r/polyamory • u/Ok-Staff-592 • 1d ago
First time poly blew up, advice needed
I’m looking for advice from people with more poly experience, especially around hierarchy, breakups, and whether in the breakup I’m experiencing panic or clarity.
I’m 28F. I’ve been with my fiancé/NP (29M) for 11 years, and engaged for 1 year. We have a wedding date set for next year, and had a very stable, loving, supportive relationship. NP has been kind and steady with me through our entire relationship, but his style was more to suppress feelings than address or accept that I was poly, and he didn’t date others.
About a year ago, with NP’s support, I started dating “R,” (31NB). I’m queer/bi and had always wanted to experience a queer relationship. The relationship with R was deeply meaningful, passionate, romantic, sexual, and fulfilling in ways I had never experienced before. I felt very desired, cared for, prioritized, and connected to a queer part of myself.
However, the relationship was also extremely fraught. R really struggled with being secondary and wanted me to move toward more nonhierarchy. I understand that couples privilege is real and that I had work to do, and I also felt increasingly stressed and monitored. R would often analyze my relationship with NP, my actions with NP, and whether I was practicing ethical nonmonogamy. I felt like loving or prioritizing NP became something I had to defend. At the same time, it was understandably very difficult for R to experience being the new partner with my 10+ year NP relationship who I was engaged to, and there was couple’s privilege of living together and feeling like I wasn’t doing work to move toward ethical polyamory which felt degrading to R, as they told me. Over time, I felt pressured to diminish my relationship with NP in order to make my relationship with R work. I don’t think that was R’s intention, but that’s how I felt the impact was. NP also started feeling neglected and destabilized by the relationship.
I ended things with R about a week ago because the relationship felt unsustainable in polyamory with all of the stress, and feeling pulled in two directions. Since then, I’ve been in intense grief/panic and have had thoughts that maybe the problem was only polyamory, and that if I left NP and was monogamous with R, that R would be calmer and our relationship would work. R has said that the instability came from the pain of being secondary, and that outside of polyamory they would be a stable partner. I worry this could be true. I also realize now that lately, I’ve come to view NP as more of a friend, and the romance and passion is very diminished, and I’m just thinking about R all the time. But maybe that’s just the breakup with R talking.
The complicating factor is that before the breakup with R, I never once seriously wanted to leave NP. I viewed NP as the love of my life and was content with our life. But now that R is gone, I’m questioning whether my relationship with NP lacks romance/passion/spark, and whether I would feel unfulfilled in a monogamous relationship with NP. I worry that I would need future queer/poly relationships to feel fulfilled, but that “secondary queer love” may not be enough for me. With R, I imagine I might be satisfied with just them, because the queer romance/passion piece felt so central. At this point, I’m also feeling like I might just view NP as a friend because the loss of romance and passion is so much less than what I had with B.
I handled the breakup with R badly. After agreeing to no contact, In panic a few days after the breakup with R, I told them I was questioning whether to leave NP and be with just them. R asked me to see them before making my ultimate decision, and I agreed, but after talking to NP and grounding myself in the reality of our 11-year relationship and the instability with R, I told R I was choosing NP. I apologized for dangling hope and said I would leave them alone. R is understandably hurt and angry. Since then, limited logistical contact has occurred but, R has said they think I’m living a lie if I marry NP and I’m terrified they’re right, and also that I’ll miss R forever if I go forward with my life with NP. Wedding decisions and payments are quickly approaching and I’m so stressed to say the least.
I’m now trying to take time to sort out whether I actually cannot marry NP, or whether I’m in acute grief/attachment panic over losing R. But I’m terrified that taking time means R will close the door forever. I also know it would be unfair to keep R emotionally on hold while I decide. I’ve told NP where I’m at with everything so he is currently up to date on the fact that I am indeed unsure and need time to think about if we can actually get married. He’s understandably devastated that I need time to think about our future. I’m just so lost and need help and advice. I know I messed up badly with both my partners here, and I’m trying not to mess up even more.
Do I leave my engagement with NP and end our 11 year relationship? Do I try to be with R? I don’t even know if they would take me at this point, and I don’t know if I deserve to be with NP either with all of this doubt despite being engaged. NP wants to desperately work things out with me. HELP!
TL;DR tried poly for the first time soon after getting engaged, it blew up, now I’m considering monogamy with both partners but it will be messy no matter what.
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u/SarcasticSuccubus Greater PNW Polycule 1d ago
I think it might be helpful to pull back and have some perspective on how your relationship with R fits into the timeline of your life. It sounds like you've been with your NP since you were 17? If so, R isn't just your first serious poly relationship or your first queer relationship, it was also your first adult relationship outside of NP.
That is a lot of relative inexperience. That's not a judgement on you, but it's something you need to be aware of to put all of this in perspective. You were still in NRE with R, and this is literally your first experience ending a serious relationship as an adult. All breakups suck, but you don't have any prior experiences to counteract the narrative in your head that this is the loss of a lifetime. Of course you're feeling panicked under these circumstances.
R doesn't sound polyamorous, especially when they started dangling the possibility of stability if you'd just leave NP and be monogamous with them. That's honestly pretty messed up and manipulative. Let R go: your indecision is unkind to them, and their pressure to leave your NP was unkind to you. I think once you have some time and distance from that relationship, you'll see there were other incompatiblities that NRE was smoothing over.
For your NP: you two were very young when you got together, and you've grown into different people now. Put the wedding on hold and spend this time figuring out if the people you've both grown into are still compatible. It would be best to do this in couple's counseling if you can access it, but it doesn't have to be. Really spend some time thinking about what you need & want in life, go through the relationship menu in this sub's resources, and identify how you'd want to see those things fulfilled in a nesting relationship/marriage. Ask NP to do the same. Then sit down together and compare notes.
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u/keilstyle 1d ago
None of them sound polyamorous.
Where does the assumptions that R is pretty messed up and manipulative come from? And where does the assumption that R pressured OP to leave NP come from? Nothing in the post indicates this.
Frankly I don't see what else is there to figure out at this point. It's already crystal clear that OP and their NP are fundamental incompatible.
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u/Ok-Staff-592 21h ago
Thanks so much for the response. You’re spot that it’s my first breakup and also first relationship other than with NP. However R never asked for monogamy with me, I just jumped to that idea in the days after the breakup because polyamory was so stressful, and I got to thinking I might not be fulfilled with just NP and foolishly told R that’s where my head was at. Of course they got their hopes up, but when I talked to NP about it, NP said a lot of realistic things that got me scared about ending our engagement, and I told R I was choosing NP. Now in the days after telling R, I’m feeling many doubts again, and wondering if I irreparably messed up a potential monogamous future with R, or if closing that door with R is actually for the best. While R was not manipulative, especially with the possibility of monogamy since they never suggested that, there were times I felt heavily pressured to prioritize them, to my detriment. But they were also suffering under the poly conditions of hierarchy. Hierarchy that I was trying to undo, but easier said than done with a relationship of 10 years.
Basically, being with NP requires polyamory for queer fulfillment, but being with R would just require one relationship. And I don’t know if I want to be polyamorous. The thought of having multiple homes, and multiple best friends, not just one closest confidante feels daunting to me.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 21h ago
Polyamory doesn’t have to mean multiple homes. And personally I don’t consider my partners my “closest confidantes,” I have many close confidantes and have diversified that type of support.
But it really doesn’t seem like you want poly or to be in a cishet relationship for the rest of your life.
I’m getting the sense you were only polyamorous as a way to explore your bisexuality and as someone whose polyamory and bisexuality are intertwined I gotta say if you don’t want polyamory for its own sake, it’s not gonna work. Wanting to be with people of different genders to explore your queerness is understandable but polyamory is about WAY more than that.
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u/Chimolin 20h ago
I think for the sake of making a good decision, you should imagine for the moment that R moved abroad, to a different universe and you should make your decision without them in mind. You won’t be happy in any relationship if you don’t figure out what you actually want for yourself first. The most important question you need to answer first is whether or not you are interested in a relationship with NP in general. Because from your comments it reads as if you aren’t actually interested in a heterosexual relationship at all. So if you aren’t interested in NP, why are you considering a marriage with NP? Would this be a platonic marriage in your imagination? Would NP even be ok with that?
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u/clairejv 19h ago
First of all, you should close the door on R forever. R made you feel "stressed and monitored." R analyzed your other relationship, which is bad poly practice, while preaching about how poly should be done. And yeah, you were incredibly messy toward R in a way that probably can't be repaired.
Second, you have been deep in NRE with someone who was actively trying to make you break up with your NP, which is NOT the time to be making life-changing decisions.
Third, you are giving big r/latebloomerlesbians energy here, so I think you need to do some self-examination about whether this was just NRE (which routinely makes people feel like the new relationship is the best thing they've ever experienced and their old relationship cannot possibly compare) or if you actually aren't attracted to men.
Put the wedding on hold. Take six months to introspect about your sexuality and to see if your relationship with NP can/should be repaired.
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u/dendraumen 18h ago
Postpone the marriage for at least a couple of years. People commonly open up after an engagement or a marriage, it is always the wrong time to do it because things will be in flux for several years after opening up.
If your premise for continuing a relationship with NP is poly ... I don't think it is sustainable. You drag him into a structure he doesn't want. He wants to be prioritized, nothing wrong with that, but you want to prioritize your queer relationships, especially because you date people who want monogamy with you. It will always lead to conflict. So maybe you have become incompatible with NP at this point?
Life is a series of choices. You cannot have it all. You will have to choose. Postponing your marriage and seeking individual therapy will help you make more sustainable decisions in the future.
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u/masofon 21h ago
You were still deep in NRE and now you're in withdrawal. Trust your pre-breakup feelings for NP.
Time is your friend here. Don't make any big, life-changing decisions. Go NC with R for 6 months. Put intentionality back into your relationship with NP (attention, intimacy, quality time) then assess. Spark can be rediscovered and that plus the familiarity and security of a decade long relationship is so incredibly special.
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u/keilstyle 21h ago edited 21h ago
It doesn’t matter if OP is still deep in NRE or not. Fact is: OP doesn’t want to be with NP. There is no spark to rediscover. They are just incompatible.
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u/Disco_Pat poly w/multiple 12h ago
Absolutely not the time for OP to accurately make that decision.
You can't possible know that is a "fact" with the tiny bit of context we have here, and saying so that way is not helpful to OP.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 21h ago
There are no details to go on regarding R’s behavior or your behavior throughout the relationship, you’re just using buzzwords like “hierarchy” and “couples privilege” and “ethical”, so it’s really hard to provide feedback.
Hard to say whether R’s concerns were reasonable or whether they had unrealistic expectations and were just hoping to cowpoke you away from your NP.
I will say I would never date someone who uses ranked hierarchy like that. I have a married partner and there’s plenty of hierarchy but I am not ranked “secondary”. It might sound like semantics but in my experience it really isn’t. So consider the impact that emphasizing “primary”/“secondary” roles has on a relationship. Some people are fine with it, some aren’t.
Also- I’m unclear here who, if any of you, actually want polyamory tbh. I also think you have been with NP since you were a teenager and may be having some serious doubts about the relationship on its own terms but the relationship and breakup with R is making you wonder how authentic those doubts are.
I’d also remind you that a) that first queer relationship just fuckin hits different and b) you were (are, despite the breakup) still in NRE with R so be careful making huge life decisions while in NRE.
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u/Ok-Staff-592 21h ago
This makes a lot of sense. I never wanted to label R as secondary. After a while, R required that I did label that way temporarily until we could structurally change in a real way, because they said they needed all of the inequities acknowledged and to stop pretending like it wasn’t hierarchical. I tried to move away from hierarchy with my schedule mainly, I would see R for 2 days a week, including 2 sleepovers, but it became overwhelming because I’m so busy with work and other things.
R had sympathy that I was overwhelmed, but did still expect a lot out of me. And I felt that whenever I did anything at home with NP, it felt analyzed and monitored, and I needed to acknowledge the couples privilege of that act to R, which felt bad, but maybe that’s just what admitting privilege feels like.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 21h ago
I mean they had a point, you can’t pretend having a NP/fiancé is non hierarchical, but having only X number of dates per week because of your capacity and schedule constraints is not necessarily about hierarchy it’s just…your availability.
Why were you and R analyzing and monitoring your other relationship? Were you hinging poorly? What specific acts were indicative of couples privilege?
I’m getting the sense that R just couldn’t handle not being your nesting partner tbh. And like…again, do any of you actually want polyamory?
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u/Hellosign 7h ago
What do you want out of marriage? What is most important to you in getting married?
If that is too abstract of a question - put a mind to what might be in your vows. What is most important that you feel you promise this partner?
Hopefully you can independently, and perhaps later with your partner, think about what kind of polyamory you want and what kind of marriage you want and sort out if that is compatible.
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u/Emergency-Cook3464 5h ago
The first poly relationship is always the training wheels one. Yes, your QUEER side SHOULD be fulfilled, but R has tried to "cow poke" you and that's NOT cool. They have tried to separate you from the nesting partner and convince you that you should be monogamous with them. NOT cool. NOT ETHICAL! BTW, not ALL hierarchal poly is UNethical. Your relationship of how ever long with R can NOT compare with your relationship of 11 yrs with your NP. I've had an OP of 3.5 yrs who I love dearly and passionately. He CANNOT compare (in connection) with my NP of 36 yrs nor can I with his np of 30+ yrs. That's reality. R weaponized this whole "hierarchy is not ethical concept against you and THAT is NOT ethical.
Let R go. Grieve (yes, fully grieve) and move on. Find a HEALTHLY queer partner and do what your heart moves you to do regarding your relationship with your NP. I know when I broke up with my first poly partner, my NP was the one who held me, comforted me and told me I WOULD survive it. I hope yours will too.
Namaste
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u/Visible-Rest4170 4h ago
What you were experiencing was NRE. New Relationship Energy. It's the rush of a new relationship. It's not the same as the stability and security of a long lasting relationship. It's the feeling that leads into that before the relationship takes root and has a foundation. Chasing NRE will lead you down the path of relationship after relationship after relationship but never finding the one.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 1d ago
Did Rowan ever actually *want* polyamory for themself, or were they just willing to put up with it to date you?
Do *you* want monogamy or polyamory now? Separately from either of these partners?
You’re comparing the feelings of a 10-year relationship to one that lasted a single year. Are you even doing romantic dates with your NP regularly? “Lately” is a small span of time when you’re talking about 10 years.
Have you tried counseling? For yourself, with your NP? To work out your feelings?