r/stayathomemoms • u/Marlasinger2-0 • 8d ago
Discussion Play group vent
I’m trying to get better about play dates/groups so that we both get social interaction but today made me feel like I never want to have another play date again lol. My son is 18m and so far has met all milestones except for speech. One of the moms at the play group has a child who’s autistic, and she kept making comments that my son is too, specifically about his lack of speech and the “way he was playing”. It became the full topic of conversation in the group about how I need to get an evaluation ASAP and it all made me feel so bad like I’m failing my child or missing something. I have brought up speech to the pedi and she’s not concerned and has never had any concerns about his development. But wtf? Am I wrong to be upset like this was mean girl behavior? Or am I wrong if I don’t take it seriously? I’m so annoyed that I finally went to a group and this is what happened.
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u/New-Editor-8177 8d ago
WOW! That’s wild lmao. I don’t blame you at all for feeling uncomfortable. I would definitely find a new group but that’s just me. You’re doing what you have to do as a mother by expressing your concerns to your child’s doctor. Maybe she thought she was being helpful but I would have just kept that to myself. This is a play date not an autism evaluation appointment.
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u/Marlasinger2-0 8d ago
It was just a public group at the library so luckily no one that I had a real connection to haha. I agree completely!
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u/Plop-a-dop 8d ago
ugh that sucks and sounds so stressful. I will say, if you're in the US, I think early intervention can be great (we got a referral for speech at 15 months because I was concerned - after the evaluation they said he didn't need intervention, and he started talking up a storm by age 2, but I was glad we got the peace of mind and would have been glad to get help if it would have benefitted him). but that's a conversation for you and your pediatrician, not a random mom who is trying to diagnose your child. and 1.5 isn't even old enough to diagnose autism anyway. try not to stress about it - imo it sounds like she's stressed about her own child and wanting to bring others into the club with her.
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u/Marlasinger2-0 8d ago
Yes I plan to mention it when we go next and get the referral! I called early intervention myself but they have a waitlist right now in my area, hoping that by the time we go we get moved up or that the referral helps. I wasn’t too concerned until the comments got into my head but your last thought feels spot on!
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u/accountforbabystuff 8d ago
So a mom kept bringing it up and then the entire group affirmed he needs an ASD assessment? That sounds inappropriate. Even if he ends up needing speech therapy, he is SO young and a lot of doctors will wait until 2. And speech delay means he’s autistic? Lining toys up is also not at all a red flag either. I would never go up to a mom and tell her I think her child needed a diagnosis. Wild. Were you sensing mean girl energy?
I suppose that the autistic child’s mom could have been coming from a good place, maybe you expressed some concern over your child’s speech and she wanted to share how helpful the diagnosis was and the other moms echoed that it would be a great place to start? Could it have been something like that where they thought they were going off of your concern first?
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u/Marlasinger2-0 8d ago
They weren’t outright agreeing but also weren’t changing the conversation or going with it when I would try to change the conversation. Some of them knew each other prior and some were new like me. It was a weird dynamic regardless 🤪
It started by us all exchanging the kids ages and we started talking about their little quirks or cute stories. Then she picked up on me mentioning that he doesn’t talk much and she RAN WITH IT 😂
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u/Signal_Chart_3343 6d ago
exactly what you said! i have three kids ,my oldest is 12 and autistic.This mom at the group has no idea what she is talking about and even if she did she has no right to give you her opinion.Take the speech development up with a professional if you are worried and dont listen to random people at baby groups.Also jumping from an 18 month old possibly being speech delayed or 'playing in a certain way' to an autism diagnosis is such a stretch!
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u/lordhuron91 8d ago
My SIL is like this. After she was diagnosed with autism, she started commenting on everyone else's behavior including my sister's kids, diagnosing everyone.
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u/KrystleOfQuartz 7d ago
Gosh I’m pissed for you. You should go back to the playgroup and mess with her lol. I personally wouldn’t let her get away with being so rude. 😅 give it right back girl.
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u/Proof_Coach2559 7d ago
That’s so hard, i have a best friend who also has an 18 month old who only says maybe one word. I’ve hinted to her that she should see a speech therapist but i’d never tell her i think he’s autistic cause im not a dr. Im all for being proactive but that’s such a sensitive topic im sorry you went through that
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u/Ok-Material-2266 8d ago
That is pretty out-of-bounds for that mom. I'm not sure she was trying to be malicious but at some point it is just rude. She can bring it up out of concern, but 18 months is pretty early to have a diagnosis especially if speech is his only delay. My son has been in speech since he turned 2 but that was at the recommendation of our ped. Listen to your mom gut, and I don't blame you for not wanting to go back to that group.
Some kids just start speaking late. Not everything is a sign of autism.
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u/BumblebeeSuper 8d ago
I wish I was there to break the conversation up for you. I make it a specific point to not make comment on any parents children's skills in a negative way.
Unless the parent is specifically asking me questions, I'm not raising it. You know why? I'm not a qualified expert. I have my whole life experience because my brother is deeply autistic but never officially diagnosed until he was an adult so I've seen how it can present from birth right through to adulthood and realistically, autism isn't the end of the world.
So when parents are out there just trying to have a breather, I'm not encouraging or engaging in conversations that turn into a diagnostic session.
It happens, but I don't think it is right.
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u/Marlasinger2-0 8d ago
Yeah it was wild, I tried changing the topic a few times and then she would circle back. The other moms were just going with the flow whichever way the convo went. It was viscous but it was A LOT and to your point yes I was just trying to get out of the house and give me and my son social time. I didn’t want a lecture or advice in that moment lol.
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u/BumblebeeSuper 8d ago
She really hyper fixated on that, hey. Even with the topic changes. Lady needs to get a hobby.
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u/RelevantAd6063 8d ago
my daughter was communicative but had few words until around 21 months. my son is 16 months and says 3 or 4 words reliably, but super communicative like his sister was. i’m not worried and you shouldn’t be either. it was weird that this mom kept talking about this and wouldn’t let it go.
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u/angieeeeee97 8d ago
My baby has a best friend (they’re both 18 months) and she wasn’t talking at all, and her best friend’s language just EXPLODED like last week, without the need for intervention. If your doctor isn’t worried I wouldn’t either, some babies just take a little more time
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u/ams42385 8d ago
I just make things more awkward but kind of on purpose. I had someone comment on my baby who wasn’t quite crawling yet but her older cousin was. I just said “yeah she’s pretty lazy” and the girl walked away. Mind you she is one of the fastest kids in her class now. Some kids just don’t talk as much. Mom may have been trying to find some common ground and went about it in a bit of a pushy way. Other new moms probably felt just as uncomfortable and didn’t know what to do. Maybe give it another go and steer clear of her, maybe she won’t be there or politely (or not lol) tell her you don’t have those concerns at this time.
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u/megerrolouise 7d ago
I wonder if that mom is still struggling with/processing her own child's diagnosis.
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u/Suspicious-Club27 6d ago
Listen to your doctor and not side chair psychologists/doctors who know nothing but what they read online or are told by others. I went through a similar situation, my sister lives in another country and met my son for the first time who’s four this year. He has something called apraxia of speech, which makes it difficult for him to pronounce words and makes it sound like he’s talking gibberish. He’s insanely social though and loves to talk and will talk to anyone/everyone, he just doesn’t get understood. We actually did get him assessed for autism, and they said he doesn’t have it and not to worry. My sister worked with autistic kids in university 10 years ago and wouldn’t stop going on and on about how he’s autistic. How she knows this stuff and the person who assessed him is wrong. She doesn’t even know anything about apraxia of speech but said his diagnosis was wrong and it’s definitely autism. He shows no other signs other than speech delays. One night she got drunk and would not stop saying it and talking about it and it pissed me off to no end. There’s nothing wrong with being autistic, but we know our kids and doctors know more as well than these people trying to act as if they’re the most knowledgeable on the subject. It put a really sour taste in my mouth and I had to put my foot down cause I was getting so frustrated. She said she was coming from a place of care, but I agree with you it’s mean girl behaviour. Not only that but just narcissistic as well to go around diagnosing people let alone kids. Sorry you had to go through that mama. Don’t give up, they’ll be normal mothers who won’t treat you that way.
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u/Signal_Chart_3343 6d ago
how the f could that other woman possibly know that your 18 month old child is autistic? Shes a weirdo and being completely out of line. Try not to let her put you off ,avoid her or find a different group. Youre not wrong to be annoyed.I have an autistic child and theres no way she can diagnose your toddler ,within a short interaction based on his lack of speech and 'how he was playing'.She is so rude .
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u/FanndisTS 8d ago
I mean... when was the last time you spoke to the ped about speech, and how delayed is he? Delays can be a lot easier to spot in a group of kids the same age. My son has a minor gross motor delay and we got him evaluated by the county around 14 months in case he qualified for services (he didn't), but the pediatrician only referred him because I asked about it. He's still not walking independently at 16 months and we're going to get him re-evaluated if still not walking independently at 18 months.
I think your son is too young for an official evaluation for autism, but it's not too early to get services/speech therapy.
ETA: Peds see our kids for like 15 minutes every 3 months and a lot of kids are shy so they're often not able to evaluate skills firsthand. That's what further evaluation is for.
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u/Marlasinger2-0 8d ago
Our pedi does visits at 12,16,20,&24 months. At his 16 month appointment (most recent) I mentioned speech and she said he was on track and she wasn’t concerned but that we would readdress at his 20 month visit in July. He says mama, dada, ball, doggy, star, and random other stuff- sometimes he will say a word once and then not again, he does babble too. She also had me fill out an evaluation sheet and he scored a 2-3 which was “low to moderate”. I don’t remember specifically if it was milestones for that age bracket or related to autism specifically.
The other mom mentioned his playing too- how he would stack toys or line up toys. I guess I never knew that was a red flag? He likes blocks and the whole point is to stack them? lol. Idk. I’m overthinking now because it threw me for a loop!
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u/Redberry1903 8d ago
It can be so stressful worrying that your toddler is behind. Sounds like she rubbed off some of that anxiety on you. Does he understand you ? If you tell him to point to things does he know what they are ? Can he follow directions ? Just wanted to say that I was worried about a delay in speech and when I brought it up to the ped at her 2 year appt he told me to give her 6 more months and then come back if I was still worried. At her 2 year appt she had maybe 10 words , similar to yours (dada, mama, ball, cat etc). She’s 27 months now and her language exploded at about 26 months. She has so many words now and had new words every day. I could tell she wanted to communicate (she would always put her hand on her mouth but she wouldn’t repeat words or try and say them ) she did a lot of pointing and grunting , but now she actually repeats words.
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u/Marlasinger2-0 8d ago
Yes to all of your questions! As my pedi says he has a lot of language just not a lot of speech yet. He also uses some signs and shakes his head yes and no. Right now he’s very whiney which I always associate with frustration because he knows what he wants or what he wants to do but can’t communicate it fully. Once I figure it out the whining stops 🤪 I’m hoping with some more time he has that burst of speech like your daughter did!
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u/FanndisTS 8d ago
It sounds like he's not super delayed then, I thought by the post that he was completely nonverbal. I think in his case it makes sense to wait and re-evaluate. Lining things up more than other kids is a classic sign of autism passed around in communities of autistic parents but I don't think it's a big deal on its own (especially if he makes eye contact about the same as average). I lined stuff up all the time as a kid (pattern blocks were my favorite) and I'm not autistic.
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u/Marlasinger2-0 8d ago
I also think he’s around a lot of older kids which affects how he plays- he’s the youngest in our family and within our friend groups by far. So when he plays he typically is playing by himself or just running after the big kids. When we went to the group today he naturally did his own thing and I’m hoping with time he will engage with his peers more but it is new to him and to me! He would go over to them and smile and try to hug them and then run back to his blocks lol.
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u/Impossible-Berry-194 8d ago
That other mom is weird.