How do you have casual sex,with another couple, with your spouse being the main focus and still be ok with it enough to “have fun”?

[u/Key_Trick]

[u/0x14f]

OP, are you asking the question for homework, or are you trying to handle a sudden request from your spouse ?

[u/Key_Trick → u/0x14f]

I’ve been trying to initiate talks with my wife on threesomes or any sort of experimentation in the bedroom and have been shut down for 9 yrs. We meet a couple that we weirdly vibe with and then one night she approaches me that she could see this couple being our “forever friends” and that her and the wife in the other couple talked about trying some parallel play and possible oral swapping and it kind of blindsided me. After my initial shock I tried to ignore the weird feeling it gave me that she would bring something like this up after so long but decided to try. Lo and behold I end up having a lot of jealousy after a month or so of “flirting” and just hanging out with some naughty touches and extra cuddling here and there. The thing peaking my jealousy is the almost undivided attention given to my wife while I sit in the background feeling like a 4th wheel. We try swapping in the same room just to do a non sexual activity and my wife and the husband (Bob we’ll say) are super cuddly and playing two player games on their phones. Me and (Jen) try and play a video game and the whole time she’s tense, looking at them a lot and not really touching me, while I’m just making sure I’m not coming off as a threat because she feels scared. Come to find out, after multiple debriefs, that she is feeling connected to Bob as the only male she wants and curious for my wife as a bisexual/lesbian curiosity. And I’m not gay and neither is Bob so obviously there is no attraction. So at this point I’m watching two people pine after my wife while I sit on the curb, thinking this was supposed to be a completely equal and open thing (we had a big talk about rules before attempting anything) and that feelings were all mutual. So I’m trying to just be able to have fun, because I really want to, but I end up spiraling out of nowhere due to the constant, what feels like, backseat.

[u/explain_that_shit → u/Key_Trick]

Mate that’s a fucked up thing they’re doing.

They basically want to nick your wife. That’s not cool.

Tell your wife what you had in mind was sex where everyone is into everyone and this dynamic doesn’t work since they’re not into you. You’re not whining or whinging, you’re not being selfish, it’s a boring situation for you so you guys should both stop doing it. You’ve had a crack at it and it hasn’t landed right, that’s ok.

Feeling possessive is natural especially when you’re actively being rejected otherwise, it’s natural to need to feel wanted.

Here’s an example of how what you’re feeling isn’t just immature selfishness - if you were in a commune of 11 people including your wife, and 6 of them were into your wife but not into you while 3 of them were into you but not your wife, would you feel alright? Would your wife?

[u/MaxJustDoesntKnow → u/Key_Trick]

You should ask this on a poly or a relationship subreddit you’ll get more in depth answers

[u/neoplatonistGTAW → u/Key_Trick]

My buddy in Christ, this is not something you can or should try to fix. Your wife isn't into you, and wants to become this other couple's third while leaving you in the cuck chair both literally and figuratively.

[u/GreenMammoth9927]

Confidence and trust in your partner if it’s something you both want

[u/FewerEarth]

Communication, and confidence, if you are even having ANY doubt, or your partner is then it's not a safe risk to take. Insecurities/jealousy WILL ruin it and easily damage things.

[u/ladybugseattle]

Communication and consent.

[u/king-of-all-corn]

I dont and most people who try this dont succeed either

[u/pullhome]

Ok with it enough to have fun is not the correct standard.

Enthusiastic consent is the only way this does not end up badly.

If you dont immediately see the allure of your partner enjoying themselves with someone else, this kink is almost certainly not for you.

[u/3antum_Mutahayyizin]

Denial. This situation never works. It always leads to trouble and someone gets the shaft.

[u/GentleMast]

that's a tricky balance for sure. gotta have open communication and clear boundaries, plus everyone needs to be on the same page about feelings and expectations to keep it chill.

[u/w0mbatina]

If you have to ask, you really shouldnt do it.

[u/Oblivion_Toast]

I don’t understand why you would do this sex is a you in your partner thing to me personally. History says otherwise but this might fuck your relationship. I don’t like this culture we live in where this is even discussed honestly not to be a dick dude.