First time poly blew up, advice needed

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First time poly blew up, advice needed

I’m looking for advice from people with more poly experience, especially around hierarchy, breakups, and whether in the breakup I’m experiencing panic or clarity.

I’m 28F. I’ve been with my fiancé/NP (29M) for 11 years, and engaged for 1 year. We have a wedding date set for next year, and had a very stable, loving, supportive relationship. NP has been kind and steady with me through our entire relationship, but his style was more to suppress feelings than address or accept that I was poly, and he didn’t date others.

About a year ago, with NP’s support, I started dating “R,” (31NB). I’m queer/bi and had always wanted to experience a queer relationship. The relationship with R was deeply meaningful, passionate, romantic, sexual, and fulfilling in ways I had never experienced before. I felt very desired, cared for, prioritized, and connected to a queer part of myself.

However, the relationship was also extremely fraught. R really struggled with being secondary and wanted me to move toward more nonhierarchy. I understand that couples privilege is real and that I had work to do, and I also felt increasingly stressed and monitored. R would often analyze my relationship with NP, my actions with NP, and whether I was practicing ethical nonmonogamy. I felt like loving or prioritizing NP became something I had to defend. At the same time, it was understandably very difficult for R to experience being the new partner with my 10+ year NP relationship who I was engaged to, and there was couple’s privilege of living together and feeling like I wasn’t doing work to move toward ethical polyamory which felt degrading to R, as they told me. Over time, I felt pressured to diminish my relationship with NP in order to make my relationship with R work. I don’t think that was R’s intention, but that’s how I felt the impact was. NP also started feeling neglected and destabilized by the relationship.

I ended things with R about a week ago because the relationship felt unsustainable in polyamory with all of the stress, and feeling pulled in two directions. Since then, I’ve been in intense grief/panic and have had thoughts that maybe the problem was only polyamory, and that if I left NP and was monogamous with R, that R would be calmer and our relationship would work. R has said that the instability came from the pain of being secondary, and that outside of polyamory they would be a stable partner. I worry this could be true. I also realize now that lately, I’ve come to view NP as more of a friend, and the romance and passion is very diminished, and I’m just thinking about R all the time. But maybe that’s just the breakup with R talking.

The complicating factor is that before the breakup with R, I never once seriously wanted to leave NP. I viewed NP as the love of my life and was content with our life. But now that R is gone, I’m questioning whether my relationship with NP lacks romance/passion/spark, and whether I would feel unfulfilled in a monogamous relationship with NP. I worry that I would need future queer/poly relationships to feel fulfilled, but that “secondary queer love” may not be enough for me. With R, I imagine I might be satisfied with just them, because the queer romance/passion piece felt so central. At this point, I’m also feeling like I might just view NP as a friend because the loss of romance and passion is so much less than what I had with B.

I handled the breakup with R badly. After agreeing to no contact, In panic a few days after the breakup with R, I told them I was questioning whether to leave NP and be with just them. R asked me to see them before making my ultimate decision, and I agreed, but after talking to NP and grounding myself in the reality of our 11-year relationship and the instability with R, I told R I was choosing NP. I apologized for dangling hope and said I would leave them alone. R is understandably hurt and angry. Since then, limited logistical contact has occurred but, R has said they think I’m living a lie if I marry NP and I’m terrified they’re right, and also that I’ll miss R forever if I go forward with my life with NP. Wedding decisions and payments are quickly approaching and I’m so stressed to say the least.

I’m now trying to take time to sort out whether I actually cannot marry NP, or whether I’m in acute grief/attachment panic over losing R. But I’m terrified that taking time means R will close the door forever. I also know it would be unfair to keep R emotionally on hold while I decide. I’ve told NP where I’m at with everything so he is currently up to date on the fact that I am indeed unsure and need time to think about if we can actually get married. He’s understandably devastated that I need time to think about our future. I’m just so lost and need help and advice. I know I messed up badly with both my partners here, and I’m trying not to mess up even more.

Do I leave my engagement with NP and end our 11 year relationship? Do I try to be with R? I don’t even know if they would take me at this point, and I don’t know if I deserve to be with NP either with all of this doubt despite being engaged. NP wants to desperately work things out with me. HELP!

TL;DR tried poly for the first time soon after getting engaged, it blew up, now I’m considering monogamy with both partners but it will be messy no matter what.

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