Hi guys. I’m currently in a closed throuple with my partner of 7 years and my newer partner of 6 months. While I do enjoy it every once in a while, sex has never really been that important to me in relationships and I tend to prioritize other ways to have closeness and intimacy.

My two partners however, seem to match each other’s libido pretty well. I think this is partially to do with my long-term partner’s general interest in sex, and how my newer partner hasn’t had many sexual experiences before we all started dating. This is fine and actually pretty great for the most part. I’ve put in the work to have conversations with them separately about how I feel about this, and they have reassured me that my place in the relationship isn’t devalued just because I don’t want to have/talk about sex as much.

However, there’s still one thing that I get tripped up about that I’m not too sure how to navigate. When the three of us end up in bed together, I usually end up feeling left out when my two partners are pleasuring each other. I struggle to include myself, maybe because I know newer partner is still feeling out what feels good for them? I’m not really sure. But there’s definitely that feeling of being “added baggage” to the equation.

I know the solution is to talk to them about it, but I’m not really sure what would help me here. I don’t really want MORE sex, nor do I want them NOT to engage in what feels good when we’re all in the moment. I can just rub out so many times watching them before it feels boring you know??

So I guess I’m looking for more input from other experienced polyfi-ers who have a similar dynamic. We don’t all live together yet, but it’s definitely a plan. How do you organize and/or navigate differences in sex drive, especially being the one with the least in the relationship? Any insight would be cool and great to hear!

Buongiorno, Reddit! Just got back from a spontaneous Italy trip with Hubby and Wifey where we mainlined so much pizza and pasta our bodies are practically 80% carbs right now. No ragùrets!

Before our trip, another fellow throuple was moving in together, so I sent them over some tips for making the move work since this was the first time all 3 of them were actually living together aaaand my throuple knows all too well what works and what doesn’t work for cohabitation. Then about 2 weeks ago, my throuple watched a couple on their “romantic” Italian vacation completely ignore each other; this was likely their first trip together, and likely their last. And this was the spark I needed to put down the Peroni and actually start writing:

what are the top things couples, throuples, quads, and polycules SHOULD do before living together in order to make a relationship work long-term? 

Nothing strips the romance filter off a relationship faster than cohabitation… especially when you multiply it by 3 or more. Dating profiles can lie, date nights are curated, but actually living together? Well that’s when the quirks, kitchen wars, and “why are you loading the dishwasher like a psychopath” come out swinging. After 15 years of throuple life (including multiple moves, international relocations, and enough domestic chaos to earn a PhD in it), I wrote a list of 10 battle-tested tips & tricks on Substack.

https://velourialamour.substack.com/p/moving-in-together-as-a-throuple

I cover things like a mandatory 3-week trial run first, international vacations as compatibility tests, embracing minimalism so you’re not mentally (or literally) tripping over baggage, and a list of housing requirements to make ENM life manageable and comfortable! I also prepped some scripts for nosy family/friends/landlords and have suggestions for “legally” living together despite there being at least 1 person in the relationship who isn’t “legally” recognized. 

So if you’re thinking about living with multiple partners, or if you’re a couple wanting some move-in tips, or if you’re just looking for a few laughs because they probably hit close to home, go ahead and give it a read! It’s equal parts practical advice, survivor stories, and unfiltered real talk. And yes, the dishwasher has been a huge point of contention in our relationship :p

I’m already writing up a follow up article about 10 tips for actually living together. Until then, I would love to hear your own cohabitation stories and amazing wins in the comments below! Ciao 🍕🍝🤌

I will start this with.. please be kind. I never thought I would be in this position and struggle daily.

For over 2 years we were in a poly quad (2 married couples, all straight). We were ENM before (and had discussed poly), they had dipped their toes into threesomes but that was it. We were all of each others first poly relationship. We all dived in fairly quick, but they did more so (saying I love you first, asking for the first sleepover, inviting us on the first trip). I tried to have conversations at the beginning about what would happen if one person wanted out, but no one else wanted to have those discussions.

The relationship was good, but had its struggles. The other wife struggles with mental health, and from that stems possessiveness. We were rocky, hinging wasn’t always the best. But there was so much love. Truly. We never lived together but traveled a fair amount together, our kids were similar ages (4-6) so our lives were somewhat enmeshed.

Well last fall the other wife, decided it wasn’t working for her anymore and she didn’t want to be poly anymore. She ended it all, with no warning or discussions, no heads up, to anyone; including her husband. She also forbid her husband from continuing to date me.

There was so much hurt. Me and him continued to talk. And then we would meet on occasion (every 2 weeks or so) to see each other. We’d kiss and hug but that was it. My husband always knew but my “boyfriend” he would not tell his wife. We are now 9 months from the initial breakup and we are still seeing each other, though now weekly. We makeout heavily, and have talked about reintroducing sex. There is also a very heavy emotional connection. But I am truly now the mistress. For a long time I said there was grey area, I talked to my therapist about this. But now I know there isn’t. I’ve always said ENM felt right, poly felt right. My husband and I were always okay continuing separately (we had dated separate before). But my mind now struggles between this is no longer ethical, but also how do I give up someone I love so much that also loves me.

We had a very strong relationship, that was taken away from us without our choice. And now we are trying to figure out how to deal. He is constantly hoping she will change her mind and want this again when her mental health improves. But she also isn’t doing anything to improve it.

I don’t know what I’m really asking for here. I guess if anyone has been on a similar situation. Had a relationship taken away from them when they didn’t have a choice? I feel like I have no one to talk to anymore about this, even my poly friendly therapist, I feel so guilty about what this has become.

Hey people,

I'm looking for advice, personal stories or experiences from people with a similar starting point.

I'm (F25) in a friendship with two other people; let's call them Beth (F26) and Zander (M23). We're just starting to get closer in our friendship, and to make things even more complicated, we're all kind of colleagues. Recently more and more people are mentioning our weird vibes and making comments about us looking/acting weird together, though the term 'triad' was never mentioned. I picked up on the tension going on between Beth and Zander, but I don't really have the impression that I'm part of that vibe too; more like I'm tagging along. It's an insecurity that I already discussed with the two of them and that they themselves didn't feel at all but were willing to help me overcome. They've also mentioned that for them, even in situations with all three of us, they're thinking of the friendships as A+B, A+C & B+C, but don't experience or think about A+B+C.

A comment from a mutual acquaintance, who is part of a polycule, about our vibe made me start thinking.

The more I thought about a triad, the more sense it made for me, but I'm not sure how to initiate a conversation about that topic and/or how to start with smaller hints so that they themselves think about this before I initiate a conversation, to not overwhelm them with the thought.

A triad makes sense to me because we're all constantly trying to be a safe space and strive for the best for everyone in our group. We definitely had very vulnerable conversations that we didn't share with people outside our group. Also, even them opening up is a huge display of trust, especially for them, since they're most definitely not in touch with their emotions. I'm personally struggling with my sexuality, because for the last year I labeled myself as asexual, but I'm starting to think that I might be demisexual with a lower sex drive, since it feels like I'm starting to develop feelings and a romantic attraction to them.

For context: Beth and I were friends before and kind of adopted Zander into our friendship. None of us are romantically involved with anyone within/ out the friend group. They're growing really close, and Zander and I have a more work related relationship, but we're trying to and are slowly becoming better friends outside of work. Also, yes, we work together, but it's voluntary work, and it's not like our livelihoods depend on it or that it's hard to leave the situation if things get awry.

Any kind of advice, personal story or experience is highly appreciated!

So, I don't think there's any real trouble in paradise, but for those unfamiliar, we had my girlfriend's ex-gf here for a week recovering from an injury, so 4 people in a house without that much space. Couldn't walk without bumping into someone. Even though she's gone, it feels like there's still a lingering feeling that we all feel a bit crowded, both in the house and not having a lot of time to ourselves.

Both my longer-term girlfriend and shorter-term girlfriend have alluded to it to me in private, but I don't think have discussed it.

Our house is a 3 bedroom, 3 bath, with the master obviously shared between all of us, one room operating as my office/a workout space for all of us (but used most by LTP), and then STP is the only one with her own room and dedicated space. Sure, there's the kitchen, dining room, living room, and laundry room... but all shared spaces.

It's not just physical space, but getting time to yourself to clear your mind. I have dibs on my office from roughly 9-5 daily, more friends I spend time with, and family here, so I get more alone time, and don't feel as crowded.

STP and LTP seemingly have different issues. Since STP and LTP don't traditionally work, LTP is always up in her (all of our) space for attention. I think LTP might be a little slightly bothered she doesn't have her own space.

We still mostly sleep together almost every night and spend lots of nights together. We haven't done a perfect job of keeping up our solo date nights at the moment.

I'm trying to think of something I can do to give everyone some space... like renting nice rooms at the nearby resort? A vacation for at least a change of scenery, maybe with adjoining rooms?

Any ideas?

A little over a month ago, I shared that I asked my boyfriend to join my forever family and he said yes.

Here: https://www.reddit.com/r/PolyFidelity/s/0T8EEy3CcI

Monday was our first date anniversary. (We met on feeld 5/14/25 and had our first date 5/18.) well he returned the proposal and gave me a ring too! 😍🥰 I’m swooning.

My husband is so supportive. They have become great friends.

We are having an average to long engagement before the ceremony and moving in together. I really want to be cautious because we have 4 kids between us and I just love him so much, I want to make sure we are prepared and talk a lot of things through.

I’m so over the moon and crazy in love with this man. I never expected to find something like this in the over 10 years I’ve been poly. 🤯🥰

Hello 👋

I am in a closed poly relationship with M46, married. We have openly been dating for close to 2 years and it’s been wonderful. (And I am also in a relationship with B34–for 3 years)We are not dating anyone else.

My question for you—how can you feel like you are progressing and escalating when one of your partners is legally married?
How do you feel like it’s “real” in social circles?
Can you have 2 nesting partners?
(I know I shouldn’t care about what other people think but I still do.)

Please be kind. ❤️

has anyone had luck with the free version of Feeld? I've been using it for a couple weeks now with zero luck. I dont want to pay for it just yet cuz I've had little success with online dating in the past. Maybe I'm impatient, or maybe this is another app that just wants your money....idk.

any advice?

we are being open and honest in our bio. maybe we arent using the right terms and such? we worry that some people might think we are looking for a "unicorn". but that's genuinely not what we are looking for.

If I've learned my terminology correctly then what I'm looking for is "a closed V, kitchen table relationship with a woman".

I (31F) want a girlfriend that is comfortable with polyfi. She doesn't need to be attracted to my man, but I'd like for them to get along so we can all hang out together.

M in a 7 year MFM closed throuple. I feel we are inching toward a quad. I recently reconnected with university roommate (who my wife, girlfriend at the time, and I hung out with all the time) and he’s come out as gay, hinting at being bi, after he met my husband and learned about our family. This we during a short four day visit. We all like him, he’s a great guy. A two week visit to our house is planned for next month as he moved away 10 years ago. I’m encouraging a completely platonic visit. Not sure what will happen.

I have a lot of feelings, confusion even, about this. As someone who identified as strictly straight until about two years ago (yes five years into our relationship, don’t judge) I wonder how this is even happening with another man. I don’t know how he will fit in. I think about logistics. Sleeping arrangements are on my mind, sleeping together is really important to us and I know there are larger beds out there, but what about travelling? I think these things are worrying me only because I’m stuck on the more serious feelings. I’m guessing my mind jumps to petty logistics to try to convince me to stop this from happening because it seems easier.

My relationship with my wife and husband is the best thing that ever happened so I don’t want to close the door on anything. I also don’t want anything to come between us. (Yes, we’ve had that conversation)

Has anyone moved into a quad from a triad? Any success stories?

So, last night we (me, husband, new fella [NF] -- all men) had a conversation where we all shared that we have romantic feelings for each other and want to keep dating and growing closer.

We talked about our past poly experiences in terms of open vs closed (we've done both; NF's last triad relationship was technically open but none of them acted on it / rarely acted on it). NF also shared that he had moved here to start something with another guy, whom he intends to keep dating while also dating us, and asked if we were cool with that. This other guy happens to be a friend of ours whom we had asked out in the past but things didn't end up going that way (still friendly, though, and no ill will). So, essentially NF is asking for kitchen table poly.

Hubs said "yes"; I was more hesitant but said ok. NF said we could keep talking about it as things come up.

After sleeping on it, the part I'm struggling With the most is the idea of "sharing" NF with someone I am not also with. I'm having a lot of impulses to try to "win" NF away from this other person.

I also need to get clarity from NF, because I'm not sure if he's saying “I want both of these relationships” or“I’m not sure which one I want, so I want to try them both out and see which one suits me better.”

Hubs and I are going to talk about our respective feelings after work today, and we will see NF again this weekend. I have a therapist appointment Monday to work through things more.

I am very open to advice from y'all who have more experience than I do.

A lot of folks how are interested in poly don't seem like the type to want a lot from a relationship. Just the basics or bare minimum. Do you agree and is this actually a benefit to poly arrangements?

LGBT+ community has done a lot of works in those past decades (they're still working on it, but it surely is better than few years ago in a lot of countries).

Do you think it will be the same for us? Do you think we'll be ever able to have poly marriages with more than one partner? (I'm referring to marriages that aren't religious like the muslim ones and that gives everyone the possibility to be married to more than one person, not like only men with more than one woman kind of thing)

Idk, sometimes I just wonder if in this timeline I'll live long enough to see it, but I'm not smart enough or know that kind of history enough to draw a possible answer...

​

I've been married to 44 (M) for 13+ years and I 37 (F) have had a relationship with a woman for 9 years (she is also married). As of recently we have split unfortunately. Aside from communication issues, I feel like the fact that I have growing family has added to the complication factor. I have a young school age child with another one on the way. She doesn't and that will not change. She advised that things between us are changing and because of my growing family things will continue to get complicated. I want to add that i am commited to her and we were in a closed relationship. Our relationship is like an onion with many layers but that's not what my question is about.

Question: Is it possible in this type dynamic ENM/KTP/ Hinge relationship can flourish with a family? Is the future I was envisioning with her (maybe someone else down the line) actually a reality for some of you?

What I envisioned is something along the lines of her and I date/have our time like a normal relationship. Semi annual trips & maybe weekend getaway here & there. We do things as a family e.g. beach, dinner, celebrate "family" things together - like an aunt.

Looking forward to feedback.

Thank you in advance.

Hi!

I’m in a closed FFF triad. I’ve been married to my wife for 7+ years, and we became very close to one of my friends, which led to a casual kiss, then a threesome, and now a relationship of 5+ months. I live with my wife, but our girlfriend lives in another city, so we don’t see each other as often as we’d like.

My wife and I had casually seen other people a few times before, but nothing ever developed into a serious commitment until now. The three of us are in love, and we’ve started talking about what a future together could look like. Not because we’re trying to rush anything, but because these are the kinds of conversations we’d have with any serious partner to understand compatibility, expectations, and what each of us wants.

Since I have so many questions, I’d really love to hear personal triad/poly success stories from people who have been doing this longer.

Are all of you married*? Do you live together? How long have you been together? What was it like in the beginning, and what is it like now? What changed over time? Whatever you’re comfortable sharing, I’d be very grateful to hear it! :)

Many thanks

My husband and I (both M) have been chatting with and going on dates with a wonderful new fella, and so far all the flags are green 😁

We've been poly for several years, tried dating solo of each other and didn't like it, and then had a year-long quad relationship with another duo that ultimately fell apart due to jealousy (on their part, not ours). It's been just the two of us for a few years now.

We know that what we are looking for (moving from an existing duo into a trio or quad, etc.) is challenging / rare to find. We've been patiently working on ourselves and finding contentment in our lives, and this wonderful guy just kinda appeared in our lives.

It's early days, and we've learned to be cautious and not rush into anything, AND I'm really enjoying this magic moment in our lives.

We are having a "defining the relationship" conversation this week, and I'm excited for the possibility and anxious that it may not be the result I hope for.

Has anyone here been in a throuple relationship that fell apart, but still managed to stay on good terms with the third person afterward?

Ours ended and we’re honestly not on good terms at all now, which has been really painful and confusing for me. I think people underestimate how deep those bonds can get and how much grief comes with losing not just a partner, but the friendship and connection too.

I guess I’m just wondering if anyone’s been through something similar and eventually found peace/friendship again after everything fell apart. Or even if you didn’t.. how did you cope with losing that person?

There is a ridiculously bad article on Wikipedia regarding "Unicorn Hunting" that just reeks of that other polyamory subreddit and their "we make the rules" mentality. It is in need of some editing and I would encourage anyone with the time to take a look. The first four references are tangential at best and garbage sources at worst, and the article attempts to speak for the entire LGBT and Polyamory communities in its slant (if not open condemnation).

Maybe it's just me, but I have yet to see any closed triad formed by three people spontaneously gathering together at exactly the same time, or of a large polycule reducing in size to form a stable throuple. What I have seen has always started with two people, and then a third joins. Many of you have been in relationships which started like that for years.

Take a look and see if you agree: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unicorn_hunting

How many of us are sick to death of people trying to control information to their own advantage? "They who yell loudest" isn't democratized knowledge, and we can't allow a few loudmouths to claim private ownership of a definition in order to control public opinion - that's Joseph Goebbels and Newspeak.

Alright, rant over. Thank you.

Just sitting around on this lazy Sunday, trying to fill some time while we all have the day to ourselves, I got to wondering - do you consider yourselves to be relatively traditional? Do you engage in other kinks, lifestyles, or communities that are off the beaten path? Do you dress differently than the norm and such?

None of it's a judgement on anyone, I'm just realizing how much my group doesn't look like anyone you'd consider poly. I'm your standard 9-5, suit and tie business guy. Both of my girlfriends are very traditional, femme girls, one's even reasonably religious (goes to church semi-regularly, nothing nuts). The craziest one of them gets is some very mild artificial hair highlights that mostly blend in to her hair, but fits her aesthetic as an artsy person.

We mess around with a little bit of kink, but nothing more intense than you'd see on a standard HBO show or movie. We're not part of any alt-communities, although they spend some time with other bisexuals/lesbians occasionally.

What about you? Happy Sunday.