Situationship to Mono Lesbian/ENM Bisexual Woman Relationship

[u/According_Cod_7601]

Hi all! Long post incoming, throwaway account.

So I’ve (F23, lesbian) been seeing this girl (F25, bisexual) for about a month and a half now. It started off pretty casually, we were friends for about a year who turned into something more recently. I care an awful lot about her and have conveyed that care in as many ways as I can express nonverbally.

I have a deep fear of rejection so I’ve been putting off having the “what are we” conversation with her. We finally had it two nights ago while we were both drunk wherein she told me she cares a lot about me and wants to continue where we’ve been going in getting to know each other and remaining close and intimate. She also stated she can’t offer me commitment at the moment but hasn’t been seeing anyone else romantically.

This is where my questions arise. After our conversation two nights ago we had an extremely productive sober conversation last night. She acknowledged that she brought it up at a bad time and fucked up there. But she restated that she can’t offer me labeled commitment quite yet. And that she cannot be sexually monogamous, but has and could be romantically monogamous. I have a very low libido and would be happy with sex once a month, if that. I’m also pretty monogamous but I’m open to trying new things and have never really been in a long term committed relationship. She stated she wants to keep building on what we’ve worked on and that she loves me. As a friend but also as more than that. I love her as well, and I could see this arrangement working well for us. I’m open and willing to try.

I guess at the moment I’m at a place of looking for evidence of this kind of relationship working. Especially as queer women. I care deeply for her and want to be with her, but I also know the romantic and fantasy side of me can get carried away.

We aren’t labeled yet, and the label matters less to me than clear, open communication and trust. She can’t offer me labeled commitment yet but she is willing to give me everything I’ve asked for so far. Which is basically a heads up re her having sex with mutual friends, and not involving anyone else in her life romantically. I feel safe in sharing my discomforts and potential issues with her. My gut feeling is to give her a chance and see where this goes.

TLDR; Mono lesbian pursuing ENM bisexual woman and growing towards something more than situationship/FWB. Am I out of my depth? Is it realistic to keep pursuing this? Should I cut my losses and run? Does anyone have personal experience pursuing this dynamic? LMK! Willing to answer any follow up questions.

[u/FayeValentine99]

I’m a queer ENM poly woman, 59, been doing this for many years now.

If your gut and your heart are telling you that you want to keep doing this, then I think you should. I think personally that queer women are well-suited to navigating these kinds of relationships, if there is good communication, and it seems like you do.

Open-minded people can create our own relationships, to be exactly what WE want. We don’t have to follow other people’s models. As long as you two are talking, and you both feel seen and heard and respected in your interactions? I think you two can create whatever you want.

For you, the challenge will be to stay aware of your own feelings as you two go forward, and bring things up in a loving way if you need to process. But you sound pretty emotionally even-keeled? Which is good!

There are some good books about women doing polyamory, like “Opening Up: A Guide to Creating & Sustaining Open Relationships By Tristan Taormino”. I know the author and she’s a smart person with good advice.

Or happy to say more about my experiences with this if you wish.