I wrote about being polyamorous in the ballroom world and the boundaries and consent conversations we're not having. Would love to know if this resonates with anyone here.

So i didnt really know anywhere else to go with my situation. Me & my husband have been together for 5 years & married for 1 yr and we just welcomed our bby girl in February. He has always talked about having more than one wife👍🏼 well i guess he started talking to someone. I was really depressed during my pregnancy & then suppered from postpartum depression, although i didnt disclose how bad it was. Well i found conversations he was having with a women. He claims they havent done anything. I guess the just talk over text…he said shes “kind of hir girlfriend.” Im upset he didnt tell me. Like to me i feel he cheated. I guess the women knows about me.

Sorry in advance, if this doesn't make a lot of sense. My mind is all over the place, english not my first language and I'm currently at work. So this piece was written over the course of 5h.

There is no one I want to talk about this. At this point in time anyway.

Me and my partner recently discussed, what it would be like to have a third person in our relationship. We've been togehter for almost 3 years now and a few months in I discoverd that I am asexual.

He's ok with it, but has stated his frustration.

Wich, I do not understand but have sympathy for.

The ting is, it was me who brought up polyamory.

Wich I do noch regret, as a naturally open person who never understood the concept of only loving one person, I would really like to try. But it feels like, that he considers it mostly, to get the phisical intimacy he won't get from me.

My feelings are really mixed.

I love him, but it sometimes feels, that I have too much love for one person.

The chances of finding a person, to be in a throuple are really low, I think. Attraction, gender, there a so many factors.

I want to date again, bitte not loose him.

For a while now, I sometimes crave a Girl friend, but I can not Imagine a live without my bf.

I'm afraid, that this is, rather the interest in polyamory, a tendency for cheating.

And what I'm afraid the most, is that he will realise, that I'm not enough.

I'm not a nice person, selfcentered, unwilling to compromise, difficult to live with, my mental health is shit. I know all that and he does too. How can someone love me?

I’ve recently started going out with this girl who is polyamorous, at first I was a bit apprehensive because although I’m not strictly monogamous myself I’ve never actually gone out or had anything with anyone who is poly, but now I’ve realised that I myself am not monogamous and I’m not as stressed about all this as I thought I’d be, we haven’t been going out for that long but we have talked about making it official some time in the near future, we really like each other and we have a great time together. she’s also seeing another person, we both know about each other (obviously) but we don’t have anything going on between the two of us only my partner and her, everything is great but this did get me wondering about polyamorous relationships long term, in the sense of marriage and living together (if that’s the case) and if/how to make it work out.
This is also my very first “relationship” and although I am very young (20F) and still have a lot of time to figure out my life and these things I do know Id like to get married when I’m older and even live with my partner.
This got me wondering about how those things would work/look like in a poly relationship especially since it’s a V shaped dynamic (I’m sorry if I’m saying it wrong I still don’t know all the terms). I know in most places it’s not legal to have more than one marriage except if it’s just on paper. So how would that work? I guess it could be the case that one of their partners doesn’t want to get married and the other does.
And about living conditions, I know some poly people have partners they live with and then partners they don’t live with but see every now and then. What would happen if more than one partner wants to live with you as the hinge but you’re not in a triad? Would it still be possible to have both partners live with you even if they don’t have a relationship between themselves?? Or would that be awkward and difficult? Honestly all I can imagine is having to choose weeks/days in which room/with who the hinge is going to sleep with.
Also I feel like (and this is only an assumption) looking into the far away future, that it would be very hard to manage kids and families.
Having a family and kids with your partner and having them leave for say a few weeks to stay with their other partners and you have to take care of everything alone. I don’t know I think I still have some deep rooted monogamous concepts from growing up Christian which makes this seem way scarier than it actually is. But right now I am VERY happy and secure, I feel way better mentally and I’m not going insane as I usually do when I try to meet/have anything with monogamous men/women.
I’m sorry this has turned into a bit of a rant but if anyone who has been practicing polyamory for long periods of time and have long term partners, live with their partner/partners or even are married and have families please share your stories and how you’ve made it work out long term, if it is possible to make it work out. Or any advice will be appreciated
Obviously I know it’ll have its ups and downs regardless, not everything can be perfect but I really like her and I’d like to make it work out.
Thank you

Im not sure where to start... my girlfriend and I are both queer. We've been together for 3 and a half years. In the very beginning i asked her about monogamy vs poly, and she let me know straight up she was monogamous. Thats been okay with me, i love her and want to build a life with her. This whole time we've been in a happy healthy relationship. There was this friend we shared though, it started out as a joke. One of her friends said she shipped the three of us or whatever. We get along great with this person who ill call P. It was a " joke' for over a year, which was just confusing. It's all felt very natural this whole time. I was fed up with the tension you could cut with a knife anytime the three of us hung out alone. I finally told my girlfriend to text them and ask them if its really just a joke or if there's actually something there. They were very honest. Anyways P has always considered themselves as a lesbian. My partner is a woman and i am a nonbinary man. (Afab) P also is asexual. I knew the dynamic would be different between each person. P told my girlfriend that they couldn't be in a romantic relationship with me, but instead it would be more of a queer platonic relationship situation. Which im fine with as im not physically attracted to P, but it did through me off a little bit, because i would describe my feelings for them as romantic. The way P described what the relationship would look like between us, to me also sounded romantic, and is what i was wanting the dynamic to be like... i guess im just confused because we have different definitions of romantic attraction. I dont know if i should tell P that or if it would freak them out. Im also not sure what the relationship between P and my girlfriend is going to look like and i am nervous. I trust boh of them, we've talked about boundaries, the conversation couldn't have gone better. I am a little nervous though. Im the type of person who needs a lot of reassurance but i have a hard time asking for it. Im worried that i might end up feeling like im competing with P for my girlfriend and i dont want that to happen. Ive never really heard about this specific dynamic anywhere and ive been looking. I guess im looking for advise or something. Maybe some kind words to make me feel less crazy. This is all still very new.

I'm in a long-term relationship that was open for over eight years. A few months ago, we had a very bad experience with a connection and decided to close the relationship. My partner confessed that he had actually felt insecure/jealous from the beginning but couldn't identify it and repressed it, reasoning that it was to allow me to explore.

Several months have passed since then, and we've talked a couple of times about how we've been feeling. I've talked about how frustrating it is to feel the need to deepen my relationship with specific individuals and then stop doing so. I understand it's a complicated process, and I'm doing it out of love for my partner. He understands, however, I no longer feel safe talking about it.

I feel like every time I talk about, I hurt him.

I can't stop feeling guilt and frustration about this. But ending the relationship isn't an option for me.

I’ve been seeing someone for a short time. I asked them how they feel about monogamy/non-monogamy on the second date. They said they’re quite monogamous, but didn’t seem closed to other ideas. I said that I think I see myself having one primary life partner, but that I’d be interested in an open relationship / having other play partners. In terms of what I ideally want for myself in the future, I’m not set on monogamy or non-monogamy. But right now, I don’t feel ready to commit to a monogamous relationship. I told them I don’t want to rush commitment. Yesterday, I told them about someone I met once (before I met them), who has asked me to meet her again, and who I want to see again, because it came up in conversation, and because even though we haven’t agreed to be exclusive yet, I want to be transparent right from the start. I said I’d give them time to think, but I get the feeling they’re not comfortable with the idea. Any tips or ideas for how I should proceed? I was thinking of talking it through with them, breaking down what they are & aren’t comfortable with and why, what their fears & expectations are. Thoughts?

Hey all,
I’m (M 40s) considering moving in with my partner (NB 30s). They spend most nights at my place, have many belongings here. We’re considering moving in together around our 2 year anniversary. I’ve only lived with one partner before in a long mono relationship. My partner hasn’t lived with a romantic partner before.

We’re non monogamous. I have another long distance partner and occasional dates with more casual folks a few times a month. My partner is Demi/ace and is in theory interested in being with other people but rarely acts on it.

Our big concern about living together is how to handle when my out of town partner is visiting or if I want to host a casual partner. We’re assuming we’d get a place where each of us has our own bedroom, but even with that hearing things would be non-ideal.

Any one have suggestions or relevant experience?

me and my partner had been through a while of a rough patch after 9ish months together and recently decided on having a 3rd person seeming as how we both feel a 3rd partner would make things interesting (in the sense of there ofc being a new person in the mix, not just for the person to make things interesting) and improve the relationship in that way. now, i’ve seen my posts on looking for advice on finding a 3rd flagged as unicorn hunting and i would appreciate any information on what that is to avoid being perceived as a terrible kind of person and by extension my partner.

edit; i’ve learnt that apparently 3 person relationships (searching for the 3rd person) are unicorn hunting and that’s apparently a harmful kind of relationship. even though i’ve seen plenty of posts saying that 3 person relationships work? any info on that would be appreciated.

further context for people who think the relationship i have with my partner is fucked still; no, it is not, we have been working on it as the rough patch has already ended. we were working on making the relationship a better one which is where the 3 person relationship comes in. as we think the relationship has gotten good enough the 3rd would be one of the steps in the right direction. i understand if this seems dumb in the long run, but hey. thanks for the info anyway, cool strangers.

further edit; it is NOT to spice up the relationship.

final edit, thank you all for your input/info. 💖

EDIT: I am a 33m , partner is a 23f to clarify

Me and my girl have been together a year , I knew her a year prior casually and we became friends

She’s amazing, incredibly supportive and genuine . She has made sacrifices for me ( and I her ) and we are at the phase of moving in together recently . We are getting serious about our future and communicate often .

Even before dating I knew how sexual she was and the fact she was very experienced in all sorts of ways that I am not . She is 23f I am 33m and she has over 100 partners , to my 30-50. She also is queer and has had sexual partners of all genders / sexual orientations / much older partners / trans /bondage and orgy situations etc .

I knew all of this going in and none of it bothers me , I actually think it’s really hot how open she is because she matches my freak more than any partner I’ve had , but I’m realizing to her that our ssx life might be relatively vanilla .

She has a lot of friends in poly relationships as well. We have been fully monogamous thru our relationship and she recently hinted ( pretty directly ) at a MFM threesome .

I should start by saying the early months were confusing for me , as she is naturally very flirtatious and provocative . I used to get blind sided by ways she would interact with people in public / events parties etc . She always understood , always admitted it was something she’s never really had to think about and she has made changes . Long story short , It was getting to the point I was starting to feel controlling
She has not crossed any lines of what I see as a “normal” committed relationship . no cheating , nothing malicious or sneaky at all . Anything inappropriate was always right in front of me , and she was always caught off guard and apologetic when it did bother me .

Recently something clicked . She is who she is , and I was aware of who she was . I was ignorant , and she’s young and I do believe she is in love with me like no other person she’s experienced this far in her life ( same with me ).

I’m worried that the expectation of a monogamous relationship may be what breaks us in the long run . I want her to be satisfied and happy and herself . She even said we will always be a package deal in any poly situation as we talked a bit more about it . I have never even breached the thought of a poly relationship , but with her it doesn’t seem like a “bad” thing to me because of how much I love her .

She had a very long roster of sexual partners before we committed , I’m not insecure about her loyalty . She chose me , after a year of knowing her causally and seeing how often she ended things with people due to their need for commitment .

How do I navigate this in my head and heart? I can’t figure out how I feel , but it’s less about her and more about me . Do I try this out , and if I can’t handle it then maybe letting her go is the right thing to do anyway so she does not have to minimize herself and her sexuality ?

Sorry I know this is terribly written . Spiralling a bit

I don’t see myself as monogamous but I’m so anxious that this isn’t actually the life my partner wants for us.
We recently reopened our relationship after a while of technically being closed. She went out to a bar near us by herself for the first time. It didn’t go as she expected and she’s been crying in the bath all morning over it. Nothing bad happened, she just didn’t get hit on by people she wanted to get hit on by kinda thing.
I reassure her that if this isn’t what she wants it’s okay but her response is “The situation as a whole isn’t that simple. I’m just struggling with my own self confidence and with my anxiety still being awful and literally being on the first day of my period yesterday I shouldn’t have gotten drunk like I did by myself, if I had others around me I would’ve been fine but I just got drunk and alone with my thoughts and that wasn’t good but that’s not in any way your fault.” But I can’t help feeling guilty. Like I’m doing something wrong.

Dear members of r/Polyamorous

I am posting to invite you to take part in a research study titled: "Towards a Therapeutic Application of Intersectional Feminist Therapy with Consensually Non-monogamous Populations". This post was approved by the moderator. This study explores how aspects of intersectional experiences and feminist theoretical concepts may be applicable to the experiences of CNM individuals and their relationships. The experiences and perspectives of individuals in this community would provide valuable insight.

You are being invited because of your valuable experiences. Individuals who are CNM, polyamorous, or who participate in a consensually non-monogamous form of relationship and are over the age of 18 are eligible to be considered for this study. There are no barriers to participation based on gender, sexual/affectional identity, or any other intersectional identity as long as the inclusion criteria are met. Participation is completely voluntary. If you have any questions about the inclusion criteria, please email me.

If you choose to participate, please email me using the details below.  will contact you with the information you provide to go over informed consent. Eligible individuals will be asked to participate in a semi-structured interview by video or phone, which is expected to be between 60 and 90 minutes long. With your permission, the interview conversation will be audio‑recorded (or text-recorded) to ensure accuracy. You will be able to decline to answer any question or stop participating at any time.

All information shared is confidential and encrypted. All names and identification will be removed from all transcribed material, and the researcher will be the only individual who will have access to raw data and identifying information. The Institutional Review Board (IRB) has approved this study, and the approval number is 2431691-1.

There are no known risks associated with participation. There is no compensation provided. Contributions to this investigation may increase the understanding of how feminist theory concepts may decrease pathologization and stigma of the community and increase areas of CNM empowerment in therapeutic spaces. These theoretical concepts include de-stigmatization, centering of the CNM/Polyam community voice and identities, rejection of binary models, and encouragement of personal authenticity and identity construction. It may also provide a foundation for CNM-friendly therapy options with further research.

If you are interested in participating in the study or if you have questions, please contact me at my encrypted email at Katherine.Kreil@my.calsouthern.edu. I would be happy to provide more details. Thank you for considering this study invitation. Your voice and experience matter, and it is important that CNM perspectives be included in psychology research and therapy. I hope you will consider sharing your perspectives.

Sincerely,

Katherine Kreil

Researcher/PhD student

California Southern University

I'm in a situation that's somewhat new to me, and that I'm partially responsible for creating, and I am hoping to get some advice from others in the community, if that's allowed.

The short version: GF has made plans to hook up with someone I'm REALLY not comfortable with. But it's kinda my fault?

The long version: GF and I started dating a few months ago, relationship is ENM/open at my suggestion. I've done the poly thing before, and it feels right for us, imo. GF has been mono her whole life and was previously in a very controlling/abuse relationship.

I've been encouraging her to have experiences outside of our relationship and explore herself. She loves the flirting and attention but has been hesitant to really pull the trigger and date or sleep with anyone. From what she's told me, she's afraid that I'll judge her for it once it actually happens and doesn't want things to change between us. I've reassured her the best I can and have continued to encourage her.

Fast forward to yesterday, and she matches some guy on Twitter. He's HOT. He's also a huge jerk, based on what what's she's shown me from their conversations. He's got some other red flags too. I'm uncomfortable with him. Most importantly, he strikes me as someone who will not respect her wishes/boundaries and won't be discreet. But also, if I'm being honest, I just don't *like* him, and the thought of them being together is unpleasant for me.

She's made plans to meet him tonight. I'm trying to decide whether to discourage this particular meet up. I'm worried that if I do so on her *very first* ENM experience, she'll go back into her shell and not trust me to me to be okay with future experiences. I also feel like objecting would make me a hypocrite b/c I've always told her that only she controls her own body and who she chooses to share herself with. I also don't want to do/say anything that's going to make her see me the way she saw her controlling ex.

Edit: Thanks for the responses. You have all given me a lot to think about. I realize now that a lot of my turmoil about this situation is based on how I view myself in her life. I've been thinking of myself as her "guide" into the ENM lifestyle, and therefore responsible for making sure sure its a good experience for her. That may or may not be how she views our relationship. Probably time for a talk.

To give an update: one of her friends knows the guy in question guy, and he is, allegedly, a literal rapist. She chose not to meet up with him after all.

I [50M] was in a serious monogamous marriage for 13 years. My, now ex-wife went hard-core Christian on me and felt I wasn't spiritual enough and disappeared one day.

These monogamous relationships are not working for me. I've been single a lot. That's not for me. I am a provider and stable. But I meet someone and ask about their thoughts on poly relationships that immediately ends the dating thing.

So how does one, myself, approach the topic of polyamorous relationships?

How does one find someone best suited for that lifestyle without getting the drink in the face? I'm at a loss. Any help is appreciated.

I’m new to polyamory and would love some book recommendations on how to do it without hurting people due to miscommunication. Or any other resources you recommend. TIA!

My girlfriend was flirting with this girl for a few months, but nothing happened. For 2 days I have had a lot of conversations with her and I think she's really beautiful and fun and I want to try to flirt with her. But I didn't tell this to my girlfriend. It's like stealing this relationship from her. How do you handle this? What should I do?

Hi there I'm 31 (m) with a 28 (f) originally together for 10 years, married for 5 years and have a 18 month old child. My wife recently found a dominant she enjoys the intimacy and kinky conversations with which I don't mind. Lately though, my wife has begun to have more argumentative starts to every if not every other morning. I've been emotionally exhausted for quite some time for many reasons and haven't felt true intimacy from her and she mainly comes to me to try to satisfy the horny cravings of the other partner.

Also the partner my wife is currently seeing won't inform their current female partner of their relationship because they don't like poly and are insecure (so in this case my wife is in the mistress role right now and it's almost reached a 3 month mark) which is a red flag on its own.

Me and my wife's intimacy was damaged before this partner also entered but we were trying to work on it and were actually developing intimacy again. She also has BPD and DIDS and seems to have attached to the new partner like an FP yet he's long distance and she's becoming overtly reliant on him and makes me feel like I'm just supposed to provide and degrades me for not even doing that enough. We have been struggling for years based off both her committed choices and a few of my own along with me carrying the majority of the weight the best I can.

I'm getting to the point I am considering divorce when I never thought I would. I'd like some perspectives on this/others view on this situation. I am not against poly but I'm against toxic poly/boundless relationships.

currently me n my partner are apart for the next two weeks so i don’t want to start any big conversations without it being face to face, but just wanted an overall/generalised insight just so i can understand a bit before having the conversation

my partner is poly and something they need whilst in a relationship is other sexual partners. neither of us are talking/sleeping with other people rn as we have decided together we want to build the foundation of our relationship before opening it up (i know this comes with conflicting opinions but this is not the point of the post). anyway. i am very new to this and i guess what i am wondering, without sounding dismissive, is why someone would want other partners. i am not against it at all i’m just genuinely curious as to reasons behind it, if there is any. i would more so understand if there was a misalignment in our libidos and kinks, as i would get my partner wanting to seek out experiences which satisfy their needs and allows them to experiment with kinks, but this is not the case and is confusing me. also was wondering if this is poly or just an open relationship as ive had conflicting opinions on that aspect too

any thoughts? thank you for reading

My boyfriend and I, after 5 years together, met a guy with whom we both connected very strongly, and we ended up starting a closed three-person relationship. For months we talked every day and built a very strong bond, but over time my boyfriend began to emotionally disconnect and see him more as a friend, although he tried to continue because there was a very strong connection between this guy and me.

A week ago we saw him again, and my boyfriend had an anxiety attack because the situation was becoming too overwhelming for him, so we decided to end the relationship. The goodbye was very hard and very emotional for all three of us.

Since then, I’ve been feeling terrible. The other guy has completely disappeared, and I can’t stop thinking about him or wanting to text him. I feel very emotionally attached, and on top of that he will soon be moving to our city. Meanwhile, although my boyfriend is an amazing person and our relationship has always been very good, I feel completely disconnected from him. I think the sexual aspect and roles, which worked very well with the other guy, affected me more than I realized.

I know that the right thing is probably to stay with my boyfriend because he’s the person I imagine my future with, but I can’t get the other guy out of my head and it makes me very sad to think everything ended this way.

Any advice? Is there anything that can be done? Ideally for me, my boyfriend would realize how much this guy brought into our lives and would want to go back to it, but…

Update: My counseling was at 2 today. My therapist heard me and my pain. She then asked if I was finished being mad at my husband and if I was ready to ask to be held. I came home, we talked, and all is good. Thank you for your kindness and wisdom.

Married almost 40 years. Started swinging in 2024. Shifted to both of us having regular solo partners in 2026 (him weekly, me once or twice a month).

Occasionally, I'd join them for FFM. One of those times, I really watched them and got extremely jealous of their closeness. It felt as if he was more focused on her needs than mine when the three of us were together.

I tried talking to him about it. Told him I was jealous, but looking to handle it in a positive way. In the end, I just couldn't deal with him being with her anymore.

I asked if he loved her; he said didn't. He realized how hurt I was and we closed our relationship, I started weekly counseling, and we seemed better.

Yesterday, something popped up that reminded me of their dates. I told him I had jealousy, but it was stupid because at this point she's just a memory and that he'll never see or talk with again. I really wanted him to hold and reassure me at that point. Of course, my insecure side only told him that I loved him, not that I needed to be held.

I'm not sure if he shut down, didn't want to say the "wrong" thing, had his own feelings, or what, but now we aren't talking.

He's extremely worried about my mental health, hence the counselor, but he doesn't seem to understand that I can't control when feelings hit. Yes, I'm working on my reaction to the feelings. And I thought talking about them was the right thing to do.

Was I wrong to share my feelings with him? Do I keep the feelings to myself? Only talk about them with the counselor?

July last year, I met this girl on Facebook and she said she was solo-poly. We’ve been deeply infatuated, but I’m not poly. The jealousy hurts a lot. I feel like I’m not enough whenever we’re not around. I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself.
She’s proud of the progress she’s made emotionally through life, and she’s told me I’m the exception\*, although I’m not entirely sure what that means since she’s still sexually active with another partner. I’ve told her my boundary is dick, but it’s ‘nonnegotiable’ as it was pre-existing dick.
I know I get emotional when I think about it and I keep trying to maintain a level head, but it always circles back to not being enough.
There are so many intricacies and nuances that make me feel love for her and her kids, but it’s a love that only feels reciprocated when we’re together 😔.
I keep asking why I do it to myself, but I do love her.. it’s just the most hurtful love I’ve ever known