r/PolyFidelity • u/catsandspaghetti27 • 5d ago
Ethical Poly Quad turns into infidelity
I will start this with.. please be kind. I never thought I would be in this position and struggle daily.
For over 2 years we were in a poly quad (2 married couples, all straight). We were ENM before (and had discussed poly), they had dipped their toes into threesomes but that was it. We were all of each others first poly relationship. We all dived in fairly quick, but they did more so (saying I love you first, asking for the first sleepover, inviting us on the first trip). I tried to have conversations at the beginning about what would happen if one person wanted out, but no one else wanted to have those discussions.
The relationship was good, but had its struggles. The other wife struggles with mental health, and from that stems possessiveness. We were rocky, hinging wasn’t always the best. But there was so much love. Truly. We never lived together but traveled a fair amount together, our kids were similar ages (4-6) so our lives were somewhat enmeshed.
Well last fall the other wife, decided it wasn’t working for her anymore and she didn’t want to be poly anymore. She ended it all, with no warning or discussions, no heads up, to anyone; including her husband. She also forbid her husband from continuing to date me.
There was so much hurt. Me and him continued to talk. And then we would meet on occasion (every 2 weeks or so) to see each other. We’d kiss and hug but that was it. My husband always knew but my “boyfriend” he would not tell his wife. We are now 9 months from the initial breakup and we are still seeing each other, though now weekly. We makeout heavily, and have talked about reintroducing sex. There is also a very heavy emotional connection. But I am truly now the mistress. For a long time I said there was grey area, I talked to my therapist about this. But now I know there isn’t. I’ve always said ENM felt right, poly felt right. My husband and I were always okay continuing separately (we had dated separate before). But my mind now struggles between this is no longer ethical, but also how do I give up someone I love so much that also loves me.
We had a very strong relationship, that was taken away from us without our choice. And now we are trying to figure out how to deal. He is constantly hoping she will change her mind and want this again when her mental health improves. But she also isn’t doing anything to improve it.
I don’t know what I’m really asking for here. I guess if anyone has been on a similar situation. Had a relationship taken away from them when they didn’t have a choice? I feel like I have no one to talk to anymore about this, even my poly friendly therapist, I feel so guilty about what this has become.
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u/BasicFemme 4d ago
Having been in a similar position, the kindest thing I can do is be honest.
This sucks. And.
Your lover is happy continuing to see you while doing so isn't a threat to his marriage. He isn't willing to prioritize your relationship, he wasn't willing to tell his wife her ultimatum was unacceptable and encourage therapy as an alternative.
It's likely that they didn't want to talk about it because they knew what the outcome would be and thought it would be a buzzkill. Consider that: rather than have a transparent conversation, they moved forward with your heart on the line.
I'm truly sorry for your pain, I hope it resolves soon and with as little damage as possible. But affairs breed feelings that aren't based on real life, real accountability. Take good care of yourself and get out now.
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u/Txbiker63 4d ago
Sorry you're going through this. To be honest there were red flags. Them not willing to duscuss the what if's for one. Communication is vital to any relationship more so when it's poly enm.
Then there's his wife's mental health struggles. My wife is bipolar and there's struggles it is just the way it is. We learn to cope and help where we can and that's another huge learning curve. My wife is medicated and has a mental health professional that we see together. I went through alot with her early on and made it a point to learn everything i could about it so that I could be another avenue of support for her. We told our wifey everything about it a week after we met, it was a very long discussion but we wanted her to know and understand what she was getting into with us. She's been great too, did the research, asked the right questions and is involved in the therapy sessions with us. My wife's been stable for a long time, but in the beginning it was hard. Mood swings, finding medication that worked. So to be fair I understand how his wife could do what she did. It wasn't personal, no telling what she's going through but it's likely alot. Being unmedicated and no therapy isn't good either. Believe me I've seen alot but we came out of the other side stronger.
I'm not going to comment on you and her husband still seeing each other. It's not for me to judge.
I hope you can find the answers your looking for.
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u/NestorCarpeDiem 4d ago
This must suck so hard. It sounds like your boyfriend has really found a place in your heart, your husband doesn't mind, and his wife, your meta, is being totally unreasonable.
Yet you must break it off. Boyfriend clearly cannot do that, even though he is the one who should have never restarted it. He is trying to have his cake and eat it. Never works long term.
But do you want to be in an unethical relationship? Do you want him to lose his marriage over this? Do you want to cheat on your ex polycule partner? Do you want there to be a potential future where your meta changes her mind and allows you back in? Or are you ok with a future where meta is going to find out and hate you forever, because that will happen.
Just imagine he had to relocate to another country for her new work. You would have missed him but moved on. This is really the same, they left poly country and moved to mono world.
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u/straightstream_75 4d ago
I was in a similar place as your boyfriend. My partner exited a triad suddenly and it left our other partner and I reeling. I could have continued it in secret, but that would be unfair to both of my partners, and ultimately I had to make a decision on which relationship I was willing to continue at the expense of the other.
Someone will get hurt, but it can be done with respect, honesty, and grace. Continuing to see you romantically when his partner has closed expectations is only prolonging that hurt, and he is being selfish offering you something that isn't his to give.
For your own sake, I would simply give him the choice of which relationship he is willing to commit to and be willing to say no to him if he refuses.
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u/V_is4me 4d ago edited 4d ago
This. There is only the one choice here: he can end the relationship (such as it is) with his wife by confessing that he wants to continue with you, letting the consequences fall where they do, or you have to end the relationship with him. It is hard. It will have hurt feelings all around including your husband, by the way, don’t think he won’t have his own feelings involved either way. I’m sorry.
I was also in a triad that my partner “quit”. I choose my marriage. It was a long process, but because I was ethical and clear, I am still in a very close relationship with our former partner and her new wife 10 years later. I have also now been on the other side - your husband’s side. My wife fell in love with a new partner who was cheating on his wife. I had to insist on her ending things because it wasn’t ethical and so, not a relationship I could support. We separated for a short time over it and the fallout is not fully resolved. There is no easy way out, but there is the right choice.
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u/wonderrypical9962 3d ago
Pull out and stop being stupid with the i love you shit
If you both are, then divorce
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u/smileedude 4d ago edited 4d ago
Everyone in a poly relationship needs to enthusiastically want a poly relationship. If that stops, sometimes healthy connections need to break for the best of everyone. That happens in monogamy too, couples split over career choices and family commitments too. It's putting responsibility before love, which hurts.
You guys put love first. It's romantic but I think you all know the mess you've created. Rather than opting into an affair you both haven't opted out of one so I really appreciate the difficulty in that. I'm not going to tell you what you need to do. You know already.
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u/our_hearts_pump_dust 3d ago
In my first marriage, we both agreed to polyam. Looking back, it was not very healthy at all. We weren't in a quad situation, but my boyfriend and I of a year were very much in love, and didn't want or need to end our marriages. We were slightly long distance (2 hours) and had found a visiting situation a few times a month with daily communication that worked for us.
Our spouses suddenly decided the relationship needed to end. I still remember 12 years later, that night he called and me sitting on the floor, sobbing, heartbroken. Him in the same emotional state as well.
He and I were in a group social situation a year later and the attraction was outrageous. We talked about sneaking off together. We didn't do it. We just couldn't. We were both going through divorces at that point. It was horrible and heartbreaking all over again. Not a flex that we didn't cheat, because holy hell did we both want to. We just couldn't hurt ourselves like that being unethical.
It was only 5 years ago, both of us in new, healthy relationships where we were able to talk about it and have closure.
My heart feels for you. Truly. But you will not have a long lasting, healthy relationship if it's not based on an ethical relationship. I agree with telling him this. No ultimatum of him choosing or anything. If he does divorce, and your husband is OK with you still dating this man, THEN you can rekindle and hopefully have a long, healthy relationship. Good luck, internet stranger and lots of hugs (if consensual) for your aching heart ❤️
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u/not_very_chill 5d ago
I’m sorry for all your heartache.
Yes, I have had that experience numerous times, always when involved with anyone who is coupled. It’s just the reality of dating anyone that is highly partnered.
But the bigger issue here is what you’ve already pointed out, you are having an affair, it is not ethical.
I wonder if instead of wishing she will change her mind, you reflect on how you got to this point and how you would feel if the roles were reversed, if your husband was sneaking around with someone you asked him not to see?
Her husband needs to end your affair and probably your friendship for a long time. He can get a divorce, etc., if poly is for him.
But cheating sucks, you know this.
Good luck, I hope you are able to disentangle and find some peace.