So I guess as the title said i need some advice.

Me and my girlfriend were dating for nearly a year now, and lately she wanted to also start dating a friend of mine, and i told her respectufully that I would not want that type of relationship when she first asked about opening up the relationship to also include my friend and proceeded to have a breakdown on me and i was forced to allow her. But now im feeling sick, sad and my hands are trembling. Any advice would be useful. Thanks im advance

Connections :

My BF and GF are husband and wife.

Lore: We've been together for 3 years. I recently moved in to study local to them and have my own room. They share a room. GF and I haven't had sex in a little over a year due to stress and medical diagnosis' that she's still getting to grips with. I'm autistic.

I get really anxious when I hear my partners have sex together. I have no problems with listening to porn or hearing my own sex noises.

I don't have any resentment about the 2 of them having sex, I like the fact that they have sex together. But I get the most horrific ball of anxiety my the pit of my stomach whenever they do.

I asked if they could give me a little heads up before they get down and dirty just so I can mentally prepare myself and not have a weird freak out but my gf got... annoyed?... irritated? (I'm not entirely sure, but she seemed unhappy). She said that she didn't want to have to tell me when she has sex with her husband as they do it so infrequently anyway and it feels weird to have to tell me.

Something that I haven't brought up with her is that she asks that her husband (my bf) tell her whenever he and I have sex, yet she never asked me if I was ok with it.

Is there anyway I can get over this? Does anyone have any coping mechanisms they can recommend?

hi, new poly person here. it took me a while to come to terms with my identity, and i still somewhat identify with the demi-amorous idea of, i'd be happy both with and without poly. i have had a poly partner (t4t relationship so pls don't read if you're weird) of 5 years who is going long distance soon, and this past week was a trial with them away. in my worst moment after they told me about a threesome (that i totally knew about and gave my blessing), i expressed serious doubts about how we're going to make poly work over long distance after reading some stupid reddit posts (the irony) about how with the time concern polyamory already is, adding long distance requires extra time committed to your partner. in this worst worst moment, i said that i was stupidly thinking about how they could do monogamy for two years for us to be poly afterwards forever and they have now halted nearly all conversation with me. i know i hurt them, what i said was wrong and i emphasized that on the same call, but they said they don't know how to trust that i am truly poly and okay with them being with others. so now i ignorantly have to ask, how do i do this? how do i prove to not only them hopefully before all hope is lost, but to myself that i am who i say i am? this partner is the same person who has, in their worst moments, called themselves cisgender and a pretender and begged me to break up with them. i truly truly believe we make ourselves better by growing together, and if the distance has grown too much, we at least should talk about that before going cold turkey?

for disclaimer, i am also attending CODA meetings now bc i know that i am falling at a rapid speed into codependency on this person knowing that they're leaving, it's part of the reason why i tried to control them in such an awful way but i know that that is not who i am. please only offer advice if you can be sympathetic for someone who is learning not only how to love for the first time, but how to continue loving after this if things turn out for the worst.

Hi all! Long post incoming, throwaway account.

So I’ve (F23, lesbian) been seeing this girl (F25, bisexual) for about a month and a half now. It started off pretty casually, we were friends for about a year who turned into something more recently. I care an awful lot about her and have conveyed that care in as many ways as I can express nonverbally.

I have a deep fear of rejection so I’ve been putting off having the “what are we” conversation with her. We finally had it two nights ago while we were both drunk wherein she told me she cares a lot about me and wants to continue where we’ve been going in getting to know each other and remaining close and intimate. She also stated she can’t offer me commitment at the moment but hasn’t been seeing anyone else romantically.

This is where my questions arise. After our conversation two nights ago we had an extremely productive sober conversation last night. She acknowledged that she brought it up at a bad time and fucked up there. But she restated that she can’t offer me labeled commitment quite yet. And that she cannot be sexually monogamous, but has and could be romantically monogamous. I have a very low libido and would be happy with sex once a month, if that. I’m also pretty monogamous but I’m open to trying new things and have never really been in a long term committed relationship. She stated she wants to keep building on what we’ve worked on and that she loves me. As a friend but also as more than that. I love her as well, and I could see this arrangement working well for us. I’m open and willing to try.

I guess at the moment I’m at a place of looking for evidence of this kind of relationship working. Especially as queer women. I care deeply for her and want to be with her, but I also know the romantic and fantasy side of me can get carried away.

We aren’t labeled yet, and the label matters less to me than clear, open communication and trust. She can’t offer me labeled commitment yet but she is willing to give me everything I’ve asked for so far. Which is basically a heads up re her having sex with mutual friends, and not involving anyone else in her life romantically. I feel safe in sharing my discomforts and potential issues with her. My gut feeling is to give her a chance and see where this goes.

TLDR; Mono lesbian pursuing ENM bisexual woman and growing towards something more than situationship/FWB. Am I out of my depth? Is it realistic to keep pursuing this? Should I cut my losses and run? Does anyone have personal experience pursuing this dynamic? LMK! Willing to answer any follow up questions.

Hi everyone,I am Cole (18M) :)

and I have recently realized that I am deeply craving a polyamorous relationship.

I genuinely want to experience having more than one partner, but I am feeling completely stuck on how to make this happen.

My biggest hurdle right now is that I really struggle to keep conversations going.

I get nervous, small talk feels awkward, and I don't know how to transition from chatting to actually dating.

I would love some realistic advice from experienced polyamorous folks:

-Where do you actually meet people? Are there specific apps or real-life events that work best?

-How do you keep conversations engaging when you are naturally shy or bad at small talk?

-For those who have multiple partners, how did you navigate finding them when starting out?

Any advice, book recommendations, or tips on how to put myself out there would be incredibly appreciated. Thank you!

Hi everyone! Cross-posting this from r/polyamory as I really do need some advice here. My girlfriend (F23) and I (F30) have been dating for about six months. Last night, we attended a friend's birthday party and had loose plans to share a car back to our neighborhood along with a few other friends.

At one point in the night, she began talking to another person at this event and ultimately decided she wanted to go home with them, which she didn't express until we were all outside about to call cars. This really caught me off guard and hurt me, especially as it came out of nowhere. We're also going through a bit of a rough patch in our relationship, which made this particularly hard for me. I panicked and told her I would break up with her if she went back to hook up with this new person. It was an inappropriate, mean and manipulative thing to say. I immediately walked it back and have profusely apologized since.

I still love her so so so much and really want to make this work in a healthy way. I want her to be able to explore and engage in new relationships, especially as she is so much younger than me, but at the same time, our age gap [edit: and my struggles with being with abusive partners in the past and Moral OCD which makes me feel like anything I do that isn't entirely selfless is evil and abusive] makes it hard for me to set boundaries without feeling like I'm being manipulative. I also am afraid that I'm going to be replaced, even though I know that isn't true and she's said such. I think these feelings, ones that are also fueling the underlying conflict at hand, are coming from the fact that I am struggling to set boundaries because I want her to feel like she can really explore and enjoy and that asking for any kind of security is somehow going to be manipulative or coercive.

What is a reasonable, fair boundary that could be set here to prevent this from happening in the future? I'm currently outlining a list of boundaries that I am setting for myself and feel like if she's willing to, I'd like to make this an agreement:

I will set clear expectations about whether or not we will go home together (including travel) after an event. If anything seems as though it may change, we will, if possible, have a brief conversation about said change in plans.

Is this too controlling? I'll include the rest of the list in the comments, its based on a really good thread from ths subreddit (https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/jzk6mJxB0A) but I want to know what ya'll think.

thx < 3

Hi Folks,

My wife and I have been married for 14 years and Poly for 8 years.

The majority of that time my wife has had a BF and I have had occasional/long distance partners.

Since COVID times her libido has really fallen off of a cliff, while mine has remained high as ever. For years this caused strife in our relationship because sex was an important part of our relationship and to me feeling secure in my “primary” relationship. We’ve been to couples counseling, sorted through other issues I won’t get into here, but it basically all boils down to. If she doesn’t want to have sex very often, that’s her right, and since we are Poly, I could go elsewhere anyway. As I processed this point of view, I came to terms with it and learned that I did need to keep my sexual appetite in check around my wife so she didn’t feel pressured.

During these same post-COVID years, my wife has descended into a state of depression, self-loathing and body dysmorphia. She is a beautiful, sexy, plus sized woman, but she insists she is ugly and undesirable. She has even given to covering and moving mirrors around the house so she doesn’t see herself. This led to an acceleration towards a dead bedroom between us. All of this, plus other issues in our relationship, and negative things that have happened between us make me feel less and less like wanting to have sex with her. For example, she is chronically ill, and always injured from something or another so I am always in a caretaking role. She also doesn’t do any house work, so I am in charge of all household cleaning and tasks. She is also unemployed and plays video games from 4pm-2am almost everyday. Her desire to interact with me is pretty minimal. She has stopped showing up to events that are important to my career or friends.

In the last two years, I’ve started to connect with more and more casual and committed partners. Which is great for my individual sex life! Yay! I’m really feeling fulfillment and passion from these other partners in my life. My wife is still with her committed BF and they have a sex life (although how active I don’t really know). In the last 24 months, my wife has initiated sex three times and two of which I had trouble getting an erection. (I have no trouble at all with other partners, but I didn’t tell my wife that). In these instances my wife gets really mad at me for not performing, and shuts down the interaction with an angry fight. So naturally this just leads to more anxiety for the next time… In my own mind, I’ve been feeling like the love for my wife has morphed into something like the love for a child or best friend not a passionate sexual partner. So because of all of these reasons, I feel that my brain has just removed my wife from a sexy play to a platonic love kind of place. After all, she’s told me for many years now that she’s not sexy and I shouldn’t touch her, so after so much of that, I think my brain just said “ok, cool. Message received.”

In the last year specifically, I’ve noticed my own sex drive dropping a bit either because of age or just getting burned out on the Poly dating scene. So I have been content with my partners and the relationship I have with my wife.

However, last week she initiated sex with me and I wanted to oblige because it almost never happens and I love her and want to be intimate with her. Foreplay was going ok, but before we could have penetrative sex, I lost my erection again. When she started to get really frustrated with me I started to gaslight her like I have in the past: “I’m just tired” or “you are very harsh when you are giving me feedback during foreplay”. Which then she got angry and started accusing me of “making her body all about me because I can’t get hard” etc. so after a minute of hearing how hurt she was I felt that gaslighting her that she was doing something wrong or communicating poorly with me was dishonest and hurting her feelings.

So I came clean. “Yes, I have been lying to you to save your feelings. I have been having trouble feeling sexually attracted to you. You are a good communicator and I’ve been making excuses for my self like it’s other things, but I want to be honest with you and move forward from there”. She was stunned for a few minutes. I told her that I think she is “objectively beautiful and I love her “ and she cut me off and said “don’t try to make the most devastating thing you can possibly say better”. So then she stormed off and didn’t talk to me for two days. When I had to help her with another medical emergency, I held her in my arms and said that I love her and she told me “I don’t know if that is true” 😳 💔

That’s probably the most hurtful thing she can say to me after 14 years of marriage, and caretaking, picking up her pieces, being her advocate, daily gopher, waiting on her hand and foot around the house… if that’s her way of hurting me back…I guess she was successful.

Anyway, now I’m devastated that I just killed my marriage trying to do the honest thing by not gaslighting my wife. But I’m worried that now that the “act” is off she will push even further from me. I’ve been apologizing to her for my words really messing her up. I stress that I love her and want to figure out how to reignite our spark, but she doesn’t want to hear it right now. I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I tried to protect her, but instead I ended up hurting her twice first by gaslighting and making excuses and then by devastating her self esteem… 😢

Where do I go from here?

I 23M am relatively new to the whole poly lifestyle. My partner is the one who was originally poly when I met them and since I am both curious on any potential advice that this group can give me.

Here is some context.

We are very open to one another, honestly being the key we both agree on when it comes to this. We are based in NYC and I have only really been in monogamous relationships. I just want to know any advice such as how to approach the topic of being poly when entering the "dating market", ways to help with time management, to maybe even job recommendations to help keep things afloat.

Any and all advice is welcomed.

Hello everyone...I'm hoping that cross posting will help me get more advice and guidance on my situation

I (29f) and my partner (29f) have about 9 years of history. We've been together the last 4 years and was supposed to get married in October. Back in March of this year we had a big bad break up. We've recently been talking again and trying to fix our friendship. She spent the night with me Friday and dumped some heavy news on me. For bavk story, about a year ago our mutual best friend admitted she had been in live with my partner all this time. I felt so betrayed and ended the friendship. Fast forward to now, my partner tells me she's in love with both of us and wants to be with both of us and tells me shes been in love with our friend all tbis time as well. I feel so betrayed...and emotionally cheated on. And I asked her how she could ever expect me to be okay with this. But she wants it to work so badly and wants to prove to me she can be a better partner. I am so lost right now...I dont know what to do. I have very strong negative feelings about my ex best friend and she wants us to make up because she "needs us both". I just feel like I am not enough? Even though I e done everything in my power to support her and love her through all her struggles. Please give advice!

Me Burke, gf Jane, her bf Ernie

I have been seeing Jane since she was in an open marriage with her husband 3 years ago. She was always very open with him about the situation, told him every time we would see each other. But her husband always came first, and I was respectful and understanding of this. Fast forward to today 3 years later, she’s in the process of divorce with her husband (the divorce has nothing to do with me). She has been seeing Ernie for about a year.

Everything was going fine. She would see me the majority of the time, and see Ernie when she could. He lives further away so they’d try to plan to see each other when they could. I would see her on Saturdays or Sundays.

The problems arose when we would do things with the 3 of us. She would always put him first, and almost act like she was ashamed to be seen with me. Mind you, she didn’t act like this unless Ernie was around.

The biggest incident of this was when we saw Jane perform. I got to the entrance first and waited. Ernie came a little after me. When they opened the doors, people who showed up after me were going in, and I wanted to make sure we got in early so we could get the seats that Jane wanted us to get. So I went in front to get it and motioned to Ernie to come with me, but he didn’t. So I went in ahead. When I got to Jane, she didn’t even seem happy to see me as she usually does. But I understood she was nervous. Instead of greeting me in anyway, she just asks where Ernie is. I tell her that he’s right outside and will be in soon. She didn’t kiss me, I just kissed the side of her head. Then Ernie walks in, she goes up and kisses him instantly, in front of me. She doesn’t kiss me once during this whole event, she kisses him a few times. Days later, I mention this to her. She’s very apologetic and sad and surprised. She didn’t realize. But that’s the problem for me, she didn’t realize. Ever since things started getting serious with Ernie, she’s been constantly worried about losing him. I’m patient and by nature try to make sure people have to worry about things as little as possible, so I reassure her that it’s fine and I understand that she has to make him feel reassured. Ernie has a lot of anxiety about doing the wrong thing and messing things up with Jane.

Because of her constantly putting me second, I suggest she make him her primary. I didn’t do this because of her actions, but because her actions are clearly stemming from her caring and wanting him more than me. Since then, Jane has been communicating with me less and less. this has been hard for me, partly because I miss talking to her constantly, and partly because I’ve realized I have codependency issues that I’m working on now. And I acknowledge that I didn’t communicate my issues with her properly and made her feel bad, even though that wasn’t my intent.

I’ve tried to talk to her about these things, and she would shutdown and say she can’t talk about things. I think this is partly my fault for not being a good communicator. I really tried using the right words, but it seems I say the wrong thing and she stops talking. And I can understand her getting overwhelmed, so I say ok. I wait, and let her come to me when she is able to. Months, and she doesn’t come to me to talk about anything deep. And I can’t bring anything up because she’ll shut down and be upset at me if I try.

Recently, the 3 of us we were at a party together. She was clearly overwhelmed but no matter how many times I asked her if she was ok, she would tell me she’s fine. And then proceed to talk to Ernie about what is going on. Ernie suggested Jane and I sit next to each other on the couch for a while, and she wouldn’t lay with me. I lay there caressing her and she acted like she didn’t want me anywhere near her (she later said that’s not the case). Then after a while I asked if I should switch with Ernie to her, and she said “sure” (that exact word). I did, and she immediately cuddled with him. Again, it’s not so much the things that are going on, but that she won’t even communicate with me and I’m constantly left in the dark.

Now she’s been talking about having baby fever, and it seems she’s been talking to Ernie about a future and family with him. She’s had a procedure so she couldn’t accidentally get pregnant. She’s always said she doesn’t want to have babies. Ernie has been talking to her since before she’s wanted one, about how he wants children with her. And now, apparently she does. She says he’s made his intent clear, so she sees that future with him and not me. But I haven’t even had a chance to talk to her about these things. And since then, I’ve imagined what our daughter would look like. I mention this to Jane and she says she hasn’t put much thought into what our daughter would look like. She’s only been thinking about those things in terms of Ernie. She’s likely moving in with him at the end of the year.

I will note, she’s been constantly struggling with this. She didn’t want to communicate to me about her taking to Ernie about a baby and future because she was afraid I would get angry and breakup with her. Even though I’ve never been angry about her communicating anything with me. I’ve only been upset about the lack of communication. She’s struggling with trying to make sure everyone feels needed, but clearly she cares more about Ernie.

So she doesn’t see a future with me, even though she loves me and doesn’t want to let me go, and I love her more than anything. But also, she’s never put me first, and I don’t think it’s reasonable to think she ever will.

What should we do?

We are all in a polycule and have been together for almost a year now. Things were fine in the first three months until (34F) who we will refer to as M changed. She started lashing (32F) who will refer to as P. Things between me and P have been perfect. Not a single issue. M changed and started thinking P was trying to break everyone up, only focusing on me and loving me, showing affection, etc. This has gone on for months now. It has been almost a year of this. P wonders if M even loves them, I wonder too, but every time we sit down to talk about it they apologize and say they will do better. They haven't. They only now started to try, do better, not thinking P is a toxic manipulator trying to break us all up. The issue is they just seem to forget P exists. They will say I love you and goodnight, the whole nine yards to me but forget what seems like purposely to say it to P. They don't say it more often then they do and I feel like im crazy for noticing that. Why wouldn't they just be kind if they cared and loved P?

Yet they keep forgetting about them, they will say goodnight to me and just flat out not say it or I love you to P. P is a complete sweetheart and has been through a lot and I have helped them through so much. It has been a struggle, the belittling and bullying, the constant fears of thinking everything will be broken up because of one person. M is pretty obsessed with me and I feel like that is also the problem. I've spoken to them so much about it. They finally had what I thought was a moment a realization but it seems like it just keeps happening.

P is close to wanting to leave M. I am too. We love them truly but are close to having a break from them to let them have time to grow, mature, and be a better person. I don't know if we should though. They have been trying in little ways, they have been doing better, its still better then things used to be. They see P different and have stayed consistent with not thinking P is trying to break everyone up. We still want them in our lives. We care about them deeply in spite of everything.

I worry that this is just how they are. The thing is they were there for us when we needed it most. They saved me from a abusive ex boyfriend and I'm so much happier now and my life is so much better because of them and P. They were their for P and found them when they were abandoned. They were there for us at our lowest moment, but I know that doesn't excuse almost a year of this. We see the old them in there. how sweet they can be. how they can care. I'm scared I might lose them, and it will be because they pushed us away. I have tried and tried to talk with them. Today something bad happened and it hurt a lot, I cant go into details, it hurts to talk about but it shattered the person. They cried their soul out about it and it was because M hurt them emotionally. It made me realize they might not change and P thinks the same. Its sad, scary, and not fucking fair because P is not asking for a lot. They just want to hear a good morning, I love you, how's your day, and a goodnight. simple honest care and love. Nothing crazy. I know they are obsessed with the idea of a BDSM relationship dynamic if that adds anything or helps with advice or insights.

We could use any advice. Whether to stay and work on things, a insight into the situation, to take a break and work on things at a distance, or even if we are just overreacting, really ill accept any real advice because we don't want to lose M. we have tried all the obvious stuff.

TLDR: Three woman in a polycule and one of them is being unloving and down right toxic, but they were such a good person and saved us from some terrible lives where we needed someone to shake us awake and show us we could be happier.

So I am in a trouble/triad. It's myself {F31}, my husband {M34}, and our girlfriend/wifey {also F31}; it happened fairly organically (connected of FetLife and met in person to see about chemistry but at least to be friends since we lived in the same town).

She works from home, he has his own business he runs from home, and I have a part time job. Originally, she worked into the evening, and I applied for a job with hours that would only have me out of the house for like 2 hours after she gets off. She got her hours changed the day after I accepted my position to now getting off 30 mins before my shift starts and I have to drive 50 mins to get there. Apparently she had put in to get her hours changed like two weeks prior to my acceptance but never told me.

So with my job taking me away from the house, and my sleep schedule being slightly different from theirs, him and her definitely get plenty of time together where they can do whatever they want.

But apparently I have to schedule any time I want intimacy with my husband. GF will literally make it so she can walk away from her computer and RUN to the room she hears me moaning in (I try very hard to be quiet cuz she also deals with phone calls).

If we stop when she comes in the room she gets upset cuz she thinks we don't want her in the room and don't find her attractive (I don't understand how when we are all over her when she isn't working). Then let's not talk about how insecure I got when she was implying they fucked while I was gone but he said they just made out and cuddled (I wouldn't care about them fucking but I don't like the two different stories shit cuz it makes me feel like they are sneaking behind my back)

It has gotten to the point I am loosing sleep trying to satisfy my needs alone in the living room til 4am and still not achieve said release. It's been over a month, and that was when she was house sitting for family.

I'm at my wits ends and just want to give up. My self depreciation is telling me that I don't deserve it, and my therapist (who is NOT really familiar with poly, but is the only therapist I can afford atm) says to schedule times.... Is that really the only solution? I want to set boundaries but every boundary I come up with in my head just sounds like a rule or so specific it's absurd.

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I am a nice bisexual lady who primarily dates women. Its always been a small pool. Having a male partner makes that even more so. I have noticed a huge dip in the number of matches I get. If feels like I hit 45 and my options went off a cliff. Is it possible thats a common age cut off for people? Is it just a decline in dating app use in general?

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I am a nice bisexual lady who primarily dates women. Its always been a small pool. Having a male partner makes that even more so. I have noticed a huge dip in the number of matches I get. If feels like I hit 45 and my options went off a cliff. Is it possible thats a common age cut off for people? Is it just a decline in dating app use in general?

My life-in partner and I have been together for 6 years now. When we met, I had been poly for about 5 years and she was pretty new to polyamory. As the years have gone on she’s become less and less okay with polyamory. She stopped looking for other partners, then asked me to not date anyone new while she figured things out. Recently she told me she can’t live a poly lifestyle or be in a relationship with a poly person.

I love her and the life we’ve built together but don’t know what to do. I’ve offered to close our relationship, but a week in its spiritually rough. I worked hard to accept myself, my feelings, and figure myself out as a polyamorous person. I’m not sure I *can* change, and I’m not sure I want to.

Is it possible and if so, how, and what specifically do we do with each other? If I'm serious about keeping it platonic and don't want us to run into any temptations to make out with each other and stuff?

My instinct is that we have to probably just hang out in groups of people and mostly just run into each other at shows and stuff. But I'm not sure how to actually keep up a friendship with him that can actually be meaningful and feel like a real fulfilling friendship. Not sure if it's possible without leading him on, or messing with my own emotions

I am trying to ask a general question but specifically the guy I am thinking about is an ex-friends-with-benefits, and I broke things off with him because we were both developing feelings ans he was ideally looking for a girlfriend but I didn't want to date him as a serious relationship.

Help please