r/polyamorous • u/No_Stranger_356 • 16d ago
Should we close our relationship?
I don’t see myself as monogamous but I’m so anxious that this isn’t actually the life my partner wants for us.
We recently reopened our relationship after a while of technically being closed. She went out to a bar near us by herself for the first time. It didn’t go as she expected and she’s been crying in the bath all morning over it. Nothing bad happened, she just didn’t get hit on by people she wanted to get hit on by kinda thing.
I reassure her that if this isn’t what she wants it’s okay but her response is “The situation as a whole isn’t that simple. I’m just struggling with my own self confidence and with my anxiety still being awful and literally being on the first day of my period yesterday I shouldn’t have gotten drunk like I did by myself, if I had others around me I would’ve been fine but I just got drunk and alone with my thoughts and that wasn’t good but that’s not in any way your fault.” But I can’t help feeling guilty. Like I’m doing something wrong.
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u/Confident_Fortune_32 16d ago
Fwiw, I recommend, before poly dating, to first seek out poly friends, to build up a supportive social circle that practices poly and can both show how healthy poly is conducted and can answer questions about how they structure their relationships. And, once they get to know you better, they might be able to introduce you to someone compatible (or advise you when a new person who seems charming and charismatic...isn't).
If you end up dating someone in that group of friends, there will have been time to get to know one another and develop trust and a sense of safety first, having had the chance to observe one another, so there are fewer surprises or disappointments.
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u/Historical-Paper-992 14d ago
This. You need community. If she’s feeling anxieties around her self-confidence (and don’t discount the impacts of shark week), a wingman or two would do her wonders. And as much as you might care or want to help, it really is better if it’s not somebody she’s partnered with. It helps to see and be around someone else who has similar wants and can share experiences and perspectives. This is all assuming she really wants to be open.
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u/Confident_Fortune_32 14d ago
Your comment reminds me about something else that I've found helpful.
My darling husband and I have been poly from the very beginning of our relationship, discussed before we had even kissed. I'd been in poly relationships for decades. He had wanted poly since he was a preteen but I was his first poly partner.
When I introduced him to my poly friends, I then stepped back and let him form his own friendships (and, later, partnerships) completely independently of me.
It was important that ppl got to know him for his own qualities, not as my new bf.
And, as much as I had to bite my tongue and resist the urge to say or do anything to help it along, it was deeply gratifying and beautiful to watch ppl come to see him as I do, and appreciate his wonderful qualities.
To happen authentically, I had to let it happen organically...
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u/Cha0tic_WiTcH_ 14d ago
I wish I had done this when first venturing into poly, I think it would have been a lot easier on both my husband and myself. Not only for support but just generally dipping your toes into something new.
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u/theaftercarebear 15d ago
I have been where your partner is right now and it’s not at all fun. It’s disheartening to put yourself out there and see no benefit from it.
Based on reading your partner’s texts, I’d say they are very disappointed at the prospects at the moment. I would tend to agree with u/Confident_fortune_32 and go at this from a different angle. Build community first, which also fosters connections and could provide suitable opportunities for partners.
I’m demisexual, so when I am looking for potential partners, I do my best to connect with a prospective partner on a real and emotional/intellectual level before anything more happens. This also helps to weed out those that are not fitting the bill.
As for closing your relationship, that’s a call that the two of you should make together after a deep discussion around wants and needs to feel loved, safe and secure. If those things aren’t met, poly’s likely going to be a problem sooner or later.
Just one Enby’s opinion, so feel fee to take it for what it’s worth.
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u/Confident_Fortune_32 14d ago
As a (mostly) demisexual myself, building community first is critical.
Part of building trust, for me, is seeing how someone treats ppl who have nothing they want, how they handle themselves when something doesn't go their way, and how they decide what to do when the right thing to do isn't obvious.
And, of course, letting other ppl observe me as well.
P. S. I feel like I must have set some kind of demisexual Olympic record, bc I was friends with my darling husband for twenty years before our first date 🤣
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u/theaftercarebear 13d ago
Wow. That’s amazing. At least you two really knew one another well before you married.
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u/Confident_Fortune_32 13d ago
I was a little embarrassed that I didn't see what was right in front of me all that time. I actually apologized to his parents, and promised to never underestimate him again (made him blush, which was adorable)
We didn't have to bother with the "getting to know you" stage and went straight to the "old married couple" stage lol
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u/theaftercarebear 13d ago
Sometimes that happens in a much shorter time frame. That said, it’s not a bad thing to wait sometimes either.
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u/Educational_Tea3627 15d ago
Imagine being able to open relationship let alone have a relationship and how can you just be poly
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u/Ouch-slag 16d ago
I think you need to listen to her and what her actual concerns and insecurities are because she is communicating them quite explicitly. I understand you care but the jumping to conclusions based on your own feelings and assumptions means you’re not hearing the feelings she is conveying to you.