/contacting meta during dates? (While you've stepped away to the bathroom or something should be generally fine, even during dates). What are the expectations of texting/contacting meta during default time, like when you're just sitting on the couch together? Is there a maximum amount of days available to him each week to see meta, and if so what is that? (Take into consideration any obligations like kids/chores. To remove the focus from this meta, find a number of "free nights" each of you have to see friends, family, or schedule with a meta. You each should get the same number of free nights).
At minimum, you need to remind him that you can't be his emotional support for this relationship, he needs to process with friends. You might notice he's sad, and if he says it's about her you both need to stop the conversation there. If he can't show up for your dates because of problems with her, talk about how he isn't showing up for you, don't talk about her
In terms of people thinking he's cheating, did you have agreements about what was ok in terms of interaction in public? If not, it's past time to do that. Do you have outside partners? How do you engage in public with them?
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u/Sea_Point_2019 poly w/multiple 2h ago
THANK YOU! As far as the cheating, we did have terms that we wouldn’t date close to our immediate Work communities and or where our children may go to school.
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u/Dry_Investment_2285 poly w/multiple 2h ago
If he broke an agreement on where you would date, that's different. You need to find out if he acknowledges the violation and whether he intends to now abide by the agreement. Maybe he thinks it's too restrictive of an agreement, and maybe the reasons are valid. It doesn't excuse violating first and you having to initiate the conversation about whether things should change.
You have to decide what you're going to do. If he says he broke the agreement because it's too restrictive, are you willing to revisit the agreement? If not, and if he's not willing to abide by the agreement, what are you going to do? Break up? Stop dating him but stay together on the surface? You should at least have some idea of what you're thinking, but you don't have to have it all figured out and can be open to hearing what he has to say
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u/Sea_Point_2019 poly w/multiple 2h ago
And yes, I have a partner and have had other partners we don’t live close to each other about an hour apart and so we stay around that community and where his house is
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u/FlyLadyBug 1h ago edited 25m ago
Do a basic hug and "I'm sorry that's happening. Best you talk to someone about it"
Then point him to a counselor or trusted friend.
Can't be you. You are inside the dating system, don't like her, and can't be impartial. Even a trusted friend may not be enough.
If he chases known toxic? Best he figure out why he even does that with a counselor.
Be leery of husband turning you in the emotional dumpster where he unloads all his yucky from her, and then he feels better, and goes back for a new helping. You do NOT have to be up for that.
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u/Remarkable-Ad3665 4h ago
My suggestion would be to talk about how to head off these problems. What boundaries and expectations do you need to not deal with the problems that have happened in the past?
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u/dhowjfiwka 3h ago
I'm so sorry. This happened to me, too, and it eventually completely changed the way I viewed my NP. It demonstrated that we have completely different values, and also that he didn't care enough about me to protect me from her.
If you can follow the advice to go parallel, that is best for your peace of mind. It doesn't sound like your husband is hinging appropriately if you know so much about her, so maybe enforce he's not to talk about her at all? I personally don't have the mental fortitude for that (it makes me feel to distanced from my partner) although I recognize it is the healthiest way to proceed.
That said, I'm wary for you. If she's not a fan of yours, do you think it's possible she's a cowgirl? And is your husband so much in limerence that he could be swayed by her? If so, I'd be worried about being hurt and blindsided.
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u/FlyLadyBug 1h ago edited 1h ago
I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I think this.
If it is a dealbreaker for you? Break the deal and walk away.
If him dating her again is not a deal breaker for you? You go parallel. Whatever drama or problems she brings him? All on him to deal with. You aren't dating her. He is.
Set clear expectations wiht husband. " Other than sex health basics, I expect to hear nothing about her and you to tell her nothing about me. If she brings you drama? You can expect a basic hug and "I'm sorry that is happening" but nothing past that. I don't get involved in her drama and I'm not going to super comfort you when she brings it. "
Then you just do your sex health basics. You ask/tell when you share sex with partners including husband -- "Since the last time we shared sex has there been new people or changes in risk profile? Condoms and other safer sex practices used? On my side there was..."
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My husband (40s) is seeing an old flame again after a long time being broken up. She is highly manipulative and toxic and collects partners like baseball cards. She’s always in our personal matters and I wish he’d date someone who’s great like some others in the past. I don’t understand the need to continue such a history. They were not even together long. Last time she was writing letters to him within weeks to a month in that they were meant for each other. She’d live bomb him. Give him gifts he wasn’t allowed to show anyone and then would control him into making him tell me how to live my own poly life and fit her in. He recently was seen around town w her and it’s disturbing because people think he’s cheating on me and I don’t say anything because he wouldn’t care anyway. We have a great relationship otherwise. I am
Lost. I have no idea what he sees in her because she isn’t nearly as nice as others. She’s very unattractive but I know it’s more about the person. I can see it all happening again: the manipulation, the narcissistic way she deals with him and the way she hurts his self esteem. Any suggestions?
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u/Specialist_Emu3383 4h ago
Everyone else has given you good advice here but also:
Be the sane, rational one he can vent to about all of her antics and BS. Don't give him any flak or advice, just listen with a sympathetic ear. Don't bring him any unnecessary drama of your own.
Be loving and secure in your relationship with him and he will never want to give that up. The toxic one is just a means for entertainment, he will get tired of dealing with her eventually and start to see through her manipulations and lies.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 4h ago
Be the sane, rational one he can vent to about all of her antics and BS
Um. No. OP should not have to perform emotional labor like this and it would be BAD hinging on the husband’s part.
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u/Qwenwhyfar 3h ago
Be the sane, rational one he can vent to about all of her antics and BS. Don't give him any flak or advice, just listen with a sympathetic ear. Don't bring him any unnecessary drama of your own.
I cannot agree with this advice, friend. It's healthiest for OP (and for her husband, I'd argue) that she is kept completely out of the 'BS and antics". I am absolutely a Nosy Nelly and even I know better than to let my spouse vent about the one partner of his I am completely parallel from and do not like. Her nonsense is a him problem, and will stay that way as long as they are together. I suggest OP take the same approach.
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u/Sea_Point_2019 poly w/multiple 4h ago
I like this thank you.
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u/Choice-Strawberry392 3h ago
No, this is not a good thing to like!
How does this benefit you? How is your life improved by being the trash can into which all this garbage drama gets dumped?
You can be cool, chill, easy, reasonable, and still say, "That sounds like a great problem to take to your therapist."
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