r/polyadvice • u/General_Mountain633 • 1d ago
first relationship ever tested by my insecurity
hi, new poly person here. it took me a while to come to terms with my identity, and i still somewhat identify with the demi-amorous idea of, i'd be happy both with and without poly. i have had a poly partner (t4t relationship so pls don't read if you're weird) of 5 years who is going long distance soon, and this past week was a trial with them away. in my worst moment after they told me about a threesome (that i totally knew about and gave my blessing), i expressed serious doubts about how we're going to make poly work over long distance after reading some stupid reddit posts (the irony) about how with the time concern polyamory already is, adding long distance requires extra time committed to your partner. in this worst worst moment, i said that i was stupidly thinking about how they could do monogamy for two years for us to be poly afterwards forever and they have now halted nearly all conversation with me. i know i hurt them, what i said was wrong and i emphasized that on the same call, but they said they don't know how to trust that i am truly poly and okay with them being with others. so now i ignorantly have to ask, how do i do this? how do i prove to not only them hopefully before all hope is lost, but to myself that i am who i say i am? this partner is the same person who has, in their worst moments, called themselves cisgender and a pretender and begged me to break up with them. i truly truly believe we make ourselves better by growing together, and if the distance has grown too much, we at least should talk about that before going cold turkey?
for disclaimer, i am also attending CODA meetings now bc i know that i am falling at a rapid speed into codependency on this person knowing that they're leaving, it's part of the reason why i tried to control them in such an awful way but i know that that is not who i am. please only offer advice if you can be sympathetic for someone who is learning not only how to love for the first time, but how to continue loving after this if things turn out for the worst.
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u/solataria 22h ago
Who so is somebody who's Polly and has long distance partners I get your angst plus with them moving away I honestly think your reaction was a knee-jerk reaction to your fear. I don't think that you're not poly I think you're just having a very human reaction to this. Yes is it going to take long conversations once they are completely where they're going to in honest communication I would advise you to find the conversations through your head before you start having conversations so that you can analyze what your initial responses so that way you can break them down and figure out what it is you're really feeling so you can communicate that. Long distance works I did it for 20 months with a partner. That broke down for other reasons other than the distance. But it is about open communication this may or may not work. If you understand that and analyze how you think about if this ends you'll become more balanced. I know that sounds simple in the way I wrote it it's hard I'm not going to BS you on that. But it can work you just have to be willing to do the work
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u/General_Mountain633 22h ago
i'm more than happy to put in the work, and i'm not trying to speedrun it because it will take time and real concern, but i also have this feeling that if i don't talk to them sooner than later, their interpretation of the events will be that i am resentful and incapable of opening my heart to poly, which has been wrong as we've been practicing it the past few months albeit with its ups and downs! but i've expressed to them over and over again how poly has helped me learn more about myself and what i have to offer others, intimately or otherwise. i'm just starting, i'm really trying to get through to them and i am having a hard time with the space right now that they've asked for because it's escalating so quickly (72 hours from original convo to zero contact and getting their stuff from my place)
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u/solataria 22h ago
Yeah then I get your anxiety over that it seems like they speed ran with it I'd give it another day or so and then write out your thoughts and send it to them at that point it's in their Court and they're going to respond how they're going to respond it definitely seems like you think in a very logical way and I'm sorry you're going through this
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u/General_Mountain633 20h ago
it's definitely funny that you say i think logically bc i'm actually the emotional one out of my partner and i. i can't stop crying whenever i think about everything, i can't eat or breathe very well. they literally said to me, "no one wants to see a five year relationship end" when i asked them straight up what they wanted from me. and i begged them to tell me the truth if they were just gonna break up with me and were trying to save me some grace, and i do genuinely believe they don't know what to do. i don't want to push them over the edge into leaving me for good, so that's why i'm so insistent for a longer conversation rather than the one sided messages we've been doing.
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u/solataria 16h ago
Yeah okay I can see why you think you're emotional but your responses in the way you've written your post but even in that emotional state you can logically see the picture for what it is
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u/saladada 1d ago
What work did either of you do in regards to polyamory and preparing yourselves and your relationship for polyamory before actually opening up?