Last night, after years of silence, I decided to permanently close the window and cut off social media access to the four family members who always made me feel like less than.

I kept the window open for too long.

Maybe part of me wanted them to have a glimpse every now and then, just so they could see from a distance that I was okay and doing well.

But the thing is—why?

What does it matter when it’s been 4 years since I spoke to my mother, 10 years with one sister, 10+ years with my brother, and 3 years with my other sister?

I posted a story on Facebook—a compilation of photos.

They were all good enough to watch from the shadows, lurking, but I was never good enough for them to acknowledge, include, or apologize to.

I was always the isolated one on the outside.

So last night, I officially closed the window and laid down my brick wall.

Last night, I sat in the heavy pain and isolation of that choice.

It’s a lonely place to be.

But I realize this exact pain is why I started writing.

They will no longer be part of my journey or my next steps, watching from a distance in hopes of seeing me fail.

I am turning to my story and exposing the truth.

My writing is not soft, clinical, or therapeutic advice.

I don't have all the answers.

I talk about my real-life CPTSD, the trauma in my nervous system, and maternal trauma exactly how it feels.

If they ever notice they are blocked, that's on them.

But the reality I'm sitting with today is that I was never truly a part of that family, and they spent almost my entire life making sure I felt it.

I became someone they could creep on and talk about amongst themselves, as if they actually know my truth.

I don't feel a grand sense of relief.

I just feel the flat reality of being completely on my own.

Which is probably the safest place for me and my kids.

My journey to healing began a long time ago, but I never fully understood it until recently, when my nervous system exploded into chaos.

I traced it all back to the years I spent in hell as a child, just trying to survive one day at a time.

Now, I am letting that child grieve.

Letting her open up about the atrocities that happened.

And learning to finally let go.

I'm holding my head up high because I’ve always been good enough, even if they never saw it.

I’ve read a few of the posts on here, and for the first time, I don’t feel alone.

idk how to add more flairs but i also need support and this post needs a heavy TW

i am AMAB, 18. i'm not out yet, haven't transitioned yet, so i continue to live as a boy. not sure if this matters to the post.

last year i was in 12th grade. things were going really well. i was doing amazing in academics, i had a huge confidence, i had good friends, social circles, a healthy sleep schedule, loving parents and a supportive brother.

and then i made the mistake of love. i fell in love with another guy. and i thought he liked me back because he gave me a lot of mixed signals and he genuinely reciprocated back a lot of times. looking back, he was simply queerbaiting, like all straight men (sorry i'm just very upset i don't mean to send hate to anyone)

and i confessed my love to him. he rejected me, obviously, no harm in that. but he outed me as gay and that ruined everything. lost my friends, lost my confidence, everything plummeted down. and then came the S A that absolutely crushed and humiliated me. that went beyond to cyberbullying, and other form of threats.

now everyone would say, i should have ignored them. and i know, but i was weak and foolish and an utter idiot. i let it get to me. i already had clinical depression for years and this worsened everything. i fell back on grades, i lost my social circle, i had nobody by my side. i tried telling my mother, she dismissed me. i didnt dare tell my father or brother.

and then i had anxiety and panic attacks. i got bullimia and severely sick before exams. i fucked up, i ruined them, i got bad grades, and possibly no prospect of getting into university this year. all in all, i ruined my life by falling in love. i would suggest people to never get in love ever again.

when my parents and brother saw my abysmal results they assumed i was faking it and lying about my progress (i was not) and i got severely punished by them. i still carry every trauma everyday. my brother suggested locking me up in the house until there is a satisfactory result from my side aka i get into college, and thats where i'm rotting now. i'm done for. my life has come to an end and i don't care how many people say i have a chance, but i don't. i don't see it. i have lost all hope in myself and god and other people. nobody appreciates me anymore. i've given up on this life and i pray my next life is less cruel to me.

the boys who S A'd me are more successful than me now. i'm glad for them. i don't know what to feel. anger and resentment won't help, so i'll just be happy for them. they worked hard, they deserved it. i didn't.

whoever reads this, i beg you, please don't ever break anyone's heart by baiting them. no matter what you do, don't give them false hopes of love. don't destroy them like they destroyed me.

Well... I need help

Just to recap, I was in an incestuous relationship with my stepbrother, who is twice my age. I've talked about that before. After that I was kicked out of my house and have been supporting myself (even though I was born in 2010) and luckily, covering my expenses includes continuing therapy. My psychologist has given me time to talk about this.

I feel like a used toy, an expired can, or just trash. He was my everything, he was my brother, and then I thought he was the love of my life, and it sounds so silly when I write it that I disgust myself. I want to die.I don't know what to do now. I'm afraid to accept that this was grooming and not just a "teenage fantasy." I also don't want to think that he's entirely to blame. Every day I just want to wake up and wish this had never happened. I miss my life before this. I don't know if it was her fault, but it depresses me to think it was. I wish I could just take all the responsibility myself.

Hello,

My Dad sexually abused me in early childhood and I have clear memories of this occurring.

For a while because of how anxious I got trying to recall what had happened properly and thinking other people would think I had done something wrong as my son’s Dad also sexually abused me and my son I was prescribed antipsychotics.

My Mum also did this with her new partner.

During this time I became confused about who had done it because of the antipsychotics and thought potentially my Uncle had done it which was not the case.

I also panicked a lot at being forced to have relationships with abusive family members who convinced other people I was mentally unwell and that no abuse had ever occurred.

I don’t have any relationship with my extended family now which is easier for me as they cover up for the people who sexually abused me and my son and they can bully me in person and this makes me panic which I feel increases their bullying towards me.

My ex partner - who abused me and my son has also taken me to court and beforehand was threatening me and telling me that he would get full custody of my son but has been telling people he agrees to going back to 50/50 when he doesn’t.

He also does not want me to talk to the police or anyone else about what has happened.

Is there anything people can recommend on coping with this situation?

It makes me feel extremely bad and that I have failed my son at not being able to protect him from his Dad who is sexually abusive.

I am concerned that my Dad and other people may also have had something to do with hacking me.

I do not feel that anyone believes me about what has happened and whenever I try to talk about it they try to say that I am crazy and should be put on compulsory mental health medications which I don’t need and that make me confused.

I’m 38 and I feel like I’m going through something so specific. I don’t even know where to seek support. Talk therapy, EMDR and medication just don’t change what happened and is happening.

My mom and I were abused by my sociopathic father. We hid it so I wouldn’t get taken from my mom. Plus, I protected my mom. He tried to kill her so many times. Gasoline. Beatings. Guns. The psychological torture. The alcohol and drugs.
But he was in a popular band and beloved by many. No one would have believed us.
I eventually ran away at 17, but close enough for emergencies.

When I was 19, my dad wrecked his motorcycle without a helmet drunk. He sustained a shearing brain injury with frontal lobe damage. They said he wouldn’t make it. But his enabling mother refused to let her son die. He made it.

Fast forward 18-19 years, his 86 year old mom was trying to be his caretaker. She was also showing signs of dementia in 2023. I called APS a million times because she was letting him drive another motorcycle and a corvette with this shearing brain injury/frontal lobe damage. He ended up in ICU from neglect and 9 broken ribs. I broke no contact and stepped in because I’m just someone who gets things handled. I can emotionally separate myself from crisis situations, but the aftermath retraumatized me so much. We were able to get my dad into a nursing home where he had a chance to get the care he needed and truly deserved. War started with my grandma and she kept breaking him out with fraudulent POA’s. She’s a notorious forger and never had a sip of alcohol or ever did drugs. Stone cold sober, brilliantly cunning and this is her only son.

She got him back and it got worse. My childhood abuser was being neglected and had 9 broken ribs and had fallen into the toilet so hard with his head, that it shattered.
He was sustaining more and more concussions on top of his brain injury.
The hospital helped us get him into a place that kept him for a year.
My grandma finally caved and went into a nursing home to be able to be back in contact with my dad. Together they get kicked out of every nursing home. My dad has star+ but he’s not covered for memory care. No place that’s equipped to handle him can take him and we can’t do self pay.
My dad threatened to kill everyone at the nursing home, screams “whore”, the hard R N-word. It’s terrible.

Meanwhile I’ve been no contact with my grandma for YEARS- especially when she interfered with my dad’s care we spent two years trying to get. She went behind my back when I was 23 and reopened a r*pe case from when I was 14. I got taken to the woods by two seniors and they had their way with me. She had gotten some forged POA over me and they were giving her $25,000 in “hush” money to drop my civil rights and sign and NDA. I only found out because I was digging through her emails while she was sleeping. I would have gotten sued had I spoken out during the me too movement. I just wanted to move forward. But she sucked me back into the nightmare of my life. I had to lawyer up against them and her. The EMDR almost killed me.

Dealing with her to help my dad, on top of dealing with my dad.
The emotional toll it took on me…
The PTSD.
The night terrors and sleep paralysis.
I have an actual heart condition and I had to switch to ivabradine because metoprolol stopped working- probably due to the stress and grief.

It’s so hard to explain to someone without similar experiences how much grief you feel, the shame for abandoning them, the immense sense of loss being no contact. I’ve been judged by non immediate family members for abandoning both of them.

Despite it all- I love them both so much. I long for the good times that were had, because it wasn’t all bad.

I don’t know how to find support SPECIFICALLY for being the adult child of abusers who I’ve had to abandon at nursing homes. I barely leave my bed. I’m not functioning. I’m in therapy. I have a great partner. Wonderful mother. Precious brother.

I forgive them. I forgive myself for having to make these hard decisions. I applaud myself for having the strength to choose myself. But, the grief swallows me whole on a daily basis. My chronic illnesses just continue to get worse. I’ve never isolated so much in my life. I’m not even recognizable from the vibrant, social butterfly I was 3 years ago. I don’t know how to start living.
I have CPTSD, OCD, I’m sober, I don’t escape my issues. I’m someone who deals with everything head on. I’ve always been fearless. But I am drowning in the ptsd/grief/shame, regardless of my logic. I am a very matter-of-fact, compartmentalized, logistical thinker with the creativity of a poet and writer.

This seems to defy logic, emotional maturity, self awareness and all of the lifelong tools I’ve acquired from therapy.

Are there others like me who have had to leave their psychopathic abusers with a brain injury, that you still love, at nursing homes like pound puppies?

I always knew this was coming, but I never expected it to destroy me like this. And, I have to stay no contact. That’s not negotiable.

Where do we go from here?

And they are never gonna change, their actions proved that their words are meaningless, accepting the things I have no control over will help me move on a lot faster, and realizing that their talk of “change” is just lies will also help keep me safe from their manipulation, and that’s what really matters in the end, they will always be unsafe to me, because they will always lie to me and themselves, they will always want something (or someone) else while telling me they don’t, they will always paint me to be the bad one even when I don’t deserve it, and then use that to justify punishing me, that kind of mental torture is too much for me to handle, I need to keep myself safe from it, whatever they are gonna do, they are gonna do, and I can’t trust them, they finally let me go, so I need to take this chance to save myself from more misery

My parents spanked me nude until 18 and have never acknowledged what they did was wrong. Even now many years later they still believe they were the best parents and have always been dismissive of my feelings regarding how they disciplined my sister and I.

This might be a bit long and I'm sorry in advance.

My ex J and I were together for about 6 years. This past fall I had to move with family, so we decided to do a long-distance relationship. He actually proposed when he came to visit shortly after the move, but he started getting very paranoid and jealous and became convinced I was going to cheat on him. (We both have BPD, and that's a big thing he struggles with.)

In January he came back down to visit. While I was asleep he went into my phone and saw messages I had sent to a (gay) man I was friends with in college years ago. J saw that and immediately assumed I was cheating on him. He woke me up by strangling me, and my dumb ass didn't walk out right then when I should've. We got food, and then he lost his shit again over the same thing. He smacked hot soup out of my hands so it got all over me and the furniture. He broke my necklace, threw my ring in the trash, and used a giant knife to slice open a huge canvas I'd given him with a collage of photos of us. Then he left and stole my phone (which he ended up mailing back a couple weeks later).

Within a couple days, the apologies started rolling in. He called my office phone nonstop. He emailed, Snapchatted, sent a dollar at a time on one of the payment apps just so I'd read the note that goes along with it. And if I blocked his email or phone number, he just created a new one and kept going. So all of this has been going on constantly since January...STILL. J also sent me screenshots to let me know that he had sent several "intimate" photos of me to the guy he thought I was cheating with.

Anyway, his behavior has been escalating. This past week I got a letter in the mail almost every single day. My birthday is coming up in a few days, and this past Thursday I got a GIANT, heavy frame....with an AI photo of the two of us dancing in a ballroom 🫠 First of all, there's NO WAY this man looked at that photo (where my arms literally look like noodles lmao) and thought it was a good idea to send it???

But because my birthday is coming up and things have been escalating, I'm genuinely concerned that J is going to try to show up here. I made it very clear to him that I'm done, but he still keeps sending things like "I just want an answer, I need closure" or "once we work through this together we'll be so much stronger" and all of that. Then also this past Thursday, he TEXTED MY MOTHER this giant thing saying all the same BS.

So yesterday (Friday) I finally went and filed for a protective order. Before I even got back home, I had an email saying the judge had signed off on a temporary injunction. The sheriff in J's state will have to serve him with the papers. Then on June 10th I have to go to a hearing about this...which J will also be at. Why, in cases of harassment or stalking, does someone think it's a good idea to put the stalker and stalkee in the same room?!

I didn't want to file for it because honestly I still care about J. That doesn't just go away. And I know this protective order is really going to hurt him, and that's not what I want. I don't even want him arrested or anything. I just want to stop having this be such a big focus in my life so I can let it go and move on and learn how to be happy.

I don't really know how to be happy, especially on my own, but I know that it's something I need to figure out. I'm trying to be comfortable alone, and it's not easy. I guess I don't really have a point for writing this. It's just a lot, and I think I needed to get this out. So if anyone has any...idk, advice or words of comfort, or if you've ever been in a similar situation and could tell me what to expect with the hearing... Honestly I'll take whatever I can get lol I'm just really struggling with all of this right now. I hope this all made sense and wasn't too rambling. Thank you if you've read this far!

They just went to rehab, and I know that after they get out they will try to contact me, things could even go back to how they were before, I know it would be good for me to have the time and space away from them, but I’m scared, scared what it’ll do to them, scared what other ppl will think, scared of how it could negatively affect me inadvertently

I can just imagine there family thinking “they were finally getting help, why did you need to do this now?” Or them throwing away their whole recovery or possibly trying to hurt themself after they find out what I’m trying to do, and that would ruin there chances at that rehab facility and maybe the rest of their life too, or them blaming me somehow for feeling the need to do this and thinking that I’m “punishing” them somehow and then they punish me because of that

I’m just scared ig, and don’t know what to do, is it even necessary? Maybe after they get out of rehab they will have changed enough to respect me and my space, maybe I should give them the chance to respect my boundaries before I do something as extreme as get the authorities involved

I’ve been reflecting on my own healing journey recently and wondered whether there is a gap in support that I’m simply not aware of.

For many years I carried what happened to me completely alone. Since disclosing, I’ve received support through counselling, mental health services, trusted friends and my partner, and I honestly don’t know where I’d be without that support. ❤️

It has made me think about how isolating trauma can be, especially when you’re living in survival mode, struggling with anxiety, PTSD, shame, fear, self-doubt, or simply trying to get through each day.

My question is:

💭 Do you feel there is a need for more survivor-led content, podcasts, YouTube channels, communities or conversations focused on healing and recovery?

Not focused on graphic details or reliving trauma, but on topics such as:

🌿 Life after disclosure
🌿 Healing and recovery
🌿 PTSD and hypervigilance
🌿 Nervous system regulation
🌿 Counselling and therapy experiences
🌿 Relationships and trust
🌿 Identity and rebuilding your life
🌿 Finding peace beyond survival mode

Or do you feel these resources already exist and I’m simply not aware of them?

I’m genuinely curious and would love to hear people’s thoughts and experiences.

Please only share what feels safe for you. 🤍

Thank you 🙏🏻

Deflection or....

I just want to see if I am being logical here or if there is more to investigate.

Background I'm (F 33) and my spouse (M 33). We've been married a decade. Within that time there has been a whirlwind of toxicity on both sides.

In 2021, i became a SAHM. During that time my spouse was messaging other women salaciously, paying for nudes, subscribed to onlyfans, and other things. I can't prove there was physical infidelity but the framework appeared as though it wasn't too far off.

I begged to be seen as a woman. I tried to be seductive and change things about myself but ultimately it was unsustainable because my motives were to win him back not because i felt a deficit within myself.

Fast forward to 2024, i decided to go back to school. I wanted a change i couldn't get from my marriage so i chose to invest in myself. I even got a part time job to pay my way through as not to put more burden on my spouse. I also decided to stop going through his phone, checking everything he was doing because it was wearing me down more than really impacting him.

Now the tides have turned and I'm completely blindsided. He goes through my phone invading the privacy of conversations with my family and friends (females). He has followed me to the gym secretly and watched me then confessed later. He called the cops on me for being 2 hrs late after taking a final. I've found him eavesdropping at the door while i converse with my sister for God's sake. The behavior he is giving me is as though I've cheated and I haven't! I literally haven't done anything out of the normal but start dreaming again.

We've been fighting a lot lately because i changed the code on my phone and won't give it to him. My reasoning is when nothing is found it's assumed i deleted something and then he invades digital conversations with MY friends and love ones just to be nosey.

On April 1st of this year an old platonic friend reached out to catch up. We had one phone call. My spouse went through my phone by taking it from my child and proceeded to tell my children, "mom and I are getting a divorce because she's cheating on me." My children wept and were mad at me and all i could was cry because it wasn't true. It was ONE conversation. He also had turned his family and friends against me by defaming my name and character. My support system speaks life to me but i feel like im fighting an uphill battle.

I can't keep living under accusations, lack of basic privacy and constant surveillance. He will even read my journals and use my motivations against me verbally.

In all this I have not picked up his phone because it's a boundary i made with myself but I'm starting to wonder if this is a deflection from what he could be doing or just plain insecurity?

I need advice I'm losing my mind!

P.S. i have my location on, my whereabouts are always known i live a VERY routine life.

i don't have the energy to retype and i worded my thoughts pretty well so i thought i'd just share that here.

"I thought, ‘’should I just give up trying to fight? completely numb myself and stop fighting and let them do whatever they want to do to me or say to me’’. But these thoughts always end with this dilemma in my mind; should I really become a husk of a person? Should I lose myself and everything I stand for, lose all my dreams and all my struggles, everything I have fought for. It quite literally feels like that’d be my first death. It feels the same as being coerced and told to stop fighting it when getting assaulted. I had this dilemma, to die by fighting or to do by not fighting.

At every point in my life, I had these dilemmas, these struggles of whether or not to let go of my sanity. But even trying to hold on to it is ruining me on so many levels. I have lost most of me. Lost such bug chunks of my memory, big parts of me. I have never met a person like me. I’m sure there are many out there, but there is no one around me that lives a life like mine or has lived a life like mine. I hate burdening my dearest ones with my issues so much, but I am such a weak, spineless hypocrite, show me a bit or kindness or be just slightly nice, and I’ll falter so very easily. I still depend on my parents for my financial needs, but if you ask me, I’d say I was conditioned to be dependent on them, since if I wasn’t, I’d prolyl have just ran away at like 13 or 14.

I know I hate the parents they are and understand them as people. But even though I know understanding why they behave the way they do, doesn’t mean I should excuse them; still, in my mind I struggle to find why they deserve my hate even though I completely understand they chain of events that led them to be what they are. It also hurts that no one bothers doing the same for me, but that feels like me begging for pity points for myself.

I can’t say so many things to my own therapist because it feels like I am faking it all, that my experiences and struggles are a cry for attention, an excuse to do bad things and get away with it. I know that not all of it is true even if my paranoia tells me so, I know that I might be the worst person I the world and still be what I am to these people, a scapegoat. They might not have control over what they do because of their psychology, it still makes them just as bad, if not more, by their own standards. I know that I haven’t harbored any ill intention to hurt someone’s feelings, or to seriously harm someone physically. The only time I have even acted with ‘violence’ was when I felt cornered or actually being a target of it.

I have so many thought I want to let out through out the day. I just thought I’d combust if I kept in any more of it. Also, a quick note, it’s day 3 after my father beat me violently and expressed his will to kill me, counting the same day as day 1. I know my brain will likely suppress memories of that happening at all or the frames of action of the occasion, so I decided to note that down in case I am gaslit, or just have trouble remembering any ways.

Even before he beat me, I knew it was coming since he decided to start being aggressive with me days ahead, 2-3 days to be precise. It starts from nitpicking, taunting and then aggressive threats and being called worthless and then whatever this is. One fun fact is, these days I get called worthless so often by like both the parents and even their daughter and although my brother doesn’t directly say it, his treatment of me and his words are very loud in telling me how worthless he thinks I am. I am so used to hearing all of it now. Maybe a subconscious part of me has even internalized it, I just haven’t realized it yet."

and another journal 1 month and two days later:

"I have been feeling so fed up. So exhausted. Really on the edge. It’s hard to pretend things don’t hurt anymore. The fact that the remarks aren’t snarky anymore. Trying to explain myself won’t work. Complaining won’t work. Who’s listening. So acting clueless has to be my go-to to protect myself from just the extreme of the attacks made everyday. But even with that. The hurt has a limit. I can’t just handle it all the time. I’m human. It hurts. Hurts so much. I want to cry too. I want to cry and have a comforting hug from my true loved ones too. The ones that don’t let me down. I want an apology too. An apology like how I apologize. When meaning to apologize. And say words without defending how it was justified but they just don’t want to put up with having to deal with my silent treatment.

I crave the presence of those who hurt me and miss every time I could experience with them. I crave how that connection with them felt while it lasted. I miss so many people who were terrible to me. All I know. While there are people who’d do the most to support me if they could, at the end of the day, all I have is me. At the end of the darkest nights, the stars who bring me comfort are all me. The little streetlamps that light those nights on my path sometimes are those who are really there for me.

I want to be so loud and scream it all. I feel like I’m speaking some other language completely undecipherable by others. Like everything that comes out of my mouth is just filtered through as my worst and problematic. Continuously misunderstood. Do I just not speak things that make sense. Do I give the impression of a bullshitter? I lie so much about I how I feel sometimes. I know no one has the space and capacity to hear me just open my wounds and bleed all over them.

It feels so vulnerable to share it at all. Every word is used against you. There’s no system that is made to help people like me. Maybe because my problems aren’t as rare or bad. I’m just supposed to deal with it. It’s just my problem and not shove it on anyone’s face. I can blame it on my parents and they can blame theirs. Just how far does the blame system stretch at all. It might be mine to handle. All my problems. Just don’t blame me when my way of dealing with these problems is too extreme for you.

I would rather end my life as soon as possible as a final act of pure rebellion. Just to fight all the expectations they have of me. I don’t even see any life infront of me. There’s no future. Not for me. What to live for at all though. The political state of the world? For whoever; the patriarchy and misogyny? The homophobia and transphobia? The classism and elitism? The brutal genocide and apartheid? the religious fundamentalism? The cruelty of human nature is endless anyway and we should be lesser in population.

I can never allow myself to be molded how they want me to me. It’s not even about want at this point, every cell in my body fights against it when I have to act out any lie or stand quiet against any injustice. It makes my nerves go weak with adrenaline. It makes me shake and feel a pang in my chest. I will never be silenced.

I wish I had something as a child that made me actually bearable for me. Someone or anyone. Why does everyone have to betray me like this. Is it my punishment for not going with what they want for me. For speaking things without filter trying to please them in order to be punished less severely for it? Why do their hurtful words sting so much. When it comes from people I wantedly or unwantedly love deeply. I am pretty sure this isn’t something new. “Oh deary, mommy issues”, or “oh deary, daddy issues” or mental health, sense of justice, not liking being hurt bla bla. But doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Having no one to lean on for 20 years and so and still having to put up with it with no end in sight feels so draining. Life is not a fairytale to be expecting any better either. Life is cruel and unbearable. My experience may be common. Maybe many people just work it out and figure it all out without help too. Salute to them. But, I’m not that strong to stay for it. Maybe I am even weak. I just don’t have anything to live for anymore.

Maybe religion would’ve prevented me from feeling this, feeling like there was some god listening to me and being there, and prayed for a miracle (spoiler alert: already did all those things and yeah here we are). Or maybe even having the fear of going to hell for trying to escape my pain in this world might’ve repelled me out of the thoughts. But even religion and god betrayed me. My existence for what I am, is all a sin itself. I have no love for me there; hence I started finding for my own meaning."

these were written at one of the lowest times in my life where i was diagnosed heavily depressed and was suicidal for months, even SSRIs didn't help. i didn't honestly note down the lowest of the lows since i didn't everything i could to distract myself from the agony. it was so bad that i skipped my periods once or twice, and i've never gotten my periods earlier or later than 2 of the set date.

i don't think i've been this vulnerable ever in my life, not even with my closest friends or therapist.

for context, my parents, especially my dad, have been very very violent and abusive towards me. and each time they're done with that, they always don't forget to say that other kids usually fix themselves after they get slight beatings, what kind of fucked creature am i to still stand up to defend and protect myself, since i was a very young child, before i even started creating memories i remember now. my sister, older and alot bigger than i was, would always beat me up and i'd fight back while being pinned under her and it'd be considered an equal fight and i'd also still be the bad guy(as a 5 year old).

as a kid i used to be so ashamed of letting anyone know i get beaten and abused at home. anyone finding out sounded embarrassing and somehow my fault. i still feel very ashamed and embarrassed to let anyone know except my childhood friend. it was a very hard thing to mention and answer when my therapist asked me about it. it felt embarrassing to choke up on my tears while i spoke.

In my pre-teens, my father would spank me with a belt rather savagely. It stopped when I was 12, but the marks on my hips that the belt left were there until I was 17-18. When he did this, I would wonder why he hated me so much. The offenses I was being punished for were always rather minor, in retrospect. Standard pre-teen boy stuff. On the one hand, I am still angry at him for doing that to me, to essentially make me see myself as unlovable. This went on to affect my relationships from then on. But another part of me still loves him. He’s my dad. There were a lot of sweet moments in my life when he showed how he loved me. I really probably need to see a professional about this, but the idea of talking about it with someone, particularly in depth, seems like something that would be re-traumatizing.

I at 22 have lived a lifetime of abuse ranging in all different forms but the worst in my opinion and experience has always been the sexual abuse it has caused me so so much trauma and pain and I can’t do simple day to day tasks without fear.

Bad things come in threes apparently so alongside it I have several chronic and mental health issues that impact me so so much on a day to day basis. I have a hard time speaking about it but do try to be somewhat open and honest when at doctor and hospital appointments.

Today was one of those days I got a letter saying go to the hospital I showed up for my appointment having only ever been there once before to meet with a consultant in which she said at some point she’d like me to get a urodynamic assessment done.

Initially I was meant to get this done a few months back but she had rescheduled. My GP messed up I’m under 4 different hospital teams for the same issue (UroGyanae) none of them communicate with each other.

I was sat waiting and a member of staff asked me to have a full bladder before I go into my appointment in the next 10 minutes so I did just that thinking that maybe I needed to get an ultrasound as last time they had me do the same thing. I was wrong!

I walk in and first thing there’s 2 other people in the room a chaperone assistant and a student. Had she said this before we went in I would have requested not to have the student present I get everyone needs to learn but I’m not a teaching moment. This already threw me way off. Then she kept talking at me and over me which was just adding onto everythingggggg else. This was strike 2 well halfway through she pulls the curtain slightly back and I see a commode in the corner and she started talking about how I had to do this that and the third before she would put not one but two catheter in. All while not having none of my notes as a lot of the questions she was asking were on the system from a few days prior.

That was obviously more than enough you got me in a small ass room with two extra people I don’t even know you and have never met you before but I’m being expected to do an assessment that is quite intimate without any warning. I visibly got upset and started crying and having a panic attack to which I was told there’s no need to cry and get upset when it was nothing. I begged to just leave she kept trying to offer a sympathetic hand getting closer each time I flinched away.

She called the scheduling team who the worker on the other side was extremely condescending saying how at 22 I should manage or they can go get my “mummy for me” and how they would not let me see the consultant (who I had met before and had no issues with) and just all around making me feel like such crap. I have experienced some realllll shit but never felt so invalidated and like in the insane one before. I haven’t stopped crying I broke down in the hallway and reception of the building because of how bad the situation ended up getting.

As I said I have 4 referrals for the same thing, well I have a urodynamic assessment scheduled on the 10th at a different hospital were the clinician is so so patient and listens to me when I’m stressed and worked up. We have had to reschedule my test till I am at a point where I feel comfortable with her doing so. It just absolutely baffles me how two people can be so so sooo different my clinician is so kind and gentle and actually listened to me when I spoke about my history with abuse and how it impacts me whereas the technician today couldn’t care less about it and just wanted me over and done with. She ended up mad at me for wasting her bag of liquid by not using it which just made me feel more guilty and as though I should just do the test to get it out the way not to make her mad.

There was so much more and she had said some really horrid things both her and the secretary whilst in my appointment. I want to do a PALS complaint but feel like maybe it is my fault and I overreacted.

A brief about me. I came from emotionally neglected family. But even now im struggling alot in my life in every aspect. therapy became venting out call. I'm done with it. It's not helping me to function day to day tasks (like eating, sleeping, excercise, going out, hygiene etc) also 😭😭

I'm looking for help . Someone who can check with me & push me to take Action not thinking, planning but push me to take action & daily accountability.

It feels extremely uncomfortable to ask for help like this. But I get stuck. I need to come out of it so badly. Or tell me how can I get proper help from real human being in healthy way ? Any support forums anything.

🚫

Creeps stay away. I'm not looking for any offline meetings or online sharing any romantic stuff. I'm exhausted with creepy DM's

Good morning all…

So I’ve been wanting to write about the abuse I went through. Sexual abuse from my earliest memories still I was 11. Physical abuse and extreme emotional abuse. I finally left when I was 14 and have been healing since. I’ve only ever written about it in therapy.

I struggle with the courage to actually get my words out. Lol even in this sub Reddit. I have moments where I want to and I feel motivated and inspired. Then it vanishes.

Also, it leaves me a bit emotional only because while I am motivated to get this out I also have to really dig up those memories and live in them for a bit. I have PTSD. Flashbacks no longer rule my life. I still have them but my response to them is managed.

Just looking for support or advice. Thank you.

Hey guys! So I don’t have driving anxiety but I’ve learned in the past few months that I have passenger anxiety. When I’m riding with others I often get very nervous and will sometimes even react to situations on the road that aren’t that big of a deal. The other day I was riding in the backseat with two close friends after a hike. I saw a stoppage up ahead and to me it looked like we were about to plow right into the cars, so I screamed loud. Scared the crap out of both of them. We still had plenty of space, he had full control, and slowed perfectly fine. My friend who was driving was so kind on the matter but I was very embarrassed afterward. It’s not the first time I’ve freaked out a bit while he’s driven me.

The scariest moments with my ex was when he’d drive erratically during an anger explosion. He’d slam his foot on the gas, drive fast, brake quickly, swerve, act like he was going to drive into something, punch the wheel or other things in the car, and all the while scream loudly. I also hate loud talking/yelling in cars now, even if not out of anger.

It makes sense to have anxiety about this now but it’s something I didn’t anticipate and I would like to get better. Anybody else have this? And does anyone have advice on how to start managing it?

I ,13M was SA'd when I was a kid by my father, from 6-11 years old, he was also involved with drugs, and protective services got involved, but the thing is, they don't know about the abuse or drugs, and they transferred me into the care of someone else because the house was in kinda bad shape because it used to be abandoned.

I have a therapist that I see, and I want to tell her about my abuse that happened, but because my mom is also trying to get me back, she doesn't want me to tell anyone.

My sister, who's an adult also still lives with him, and I want to save her to and put him in jail. I also tried to explain to mom that telling my therapist wouldn't stop the process, maybe only pause it, but she still says no. And I also don't want to have to make her move again because he knows the address because they've allowed visits around the area where she lives.

Should I tell someone? I don't want to keep it secret and I also kind of decided, but I just want a more opinions on it

I’ve been out of an (possibly?) abusive relationship for over a year, I have been non contact for over a year. I cannot relax or sleep or ever put into words how much I think about it. I don’t know how to be vulnerable enough to get help or move on. I can’t function anymore because I am so exhausted and anxious that I made it all up or something. He never hit me but he accidentally broke my nose once and then spent the next 2 years changing the story, laughing about it, and floating about it to his friends. These people are also my friends, they believed him and I never said anything cause I didn’t realize it was that bad at the time. I still can’t figure out if I’m overthinking it or if he was just nervous and made it into a joke. He did get my flowers afterwards and it was the only time he ever said I’m sorry or got me flowers. Is this normal? How do I move on from this? Does anyone know how to open up about this to a therapist or friends? Every time u try to I feel like I’m being dramatic or misrepresenting/misremembering the relationship. I loved him, still kinda do, and I am freaking out. I cannot stop thinking about how he would threaten me before and after this situation. I know (because people have told me but I struggle to believe it) that he was emotionally abusive. But looking back he would accidentally hurt me in “play fights” after I told him to stop. I don’t think he meant to but in context I’m starting to rethink it, but I also think I’m overreacting. Even if he was violently abusive, it’s been a year, I can’t do anything about it or change it. I really really struggle to talk to anyone about it. I have tried and then I always panic and pussy out. I don’t want him to be a bad memory or bad guy. When he was good he was the best person I ever met, he went through some shit as a kid and I feel very deeply for him, even now. I don’t know where to go from here. I’m pretty young and this was my first and only relationship. I’m really confused. Can anyone help me?

First of all, this will be a long post.

There is naivety here, there is probably lots to analyse and be critical of, but I genuinely just need to hear another person's thoughts. I am in a very dark place at the moment, mentally. I have absolutely no one to talk to about any of this. So please try to be helpful rather than critical, that's all I ask.

I am 38 male and met my girlfriend, 36 female, three years ago on a dating app. We hit it off immediately sending voice notes for weeks on end before meeting for a date. After our first date we were inseparable and started a relationship almost immediately.

Quick background check. My last serious relationship had been over a decade before, not because I couldn't have found one but for a very long time I was depressed. I shut myself in and didn't have a social life outside of work. One day I just decided that I wanted to meet someone and look for something serious.

So when I met my girlfriend and we aligned on so many goals, I believed that I had finally found the one. We spent every minute we could with each other, staying over at each other's, and it was great.

After about a month or so is when things began to change. A girl had commented on a Facebook post of mine, a post she was tagged in. It was a generic, pleasant comment. This girl just by coincidence was a customer at my girlfriend's workplace. She asked me how I knew her. I said we shared a friend group around 15 years before and had dated briefly.

She went off the rails with me. She threatened to end the relationship and asked me why I would have a girl "I f\*\*ked," in her words, still on my Facebook.

Anyway, I wrongly (understand now) pleaded with her not to. I said I was falling for her (I was) and pointed out how I was single and had no idea what was expected of people in relationships. I didn't know having previous people I had intimacy with would be interpreted like that, because I never had to consider it. So I went through my friends list and deleted many long-time Facebook friends that I had a "history" with.

We were very intimate, had an amazing sex life, and she fell pregnant after just two months. I was 35 at the time, she was 33. We were both happy because it was our first child, so we accepted it regardless of the time and were excited and moved into a house together.

Then things changed again. Pregnancy causes massive hormonal changes in women, affects mood, everything, and I was on the receiving end of everything. Intimacy was dead. She struggled to hug me and couldn't stand being around me. She regularly called me names when irritated, etc.

I put it all down to pregnancy hormones and just supported her. It was a very difficult time and I was constantly battling the worry of if it was something deeper.

Time passed. Our son was born. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. I can question lots, but my son, I've never known a love like it. I get emotional just thinking about how much I love him. When he arrived we had a difficult time adapting to a newborn but I loved it, because I always wanted to be a father.

However, things didn't change much between me and my girlfriend. I tried to be close and loving and was mostly shut down. Intimacy was almost non-existent and only really initiated by me, and I'm not talking about sex. I mean on a basic level.

Time passed again. Same patterns continued. Any and every frustration she felt would be directed at me. It would result in name-calling, then I would naturally defend myself and point out that she shouldn't call me names, and then she would tell me I need to calm down.

She wouldn't ask me to do something, she would tell me. I would ask her about her day or how she feels but she would never ask me. I genuinely cannot remember, in fact, the last time she asked me how I was doing, if I'm okay, or how work was. I would routinely go somewhere quiet and cry.

Amongst these patterns was my son, who brought me so much joy and still does. And sometimes my girlfriend would flip, she would be loving at least with words, and I would relax and then it would happen again.

My son is two years old now. Since his birth this has been the pattern over and over again and if anything it's gotten worse.

Just to emphasise the lack of intimacy, I believe we've had sex maybe 4 times since my son was born. We've done nothing else either, no other form of sexual activity, nothing. I brought it up many times and she would say it's her not me, but if that's the case then why would it also be a chore sometimes to hug me?

I began doing my own research and I am aware postpartum mothers can lose their libido indefinitely, but coupled with the name-calling and lack of respect, it felt much deeper, obviously.

I began wondering if it was down to preference, like we are both white but her boyfriends before me were black. So is that it? Am I just not her type? I can live with that. I would have a reason for why it feels like she hates me, it would make sense, but she would say no, that isn't it.

Worse still was that in my work (I manage a security team at a nightclub) I would regularly be approached by women who would be interested in me. They would compliment me, ask if I was single. I would never cheat, was never tempted, and I would be honest with them.

But it was upsetting. It was upsetting because I was receiving validation from strangers, when the one person I want it from cannot stand me.

Over the time since I have sat down with her many times and begged her to try to change. I'm not perfect, I react and get defensive, but no one should be calling me names. I've tried to explain how down it makes me feel. I told her it put me in a dark place and said everything felt like too much sometimes.

She called me a coward. She said I would be a coward for abandoning my son if I did anything stupid. I said I'm not going to do anything stupid, I'm trying to make you realise the affect it has on me. She tells me if I can't take it I should leave, acknowledges she's not easy, but in my opinion hasn't tried to change.

I would have probably left some time ago if my son was not in the picture to protect my mental health, but I cannot do it without looking like a father abandoning his family.

Fast forward to more recently. A month ago, we had a bit of alcohol and ended up having sex. Once. We had sex once. And what happened? She's pregnant again. Now I love my son and if I'm blessed with another child I will love them just as much. But things have gotten bad again, really bad, and I'm struggling. She's around 1 month pregnant now.

Last night she was frustrated with me and began calling me names. Here are some of the things she said last night alone:

disgusting,

F**king weirdo,

Absent father (I am here every moment I'm not at work and haven't been out with friends since August 2023),

Be a father for once (again, I'm with my son every single day),

You're vile,

Sick in the head,

You stink,

F**k off,

You're f**king thick,

A f**king joke of a man,

Be a man for once.

She said pregnancy is why she's calling me names and I said I don't care, meaning I don't care if you're pregnant it doesn't give you the right to call me names. She said I said I didn't care that she was pregnant, so I don't care about my unborn child and that's disgusting. That really hurt me.

Today she said she had stomach pain. Coincidentally, I laughed at something my son was doing. She began saying that I was laughing at her and it's weird, like I want something bad to happen to the baby. Again, this really hurt me.

I tried to explain it wasn't her I was laughing at and she said I have anger issues and need to sort them out or she's taking my son and leaving. So I left the room rather than argue.

She called after me, "It's disgusting that you'd laugh at that." So again I said please stop saying that, I wasn't laughing at you, end of story. She said again I need to calm down, I'm detrimental to my son.

I've left a lot out of this post.

I'm alone now. I've shed tears. I rang in sick for work because my job requires confidence, sometimes physicality, and I just don't feel strong enough anymore for it.

Outside of my relationship I am seen as a 'tough' man. I am well known in my industry, I work out regularly, I am well paid for what I do, and I now have imposter syndrome because deep down I'm just scared.

The other night a person entering the venue looked at me and said, "Are you okay?" More of a greeting than a question, but it actually touched me. I wanted to say no. I said, "Fine, thanks," and thought about it for the rest of the night.

Is this emotional abuse? Can things change? Am I wrong about all this? What do I do?

I really need to get this off my chest. I have been holding it in for too long. Thank you for reading.

I was only four.

My oldest brother held me in his arms while my sister was stripped naked and beaten with a belt. I was too young to understand everything, but old enough to understand fear.

Then I was five.

My parents fought often. Us children would hide upstairs and listen. When I heard my mother cry, I would come downstairs with a box of tissues and hug her. My father would come back to yell again, see me there beside her, and walk away.

Then I was six.

My mother died of cancer. My life turned upside down. My two older siblings left the next day. My father was broken inside, and eventually, he stopped caring for my brother and me the way children need to be cared for.

Then I was eight.

I had gotten into a small accident and had a cut on my thigh. My family was relieved that there were no signs of abuse. I did not fully understand what that meant at the time. I only knew the adults were looking for something worse.

Then I was nine.

My father said it was “about time.” I asked him, “Time for what?” He did not answer with words.

Then I was twelve.

My father went to prison. I was sent to my aunt’s house, and eventually, I was placed permanently with my grandparents, who had their own struggles. My grandmother was controlling in ways I did not yet have language for.

I had survived one house and been handed to another.

She had control over me until I was old enough to run free.

Somehow, I made it through school. Somehow, I made it through college. Barely, but I did. Now I work. I wake up. I show up. I do what I am supposed to do.

Some days, it feels like I have already lived an entire lifetime. I am young, but I am tired in a way that feels old.

But for now, I am still here.

Maybe that is the story.

Not that I survived beautifully.

Just that I survived.

They were doing great for weeks, taking accountability, having empathy, showing real change and making choices that reflected care and repair, then right before they left, they betrayed me, they lied to their friends, they used ai to convince themselves I’m somehow controlling and abusive(even tho what the ai said was absolutely ridiculous and incorrect probably because it was built on lies and delusions)

In the past, they’d always punish me when they’d pursue delusions about me being the bad one, those lies always led to pain and suffering, and right before they left they had to reverse all the progress they’d made and push me into a state of constant fear, because they can’t take it back and reassure me that they aren’t going to hurt me, and that they realize how wrong they were, I’m stuck in this state

I haven’t been able to eat or sleep, I feel like I’m actually dying because of how little food and sleep I’m getting, I’m really scared, and I don’t know how to fix this, I don’t want to die

hello, im back, i made a post i think yesterday in r/MtF that explains everything about how my dad reacted to my coming out and him being abusive , sadly this isnt a temporary thing he has never been the greatest to me (neither of my parents have but at least my mom doesnt hit me) and i still really want to feel loved by him and my mom despite how absolutely awful they treat me and for some extra background its not just me being trans that they have hit me and thrown stuff at me for. I have a very different personality than my parents, i am very emotional and act on said emotions and dont judge people like they do and this also gets me into a lot of fights with them because i act and react in the moment and "match their energy" in a conflict which very quickly results in my dad becoming more and more abusive as things escalate and i feel so broken for still wanting them to love me andd be proud of me for once in my life despite all they have done to me especially recently with me coming out as trans fem. why just why do i have to feel this way

Hi there! This is my first ever post but I though I should do this, as I am completely lost on how to change my situation or support myself.

I [19F] developed long covid and POTS in 2021,  both contributing to my chronic fatigue. Prior to my illness , the plan to get freedom and distance from my father [61M] once I went to uni seemed attainable. Though now that I am sick, my living condition( living with constant mental and emotional abuse) seems life-long.

Some background on our relationship: One of my first core memories of my dad, is him screaming and berating 5 year-old me for struggling with my math homework (which later turned out to be undiagnosed discalcula and dyslexia - among my other disabilities like diagnosed ADD and OCD)  to the point my papers were soaked with tears. Another one that comes to mind, is the same kind of shouting and insults at toddler me for spilling my cups of juice. I was so scared from this that would frantically try to clean up my mess before he saw me (sometimes slightly wetting myself). And I still find myself ,even now, when I break or drop something accidentally, getting the same surge of anxiety over my father's anger (although it happens much less now in relation to those specific situations).

Other traits of his abuse include: physical threats and initimdation (getting in my face, threatening to something "very bad" to me), manhandling (yanking my arm or shirt collar), throwing and damaging objects (tossing a chair or punching a hole in a door), insulting me and my mother (stupid, idiot, cunt, fat, bitch), just belittling us or gaslighting our experinces of him, reckless driving when angry, intense mood swings (lovely one second and a monster another - requiring us to walk on eggshells around his mood). He's also just very lazy in some ways and slobbish (not cleaing up after himself when he cooks, leaving bags of his rubbish next to his living room seat, not closing bathroom door after hes done (yes number 2s as well) ).

My dad was raised by a narcissistic  abusive father with undiagnosed autism and a very passive mother. He is ALSO has undiagnosed Autism. All of these things combined explain his behaviour (not that it makes it exceptable).

Though the problem is, in other ways, he is amazing: he drives me to school every day to avoid me wasting energy, he is supportive of me and my ambitions (has never made me feel academic pressure or tried to mold me into a specific person and has funded many of my hobbies - along with my mum), generous with money, does most of our house renovations/ handy work by himself (sometimes with a bit of help from me), he stays up late for me when I go out with friends, and has advocated for me educationally and medically. He can also be a really good person for me to talk to my feelings about, even about ways he hurts me. He often validates them and is good at apologising but never does anything to change them.

I've had enough of the lack of change. I am going to uni this September. The plan was to do first year in halls with the help of disability support and the support of my parents (bringing me things, checking in on me, taking me home every other weekend). I am partially self-capable but I often have need rest days every few days, that largely rely on the support of my parents (feeding me, taking up my chores etc). For the following two years of my course, the plan was to live at home but I dont think thats possible for me anymore (at least mentally and emotionally).

I was was wondering how I might be able to manage and support myself (both physically and financially) if end up living away for years 2 and 3 . I do have PIP, my parents financial support, and planning to get various student loans. But of course  those loans wont carry over when I graduate and my PIP allowance isn't livable.

I am concerned about this because after a recent argument, I gave him an ultimatum: either he starts therapy by October, or I go "no contact" with him. But I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to enforce this if im not physically able, and thus not able to work or take care of myself. My dad DID say that he would financially and physically support me regardless, but I want to make "no contact" = NO CONTACT in any way shape or form.  Though my mum would probably willing to help me (it would be both physically and financially) burdensome on her (plus idk if dad would add his money to that too).

And I am realising that I DO really need him for things only HE can do (driving, handy work - because my mum cant do either).

Ultimately, I'm coming on here for links to UK disability support programmes and also advice about how to live alone as a disabled person. Any and all advice is welcome, thank you!!