Vent

[u/Naydes]

I'm in a long-term relationship that was open for over eight years. A few months ago, we had a very bad experience with a connection and decided to close the relationship. My partner confessed that he had actually felt insecure/jealous from the beginning but couldn't identify it and repressed it, reasoning that it was to allow me to explore.

Several months have passed since then, and we've talked a couple of times about how we've been feeling. I've talked about how frustrating it is to feel the need to deepen my relationship with specific individuals and then stop doing so. I understand it's a complicated process, and I'm doing it out of love for my partner. He understands, however, I no longer feel safe talking about it.

I feel like every time I talk about, I hurt him.

I can't stop feeling guilt and frustration about this. But ending the relationship isn't an option for me.

[u/idlers_dream7]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's beyond painful to learn that you and your partner may no longer be compatible. Food for thought: keeping the general peace (assimilating into a dynamic you don't want for the sake somebody else's comfort) at the expense of your own isn't good.

[u/Naydes → u/idlers_dream7]

It hurts me a lot to think that maybe that's for the best.. 😞

[u/taucher_ → u/Naydes]

the best for whom though?

[u/idlers_dream7 → u/Naydes]

You already have this dynamic with your partner and you can see how it worked out. I'm sad reading that you think behaving the same way your partner did will be best. But to be fair I don't know shit about you or your life, so if living a lie is what's best, I hope that the circumstances influencing that decision change one day so both of your needs are met without unhealthy compromises; you both deserve to be happy and authentic.

[u/Naydes → u/idlers_dream7]

Wow, I don't know how to take this anymore. I guess thanks for those last good wishes.

[u/Polyamorouspotato]

People aren’t toys to be played with and then put down. This is hurtful to your other partners and you shouldn’t open again if you have a rule that if your partner says to close you close. It’s not fair to others.

[u/Naydes → u/Polyamorouspotato]

I literally said I feel insecure and guilty for even thinking about wanting to do it. Am I really that awful for that?

[u/Polyamorouspotato → u/Naydes]

Whether you’re awful or not isn’t my business. It is really not cool that you don’t tell your partner no when they tell you to close. If you cannot do the work (or your partner can’t) then remain closed so you don’t hurt people’s feelings imo.

[u/taucher_ → u/Polyamorouspotato]

that sounds like victim blaming. op doesn't feel safe disagreeing, and op's needs are being discarded. it's quite possible that the partner wanting monogamy is abusive. being broken up with sucks but you know what sucks more? being forced to break up by a controlling partner. op deserves a good faith interpretation of their situation rather than being antagonized when we don't know the whole story.

[u/The_Leviathan04]

I'm not really clear on what the situation is here

Are you closing these relationships b/c your parter doesn't want you to pursue them?

Or are you closing them for some other reason?

[u/Naydes → u/The_Leviathan04]

I had a greater depth intimacy with specific close friends. Due to a bad experience in a relationship outside of them, my partner expressed their true feelings about having an open relationship. It is because of this that we decided to close it and be in a monogamous relationship.

I also spoke with my friends, they understand and agree