r/polyadvice • u/polyproblems4me • 11d ago
Scheduling intimacy withOUT her
So I am in a trouble/triad. It's myself {F31}, my husband {M34}, and our girlfriend/wifey {also F31}; it happened fairly organically (connected of FetLife and met in person to see about chemistry but at least to be friends since we lived in the same town).
She works from home, he has his own business he runs from home, and I have a part time job. Originally, she worked into the evening, and I applied for a job with hours that would only have me out of the house for like 2 hours after she gets off. She got her hours changed the day after I accepted my position to now getting off 30 mins before my shift starts and I have to drive 50 mins to get there. Apparently she had put in to get her hours changed like two weeks prior to my acceptance but never told me.
So with my job taking me away from the house, and my sleep schedule being slightly different from theirs, him and her definitely get plenty of time together where they can do whatever they want.
But apparently I have to schedule any time I want intimacy with my husband. GF will literally make it so she can walk away from her computer and RUN to the room she hears me moaning in (I try very hard to be quiet cuz she also deals with phone calls).
If we stop when she comes in the room she gets upset cuz she thinks we don't want her in the room and don't find her attractive (I don't understand how when we are all over her when she isn't working). Then let's not talk about how insecure I got when she was implying they fucked while I was gone but he said they just made out and cuddled (I wouldn't care about them fucking but I don't like the two different stories shit cuz it makes me feel like they are sneaking behind my back)
It has gotten to the point I am loosing sleep trying to satisfy my needs alone in the living room til 4am and still not achieve said release. It's been over a month, and that was when she was house sitting for family.
I'm at my wits ends and just want to give up. My self depreciation is telling me that I don't deserve it, and my therapist (who is NOT really familiar with poly, but is the only therapist I can afford atm) says to schedule times.... Is that really the only solution? I want to set boundaries but every boundary I come up with in my head just sounds like a rule or so specific it's absurd.
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u/overand 11d ago
It's okay to "plan a date" - which is in fact scheduling time!
Getting one-on-one time was pretty tough in my second (of two total in 19 years of polyamory) triad, and I think it was pretty important.
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u/Euphoric_Grass_427 8d ago
It is not ok to have make a plan to have time for sex during which this woman won't bust in on them. She is working and pauses work to run in in them having sex. This isnt a schedule issue. This is a lack of basic respect issue.
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u/overand 7d ago
If that's what was going on, that's its own issue - my advice was more generic than specific to the situation.
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u/Euphoric_Grass_427 7d ago
That is what was described in the post.
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u/overand 7d ago
I'm not disagreeing; I'm just saying that "It's okay to plan a date, which is okay to schedule time." You shouldn't be forced into it by other people's bad behavior, obviously, yeah.
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u/Euphoric_Grass_427 7d ago
Its also ok to have unplanned sex. Its not ok to burst in on people having sex and interrupt them.
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u/Own_Breadfruit_8518 10d ago
Hi! Therapist here to just share some personal thoughts as someone who is poly and who has experienced a similar challenge. One thing that’s been really helpful for me when dealing with challenges like this are to get really clear for myself about the differences between my personal boundaries and principles… and my rules. You touched on this at the end, but to expand on it a little bit more:
While you can’t control the actions (or reactions) of others, you CAN control what you will or won’t stand for, what you will or won’t tolerate, what you value, what you prioritize, what you think, what you feel, and what you’re going to do next. Bringing that energy back toward “self” can help keep you out of a helpless position and it can also help you focus less on what “others” are doing (or not doing). (Since you’ll be too busy focusing on being your best and most aligned self 😉).
As you know already, poly requires so much communication and honesty, but it also requires taking accountability, being responsible, and advocating for oneself. And sometimes that means walking away when a dynamic isn’t healthy or sustainable for us. Other times it means remembering that our partners aren’t mind readers. If you’re compromising on your own boundaries and principles, you’ll start to feel resentful and bitter and that will get projected toward others intentionally or unintentionally. So, it might be useful to get curious about any areas where that might be showing up for you. This is a tough situation and there isn’t an easy solution but I hope that you are able to find a path forward that works for you! 🫶🏽
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u/DebutanteHarlot 10d ago
Why are you all so worried about what the other dyad is getting up to when one isn’t there?
It sounds like you and your husband started dating her together immediately and it sounds like a bit of a UH situation. And that’s why each dyad hasn’t been given the proper room and time to grow. And that’s why you’re having this issue now.