r/PolyFidelity • u/in_a_strange_place • 16d ago
Any triads turn into a quad?
M in a 7 year MFM closed throuple. I feel we are inching toward a quad. I recently reconnected with university roommate (who my wife, girlfriend at the time, and I hung out with all the time) and he’s come out as gay, hinting at being bi, after he met my husband and learned about our family. This we during a short four day visit. We all like him, he’s a great guy. A two week visit to our house is planned for next month as he moved away 10 years ago. I’m encouraging a completely platonic visit. Not sure what will happen.
I have a lot of feelings, confusion even, about this. As someone who identified as strictly straight until about two years ago (yes five years into our relationship, don’t judge) I wonder how this is even happening with another man. I don’t know how he will fit in. I think about logistics. Sleeping arrangements are on my mind, sleeping together is really important to us and I know there are larger beds out there, but what about travelling? I think these things are worrying me only because I’m stuck on the more serious feelings. I’m guessing my mind jumps to petty logistics to try to convince me to stop this from happening because it seems easier.
My relationship with my wife and husband is the best thing that ever happened so I don’t want to close the door on anything. I also don’t want anything to come between us. (Yes, we’ve had that conversation)
Has anyone moved into a quad from a triad? Any success stories?
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u/The_Savvy_Seneschal 16d ago
Am in a 25 year old MMF triad here. We’re all bi. Every time we’re tried to (organically, we don’t really seek it out) introduce another woman or man into the scenario it doesn’t work for us.
At this point we’re just happy to be together as we are. It’s fun growing old with your best friends.
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u/buscheese 16d ago
I feel like there is missing detail / context here?
Otherwise, to consider a longlast contact (who just came out) as a soon-to-be fourth relationship member after platonic visits seems a bit of a reach? 😇
I’ve not been through a triad-to-quad transition — but curious about the anecdotes of others.
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u/FriendshipEqual7033 FFF Triad 16d ago edited 16d ago
My triad recently attempted to transition to a quad with a mutual friend, and it didn't go well for us.
The problems we had came down to three things. First, logistics: we couldn't all live together for practical reasons, and that led to complex scheduling problems about who sleeps where and when. It was exhausting. Second, it was very emotionally complex. In a triad, there are four sub-relationships, but in a quad, there are 11 (six dyads, four triads, and the quad itself). I know not every sub-relationship needs to be equally significant, but just navigating that emotional landscape was draining. Finally, it was a matter of chemistry. Finding three compatible people for a triad is tricky, but adding a fourth who clicks with everyone else seems very difficult. It's also true that our situation had some financial factors that I won't get into that complicated things.
In the end, our attempt to create a quad failed, but what's worse, it may have irreparably damaged our friendship with the fourth person. I regret that we ever tried it.
All that said, every situation is different. Ultimately, only the four of you can decide what works and what doesn't. My only suggestion is: proceed with caution!