r/openmarriageregret • u/LeoDragonBoy • 9h ago
šCross-Postš First time poly blew up, advice needed
/r/polyamory/comments/1ttfx7g/first_time_poly_blew_up_advice_needed/37
u/RedactsAttract 9h ago
Just a pig. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Just cause you want to go on dates and fuck other people donāt mean anything. Iāve wanted to BASE jump. Iāve wanted to fight people.
Youāre not your thoughts and your desires DO NOT need to be acted on like some animal.
36
u/seche314 9h ago
She is so gross. āI canāt feel queer fulfillmentā umm no youāre just a ho. Why not just own that?
26
u/frustratedcuriosity 9h ago
The comments too. The whole "poly and bi/queer being intrinsically tied" seems to be a common sentiment in those subs. Mono queers have it rough out here š
21
u/gingermousie 8h ago
Coupling bi and poly together intrinsically just feels like itās leaning on that stereotype of ābisexuals canāt chooseā which is an interesting choice
1
u/soursummerchild Avid Monogamist 17m ago
It's so biphobic and queerphobic to connect NM lifestyles and queerness in the way they do. Yes, a lot of queer people have chosen NM lifestyles, and many have been manipulated into them because they feel like they have no other choice. However, to claim that it's less queer to commit yourself to one person, and to not do hookups is just so fucking irritating and harmful.
I'm a transmasc married to another transmasc person. There's nothing about our marriage that is non-queer or straight. Our connection is queer. I have a lot of queer friends, too.
I hate when people equate promiscuity and NM with queerness. It's absolutely gross to require promiscuity and low/non-existant sexual boundaries/participation in hookups to be considered "queer enough". NM would actually be a living hell for me. Hookups would be hell for me. I've experienced a lot of sexual trauma, and having clear boundaries is so important to me.
I love a stable, calm and loving life with my husband. It's radical for queer people to find healing like we have, in our house and our relationship. It's honestly something I see way too rarely amongst queer people. Especially people who live unstable and unpredictable lifestyles.
6
u/PukeyOwlPellet šæJust Here for the Dramašæ 4h ago
You. Have. No. Idea. ššš
Pansexual who in her mid 30ās stepped into the dating scene & everyone assumed i was looking for a poly relationship. The sheer amount of messages Iād get from unicorn hunters was staggering even though my profile specifically stated i was looking for a mono relationship with the intent of marriage.
27
u/Necessary_Tap343 8h ago
I love how OOP states neither of her partners wanted to be poly they only did it to put up with her. Is she a supermodel, a millionaire or something else that makes physically desirable because her emotional stability has a lot to be desired.
9
u/seche314 8h ago
Probably all of the people in this scenario are gross/unhygienic
13
u/Necessary_Tap343 8h ago
Pick me because I know nobody else will ever be in a relationship with me? She's a 3 and they are 1's? You're probably right that might be a more likely scenario.
19
u/Chris881 9h ago
I hope OP leaves the guy and goes have to have her desired life with however many partners she can handle, I am sure that would work nicely, so the guy can be rid of her. She wasted fucking 11 years of his life, and since she looks to have been poly the entire time, I am sure she has been pestering him for years to let her fuck other people. I am getting mad just thinking about this.
-1
u/RepeatSpiritual8108 56m ago
She wasted fucking 11 years of his life
You're acting like he didn't have a mind of his own. Miss me with that.
-24
u/HerrHaschen 8h ago
You really can't judge bisexual people against your personal preferences.
12
u/Turms70 7h ago
First being bisexual does not mean, to not be monogamous! And that is something many bisexual people will tell you! And there is valid science be found that does come to the same conclusion.
And second, there is NO evidence, again NO evidence that polyamory has anything to do with sexuality. It is a lifestyle people can freely choose or not. It is different to a lesbian woman, who is trapped in a relationship/marriage with a man against her sexuality.
Many scientific studies tried to prove that polyamory is not a free choice, it is a thing like the sexual preferences. BUT those studies are ALL very, very flawed and not reaching any serious scientific standards!
So yes you can judge a person who wants to live the lifestyle of an open relationship! And bisexuality is not a valid reason to have to live that lifestyle.
The problem with science in this field, is that there is a lot published, but are not representative, the surveyed group is not chosen by any scientific standards, and alternative explanations for the found results are not discussed in any reasonable way and so on...
11
u/Chris881 8h ago
I had to reread my post because I missed the part where I even mentioned she was bisexual. That's the least problematic thing in this whole thing, I don't care about it.
4
u/bluesond 7h ago
I can!
I am bi.
Queer connection was hella important to me and so I married another woman lol
16
u/wenchywitchy 8h ago
You are not poly, you are actually a selfish cake eater!
8
u/Turms70 7h ago
The problem that many have, who want live that poly lifestyle, that they miss the crucial point, that poly is a free choice! Like you chose your career or what car you drive.
You are not poly, you want to be poly! This is different from being homosexual, or bisexual. This is given by nature and not a free choice.
Since I am very curious and very open-minded, I tried to find any valid scientific publication, that would prove that being poly is not a free choice of a lifestyle. All who say differently do not even come near any reasonable scientific standards.
3
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u/TOMMISS99 8h ago
All I kept thinking reading that mess is āMentally illā ..
6
u/Iron_Wave 6h ago
Yeah The lifestyle seems to attract a certain type of individual. Loving unnecessary drama seems to be a key trait.
10
u/Turms70 7h ago edited 7h ago
This woman is exactly the reason why you should directly end the relationship, when one of the partner wants an open relationship and your target is a long-lasting stable relationship, maybe for life!
This experimenting with different partners, hardly works out!
So if not both want this lifestyle for them self, or a long-lasting stable relationship is not your priority, then it is ok to give it a try.
But it in that post it is very obvious OPās partner was just giving in, because she pushed for it!
And now she is demoting that guy to a FWB! What a terrible selfish self-centered women with no empathy only focussed on her very own "feelings"!
I hope she is now ending that relationship with her fiancƩe and starts one with that other woman R.
When I look at the separation/divorce rates of lesbian relationships, this relationship has a high chance to fail after some month/few years.
Meanwhile, that nice open-minded EX will hopefully found a good woman and have married her, when this terrible woman wants him back! And she will then regret even have tried to open up the relationship!
3
u/lopgir 1h ago edited 59m ago
I really don't get how someone can be told after an 11 year relationship that the other party is unsure, and still stay.
The second that sentence leaves OOP's mouth even without all that preceding nonsense, I'd start packing. If 11 years aren't enough to figure it out, it'll never be enough.
Marriage to this? They're going to get married, and two months later, OOP's gonna want nonhierarchical poly, or it's divorce time.
1
u/soursummerchild Avid Monogamist 10m ago
Jfc please just hire a sex worker to have gay sex with and call it a day.
The absolute ridiculousness required to think that would solve anything/turn out good is astounding.
ā¢
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Original copy of post's text:
First time poly blew up, advice needed
Iām looking for advice from people with more poly experience, especially around hierarchy, breakups, and whether in the breakup Iām experiencing panic or clarity.
Iām 28F. Iāve been with my fiancĆ©/NP (29M) for 11 years, and engaged for 1 year. We have a wedding date set for next year, and had a very stable, loving, supportive relationship. NP has been kind and steady with me through our entire relationship, but his style was more to suppress feelings than address or accept that I was poly, and he didnāt date others.
About a year ago, with NPās support, I started dating āR,ā (31NB). Iām queer/bi and had always wanted to experience a queer relationship. The relationship with R was deeply meaningful, passionate, romantic, sexual, and fulfilling in ways I had never experienced before. I felt very desired, cared for, prioritized, and connected to a queer part of myself.
However, the relationship was also extremely fraught. R really struggled with being secondary and wanted me to move toward more nonhierarchy. I understand that couples privilege is real and that I had work to do, and I also felt increasingly stressed and monitored. R would often analyze my relationship with NP, my actions with NP, and whether I was practicing ethical nonmonogamy. I felt like loving or prioritizing NP became something I had to defend. At the same time, it was understandably very difficult for R to experience being the new partner with my 10+ year NP relationship who I was engaged to, and there was coupleās privilege of living together and feeling like I wasnāt doing work to move toward ethical polyamory which felt degrading to R, as they told me. Over time, I felt pressured to diminish my relationship with NP in order to make my relationship with R work. I donāt think that was Rās intention, but thatās how I felt the impact was. NP also started feeling neglected and destabilized by the relationship.
I ended things with R about a week ago because the relationship felt unsustainable in polyamory with all of the stress, and feeling pulled in two directions. Since then, Iāve been in intense grief/panic and have had thoughts that maybe the problem was only polyamory, and that if I left NP and was monogamous with R, that R would be calmer and our relationship would work. R has said that the instability came from the pain of being secondary, and that outside of polyamory they would be a stable partner. I worry this could be true. I also realize now that lately, Iāve come to view NP as more of a friend, and the romance and passion is very diminished, and Iām just thinking about R all the time. But maybe thatās just the breakup with R talking.
The complicating factor is that before the breakup with R, I never once seriously wanted to leave NP. I viewed NP as the love of my life and was content with our life. But now that R is gone, Iām questioning whether my relationship with NP lacks romance/passion/spark, and whether I would feel unfulfilled in a monogamous relationship with NP. I worry that I would need future queer/poly relationships to feel fulfilled, but that āsecondary queer loveā may not be enough for me. With R, I imagine I might be satisfied with just them, because the queer romance/passion piece felt so central. At this point, Iām also feeling like I might just view NP as a friend because the loss of romance and passion is so much less than what I had with B.
I handled the breakup with R badly. After agreeing to no contact, In panic a few days after the breakup with R, I told them I was questioning whether to leave NP and be with just them. R asked me to see them before making my ultimate decision, and I agreed, but after talking to NP and grounding myself in the reality of our 11-year relationship and the instability with R, I told R I was choosing NP. I apologized for dangling hope and said I would leave them alone. R is understandably hurt and angry. Since then, limited logistical contact has occurred but, R has said they think Iām living a lie if I marry NP and Iām terrified theyāre right, and also that Iāll miss R forever if I go forward with my life with NP. Wedding decisions and payments are quickly approaching and Iām so stressed to say the least.
Iām now trying to take time to sort out whether I actually cannot marry NP, or whether Iām in acute grief/attachment panic over losing R. But Iām terrified that taking time means R will close the door forever. I also know it would be unfair to keep R emotionally on hold while I decide. Iāve told NP where Iām at with everything so he is currently up to date on the fact that I am indeed unsure and need time to think about if we can actually get married. Heās understandably devastated that I need time to think about our future. Iām just so lost and need help and advice. I know I messed up badly with both my partners here, and Iām trying not to mess up even more.
Do I leave my engagement with NP and end our 11 year relationship? Do I try to be with R? I donāt even know if they would take me at this point, and I donāt know if I deserve to be with NP either with all of this doubt despite being engaged. NP wants to desperately work things out with me. HELP!
TL;DR tried poly for the first time soon after getting engaged, it blew up, now Iām considering monogamy with both partners but it will be messy no matter what.
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