r/monodatingpoly • u/Conflictedseal0411 • Apr 07 '26
Seeking Advice Am I overreacting?
Me (27F) and my partner (28M) have been together for about 1.5 years. I’m monogamous, while he identifies as more “monogamish” — he’s interested in sexual experiences outside the relationship, but not emotional ones.
We started discussing this about a year ago and spent a lot of time talking through boundaries and expectations. About 3 months in, he was close to exploring, but I realized I wasn’t ready, so we paused. Later, we had a threesome together, which was a positive experience and something I genuinely wanted.
Now, at 1.5 years in, I thought I might be ready to try opening things up for him. He’s been honest, reassuring, and supportive throughout, and I wanted to support something that’s important to him.
We agreed on boundaries — mainly that it would stay strictly sexual, and that he wouldn’t spend extended time with the other person. I was picturing something more like a typical hookup: meet, connect, and leave.
But when he actually went on a date, I felt overwhelming anxiety the entire time. I didn’t hear from him for almost 12 hours, and the whole thing ended up lasting about 18 hours. That really shook me. I felt alone dealing with intense emotions we had agreed to navigate together, and it made me question whether other boundaries were crossed too.
His explanation is that he was trying to be respectful and not treat the other person with dignity. He admits the date went on too long and says he should have ended it earlier. He’s been genuinely apologetic.
Since then, we’ve closed the relationship again and are focusing on rebuilding trust. I’ve told him I may not want to try this again. He understands that and has agreed to be in a monogamous relationship. However, I understand that this is a big sacrifice for him.
I guess I’m trying to understand — am I overreacting to what could be an honest mistake given this was also his first ENM experience? Or is this a sign that this dynamic just doesn’t work for me? And is it worth considering opening things up again in the future?
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u/Internal_Money_8112 Apr 07 '26
It's not about who's gonna do the biggest sacrifices in a relationship and honestly there's no way to measure sacrifices or decide which is the bigger one.
The only one who can decide if a sacrifice is worth it, is the person making it. And it seems like you are fine with sacrificing yourself for him. But I can tell that it's more likely that a person that wants to fuck others will slip and either cheat or start pressuring their partner to open up again or come to the conclusion that they need to leave the relationship, if they agree to be monogamous.
Also, the monogamous person will most likely feel insecure about themselves, always wonder and worry if they are enough for their partner or when/if they are going to cheat, ask to open up again or leave them.
Mono/Poly only works when the poly partner is among the "elite" of poly persons. Meaning they are fully understanding what their monopartner is going through and puts in all the work and effort to meet all their needs. They need to be reassuring and comforting and over and over show that they are trustworthy.
Meaning keeping any and every agreement they both have made around this. Keep promises they've made. Always be honest and transparent. Communicate on a regular basis and most of all be grateful for and understand the value of the "gift" their partner is giving.
Unfortunately... Some (way too many) polypeople has a hard time understanding or doing what's required or even giving their monoperson the amount of time they will need. They are in such hurry and pushing, agreeing to rules/boundaries without thinking them through to then realize it wasn't something they could actually do. Many times polys are seen as very selfish "cake eaters" wanting what they desire and forgetting about the turmoil of their monopartner.
Especially when they get caught up in NRE about their new shiny sex partner totally forgetting about their long term partner waiting at home suddenly getting so much less attention time and effort.
I think you should really ask yourself if this is a relationship that will make you happy in the future. Can you see yourself staying home alone with children whine he's out having fun. Can you see yourself sharing his heart because I can mostly guarantee you he will catch feelings along the way.
Personally I think his 18h first date was your first sign that he's going to have a hard time not getting lost in the new sex and mindblowing orgasms without a thought about what you'd agreed on.
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u/Curiosity_X_the_Kat Apr 08 '26
What you are describing is you agreed to a light ENM version and the second he has a chance he stayed out 18 hours bonding with the individual who was supposed to be a hook up.
So you have zero interest in poly and are allowing him to fuck around. Why? Bc he wants to? Are you ready for it to go tits up when he falls for a said hook up?
Will you then agree to poly? This is the natural progression. You stay surface level to protect the main relationship, then one of you catches feelings with their hook up.
Wants to then date their new FWB, then wants to have a girlfriend, then wants to have girlfriend and original partner on equal levels so it’s fair to everybody, but that just winds up you sacrificing and them having their cake and eating it too.
You don’t want this. Why force it?
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u/Conflictedseal0411 Apr 08 '26
I think I wanted to make it happen because I understand it’s a part of him but like you said, that 18h date really changed how I viewed this. His explanation is just that he was trying to do the decent thing and did not think it was a big deal and didn’t think too much of it. But imo, it is unfair to say that because how can he NOT think of me? This whole thing hinges on trust and it was broken so easily because of indifference
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u/Sensitive_tea666 Apr 10 '26
honestly... i speak for experience as the monogamous person in the relationship, betrayal has happened and you need to give it the thought it deserves, more so if your partner didn't do the same for you and your boundaries. you deserve this. if he is so shallow to not think about it, You stay true to your boundaries. think of what you need, your choices, wants, sexual ones too. maybe he is not the right partner to experiment like that and take these risks
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u/0bveyousPlant Apr 07 '26
I'm not sure whether this is the general consensus definition, but to me monogamish means a couple is basically monogamous 95+% of the time, except you have a little more leeway to flirt or take advantage of opportunities that present themselves (casual threesome, random hookup, etc), not that you are actively seeking out dates.
But regardless of the definition, if I left the house without contact for 18 hours for any reason, sexual or not, my spouse would be quite worried (and vice versa)
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u/Conflictedseal0411 Apr 08 '26
Honestly, that was the idea and understanding too. But we live in a society where it is not common to hit on other people actively and is frowned upon so the only way was to actively search on dating apps. He has been very transparent with the people he was speaking to about the situation.
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u/Major_Fox9106 Apr 30 '26
18 hour first date is absolutely insane!! When you’re supposed to be not building emotional connections???
I could give him 6 hours at the absolute max. He has shown you very clearly the first chance he got that he will not be able to hold agreements, communicate, or separate emotions. He will definitely fall into NRE traps. He is not a safe person to explore poly with. Jesus this really could not have gone worse IMO, he immediately validated your fears.
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u/momusicman Apr 07 '26
Your husband is going to have a lot of dates to get to the point where he has any kind of outside sex life that doesn’t require a romantic evening. That is the part that needs work on your part if this is going to succeed.