How to discuss expectations with new partner?

[u/Old_Item_4534]

I’ve been seeing someone for a short time. I asked them how they feel about monogamy/non-monogamy on the second date. They said they’re quite monogamous, but didn’t seem closed to other ideas. I said that I think I see myself having one primary life partner, but that I’d be interested in an open relationship / having other play partners. In terms of what I ideally want for myself in the future, I’m not set on monogamy or non-monogamy. But right now, I don’t feel ready to commit to a monogamous relationship. I told them I don’t want to rush commitment. Yesterday, I told them about someone I met once (before I met them), who has asked me to meet her again, and who I want to see again, because it came up in conversation, and because even though we haven’t agreed to be exclusive yet, I want to be transparent right from the start. I said I’d give them time to think, but I get the feeling they’re not comfortable with the idea. Any tips or ideas for how I should proceed? I was thinking of talking it through with them, breaking down what they are & aren’t comfortable with and why, what their fears & expectations are. Thoughts?

[u/idlers_dream7]

This person doesn't want ENM, why are you still pursuing them? Your description of what you think you could do sounds coercive, even if you don't mean it to be. If I said I didn't like something and the person I told that do decided they should sit me down and address what I don't like as if it's something to be fixed, I'd be out immediately.

The only tip is to stop pursuing this person. At most, be a friend and accept that they're monogamous.

[u/Old_Item_4534 → u/idlers_dream7]

Yeah, I see where you’re coming from. If they straight-up told me they’re not interested in ENM, I wouldn’t see the need to discuss it further. But at the moment it doesn’t seem to be that black-and-white. Even if we were only looking at monogamy, I’d still like to discuss what monogamy means to them, because people have different boundaries. I just want to make sure we’re on the same page

[u/idlers_dream7 → u/Old_Item_4534]

If I told somebody I was "quite monogamous" that would not be an invitation to be converted.

If you insist, ask "I want to make sure we're on the same page, what does monogamy mean to you?"

ETA: your description of what you want doesn't sound like polyamory, btw. You might find more apt support on other ENM subs.

[u/Old_Item_4534 → u/idlers_dream7]

Yes I agree, I don’t identify as polyamorous so maybe this wasn’t the right sub to ask aha

[u/Platterpussy]

If you don't want monogamy you really should be looking for partners who have the same goal. People who prefer monogamy are unlikely to come around to your way of thinking later. Bring it up before the first date to avoid wasting everyone's time.

[u/Old_Item_4534 → u/Platterpussy]

I think I definitely would’ve approached it that way if I considered myself poly, or strictly non-monogamous. But as I said, I’m not set on one or the other, so it doesn’t feel like a waste of time for me to date people who lean towards monogamy. I can see myself in a monogamous relationship. I just don’t feel ready to commit to that right now with them.

[u/Confident_Fortune_32]

For starters, it should be discussed before the first date, not on the second date. My darling husband and I discussed this before we even kissed. Otherwise, it's a "bait and switch" experience for the other person.

In general, don't date monogamous ppl.

All too often, when there is attraction or chemistry, ppl will be tempted to say they can tolerate something they don't actually want, in order to be with someone, bc they're in that heady bubbly exciting stage of falling for someone.

Date ppl who have already chosen some form of Ethical Non-Monogamy for themselves, for their own happiness and fulfillment, regardless of whom they are dating.

Don't try to convince a monogamous person to be open minded. That borders on coercion.

Poly, or any of the forms of Ethical Non-Monogamy, require, as a foundation, open honest frequent and forthright communication. Without that, it's inevitable that someone will get hurt.

Unfortunately, communication and negotiation skills aren't taught. We rarely learn them at home. And they certainly aren't taught in school. I recommend reading up on these topics, and/or pursuing them in therapy. A therapist can be an excellent guide for these subjects, since it's their primary tool professionally.

Also, my usual advice for ppl starting out is, before looking for ppl to date, first seek poly friends. Build community and create a support network. It gives you the opportunity to see healthy poly in action, lets you talk with ppl about how they conduct their relationships, and, as they get to know you, they may be able to introduce you to someone compatible.

[u/betothejoy]

Discussing expectations is a good idea.

[u/Euphoric_Grass_427]

Continue to live your life and expect that they decide you aren't compatible and move on.