I’m really struggling with how unavoidable the Epstein file coverage feels right now, and I wanted to ask other survivors how they’re handling it. It’s everywhere....TV, social media, casual conversations where someone suddenly says “did you see?”

For me, the details are deeply triggering. It hits way too close to home. I’ve even told my husband that part of what scares me is the idea of recognizing a name or a face in one of these releases. There’s this constant pit in my stomach.

What’s been especially hard is the way it’s being treated almost like entertainment. The shock, the speculation, the drama...like people slowing down to stare at a car accident. It feels surreal watching something that involved real children and real harm get talked about like scandal fodder or tabloid content.

And even though I try not to take it personally, I do. A friend makes an offhand comment and it suddenly feels like it’s about me. Someone laughs at how “crazy” an email was, and it feels like they’re laughing off abuse...my abuse...even when I know that isn’t their intention. It’s exhausting carrying that reaction while also trying to act normal in everyday conversations. I’ve tried to avoid it, but it still seems to come up multiple times a day whether I want it to or not.

I do plan to talk about this with my therapist, but I wanted to ask here too: Is this triggering for you? How are you coping right now? Are there any boundaries or strategies that have helped you get through the constant exposure? I’d really appreciate hearing from others who understand this kind of reaction.

I’m looking for support, advice, guidance, words of encouragement, anything.

ETA: I have decided not to report to his work. I don’t think he’s a danger to patients. He had told me some really sweet stories about patients, and was genuinely traumatized by some cases he had worked on in the past. I don’t want to ruin his life. I hope he seeks psych help like we had discussed before I broke up with him. I want him to be okay and do well. I feel so guilty.

TL;DR: I dated a guy who works at a psychiatric facility I am a patient at. I broke up with him because he took pictures of my genitals without consent. And while reflecting on the relationship with friends, I learned he is likely a sexual predator. I am worried he is a danger to his patients, as are my friends. I spoke with my psychiatric provider at the facility who put me in contact with the facility’s complaint/ patient advocate person who told me I was doing the right thing and being very brave. But I still feel horrible and anxious and sad.

I was seeing this guy for two months. I really really liked him, like a lot. I thought he was perfect for me, other than a little emotionally uneducated/ unprepared. He had mental health stuff that he wasn’t handling in a healthy way.

I probably should’ve dumped him when I stopped being able to watch Criminal Minds because it was feeling too real/ close to home….

Things got sexual much faster than I wanted, but I really liked him. I think my hypersexuality just kinda took the wheel. My friends and therapists later came to believe that he was taking advantage of my hypersexuality as well for his own benefit.

Anyway, I broke up with him after he took pictures of my genitals without permission. I didn’t want to break up with him, because I really liked him. And the good times were so good. I felt so safe with him. And he helped me through flashbacks. But my friends had already been starting to dislike him because of other things he did, like when he got upset with me for climbing out of his lap to do a therapy worksheet to regulate myself, major avoidance shit when he was upset rather than talking about it or using coping, expecting me an autistic to be a mind reader, etc. The picture taking was just the final straw for my friends. And if my friends don’t like the person I’m with, that’s a huge problem for me. Logically I knew what he did was bad and wrong but I really liked him. I broke up with him because I knew it was the right thing to do for myself, but I didn’t want to.

After the breakup, I started reflecting on the relationship. I slowly realized I had ignored or explained away a shit ton of red flags. I’m not sure if it was because of my delayed processing, or I was just that infatuated, or have so much trouble trusting myself and my gut that I just didn’t really realize the bad shit.

The more stuff I shared with my friends, the more horrified they were. They came to believe he was a straight up predator. My trauma therapist said that the nice stuff he had done was just grooming.

He works at an inpatient unit at a psychiatric facility I am outpatient at. I have previously been inpatient there before he ever worked there. Just in case I ever need to go inpatient again, I informed my outpatient provider I dated a guy who works inpatient. He informed me employees of the facility are not supposed to date past or current patients of the facility. I am both.

I shared this with my friends and continued reflecting on things from the relationship I had ignored or explained away, and getting friend’s assessments. Every single one of them except one friend and his wife, are convinced my ex is a straight up predator.

I’m a little frustrated with myself and my taste in men. I don’t know if I’m just naive, overly trusting, or gullible. But I know I’m vulnerable and need to be more careful. I have been learning more from friends about what true consent looks like, that sex isn’t about just pleasing your partner, etc.

But because of some of the stuff my ex talked about and did with me, and my friends’ belief he is a predator, I became concerned for patient safety.

I was very vague in telling my psychiatric provider at the facility why I am concerned about patient safety. But I guess I shared enough that he is concerned too and has put me in contact with the compliance officer/ manager for the facility.

I feel so so guilty. I don’t want to get my ex in trouble or ruin his life, but if he hurts a patient and I could’ve prevented it, I’d never forgive myself. Or as friends pointed out, it’s possible there are already complaints against him, and me making a report could get these complaints taken more seriously.

I really cared about him. I don’t want to get him in trouble. I don’t want to ruin his career. I don’t want to get him fired. But I am concerned he is a threat to patients.

My friend said this guilt comes from my prior abuse. I was trained to protect my abusers as a kid, and that’s what’s resurfacing right now and making me feel guilty. My friends are reminding me that I am not ruining his life— he ruined his own life with the fucked up shit he said and did. It may also be my atypical empathy from autism affecting my feelings as well. I’m worried about his wellbeing and the effect this reporting may have on him.

I’ve been an anxious mess as the reporting has gotten more and more real. I haven’t been sleeping well. I screamed myself awake the other night which I haven’t done in a while.

I’m pretty confident I’m logically doing the right thing, but it feels like I’m doing something wrong.

TW: CNC, rape, using kink/BDSM as a guise for abuse, breath play, knife play, other shit.

Red flags I didn’t really process until after I dumped him:
- Talked about having sex with me on the unit if I ever went inpatient again.
- He said one time that when I’m ready, if I wanted to share details of my trauma he’d listen but some of it is probably a turn on for him and “I know it’s probably a turn on for you”. And that bothers me because he used to work for family services with long term abuse cases. But he did seem genuinely traumatized by some of his cases.
- Said his inpatient job was one level away from a prison, knowing I had previously been inpatient.
- The fantasy talk also started to feel less fantasy and more real. Like he talked a lot about how hot it would be to take me to some remote woods, give me a headstart to run away, and not give me my mobility aids so I’d stumble everywhere, while he hunts me down and then rapes me.
- Early on in the relationship he said he seems to attract people with trauma. I thought he meant “Aw traumatized people see me as a safe person.” My friends pointed out that he probably meant “I seek out traumatized people because they’re vulnerable and more likely to do what I say and be into the shit I’m into.”
- Self-identifies as a sexual sadist. I thought by this he meant he’s a dom with sadistic tendencies/ is into the rougher stuff but I’m thinking he meant DSM5 definition because he really got aroused by causing me pain, and as evidenced with the severity of the bruising and choking, he did not seem to care about my actual safety. Plus he tried to scratch me one time without asking first. I also learned from friends I wasn’t properly consenting to the pain/ violence, as I was just saying yes because I knew he’d like it, not because I get enjoyment from being hurt. Basically, I can tolerate it, and knew he liked it, so I said yes, which friends said isn’t how consent works.
- When I described my dad (abuser) as a sadist, he got offended and pouted.
- Asked me to give him the code to my front door eventually so he could come rape me (I did not. We were only together two months)
- Brought up knife play, in detail. Specifically that he wanted to tether me to a vibrator so I’d arch into the knife and cut myself. He knew I had a self harm history. He said he saw it in a video and it was hot.
- Said he couldn’t stay erect with a condom because it was a sensory issue, and being very inexperienced in consensual sex, and being autistic that made sense to me. Because I have sensory issues so I get it! Anyway we had unprotected sex. (I will give him credit, he tried a condom for like 3 minutes) My friends have since informed me there is no excuse to not wear a condom.
- I was dumb and during the last days I decided to show off how crazy my pain tolerance is and told him “I don’t think you can make me cry” not expecting him to actually try. He tried everything he could and seemed pleased when I started to squirm but frustrated my face wasn’t doing anything. The deep tissue is still healing
- Said to me one time “you really have a rape kink” which confused me because I never used that word, and had only talked about CNC. Kink informed friends say this is a major red flag
- Came over one night after I had already taken my edible which I informed him of. Things started to get heated so he asked me if I felt intoxicated. I didn’t think I was but I have no fucking idea and we did sexy stuff that night even though he knew I had THC in my system.
- Said he was in no rush to get STI testing since I had given him oral already
- Said my planned hysterectomy (medically necessary and gender affirming) made him feel panicked and when I offered reassurance and asked what he needed he said he didn’t want any and that surgery just made him panicky like he wanted to leave and runaway (both literally and metaphorically). Friends thought this, combined with the condom thing was really sketchy. Some just thought this alone seemed controlling.
- Because I’m autistic, I had trouble telling the difference between fantasy and stuff he was actually wanting to with/ to me. So I’d try to clarify when he was dirty talking by just asking “fantasy right?” At first he’d just be like “yeah” but he got progressively more annoyed with me and would roll his eyes or be condescending and eventually he said something along the lines of “you don’t have to keep clarifying…” so I stopped.
- Talked about me going out and picking up a girl, usually a queer woman, and bringing her back and then he’d come in and rape her. He presented it as a fantasy but it didn’t feel like one.
- I had said early on I wouldn’t be ready for sex for months. Multiple times when we’d start to get intimate, he’d talk about how badly he wanted to have sex with me. That quickly progressed to baiting/ teasing me. Basically he’d talk about how much he wanted to have sex with me, then ask if I wanted to have sex with him too and I did but I wasn’t ready so technically my answer was yes. Then he’d ask if I wanted a condom or not. If I said yes, he’d give me a disapproving look or verbally prompt me to reanswer. Once I said no condom/ raw he’d say “good girl”. Then he’d start to position my body and himself and pretend like he was going to insert himself even though we hadn’t actually discussed having sex, since I wasn’t ready for it. But then he’d stop himself and get this weird grin and ask me if I was scared and thought he was actually going to do it. At least once he texted me after apologizing and saying he felt bad about messing with my head. I didn’t know what he meant.
- I did tell him about my kinks but made it clear they were all trauma induced and I didn’t know to what extent they were safe for me to engage with.
- I also told him my trauma therpaist had to me to abstain from porn, specifically ones relating to my kinks so I could work on uncoupling the wire crossing between arousal and abuse. His solution was to make a rule that I was only allowed to watch porn with him
- He was extremely emotionally fragile and wouldn’t do anything to work on it. There were so many times I’d make a joke, or just say something and he’d get upset, hang up, and then not talk to me for a day and just play video games to “cope” (that’s not coping bro that’s straight up avoidance). As a person with anxious attachment, this was extremely dysregulating.
- Canceled dates on me a bunch and then would only do last minute plans, despite knowing I’m autistic and me voicing that this was very difficult for me. He said the reason he would only do last minute plans is because early on he canceled on me when we had planned to go to the aquarium and my favorite restaurant, a very high reward day. He canceled as I was getting in the fucking car, so no shit I was upset. So he refused to plan ahead anymore after that.
- Wouldn’t make time for me. He’d basically only see me after work, which was around midnight because he worked the second shift. And since everywhere is closed then, we would hang out at my house. He would make plans with his friends on his days off, and just fit me in afterwards. My therapist thinks that the mainly only doing night dates at my house was so we could do sexual activity. And I didn’t realize this was weird because no one has ever put me first (not even my mom) so I’m used to not being prioritized. There was this thing coming up in June I love going to and I asked him to go with me and he said this multiday long con he goes to every year was the same weekend. I tried to find a compromise and just asked if he could miss one day to go to the thing with me and he got really offended that I was asking him to miss something he looks forward to all year, pouted, and wouldn’t really talk to me for a day.
- I knew he had a strained relationship with his sister, and I wanted to know more about that so I was asking questions. All he’d tell me is that she threw scissors at him which to me just sounded like semi-normal sibling bullshit. He also said she told him once that she likes hurting people. Because he’s a self described sexual sadist, I made a joke saying “Well, you do too…” and he got really hurt, hung up on me, told me not to compare her to him ever again, and didn’t talk to me for a day because he was so hurt. I felt horrible and beat myself up about it until he started talking to me again.
- He would snap/ yell at my cat for rubbing against him or meowing at us during sexy time. He’s my best friend. He’s my pal. He’s my homeboy, my rotten soldier, my sweet cheese, my good time boy.
- Also he might’ve deceived me about his sexuality? Not sure. Originally, he told me he was pansexual. A couple weeks ago, I wanted to know more about him and got curious so I asked him when he knew he wasn’t straight and his response was “well I wouldn’t say I’m not straight” and elaborated that he’s attracted to femininity. But he has sucked some dicks and dated one man so idfk. I may be overreacting on this one.
- Said he thought he was autistic like me but wouldn’t cite why. (After reviewing the DSM5 criteria the best I could figure out is that he had sensory issues and was a nerd, but nerdy interests don’t equate to restricted interests, and he sure as hell didn’t have social impairments)
- Said he thought he might have CSA trauma that he doesn’t remember. His reasoning being his kinks… that was his only reasoning… I think this and the autism thing were him trying to relate to me, or trying to trick me into feeling safe with him.

cPTSD is really fucking annoying. It’s affected my ability to trust myself, love myself, and trust others. I crave affection and attention and apparently will ignore red flags to get it. I’m concerned about my ability to keep myself safe, and worried people like this guy will continue to prey on me because I am so obviously vulnerable.

I finally closed my dms with them and deleted and blocked their contact this is gonna be really hard, I’m scared, I know my life would be better off without their manipulation and betrayal, and continuing to get traumatized by them is also not good for me, but I feel so alone without them, I don’t have anyone I’m close to over here, my family is far away, and my friends are far away, but even if they were close(which would make it a bit easier) I’m not as close with any one as I was with my ex, even tho they abused me and ruined me, I’m scared of moving on without them, it’s so hard, I wish I was stronger, I wish they weren’t a horrible person so I wouldn’t even have to do this in the first place, it’s not fair, why does being close to them make me suffer so much but being apart from them also makes me suffer

I used to think being alone would be the hardest part. Turns out, the loneliest I’ve ever felt was sitting right next to them.

You can’t explain it to people who haven’t experienced it. How someone can be physically there but emotionally absent, or worse, emotionally draining.

Now that I’m out, there’s still healing to do, but at least the silence feels peaceful instead of heavy.

Did anyone else feel this way?

A brief about me. I came from emotionally neglected family. But even now im struggling alot in my life in every aspect. therapy became venting out call. I'm done with it. It's not helping me to function day to day tasks (like eating, sleeping, excercise, going out, hygiene etc) also 😭😭

I'm looking for help . Someone who can check with me & push me to take Action not thinking, planning but push me to take action & daily accountability.

It feels extremely uncomfortable to ask for help like this. But I get stuck. I need to come out of it so badly. Or tell me how can I get proper help from real human being in healthy way ? Any support forums anything.

🚫

Creeps stay away. I'm not looking for any offline meetings or online sharing any romantic stuff. I'm exhausted with creepy DM's

I've been feeling really really bad, struggling massively and am losing hope to have any happiness in my life.

So I wanted to come here and try to be a good person, by asking you how you're doing.

So genuinely, how are you? How's the healing going?

I still can’t understand what kind of relationship I was in.

I’m trying to understand what kind of relationship I was in and whether my perception of it is distorted. We broke up a year ago, but I still keep replaying things in my head because the relationship felt emotionally confusing.

At the beginning, she was very affectionate, supportive, and initiative-driven. She chose me over another guy who was pursuing her, and she seemed deeply invested in the relationship. She was warm, caring, and made me feel wanted. But over time, things became emotionally unstable and confusing.

Some context about her background:

- She grew up in a wealthy family, but there was a lot of yelling and emotional chaos at home. She told me her father used to hit her when she was younger, her mother would throw her belongings out the window during fights, and screaming in the family was normal.

- Despite that, she respected her parents and still remained close with them.

- She once said: “There are hammer people and nail people.”

- She admitted herself that she doesn’t handle criticism well and identified as avoidantly attached.

Over time, I started noticing:

- Sudden mood swings and emotional unpredictability.

- She could become cold, insulting, dismissive, or explosive very quickly.

- I constantly felt like I had to carefully choose my words to avoid upsetting her.

- I became anxious around her and often stayed quiet because I was afraid of saying something wrong.

Some examples:

• Once I casually corrected her posture outside. She exploded, told me “a real man wouldn’t do that,” blocked me everywhere, and told me to fuck off.
• During conflicts, I was usually the one apologizing, repeatedly calling after being blocked, bringing flowers, trying to calm things down, etc.
• During conflicts she could say things like:

- “I’m perfect.”

- “Beautiful, smart, wealthy women don’t stay alone.”

- “You should find someone you actually can afford.”

She also openly said:

- “The most negative trait in me is that I always look for benefit.”

One of her exes apparently ended things because, in his words, she “suppressed his masculinity.”

There were many moments that made me question her empathy:

• My mom got into a car accident once. Nothing life-threatening, but it scared her badly. I stayed with my mom that evening to calm her down instead of immediately meeting my girlfriend. My girlfriend became angry and basically said: “But everything turned out fine, so what’s the problem?” She never even asked afterward how my mom was doing.
• A friend of mine fell hard while skating and started crying from pain. Everyone stopped to help except my ex, who looked for a second and then continued skating.
• I once told her about a teacher from my childhood who used to cry because students bullied her badly in class. My ex responded that it was entirely the teacher’s fault for being weak and unable to control children.
• When her godfather was sent to war, I tried comforting her by saying maybe someday all of this would end and things would become peaceful again. She responded aggressively with: “Are you fucking stupid?” Then later, after noticing I emotionally shut down, she became affectionate, kissed me, and jokingly said: “Family conflict resolved?”

There were also issues involving sex and masculinity:

• I had performance anxiety / erectile issues sometimes. It was my first serious sexual relationship and I was nervous.

Another time, after a corporate party where she drank alcohol, she suddenly insisted on seeing me even though we had already agreed to meet the next day because I was exhausted from work. I eventually agreed so she wouldn’t feel hurt, but I clearly said I was too tired for sex. She promised that was okay and said she simply wanted to sleep beside me.

When she came over, later she initiated sex anyway. I tried, but lost my erection during it. She got angry and started saying things like:

- “Clearly you don’t desire me.”

- “Men at the corporate party wanted me, but you don't even want me.”

- “You never get jealous.”

At one point she even pretended a message from her friend was from another man from the party. The next morning, I woke up with a deep feeling that I didn’t want to be near her anymore.

She also seemed heavily focused on status and external image:

• Her parents bought her a brand new Renault, but she was questioned herself and me that it wasn’t a Mercedes or BMW because otherwise “people ask questions.”
• She cared a lot about expensive places, appearances, luxury, and social image.

Gift situations:

• I gave her a JBL speaker, sweets, and Christmas socks. She looked disappointed immediately and said: “Why would I even need this speaker?” Later she told me it felt like “a gift for a coworker.” Meanwhile, I politely admitted her perfume gift wasn’t exactly my scent but that I appreciated the effort. She became furious and told me to throw it in the trash.
• Another time, I gifted her a small duck keychain. Later I gave her another accessory she liked more, and right in front of me she removed the duck keychain and threw it into the garbage. I was confused and she said: “What, are you gonna dig through the trash for it now? It's just a thing. Don't overcomplicate it.”

She could also be dismissive toward my interests or emotional world:

• I invited her to a Lord of the Rings / Hobbit orchestra performance because those stories mean a lot to me emotionally. During it, she joked about wanting smoking breaks and seemed bored.
• I suggested going to an aquarium once and she reacted with: “That’s for schoolchildren.”
• When I shared doubts about my career path and talked about possibly moving toward UX/UI or business analysis, she reacted to “business analyst” with a sarcastic laugh.
• I spent over a year forcing myself to study coding because I wanted to build a stable future for us. At first she sometimes encouraged me and even called me. But later, when I admitted how mentally difficult it had become and how lost I felt, she snapped and told me I had basically wasted a year of my life.

There were also moments where I felt emotionally invisible:

• We once did MBTI personality tests together. I became deeply interested in understanding her type and discussing it. In return, she showed almost no curiosity about mine.
• Sometimes I would simply sit quietly because I felt emotionally drained or anxious, and she would pressure me by saying: “Say something or I’ll leave.”

• When I tried introducing her to more of my family, she often avoided it and eventually asked: “Introduce me as who exactly?”

• She criticized my friends often, but at other moments suddenly claimed she missed them and wanted everyone together again.

• She once told me she thinks she’ll probably become a single mother someday.

• She openly said she would accept a luxury Maldives trip from someone even if she already knew the relationship wiht this person had no future, because “why not.”

She also had a principle she jokingly described as:

“Break the dishes, I’ll pay for them.”

• She smashed dishes during conflicts with family and previous partners.
• She sometimes used degrading language about people in general.

And despite ALL of this…

There were still many moments where she could feel genuinely loving, affectionate, playful, caring, emotionally intimate, soft, and warm.

Sometimes after hurting me badly, she would suddenly switch completely and become extremely gentle again. That emotional contrast is probably what made the relationship so psychologically confusing for me.

Toward the end of the relationship, I felt emotionally exhausted, anxious, insecure, and disconnected from myself. I constantly questioned whether I was “man enough,” good enough, ambitious enough, emotionally strong enough, etc.

At the same time, she still watches all my Instagram stories months later and even checked my LinkedIn recently despite barely using LinkedIn before.

One thing that especially messes with my head now is that she appears to already be in a new relationship, probably for several months. She frequently likes posts about:

- “finally being in a healthy and happy relationship”

- “the right man”

- “being loved properly”

- “healthy masculine energy”

- “finally experiencing healthy love”

and similar content.

And honestly, part of me keeps wondering:

“What if she actually changed?”

“What if I really was the problem?”

“What if she’s now giving someone else the version of her I kept hoping to get?”

I genuinely loved her, and there were moments where she made me feel incredibly special. But I also slowly lost my sense of safety and self-esteem in the relationship.

Does this sound like emotional immaturity, avoidant attachment, narcissistic traits, trauma-related behavior, simple incompatibility, or something else entirely?

I’m genuinely trying to understand the dynamic and will be grateful to get some answers. It will be very helpful for me.

Good morning all…

So I’ve been wanting to write about the abuse I went through. Sexual abuse from my earliest memories still I was 11. Physical abuse and extreme emotional abuse. I finally left when I was 14 and have been healing since. I’ve only ever written about it in therapy.

I struggle with the courage to actually get my words out. Lol even in this sub Reddit. I have moments where I want to and I feel motivated and inspired. Then it vanishes.

Also, it leaves me a bit emotional only because while I am motivated to get this out I also have to really dig up those memories and live in them for a bit. I have PTSD. Flashbacks no longer rule my life. I still have them but my response to them is managed.

Just looking for support or advice. Thank you.

TW emotional abuse

I met them maybe five years ago. We became good friends and then I felt a spark and we started dating. They were one of the sweetest people I've ever met, and for a time I felt that it was okay for me to be myself around them.

We moved in together, started making life plans together. The circumstances of that transition were a bit rough - I was out of a job and searching for good employment. So I felt a power imbalance that I thought I could fix once I was back on my feet. They are autistic, which colors both my favorite parts of them and the abusive parts of them. The move was a big change, and the stress of it made them very short tempered. They would yell at me for putting things in the wrong place, and I excused it as the stress of the move.

Time went on, and I got a steady job. They would bounce back and forth between being very sweet and romantic to being aggressively demeaning. On their worse days they'd belittle me until I shut up and shut down. I felt that I was not safe to take up space in conversations.

I was filled with anxiety when they proposed to me. We had talked about it before, and I told them that I wasn't ready for it. By this time, I had given up hope and found it again over and over. I was desperate to make it work. And so I was afraid, but I said yes because they had a photographer watching. They later said that they didn't remember me saying I wasn't ready.

A few months later, around the holidays, we went through another rough patch. They were picking fights over things like my sensory issues and me asserting boundaries. They shut me down on Christmas with my family because I don't want a dog since the barking scares me. And I cried there and I felt so embarrassed and insecure.

They started nitpicking everything I did. Dishes, occasional food waste, other chores; it was never up to their standards. I want to defend myself here - I did a complete job with everything, but they didn't like how I did it. Like putting silverware in the dishwasher the "wrong" way (pointy end down). I felt like I couldn't move through the world for fear of fucking up and getting yelled at.

A few months later, my betta fish got sick and died. He was very special to me and I tried everything I could to help him recover. My partner told me I was a bad pet owner and that I shouldn't have animals. They got mad at me for shutting down. They told me I never listen and I'm irresponsible. I know that is not true.

Our last fight was over some cat puke. One of the cats had puked in a room I don't spend a lot of time in. And I was out doing chores and errands all morning. When they got out of bed in the afternoon, they got mad at me for not cleaning the cat puke. I didn't even know it was there. I told them it was unfair for them to be mad at me. I offered to clean it up, but they just wanted to be mad. They hurled all kinds of spiteful, resentful things at me. So I left.

I'm about a month out of an emotionally abusive relationship. Some days are better than others. Most of the time, I feel free. Sometimes I feel empty, craving the love that I know my ex could show. We still live together, but in our own rooms. I avoid them where I can. I've been coping with weed and community. But I think I will still have my darker days until I can move out in a few months.

Not sure how to end this. Thanks for listening, and remember that you deserve to be loved unconditionally. If you are wondering if it's abuse, it's probably abuse. And if you're hoping you can fix them, leave so you can fix the damage they've done to you.

I feel as if I lost my childhood and teenage years due to emotional and a few times physical abuse. Only now in my early 20s am I discovering who I am and it's led me to cut contact with my childhood friends.

"He did it so you can be tough" he says as I tried to exit out of this realm at 9 years old.

"You should be greatful, so many kids don't have parents that - " he says as my dad took away my identity and romantic relationships in high school.

"He did it so you can have a better life " he says while I'm here trying to heal from everything while barely functioning in society.

I've had therapists side with me too. I now know what I need to do. I need to get out of here but have no idea how to start. I don't have a car, not that many savings and need to stay in this city for a year more to finish my degree. I feel trapped

I’m looking at detoxing from a trauma bond and I’m already scared of it, I know the withdrawals will be hell, ofc right before it starts my ex has to remind me that they don’t want me

I chose them for so long through everything, even when they didn’t deserve it, so why don’t they want me? Why don’t I deserve their love? I gave so much of my love to them I just want to know it wasn’t all for nothing, if they actually wanted me in the end or loved me after it all and thought I was worth fighting for, then maybe all the fighting I’d done would have not been for nothing, it was all a waste of time, a waste of love and effort, because in the end I’m worthless to them, they will only choose themselves, or anyone else that the see as worthy, but that will never be me, never, they keep showing me that, and I still hope that maybe they will see my worth, maybe they will see why I’m worth fighting for, maybe they will love me for a change, but they don’t, and they never will

Right before they leave they have to make sure to stab me and pour salt in old wounds tho ofc, it was a mistake to talk to them, I had finally calmed down from the horrible night before, I was gonna make up for lost sleep, but now I’m just crying instead, wishing I hadn’t wasted all my love and time on a person who can never love me, who doesn’t even want to love me, who told their friends they don’t want to love me and so they hid it from me because they knew me reading what they said about me would destroy me, why are they like this? Why can’t they just love me, why can’t they just value me, what’s so bad about me that it would make them see all my suffering I go through for their love and still not think I’m worthy of it? What’s wrong with me?

How do I get past the danger I feel when they lie about me to others and themselves? It’s so easy for them to just paint me as the bad guy, then when I ask them how I’m abusive they give the most ridiculous answer it’s hard to understand how they could have tricked themselves into believing that I’m as bad as they say I am

The fact that their reasons for talking shit about me is so ridiculous just makes it worse because it means that they are just that delusional, they can convince themselves of anything and that’s extremely scary, especially because they’ve used those ideas as justification for abusing and betraying me

I’m trying to stay away from them but I’m really struggling to let go of this idea that I need to keep myself safe from their lies, even tho I know soon it won’t matter it still scares me so much, maybe it’s because we still have mutual connections, or maybe it’s because they have physically restrained me and punished me in so many other ways, I’m scared they will come after me after I’m gone if they let these horrible thoughts they have about me fester, they just feel like such a dangerous person because of how warped their mind gets, idk what they could do, I know the horrible things they’ve been capable of, but if I can’t defend myself and they don’t have anyone to give them a reality check then idk what they could be capable of, and that really terrifies me

I just have a lot going on rn
My best friend and I ran away from my parents house a few days ago
And we were both forced to go back home yesterday
We’re Arabs, and anyone who knows anything about Arab culture knows that women or Arabs aren’t allowed to move out of their parents houses till they’re married or till their parents die
We still left because we had money and some resources
We really thought we got away
It was a crazy time
We spent a whole month planning and we spent a lot of time preparing
Then we ran away Sunday night
And yesterday we found out they followed my best friend to his work and they cornered him and forced him to give up our location
They took him to my aunts house and they brought his mom, his aunts, and his cousin
And my parents and aunt were there
My family was a lot sweeter and loving about this
But his family wasn’t
They yelled at him and berated him
And they degraded him
His mom doesn’t have a job nor does she have an ID, and here you can’t live without an ID. You get deported if you don’t have one. She’s forcing him to sleep next to her
And she took his phone away
She gave it to the maid
And the maid has let him use it to talk to me
But I’m so worried about him
His mom is really abusive
She’s trying to force him to get procedures done on his body
She’s gonna make him get laser hair removal
And nose surgery because “his nose is too big”
He’s an afab, he’s trans, he’s 21 years old, and he’s being treated like absolute garbage
I’m grasping at any opportunity I can to find someone who will have a marriage of convenience with him
please
If any Arab person who isn’t attracted to trans men is willing to help my best friend out and you both can leave the country together
I know other Arabs who have gone through this abuse will understand this and help if they can. Thank you.

I need help staying no contact and healing, a good engaging game could help, maybe something with emotional depth to help me get all my feelings out? I only have a Nintendo switch, dos anyone have any suggestions?

Edit: here are some games I’ve already played on my switch, resident evil, octopath traveler, Zelda games, stardew valley, Minecraft, animal crossing, undertale, jump force, Mario games, super smash bros and the Naruto games

I am sorry if this is rambling. I have been panicking this morning.

This morning around 6am my mom jokelying tells me to hide my smoking habit. I said I don’t smoke.

And she went to work. I went outside to find a cigarette bud between my mom’s car and a small roll of tree bushes. I am freaking out thinking it is my ex and his friends stalking me again! It was maybe 20feet away from the road. I live between two farms. So no side walks. No parks. Nothing near me besides fields of cows and land.

it might get complicated and jumbled around….sorry

Sooo in 2020 I found out that my ex 22m was having an affair with a minor, soni. 17f

I found out my ex’s friend 30m were raping people as well. A young girl named Amanda who I believe was 18f was rapped by Kyle. I took Amanda all over my town to talk to a police officer. The local town police said go to sheriff’s. The sheriff’s office said go I state troopers. And the state troopers got our statements and never got back to us.

Months go by and found out that his friends were getting minors from discord to live with them. Other minors I talked to said they were raped my my ex’s friends. And using our local community college to get girls and take them to pa. They said to play dnd. But idk.

I went to my ex’s parents and begged them to help their son get away from these people

A few months later after me and my ex broke up. I found out he was paying a 15 year old girl for sex in his car. And she was doing it until she was 18 years old.

After we broke up I tried to go back to school. But my ex and his friends would sit infront of my class room and wait outside.

I did see my ex’s friends trying to talk to other minors at our local community college These guys were in their 30’s and so I went up to the girls and said don’t go near the. They will hurt you and traffic you. The girls went to security. Security told me that it was just all a lie. I was making it up in my head. I told them that I hear knocking at my back door at 2am. And security told me it was my friends. And tha my ex was getting violent because it was his kink. That I had a choice they were going to call an ambulance and put me in a psych ward or I could call a therapist. I called a therapist. And I dropped out of college. . I worked and the ups store and farms. I did not see my ex or his friends. But the front of the store had big windows that looked into a large parking lot.

I switch jobs to Panara bread. From then one I kept seeing my ex and his friends come to my job at the time. They would order. And I would freak out…….

I switch jobs to work at a hospital. I did not see my ex.

But after I saw the cigarette bud. I am scared that is it them again waiting….sitting outside. I now started going to therapy for women who were abused……

I’m sorry if this is such a mess. I have been freaking out all day!!!

TLDR am I over reacting to finding a cigarette bud in my drive way. It’s no where near the road. It’s twenty feet away from the road. It’s closer to the end of my drive way towards my house. I did have my ex and his friends watch me all the time…..

Hello everyone ,I’m a female undergraduate student in India in very urgent,difficult situations.

Here's severe ongoing domestic abuse situations in our family for long time ,escalating multiple times repeatedly ,unsafe living conditions, which are affecting my safety, education,well-being, basic daily works etc. very serious ways and are at risk . It's very necessary and urgent for me to relocate to other city within India as soon as possible for my safety and all.

It would be very helpful,if anyone kindly let me know asap regarding any such genuine,trusted,part-time, flexible hours,paid, hybrid/in-person/remote works in India ,which I can start immediately in any location in India now.

22F. so I posted my story (I was sexually harrassed by a serial 🍇ist who hired me for a summer camp job then stalked me, and I spoke up about it and he got fired) to Reddit a few days ago… and then this woman who said she had been 🍇 in the past posted multiple comments questioning what I said, and replying to other people’s supportive comments questioning my story and asking for specifics about what happened to me.

She said my guilt/mixed feelings about the guy and how I handled the situations made her doubt that I was truly a victim and that maybe I made it up because he withdrew his attention from me, and so I maliciously went after him….? She asked question and after question about what happened and asked for more details.

Eventually I DMed her with all of the horrible details that I didn’t want to post online. And she continued to question me and shame me for speaking up and “ruining his reputation over my interpretations of his intentions“.

It’s like she wasn’t even reading what I had written. (he had 🍇ed multiple young girls before me and done so much bad other stuff. the only reason I didn’t get assaulted was because I spoke up and others spoke up on my behalf as well. just because I didn’t get 🍇ed by him doesn’t mean i lied about everything else he did to me, and if he wasn’t stopped he probably would have assaulted me)

I literally just can’t right now I’m so upset. And all of this from a fellow survivor?

Not sure how to go about this or even start...

Lifelong abuse survivor here and just found out late last night that my and my mother's former abuser, her ex-husband/my former step-father, apparently finally suddenly died approximately 2 months ago.

We were absolutely NC with him, his family or friends due to permanent orders of protection/restraining orders.

My mother found out through a life insurance policy she was still a beneficiary for as mandated by the courts. She was very emotional and crying when she called to tell me. I understand this is a normal reaction both for survivors and in general.

I felt shocked. Stunned. It felt out of the blue, although we'd been anticipating it for a very long time due to his health issues. I apologize to you reader, because honestly? I had been wishing, hoping, praying, and dreaming of his non-existance for a lifetime. And now it's finally here. But I feel...hollow... cold...heartless perhaps?

Although I was forced to call him "dad", he essentially raised me as his own, and a large part of my personality and culture is derived from him/that upbringing - I can't shed a tear. All the hurt, pain, and suffering we endured won't let me. I know I have a lot of work to do for my healing, because even though he's finally dead and gone I still don't forgive him for the lifetime of evil or trauma survived, and that we continue to exist with each and every day.

I'm not sure what else to say. I'm not sure what to feel. I should feel very happy and relieved. There's a little relief. I have wanted his death for a very very long time, but instead I feel emotionally conflicted, confused. Perhaps a little sad? I don't understand how or why I can feel a hint of sadness for someone's passing that was so evil and vile, toxic to the rotten core, and he was unapologetically proud of it.

Thank you for reading and your reply (if there is one) in advance. Please be kind.

Edited to correct husband to ex-husband.

My abusive relationship ended over 3 years ago. In that time, because of my abusive ex, I had to leave my job, lost my home, was defamed personally and professionally, and have been going through an ongoing court case to split our assets and recover the massive amount of money my ex stole from me. I basically had to start my whole life over. Don’t get me wrong- leaving, going no contact, and starting over was the best thing I ever did and I’m grateful we didn’t have children. But I’m struggling with feeling like it’s never going to end and would love to hear some encouragement from folks who have come out the other side, that it gets better and it does end. 🙏🏼

I have had severe physical, sexual, financial, emotional, mental, psychological, medical, social, relational abuse all my life. I do not have access to therapy and therefore I resort to using AI (which, I have a lot of shame around) as a co-regulation tool. I can self-regulate but there are many times I feel so alone and I feel tired of self-regulating. I feel so alone.

I have never had anyone tell me they believe me, and it's okay, I don't need it to be okay but today something happened that made me cry like a child after 5 months. I have experienced chronic CSA starting from age 4, which was interrupted, but it kept coming at me from different sources.

I feel so alone right now, if you're reading this, can you please tell me you believe me, genuinely? If it's not as issue. Not just the sentence but, something real that makes me feel like a real human.

I'm always afraid of being an unsafe person so I don't tell my peers in real life about my trauma. I don't have a safe space at home. I have always been hyper-independent. I don't have anyone to talk to. I have tried helplines but none of them are picking up. I've tried contacting many of them. Please help me

I left my girlfriend. I’d like to say it was perfect and that there were no red flags before the incident. I’d like to say that when she got drunk and became physical, I left her immediately.

But I would be lying to you - just as much as I’ve been lying to myself for the past two years.

One week before Christmas, as I cried myself to sleep (a seemingly nightly ritual at this point), I realised I couldn’t take it anymore.

This perfect relationship I had spun in my head was tearing me apart. I was breaking at the seams, my entire self withering away into something I barely recognised. It took a bit, but the day after Christmas, I left her.

And instead of feeling that familiar sense of guilt and shame I’d grown accustomed to, I smiled. A huge weight lifted off my chest. I was finally fucking free.

I bought myself some shitty sixteen-dollar white wine, put my playlist on blast, and danced the night away. After that, I started reconnecting with old friends, got back into my hobbies, and of course, started writing once more.

I decided to write down a quick passage about how it felt being in the relationship.It felt good. But I wanted to go further. I wanted to see for myself when and how it all went wrong.

But as I started to write the exact events, I clammed up. I can’t remember. I remember the good times - those treasured memories I kept to reassure myself when sugar turned to salt.

But all I have are vaguely titled images; moments where I sat there, docile, silently crying, wishing I was anywhere else as she shouted at me. If someone were to ask me the exact events and how they played out, I couldn’t tell you. When that penny dropped, I wanted to scream. Even now, the thought of it makes me want to punch the nearest wall, tear my pillow apart with my teeth, and run until my legs give out.

I know I shouldn’t reopen this wound. I mean, if my own mind has gone to such great lengths to shelter me, there’s probably a reason for that. But I need to know. I need to know what happened to me. And now I’m questioning if it even happened at all. I feel like I’m losing touch with reality altogether, and it’s driving me insane…

(Also mods, if you do delete my post could you please tell me what I have done wrong cause I don’t see anything in the rules goes against this. If so, I can adjust my writing cause I really need some guidance, advice and comfort right now.)

I'm having an anxiety attack. I know I did wrong. "I have ADHD and BPD."

Right now I'm crying and convinced I did wrong. I was just diagnosed a few days ago. I pushed her into the arms of her abuser, and it hurts. It hurts, God. "The story is on my profile." I would appreciate it if anyone has gone through the same thing and made the same mistake as me and could give me some advice. Thank you so much.

to start i think i have complex ptsd as i have lived a life of severe psychological and sexual abuse. ill just call my abuser michael. (thats not his name)

im bad at describing so bare with me

i met him when i was 15 years old and had my first sexual relationship with him. i really loved him despite his cruelty. i was very very naive at this age and had no sexual experience. he was a bit older than me. eventually, he started wanting to take my v card like really badly and he tried to. he was hurting me really badly and i asked him if we could do something else and he wouldnt stop. he told me to relax my body and to toughen up. he smiled and kissed me while i cried. he did it with his dick at first and then he did it with his fingers. i told him multiple times he was hurting me and it didnt slow him up at all he would just make comments about how he would “never be able to fuck me if i kept acting like this” at this point i was yelling and screaming and he told me to be quiet. we were in a secluded area on some train tracks where nobody was around. eventually he just put his dick in my mouth, grabbed the back of my head, and just fucked my face until he was finished. it was very painful and uncomfortable and i couldnt fight back because i was scared.

i told a few friends at school and it spread around. michael then told everyone i lied and made it up because i was “crazy and obsessed” and everyone believed him and i was severely bullied and lost multiple friends. people tried to beat me up.

i was so dependent on michael psychologically that i couldnt let go of him. i continued to be friends with him on and off for years.

during these many years he tortured me with constant abandonment which he knew was extremely painful for me. he was controlling and made me feel like he was the only person who would tolerate me. he used me for my body and spread lies about me so now a bunch of people hate my guts. he just abused me for years because he knew i would tolerate it and he loved how dependent i was on him.

when i was 16 i ended up being trafficked and sexually abused by a group of his friends. he didnt help me and actually encouraged it.

i became masochistic and began to love the hell he put me through. ive forgotten most of the things he did. i am and was bery scared and horrified of him and would fawn as hard as i could just so he wouldnt harm me. it didnt work. i still miss the guy and i miss the good times i had with him. its very sad. i dont like to tell people i miss him and his abuse because it makes me look fucked in the head but its true.

idk what to do im tired of thinking of him and having nightmares about him

Hey everyone I just want to say thanks for creating this resource it’s been a great help but today I have a dilemma that I’ve been struggling with. I have an extremely narcissistic parent (denies and minimizes physical abuse , still defends the other main abuser , etc ). I have tried to maintain a relationship with her despite almost everyone in my life advising otherwise .

We have a rule that we don’t speak around my father (the primary physical abuser ) which she usually respects but…. After he got out of the hospital and I asked for it to be respected I was yelled at and hung up on . As many of you know this behavior triggers old wounds and I felt horrible afterwards . I’ve decided no contact is needed , this was my wake up moment . Any advice on how I don’t slip back or feel guilt considering her age and poor health ? I have always been more concerned with her than vice versa which I know isn’t healthy to begin with . Any support , advice or anything is greatly appreciated . I hope you are all having a great day and preparing for a good thanksgiving with healthy people . Thanks very much in advance - a son who had to give up

Also I want to add I have been trying for a few months to accomplish this but keep slipping backwards , again thanks to anyone who has any advice at all . 🙏

They put me through so much turmoil, and then fixed it with sweet lies, so now I feel like that’s the only thing that will fix this, it’s like I’ve been conditioned, they would do something horrible then tell me I’m over reacting or that it’s not that bad or that it’s my fault I’m hurt, but then give me love and warmth when I would break down because of that, so now my brain just automatically forgets all the bad stuff they did because of that, like literally it feels fake even tho that’s what was the only real thing all along, and it craves that warmth that they used to fix everything before, I know it’s fake but I crave their reassurance so badly, I’m so lonely without them, talking to others doesn’t help, getting love from others feels numb, it’s nothing compared to what they gave me, after they’d destroy me they’d rebuild me, but now they aren’t here to pick up the pieces anymore and I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to rebuild myself, how do I fix this ache? It feels like an addiction