New partner

[u/Yellingsquid]

Im not sure where to start... my girlfriend and I are both queer. We've been together for 3 and a half years. In the very beginning i asked her about monogamy vs poly, and she let me know straight up she was monogamous. Thats been okay with me, i love her and want to build a life with her. This whole time we've been in a happy healthy relationship. There was this friend we shared though, it started out as a joke. One of her friends said she shipped the three of us or whatever. We get along great with this person who ill call P. It was a " joke' for over a year, which was just confusing. It's all felt very natural this whole time. I was fed up with the tension you could cut with a knife anytime the three of us hung out alone. I finally told my girlfriend to text them and ask them if its really just a joke or if there's actually something there. They were very honest. Anyways P has always considered themselves as a lesbian. My partner is a woman and i am a nonbinary man. (Afab) P also is asexual. I knew the dynamic would be different between each person. P told my girlfriend that they couldn't be in a romantic relationship with me, but instead it would be more of a queer platonic relationship situation. Which im fine with as im not physically attracted to P, but it did through me off a little bit, because i would describe my feelings for them as romantic. The way P described what the relationship would look like between us, to me also sounded romantic, and is what i was wanting the dynamic to be like... i guess im just confused because we have different definitions of romantic attraction. I dont know if i should tell P that or if it would freak them out. Im also not sure what the relationship between P and my girlfriend is going to look like and i am nervous. I trust boh of them, we've talked about boundaries, the conversation couldn't have gone better. I am a little nervous though. Im the type of person who needs a lot of reassurance but i have a hard time asking for it. Im worried that i might end up feeling like im competing with P for my girlfriend and i dont want that to happen. Ive never really heard about this specific dynamic anywhere and ive been looking. I guess im looking for advise or something. Maybe some kind words to make me feel less crazy. This is all still very new.

[u/idlers_dream7]

If you're not polyamorous nor seeking polyamory, another sub will be more helpful.

Are you hoping to start practicing polyamory and each be able to autonomously have relationships with others? If not, it's not polyamory.

While your situation sounds messy and under-communicated, regardless of the dynamic, the only way to make sense is to be explicit and clear when discussing. And to have clear boundaries/expectations that you intend to uphold.

If you don't want the type of relationship they're offering, don't engage in it. If you don't know what they're offering, ask them to clarify until you do understand. Do not move forward based on assumptions - that will come back to haunt you.

[u/Yellingsquid → u/idlers_dream7]

Maybe i didn't word it right. This is not MY first polyamorous relationship, i just didnt expect to find someone that me and my girlfriend could see a future with together, but we did. The three of us did have a 5 hour discussion about boundaries and expectations. P has never been in any type of relationship, so they're not even 100% sure what it's going to look like. I was under the impression that polyamory was any relationship with more than 2 people. Tjays what this is. It's just a closed relationship between the three of us. Like i said the conversation went great. This is all just new to me.

[u/idlers_dream7 → u/Yellingsquid]

That's not what polyamory is if you're talking actual definitions; you've described polyfidelity, which is a whole other thing. On the main page of this sub is a Helpful Resources and Links. Please do the research.

[u/Yellingsquid → u/idlers_dream7]

It seems that polyfidelity falls under the polyamorous umbrella...the whole reason I joined this group was to learn about polyamory in general. Thanks for learning me a new term.

[u/UntilOlympiusReturns → u/Yellingsquid]

Polyam is multiple relationships, more than relationships with more than two people.

Like e.g. I have two girlfriends, one has a boyfriend who has two other girlfriends, my other girlfriend also has a girlfriend. That sort of thing. I may or may not meet these other people.

What you describe isn't uncommon but is generally believed to be more difficult.

[u/taucher_]

don't enter a queerplatonic relationship expecting it to be romantic anyways. if you don't understand the idea, or are unhappy with it, communicate this honestly. don't be deceptive. 

it hasn't happened to me personally but one of my partners (we are all aromantic) had a queerplatonic relationship that the partner had romantic expectations for and increasingly pushed into that direction. it was dishonest and coercive. just because you want romance doesn't mean that it's okay to assume you'll get it. and i understand that qprs can be difficult to understand for some people - don't enter one if you don't understand what you're entering.