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Hi I (m18) have been dating my boyfriend (tm18) for about a year now and I have known he's poly the whole time but we agreed to not talk about it very much as I didn't quite get it at the time but now I've accepted and am comfortable with him dating another man(tm) but recently he's been asking me to get to know the other boyfriend and I don't know how to go about it and any advice on what to do would be greatly appreciated

Hey everyone,

I’m writing this because I honestly don’t know anymore if I’m just hurt, processing loss, or if we genuinely don’t fit anymore and I think I just need some outside perspectives and maybe a few kind words.

I’m in my early 30s( M34) and I’ve been with my girlfriend (F31) for 8 years.

I still love her deeply and I genuinely believe she still loves me too.

Over the years our relationship became heavier though.

Around 2 years ago she got diagnosed with ADHD. I supported her through it a lot and tried to be there, but looking back I think around that time I slowly started pulling away emotionally too.

I was often in my head, dissatisfied with myself and life, carrying a lot internally and probably became more distant than I realized.

She told me later she felt unseen and slowly lost herself.

Around February this year she started talking more and more to another guy.

He was a former coworker and she had been somewhat of a supervisor to him.

The conversations became more frequent and eventually turned into sexting.

At that point I knew nothing about it.

The first time she told me she had been talking to someone, I looked through her phone that same evening.

I had NEVER done that before in 8 years.

Not once.

I found the messages and sexting.

For her this was a huge breach of trust and I understand why.

Her previous relationship apparently had a lot of controlling behavior, jealousy, checking phones etc. and this hit a massive wound for her.

She later told me that maybe if I had not looked through her phone it would never have escalated this far and maybe everything would have faded naturally.

And honestly… I don’t know what to think about that.

Part of me feels guilty.

Another part struggles because the connection, messages and sexting already existed at that point.

Only after all this came the conversations about unhappiness, self-discovery, freedom, questioning monogamy, relationship structures etc.

About a month ago I even suggested a relationship break myself because everything felt stuck and overwhelming.

During that break she had sex with him.

She doesn’t see herself as cheating and objectively I understand why.

She was open afterwards, we talked and instead of leaving I tried to understand.

Since then I’ve been reading books about attachment, open relationships, jealousy, possessiveness, identity and all of that.

I really tried to question myself.

The thing is… I think I’m slowly realizing I’m probably just monogamous.

Not because I want control.

Not because I think I own anyone.

But because intimacy, exclusivity and the feeling of choosing each other are deeply connected for me.

My girlfriend says she still loves me, wants a future with me, but she also wants this form of relationship right now and openly told me she finds this guy attractive and wants to explore that side.

And I think I’m slowly realizing I can’t do it.

I’m neglecting responsibilities, constantly thinking, losing myself and still secretly hoping she’ll one day say:

“Fuck it, let’s just be together and find our way again.”

But I don’t think that’s going to happen.

The crazy thing is:

If she told me tomorrow “I only want you” — I would stay.

I still love her completely.

But I think if openness remains part of the relationship permanently, I’ll eventually have to leave even though I don’t want to.

Has anyone ever gone through something similar?

Did anyone experience their partner wanting an open relationship after many years together?

Or someone developing feelings / attraction for someone else during a rough phase?

How did you know whether you were truly incompatible or whether you were just processing pain and loss?

And is it okay to want exclusivity, commitment and a partner who chooses the relationship without automatically being possessive?

Honestly I think I also just need some kindness right now.

Edit 1:

Hello guys,

thank you so much for all the replies. Maybe there will be more over time, but they already help a lot. It honestly feels a bit like having friends giving advice and different perspectives.

It was also relieving to hear opinions that didn’t immediately tell me that I simply don’t understand something or that this is only my patriarchal view of relationships stopping me from seeing clearly.

After reading my own post again, I also realized I maybe didn’t highlight enough of her good qualities and maybe that’s one reason why people are immediately siding with me.

She has always been an incredibly caring person.

She always wanted the best for me — health wise, career wise and in general. She supported me a lot.

She also suffered a lot during the time where I emotionally pulled away and where the relationship became heavier.

It’s not that I did nothing, but I think I stopped doing romantic things and emotionally showing up the way she needed. At least that is how she experienced it.

I was often just laying on the couch, sleeping, existing and not really living.

And during that time she didn’t leave.

She stayed.

I think part of why this is so hard for me is because now I feel like I should have more understanding and empathy for her side because she carried us for a long time too.

TL;DR: Me (34M) and my girlfriend (31F) have been together for 8 years. She developed feelings / attraction for another man during a rough phase, we took a break and she slept with him during it. She now wants openness, I think I’m realizing I’m monogamous and I don’t know whether this is incompatibility or grief. He

Me (27F) and my wife (27F) have been married for a year and together for 8. The entire time we identified as monogamous and have never had anything different. We have quite a few polyamorous friends and we've discussed the idea of it in the past but agreed it wasn't for us.

Recently, she revealed to me that she's actually been thinking she's polyamorous. I immediately was open about how I can't be in the sort of dynamic where she has other partners. I have always been honest about that, it's not for me.

She says she loves me, I'm her number 1 and always will be but sometimes she feels a connection with others. I can accept that and will learn to cope with it, however she insists she doesn't need to pursue these relationships and feelings. She says she's perfectly happy with just me. And if being with me means the relationship is closed, then closed it'll be.

I have so many fears.

I don't want her to be miserable, longing for something she can't have. She insists she won't. I also fear she'll resent me. She swears she won't.

I also of course have all the feelings of knowing that she can love others. That's hard, very hard, but I can cope with it. She's worth it. I just have to accept that our views on love are slightly different. And while she's is my one and only, I am simply her number 1.

Is this going to work? Has anyone else ever done something like this? Mono-poly but it's closed? I looked up mono-poly but that's typically where one person dates other and the one only loves the initial partner. I can't do that, it would kill me. I've always said I couldnt do that.

Am i being too controlling? Should I insist she leaves me? All our polyamorous friends are going to think I'm a monster. And I don't want our monogamous friends to see her as a potential cheater.

I trust her. I don't think she would hurt me like that, I just don't want her to have regrets. She said she would tell me if she ever feels a connection with someone else, because I deserve to know. But then I'm gonna be left with this awful feeling of knowing she wants to be with them and can't. I just feel like theres no winning, but we're so in love.

Do we just see what happens?

My partner and I have been in a relationship for about three years. He into polyamory, while I do not, and over time I’ve come to accept this dynamic. I consider myself an open and supportive person, and I genuinely want him to be happy and to grow. I care deeply about my partner and want him to feel fulfilled.

Recently, however, I’ve noticed that I’ve been struggling more than I expected. I find myself overthinking our relationship and imagining worst-case scenarios, particularly when he shares that he is talking to another woman. My thoughts often spiral toward fears of being replaced or abandoned, even though I understand these fears are not always grounded in reality. I wanted to add that my bf tries to reassure me a lot how he would never leave me but I find that hard to believe

What has been difficult is that this pattern isn’t new, and it has led to several arguments between us. That makes me question myself and wonder if something is wrong with me psychologically. I don’t enjoy conflict, and from my perspective, the ongoing emotional strain has begun to take a toll on the relationship as well as on my own well-being.

In addition, I have high anxiety and it has intensified to the point where it affects my sleep, appetite, and even manifests physically as chest pain. I’m trying to better understand why I respond this way and whether these feelings are a normal reaction or something I need to address more intentionally.

I’m looking for healthy ways to manage these overwhelming thoughts and emotional responses, and I would appreciate any insight or guidance on coping strategies or support options that might help.

Thank you!

Me (27F) and my partner (28M) have been together for about 1.5 years. I’m monogamous, while he identifies as more “monogamish” — he’s interested in sexual experiences outside the relationship, but not emotional ones.

We started discussing this about a year ago and spent a lot of time talking through boundaries and expectations. About 3 months in, he was close to exploring, but I realized I wasn’t ready, so we paused. Later, we had a threesome together, which was a positive experience and something I genuinely wanted.

Now, at 1.5 years in, I thought I might be ready to try opening things up for him. He’s been honest, reassuring, and supportive throughout, and I wanted to support something that’s important to him.

We agreed on boundaries — mainly that it would stay strictly sexual, and that he wouldn’t spend extended time with the other person. I was picturing something more like a typical hookup: meet, connect, and leave.

But when he actually went on a date, I felt overwhelming anxiety the entire time. I didn’t hear from him for almost 12 hours, and the whole thing ended up lasting about 18 hours. That really shook me. I felt alone dealing with intense emotions we had agreed to navigate together, and it made me question whether other boundaries were crossed too.

His explanation is that he was trying to be respectful and not treat the other person with dignity. He admits the date went on too long and says he should have ended it earlier. He’s been genuinely apologetic.

Since then, we’ve closed the relationship again and are focusing on rebuilding trust. I’ve told him I may not want to try this again. He understands that and has agreed to be in a monogamous relationship. However, I understand that this is a big sacrifice for him.

I guess I’m trying to understand — am I overreacting to what could be an honest mistake given this was also his first ENM experience? Or is this a sign that this dynamic just doesn’t work for me? And is it worth considering opening things up again in the future?

Me and my gf have been together now for almoast 3 years. She always knew herself that she was poly and at some point this also came up in our relationship and told me she wants to be in a poly relationship. At first before we seriously talked about what it would mean for our future i didnt take it too seriously bc i thought i was also poly and maybe thought of it more like a fantasy than anything else.

After talking about it more i quickly got seccond thoughts and we also asked one of our friends to help. I sadly do not exactly remember in what direction our original talk about all this was leading but then a missunderstanding happened witch resulted in me thinking she gave up on the poly relationship witch she did not mean. But then we didnt talk about it for more than half a year and moved in together.

And then recently about two months ago she told me found someone she really likes. And after some confusion bc of the missunderstanding i again thought i was ok with everything. Since then we have been having a lot of talkes and our relationship has not been the same. I have a lot of jealousy and al sorts of bad feelings about the smallest things that dont even allways have to do with her beeing poly. And she also told me she notce things are different between us and she feels like she has to walk on eggshells sometimes.

Thing is i didnt actually think i am a jealous person with other things in the past i had no problems but now everything is different. And then today instead of going in circles with my thoughts and our conversations i told my gf that i didnt want to be in a poly relationship and i feel like i would just be too jealous. Also alone the talking about it has been damaging to our relationship and i am afraid of what might happen in the future.

And also i told her i would still want to be with her and now we are in a situation where ether i try and work on my jealousy bc as she said she want to be with me and be poly. Or she would have to decide if she can be with me without beeing poly.

And now i am not quite sure bc its a lot and there is also the feeling i have to change myself for something i would only do for her and not want for myself but also i want her to be happy and i dont know how it would affect her not beeing able to do what she wants.

Have any of u been in a similar situation or have any advice on how to deal with this ?

Throwaway account as my poly friends may be lurking here.

I'm (monogamous, F27) currently in a fwb situation with Elaine (poly, F30) who remained in-love and intimate with her ex-partner Scarlett even after their breakup. Elaine and Scarlett would continue to hang out, text regularly, and hookup. However, Scarlett constantly suffered from terrible depression which led to her taking her own life a few days ago.

I feel sad about the whole situation. I don't know what to do. I don't know if my situationship with Elaine contributed to Scarlett's death because Elaine would tell me that Scarlett had a problem with Elaine developing emotional connections with other people (I think that includes me, but I'm just assuming).

I feel sad about Scarlett. This was a person that I felt some tiny bit of jealousy towards because she was so beautiful, smart, funny and most importantly, Elaine loved her. It's so painfully obvious to me that they had something that I can't match. Elaine has never articulated that she loved me. I'm fine with that, but I'm not gonna lie, that part stings a bit. But I also recognize that the situation is heavier for Elaine who just lost a soulmate.

I'm really lost. I wanna be supportive towards Elaine but the messy part of me wants to end the "relationship" or at least intimate aspect of our "relationship" (air quotes because there really is no relationship to speak of). I can't keep being physically intimate with her after this. Maybe because I feel like I will always be living in Scarlett's shadow?

Sorry, it looks like I'm selfish for even thinking this way about a sad situation. I know the bigger problem is that Scarlett is dead. But these are my thoughts and I need help processing. Right now, I'm just being a good friend and a listening ear to Elaine who is still in shock about the situation. Also I am unable to talk to anyone about this because my FWBship with Elaine is a secret to my friends. Maybe because I feel a deep shame that Elaine never chose me.

Ok so my question is: how can I be a better friend to Elaine while fighting my urge to cut her off because of the uncomfortable feelings that I have about the situation.

Hi all! Long post incoming, throwaway account.

So I’ve (F23, lesbian) been seeing this girl (F25, bisexual) for about a month and a half now. It started off pretty casually, we were friends for about a year who turned into something more recently. I care an awful lot about her and have conveyed that care in as many ways as I can express nonverbally.

I have a deep fear of rejection so I’ve been putting off having the “what are we” conversation with her. We finally had it two nights ago while we were both drunk wherein she told me she cares a lot about me and wants to continue where we’ve been going in getting to know each other and remaining close and intimate. She also stated she can’t offer me commitment at the moment but hasn’t been seeing anyone else romantically.

This is where my questions arise. After our conversation two nights ago we had an extremely productive sober conversation last night. She acknowledged that she brought it up at a bad time and fucked up there. But she restated that she can’t offer me labeled commitment quite yet. And that she cannot be sexually monogamous, but has and could be romantically monogamous. I have a very low libido and would be happy with sex once a month, if that. I’m also pretty monogamous but I’m open to trying new things and have never really been in a long term committed relationship. She stated she wants to keep building on what we’ve worked on and that she loves me. As a friend but also as more than that. I love her as well, and I could see this arrangement working well for us. I’m open and willing to try.

I guess at the moment I’m at a place of looking for evidence of this kind of relationship working. Especially as queer women. I care deeply for her and want to be with her, but I also know the romantic and fantasy side of me can get carried away.

We aren’t labeled yet, and the label matters less to me than clear, open communication and trust. She can’t offer me labeled commitment yet but she is willing to give me everything I’ve asked for so far. Which is basically a heads up re her having sex with mutual friends, and not involving anyone else in her life romantically. I feel safe in sharing my discomforts and potential issues with her. My gut feeling is to give her a chance and see where this goes.

TLDR; Mono lesbian pursuing ENM bisexual woman and growing towards something more than situationship/FWB. Am I out of my depth? Is it realistic to keep pursuing this? Should I cut my losses and run? Does anyone have personal experience pursuing this dynamic? LMK! Willing to answer any follow up questions.

This might be a bit of a long post, so thank you to all who take the time to read it and give some advice. I (29M - Mono) met my partner (23F - Poly) about a year and a half ago. We’re also long distance. She already had a partner, and while they’re both poly they’d neither of them had ever actually had another partner during their relationship. We chatted and FaceTime a lot, and started to get feelings pretty quick, so about 6 months after we met we decided to give this a try. I’ve flown out to visit her a few times, and always book a hotel room that we both stay in while I’m there. She hasn’t come to visit me yet due to her other partner having a boundary against it due to some of their own personal issues(separation anxiety/anxiety in general). That has been a point of contention in our relationship a bit, mostly due to the limited times I can go there and the fact that there are several things in our relationship that we can’t do with me coming to visit her and staying in a hotel. Just to give an example, she’s bragged on more than one occasion about how right after her and her partner started dating he immediately took her to meet his family, and obviously that’s not possible with me only going to her. There’s several other things on the list as well, and that may not be the best example, but I understand what having anxiety is like, and we have talked about it and it’s something they’re suppose to be working on. This is not the primary point of this post, however, just setting up the background.

I have a special interest/hobby that is very dear to me. It’s something I’ve enjoyed since I was a kid, and it’s stuck with me and has a lot of nostalgia. I’ve talked about this hobby with her multiple times, showed off collections, talked about things I want to get for it etc. She’s never had any issue with it, but she’s also never expressed any direct interest in it either. Earlier this week she mentioned she’d made plans this weekend to go to the park and a tattoo shop, but that was all the context that was given at the time. Well last night we were on a FaceTime call pretty late into the morning(4:30am) and she mentioned that she had actually made all of the plans for the weekend herself, which is something she almost never does. She then mentioned that the park was having a special event for my hobby and that’s what she was actually going to with someone else and she was really excited about the event. This has me pretty upset, as the entire time we’ve been together she’s never shown any interest in this, and now on top of all of the other things we want to do in our relationship that she can and does do with anyone closer to her, now she’s decided to get introduced to it with someone else. And while we definitely could’ve gone to events while I was visiting her(I would have loved that) this isn’t even something that would require us to be together and is a hobby we could share long distance. It just feels really inconsiderate and I’m upset, but I don’t know if it’s actually something I should be upset over, or if I’m just overreacting with everything else that we have. Any input or advice is appreciated, especially if I’m in the wrong here.

I need someone to talk to. I 48m have been married to my 45f wife for over 20 years. She has always had self image issues and had a need to chat and flirt with other men. This drove me crazy early in our marriage but I finally found ways to be at ease with it primarily through most of these connections being a long way away, never being overly significant, and also through an eventual fantasy of watching her with someone else.

We eventuated playing with this fantasy some and had fun. In many ways it actually strengthened our relationship. We had some rules around safety and casual nature that we stuck to for a bit. After a move where she lost contact with many of her connections she broke this rule with one of the men she met. They started chatting a lot, seeing each other, and now she says she loves him.

She claims it’s nothing like what she has with me but she can’t help being in love and she wants to be Polly.

I’ve retried but this is hitting all of my insecurities, it’s making me depressed, effecting my work performance, and im just generally sad a lot. I don’t know if I can do this but I also don’t want to walk away from our 20 plus years.

My husband of 8 years and parenter of 16 has expressed interest in wanting to be in an ENM relationship, this is not something I want but said I'd be willing to try it out and see. I have no desire to see other people and feel very strongly in the ethics and meaning behind a monogamy relationship so im finding it hard to see how this works, how's it even going to happen where everyone gets what they need from the relationship.

Anyways im new to this whole thing so any advice, support, experiences would be helpful.

Hi all

I (28F) am the monogamous half of a mono-poly relationship with my partner (24F) for around 9 months, where we were monogamous for two and a half years before that.

We originally opened her side of the relationship as Im not able to provide certain things for her from an intimacy and kink side of things, which then led to her establishing kink relationships and now romantic partners

The only rule I had relationship was that I don't want to meet/know/interact etc with any of my partner's otjee partners outside of emergency contact reasons, mainly because I couldn't handle seeing anyone show my partner affection, along with a lot of smaller reasons

Recently we were talking and my partner said that 'I wasnt quite there yet' when talking to her partner about the possibility of meeting each other and that she would quite like everyone to briefly meet at some point

My partner has also recently floated the idea of her other partners meeting her family and I had a really strong feeling of resistance to the idea (reallly the first time I've had that feeling with the new dynamic), and that I would feel really uncomfortable with that happening

What im really worried about is that I in reality haven't been okay with my partner being poly and I kept it very much separate and outside of my personal bubble in a 'out of sight out of mind' kind of way. Now that my partner's polyamory is starting to crossover into that personal bubble, its revealing a lot of underlying reasons of me potentially not being okay with it

Im feeling frustrated as it feels like my partner is unconsciously trying to pull me into her poly world when that's the last thing I would want, and i feel like i have done it already with educating myself on polyamory, learning how to navigate feelings that may arise etc

Would love some guidance/advice on how to navigate this, I am feeling very confused about how this is all going to work out in the long run

Thanks! And I apologise if this word vomit is really confusing 😅

Honest in a relationship is top for me. I think we all have desire, thoughts, fantasy which most suppress. The fear of judgement.

I a open relationship we are free to explore, express our thoughts. That for me is strength and foundation that can't be destroyed.

Although I don't have those feelings of jealousy, attachment, control which sometimes makes me look cold and she feels like I don't love her. This is far from the truth.

By the way I am a one woman one life guy but I understand the makeup of human life. Which destroys us slowly. This also hurts her

This post may be long, bear with me - I feel like my past is complicated.

For reasons involving trauma and body issues, I (straight 39M) was what you'd call an extremely late bloomer. I was a sex-repulsed asexual until my late 20s. I always felt so strongly that friendships could be just as close and important as romantic relationships.

I met a friend in my early 20s who I became roommates with, and he and I grew closer slowly and naturally over time. He has noticeable autism, which may be linked to why he is also a sex-repulsed asexual. 15 years later, and we are still living together, sharing the cost of the house I bought - we currently share a bed (without any sexual inclination whatsoever), we do hug, we do not make out, we don't have sex in any form. We have mutual friends and we have our own separate friends that we spend time with on our own. But we love each other, we're best bros, and we're not afraid to say that.

As I worked on unpacking my past, learning to love myself, to trust, and to be vulnerable again, I discovered my sexual (and more traditionally romantic) side for the first time. A deep desire to have a connection of that level arose when I began to fall for a long-time friend. I sat down with my best bro to talk about it, because in many ways, we did operate like a couple. He was fine with me pursuing a possible romantic relationship. I did not do so with the woman I'd fallen for at the time - I took my time - but someone else came along, who was already partnered but described herself as polyamorous, and suggested that I was probably poly too, since I did love my best bro and also wanted another relationship.

It did not work. She would throw her "nesting partner" aside to obsess over me, and then when she felt too close, she tossed me aside to chase a new person. One of us was always playing the third wheel. Fast forward to more recently, I dated a polyamorous woman for 3 years. Loved her deeply, wanted to spend my life with her. After a couple years of intense devotion to each other and what I thought was love, she was off chasing a new high too. If I even questioned things, I was told to back off, that she was poly, and I was encouraged to find other partners to make up for the abandonment, until she eventually dumped me for another man who wanted her to be monogamous with him.

I know in retrospect, these were also unhealthy relationships in which I was struggling to establish boundaries, something I'm learning to do right now. Thing is, I can count on my fingers how many people I've ever felt attraction for. When I'm in a romantic relationship, I feel zero drive to pursue anyone else or even look at them. Attraction doesn't come easy for me, once I love someone, my love for them does not fade. I feel naturally inclined to one person, and am fully satisfied with them. I'm not opposed to experimenting but the poly situations just left me feeling like I was broken and incapable of feeling the way they feel.

It's left me so confused. Friends and partners labeled me as poly because I have a partnership in my life that isn't considered normal for a friendship, but it's also not normal for a romantic relationship either. I would like a mutually exclusive romance in the future, but have been told by monogamous friends that they'd never date someone who had a live-in best friend like that. I spent copious amounts of time one-on-one with my girlfriend, shared the same bed with her when we spent nights together, etc, my bro doesn't insert himself into it and in fact tends to shy away from most people in general. I took my ex on romantic getaways for weeks, we talked about going cross-country for a few months just the two of us, working remotely, so it wasn't like my broship was interfering with my romantic life, at least not from my perspective? I don't think I'm poly and I'm not sure I can even be happy dating another poly person, even if they were treating me more like a person, but I feel like monogamous people are not okay with my deep sense of friendship either. I can't just throw away a 15 year friendship, force him to move out of the house and live by himself. We love each other, it's just a different kind of love - but I also yearn so deeply for a romantic love too.

I'm not even sure what advice I'm looking for here, maybe reassurance that some monogamous people would be open to understanding and considering a relationship with me - or maybe the hard truth from folks that no, I can't expect monogamy in my situation. Just feeling like I have to choose between a possible future romantic partner and my bro.

TL;DR: My bf (27M) and I (27F) have been together 2 years. He’s bisexual and feels like he’s missing out on experiences with men, while I want a monogamous relationship. He wants both me and the freedom to explore, but I’m not comfortable with that. We love each other but might want incompatible things long-term.

Hi everyone,

I (27F) have been with my boyfriend (27M) for 2 years and I’m feeling really conflicted about our future.

We love each other a lot. He’s bisexual and I’m pansexual. When we first started dating, he told me he was bi — I had no issue with it and was fully supportive. I was actually the first person he came out to.

Recently, he’s been opening up about feeling like he’s missing out on experiences with men. He’s never had that, and he’s said that if we stay together long-term, he worries he’ll always feel like he didn’t fully explore that part of himself. He’s described it as a kind of grief.

At the same time, he tells me he loves me, wants a future with me, and is scared of losing me.

The issue is that he wants both — a committed relationship with me, but also the freedom to have experiences with men. And I just can’t do that.

I want monogamy. I’ve tried to be open-minded about open relationships/ENM, and while I can understand it, it doesn’t feel right for me. It feels like a hard boundary.

What makes this harder is that I don’t feel the same way he does. Even though I’m pansexual, I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. I feel happy and fulfilled with him.

So now I feel stuck between two options:

• Stay, and risk him building resentment or regret over time

• Or leave (or take a break), and lose a relationship I genuinely love

He’s worried that taking a break would just turn into a breakup. I’m starting to feel like a break might actually be the most honest option, because I don’t know how to stay in something where I know there are needs I can’t meet.

I don’t want either of us to settle. I don’t want to build a life where there’s always a “what if” in the background.

We’re planning to go to counselling, but I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s been in a similar situation. What did you do? Did it work out?

Thanks in advance ❤️

I'm (f23) mono (afaik), and my girlfriend (f27) is poly, which I was aware of, but she thought she'd be okay being 100% monogamous for me. She recently caught feelings for a friend, which sparked all this. We've been dating 11 months and broke up for a few days last week over this due to a breakdown in communication where we both were just far too emotional to discuss it rationally (first time that has happened, and we now know we can't communicate if we're that elevated).

I will be honest, I wasn't super open to discussing this before, but after the break up I realized that it shouldn't have come to that and we needed to have many long, deep, honest conversations, which we've been having and will continue to have.

Basically, what she wants is to maybe be able to have sex with her friends, because to her sex is something fun which makes her feels good, and she likes to make others feel good too, especially friends she cares about. She said nothing may ever even happen between her and the friend she caught feelings for, because neither of them think that's a good idea right now, and because I am not ready for anything real to happen yet. She doesn't want other girlfriends, she doesn't want to go on apps, she doesn't want to actively search for dates/sexual partners, she just wants to leave this door open for potential exploration, and she said I'd be free to do the same.

It isn't what I envisioned when we first started dating, but I love her so much and I am willing to try it, as this scenario sounds like it could potentially be really fun. I don't know for sure if it's sustainable but I want to try and learn for myself how I feel about this. I know I'm not okay with her properly dating or planning a future with others, but I'm sexually adventurous and we've had some fun just discussing hypothetical scenarios relating to this. I haven't found myself being particularly jealous of the friend, in fact I was upset she wasn't supporting my gf enough when we were temporarily broken up.

I'd really just love any kind of thoughts, comments, or advice about this, especially if you have experience with a relationship like this. Thank you in advance!!

I'm the monogamous one in my marriage, my husband has...well, I'm not even sure he's poly exactly. But he's at least open to meeting new people and see what happens. He recently started talking with a woman online 3000 miles away. 3 weeks in, they caught feelings. Another week, they're in love. Now, they're planning a summer meet up, possibly her moving here for a period of time, etc, etc. My husband loves very easily, and with me working all the time and him being a stay at home dad...he got lonely. Our marriage did need some work (accountability on my part) and he had some fundamental needs that were not being met for him to be happy.

I genuinely worry, more than anything, that these two very lonely people who do get along well for now...are taking it way too damn fast. Like, unreasonably fast. And I'm so worried he's going to get wrecked by rushing into all of this. It's been rough on our own relationship, because it's happening too fast for me to even process. But I don't know how, or if I even should, step in and tell him to be cautious. This is his first experience finding a girlfriend and also managing his wife's needs...but honestly, he's so hell-bent on making this thing last forever, I don't think he'll even listen. And I'll be there to pick up the pieces.

Any advice? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Me (36 m) and my partner (35f) have been dating for 3 years as a monogamous couple. Since the beginning I knew she was more of an open person and she knew I was more closed. Regardless of that, we have built an amazing relationship. We laugh everyday, we feel safe and supported, our intimacy feels great, and it’s been the strongest relationship either of us have ever had. But now it’s time to get the ball rolling to open things up because I’m feeling curious about it and what it can do for our relationship.

That said, I’m completely new to this with no prior experience so my list of concerns might be a little longer than normal. I just generally want to know how people navigate their jealousies and insecurities. I plan on sharing mine with her as we start to embark this journey together. We are also starting to read “polywise”. I guess I also want to know if there was anybody who was apprehensive of making a transition from mono to ENM but found a way to feel better/re-program theiru conditionings. I tend to be a pretty loyal person when it comes to relationships of any kind.

I know there’s no magic answer and I’m very aware that in the end I may not fit into this lifestyle. But I feel I owe it to myself and to our relationship to have new experiences and gain new perspectives to see what jives. My Curiosity is still on a higher pedestal than me just trying to appease my partner (I know if something isn’t feeling right, I’ll let her know right away and not let it build up inside)

*And please don’t respond with a “here’s a mono dating poly situation that won’t work” or “get out of the relationship if you don’t think you can hang”. I’m here to learn for myself what does and doesn’t work

So, I've been with my partner officially for about a year now. We've known each other for about 7 years, with them moving into my place about 5 years ago to get away from their abusive family (my partner is transfem non-binary and their family was rigid military).

They have me as their life-partner, they had two romantic partners (now down to one), and I just found out that they have an indeterminate number of play partners.

Now I am very much not about that life, but my partner means everything to me, so I've been trying to learn how to deal with all these new things, but I feel like I'm at the redline constantly. I am jealous all the time because we used to be intimate before they started HRT, but since then they aren't attracted to men anymore. We have our time maybe once a month if I'm lucky, but they also go be with their other partners once a week, and that's been really difficult for me. It makes me feel undesirable on top of everything else.

I don't like hearing about their other partners because it makes me feel inadequate. They promised that they wouldn't bring them up, but my partner wants to share everything with me, that's what makes them happy. I don't want to meet their other partners, I don't even want to know their names, but me feeling this way makes my partner feel unloved, so what do I even do about that?

I just want to be with them. I already told them "'till death," so I'm not going anywhere, but I also don't want them to leave either, so I need help.

I really don't know where to start, so I'm seriously begging you guys. Help me make this easier for both of us. Anything, give me any advice, please.

EDIT FOR SOME DETAILS: My partner and I have both pledged "'till death," so that part isn't just a one-way thing. They're autistic, so one of the issues is that they literally cannot understand the concept of being jealous, nor can they understand that sex means something important to me because they just view it as something fun to do. They literally cannot see it as anything else. They have also adopted a 100% honest way of thinking after having to lie about who they were to their entire family. I understand how important that is to them, but I also know myself well enough to know that sometimes the truth can rip your guts out.

Hello all. Me (25M, mono) and my partner (27F, poly) are in a Mono-Poly relationship about a year and a half now. We're in a very good spot overall with setting boundaries and communication and our relationship feels very strong. We had been functioning as almost an exclusive relationship until about the 1st year of our relationship. Through effort I have managed to overcome most feelings of jealousy as my partner has been very supportive and always is when I talk to her about my feelings on the matter. But sometimes it just feels harsh and lonely even though there is a support system in our relationship. sometimes insecurity gets the best of me and I overthink. It was and still is a bit hard for me to adjust to this, especially adding the long distance between us and the craving I have for touch, but I truly respect her wishes to be more autonomous and I want her to be happy as we have been so far in this environment. I keep trying and I plan to keep trying because I want to, not because I'm afraid. Any advice for someone navigating these feelings? What have your mono/poly LD relationships been like? What was something that made it easier for you to adjust? thanks in advance.

I (36F) have been with my partner J (46M) for 4 years now, he is poly and married, his wife insists on parallel and hierarchical roles. I have never met her or even talked to her. We started out as fwb but over time I realized just how "healthy" of a relationship we had (as healthy as poly can be) and I caught feelings. He calls me his girlfriend but I feel more single than ever.

I get him two nights out of the week, which is a step up from what I used to get a year ago. We used to go to events together but anytime I ask for time on the weekends something comes up with her that causes him to be unable to go. I asked for more time and it caused an argument between the two of them. Everything he does has to be approved by her.

I have had multiple talks with him about my feelings and even told him I would like to find a nesting partner which he is not exactly happy about but says he won't say no because he has no room to talk. It's hard because I don't really think he understands how hard it is on me, not having any rights or say in much of our relationship.

I am not really sure what I am looking for but maybe advice that this is going to get better or not. Maybe I should just cut my losses while I am not ahead?

Update: Thank y'all for the advice, I really appreciate it. I am going to give it a few days to really mull all of this over and make a decision then. Much love to all of you ❤️

Good morning, I'm M(28) and she's F(28). Our relationship started out monogamous, and we've been together for over a year. In December of last year, through her therapy, she felt and discovered she's polyamorous, meaning she feels and believes she gives love to multiple people. In the meantime, she met him, M, and now she's coming from another polyamorous situation (she already has another partner). She obviously told me everything, she didn't hide any of this from me. But now we come to me. I met him, we've even gone out several times to talk about how it works, both on their part and what I need to work on to ensure everyone's enthusiastic. I've currently been in therapy for a little over a month, and obviously I only talk about this with the therapist. Unfortunately, I personally still have a hard time thinking about them sleeping together, or even having moments of intimacy. I love her so much, I'm happy she's in my life, but I'm incredibly afraid of feeling left out, or simply the one who always has to say yes or no, based on compromises. I feel good having everything with her; I don't feel like I'm feeling love for anyone else or simply having sexual experiences outside of her. She's only had sexual experience with him, not with anyone else. She's already had one night of agreed-upon sexual encounters. At first, it went well, but during the night and the next day, I said I felt so down and unsettled. We often find ourselves arguing about my insecurity about this path. I trust her, and him, and I also know that with him I can develop a great, lasting friendship. But the fact is, I see a home with her, a roof over my head, and everything that comes with being a couple in an intimate situation. I'd like to talk more about this, and if you have specific questions about what we agreed or said about all this, I'll answer. I'm looking for a lot of help. Besides my therapist, the only place I can talk about this is here. I don't have many friends, and especially my family obviously sees this as a total disappointment if I were to talk about it or explain it. I'm struggling a lot. We're doing very well on certain things, and there's progress. I've already managed my jealousy toward him better, but in certain situations I'm afraid of having reactions that could undermine our relationship.

Hello all. My partner/friend (don’t know what to call it tbh) and I have feelings for each other but he is super poly and I’m super mono. We are not in a romantic relationship although it often feels like it. We don’t want to lose each other so we are communicating our emotions and thoughts, and trying to find a way to stay in each others life as friends without hurt.

As a way to better understand each other when we have vulnerable and open conversations, he has recommended me to read the ethical slut so that I know what he is taking about, have a better idea of how his brain works and learn certain phrases such as compersion.

He is also willing to read a book about monogamy to do the same. To understand how my brain works and what I need in a relationship (and why). It feels like we are walking past each other sometimes because we both don’t understand how the other side is.

Unfortunately I do not know such a book for me to recommend. Is there a book on monogamy that would give him the tools to understand my side of things? I will read it myself first to see if it resonates with me and then recommend it to him. Thank you!

My (31F) poly bf (37M) have been together 5yrs and mono/poly 3.5yrs. I realized this week that I had a lot of unresolved issues with our primary relationship and the biggest being that he openly pines for new women in front of me and his kids. He wants to pursue a new person, but I asked him to hold off because I felt like he was stretching himself too thin. He has a fwb relationship with a colleague that I didn't approve of because she admitted that she was actively cheating on her husband, which i dont believe is ethical. Between his time with her and finding time to spend with me, I told him that I felt like he was going to neglect me again. Before, he would bulldoze through my feelings about him pursuing someone and would actually neglect me. This time, he asked me if it was okay and I said no because of above reasons. Well, he started taking to talking about how much he pined after them instead, which led to a major emotional breakdown from me. I was able to share my feelings, which led to a good night. Until...

Tonight, he tried to tell me that he was putting in effort by coming home and spending time with me watching TV, but I put dinner together for him and gave him a massage. He feels frustrated that im dismissing his efforts to make our relationship work, but my concern was that he was more excited about planning dates with new potential partners than planning one for us. Spending time together isn't the problem. It's that he won't ask me out on a date. For the last 5yrs, ive been the one to ask him on a date and plan it. He asked me on a few casual dates in the 1st month of dating and planned a backpacking trip 5yrs ago, but that's it. Now he's telling me that he believes the action of "dating" is to get to know someone, but he knows everything about me, so he doesn't want to ask me out on dates. He simply doesn't believe in it and that im the one who believes in dating in the relationship so it falls on me to do it. Finally, I asked him what he considers as keeping the relationship alive and he described 1) showing up to my events when he doesn't actually wanna go, 2) going to couples therapy. I see these as the bare minimum, but not keeping the spark alive.

To all the poly people in the sub, am i wrong to want more? Is this not the bare minimum?

My boyfriend and I are in a monogamous relationship for 1 year, but this seems to be his first successful monogamous situation. He has either cheated on his previous girlfriends or been in non-monogamous relationships (which he said ended badly because the girlfriends always somehow ended up getting jealous, despite them also having sex with other people). He has been very open about wanting an open relationship (for sex, not emotional connection), and I have always been clear about not being okay with that, which he accepted when he asked me to be his girlfriend.

He says I’m the only girlfriend worth being monogamous for because I don’t treat him like a cheater when he makes comments about other women (and I trust him). But he describes his desire for other women as an intense hunger, not just a want. This is something he says is painful and he physically struggles with. I’ve especially seen his pain at parties as his desire becomes even more intense when he’s not sober. He has learned over time that I feel hurt when he makes comments about other girls, so he makes them less now and I feel much more happy with him because of it. But every now and then the conversation comes up and I realize that he struggles so much with it …

I’m completely okay with my boyfriend fantasizing about other women, but I don’t understand why the thought of him kissing or doing something sexual with someone else hurts me so much. I tried explaining to him that I see sex as something special and sacred to the relationship, but he doesn’t understand. (Probably because he has used sex more as a physical thing or like a conquering or someone else, and doesn’t see much emotion in it at all). He says part of the problem he has is that he can’t understand why I would even get hurt if he would kiss someone else. He still chooses to be with me despite struggling everyday with this, and suppressing him desires so much that it even affects his libido with me… but I don’t want him to resent me.

I think it would mean a lot to him if I would give it a chance (to let him be sexual with someone else) since he says I have no evidence I would even feel bad about it. On the one hand I’m willing to try it, but just the thought of him giving another girl enough attention to seduce her makes me feel very sad. I’m wondering whether anyone has been in this kind of situation?

TLDR: any advice for someone who is monogamous who is willing to see how it feels if her partner does something with someone else?