r/PolyFidelity • u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad • 11d ago
question For those of you cohabitating, how do you make sure you all get enough "space?" Looking for suggestions.
So, I don't think there's any real trouble in paradise, but for those unfamiliar, we had my girlfriend's ex-gf here for a week recovering from an injury, so 4 people in a house without that much space. Couldn't walk without bumping into someone. Even though she's gone, it feels like there's still a lingering feeling that we all feel a bit crowded, both in the house and not having a lot of time to ourselves.
Both my longer-term girlfriend and shorter-term girlfriend have alluded to it to me in private, but I don't think have discussed it.
Our house is a 3 bedroom, 3 bath, with the master obviously shared between all of us, one room operating as my office/a workout space for all of us (but used most by LTP), and then STP is the only one with her own room and dedicated space. Sure, there's the kitchen, dining room, living room, and laundry room... but all shared spaces.
It's not just physical space, but getting time to yourself to clear your mind. I have dibs on my office from roughly 9-5 daily, more friends I spend time with, and family here, so I get more alone time, and don't feel as crowded.
STP and LTP seemingly have different issues. Since STP and LTP don't traditionally work, LTP is always up in her (all of our) space for attention. I think LTP might be a little slightly bothered she doesn't have her own space.
We still mostly sleep together almost every night and spend lots of nights together. We haven't done a perfect job of keeping up our solo date nights at the moment.
I'm trying to think of something I can do to give everyone some space... like renting nice rooms at the nearby resort? A vacation for at least a change of scenery, maybe with adjoining rooms?
Any ideas?
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u/Ringo9091 10d ago
I'm in a quad, but 3 of us cohabitate in two bedrooms. For us the solution is to have one person in one bedroom (me - I also work from home), the other two share the other bedroom.
Pro: we can move between bedrooms so people get alone time. It really helps.
Con: i definitely get more alone time than the two who share a room. And it means they're usually the ones moving to my room for the night instead of me going to them.
I think in an ideal world we'd each have a bedroom
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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad 10d ago edited 10d ago
Makes sense! We all technically have an available bed if we want space, or the couch for whatever reason. I can be a hot sleeper, toss and turn, and can't always be embracing someone, so sometimes I go to the office and sleep in there. STP has her own bed, obviously, but every once in a while, there's been a time where myself or LTP have slept in hers.
So we have rooms to retreat to if someone needs sleep, but I'll admit that it's a little harder to ask for the master bedroom to yourself when two people are used to sleeping in there, and can be seen like being mad at someone.
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u/Ringo9091 10d ago
Not being honest about your need for alone time is just going to hurt in the long run as you get snappier, etc. Been there. Mostly we all get it, but once in awhile someone will feel put out. I think it helps that it's never a "I need space from you" or "I don't want to be around you" which would feel hurtful. Instead we center it on our own needs. "I'm feeling kind of overstimulated, so I'm going to take an evening to myself."
I'd sit down and propose that anyone can ask for alone time when they need it and then negotiate what that looks like for you.
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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad 10d ago
I just want to be clear - I'm not worried about MY alone time. I have a lot more outlets. Even if I wanted to tell a white lie, I could drive to the other side of the city and crash at my parents' place for the night, just saying I wanted to have a night with them. I could go out for a night with the guys whenever I want and be free from the relationship for a bit.
What I'm trying to do is help facilitate time or space for them to feel more rested and alone when they need it.
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u/Ringo9091 10d ago
It's a strategy thing. Making it sound like it's for everyone's benefit takes pressure off them and will make it easier to actually voice the need.
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u/Feisty_Cucumber_9404 11d ago
I think the solutions here are two fold, I’m in a long term poly quad and was in a similar position to your LTP because my wife had her office and my gfs had their own room but the master bedroom is “mine” (my wife and I always sleep together, gfs sometimes sleep with us but they both have sleep struggles sometimes and need their own space too). To solve this we made me my own zones even though they’re not traditional rooms, we converted a large closet into our sex room/dungeon but it’s also just my relaxing safe room (think more cozy giant bed surrounded by lights rather than traditional dungeon) and designated the big bathroom as mine (I love to take baths and spend tons of time in there anyway so it really helped). Outside of that we are pretty strict on keeping solo dates and times and trying to get everyone out at least once a week on solo activities. If changing your house at all isn’t possible I’d recommend the vaccination with more space (and it maybe a good emergency reset too after ex gf) but long term I think converting part of the space so LTP has her own dedicated space too will really help them both.
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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad 10d ago
Thanks! I don't see how many more changes we could totally make to the home. Asking STP to concede more of her room would be tough, because she needs room for her art (that's the only thing she does to bring in income), and she had to move a whole apartment worth of things into a smaller space, whereas so much of LTP and I's things are more accumulated through the years and in their own blended spaces.
Funny enough, LTP typically likes to shower with one of us so typically wouldn't even care about a bathroom as their own, but that's interesting. Her makeup and accessories are split pretty evenly between the master and STP's bathrooms, whereas we try to keep the downstairs bathroom that's connected to the office available to guests. I forgot to mention there's a futon in the office/gym space, too, so not a lot of room to revamp that room because I have to have an office space, non-negotiable, and we all want the workout space.
It's tough!
You're right though, I might have to insist more on solo dates to give everyone a day or two to have time to themselves. I'm just trying to do this discreetly without making it a three-way issue.
I'm assuming by "vaccination," you mean vacation! Perhaps.
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u/PlasticEducation238 10d ago
We each have our own bedrooms but everyone wants to be in mine at all times. Bathroom each. The living room and kitchen is spacious and we have a spare bedroom downstairs. Gym in the garage. Bathroom each. Sounds similar to what you’ve got but only time I struggle with space is when I sleep in the middle. Weathers getting warmer too so I wake up with them sticking to me. Gotta peel them off me, thats my only ‘fk I’m suffocating’ moment 😂
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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad 10d ago
Yeah, I definitely can't sleep in the middle! Typically, LTP is in the middle, but sometimes we switch it up. I always have to be on the outside so I can disengage, since I overheat and toss and turn. Especially now that it's functionally summer. We run the AC at arctic temperatures for me, and I sleep on the side of the bed closest to the window AC, which is probably why they're always cuddling, to preserve warmth.
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u/Daiwara 11d ago
My partners and I struggled with this a lot too. When I moved in, one of my partners had a really hard time letting things go and tends to hold onto stuff, while the other partner and I had to downsize a ton to make the move work. Honestly, what’s helped the most for us has been creating space and balance instead of trying to force everyone to function the same way. I switched to shift work at the hospital and now do 12-hour shifts, 4 on and 4 off. That means they get evenings together without me sometimes, and I get quiet daytime hours to myself when they’re at work. They also both have standing evening hobbies, which gives them dedicated time together and apart from me too. So far, it’s been working really well for us. Nobody feels like we are stepping over each other at home or trying to find alone time in a busy household.