I know not everyone is as spiteful as myself, but I’m looking for some absolutely disrespectful things to do with my father’s ashes. He was an awful horrible person who abused many and killed himself right when we were about to get legal justice. As his only child, I get his remains and I want to do things with them that would really piss him off. He was a racist, sexist bigot who thought of women as property and wrote TWO whole novels fantasizing about grooming and using me as a sex slave. Let’s get creative.

TLDR: my sister wants to invite our brother that sexually abused me to her wedding, despite knowing about the abuse and that I have been no contact with him for a year and a half. Am I wrong for giving her an ultimatum?

My sister and I have recently come into a disagree regarding her wedding. She wants to invite my brother who sexually assaulted me several times throughout childhood even though she knows I have been no contact with him for a year and a half now.

To give some backstory, I came out about the abuse after 15+ years of keeping it to myself in November 2024. After initially confessing it to my husband, sister, and parents, my brother essentially denied it ever happening and says “he doesn’t remember” that happening. I find this hard to believe due to the nature, circumstance, and repetition of the abuse. He has even made strange analogies comparing himself to Job from the Bible. Saying that he feels like everything is being taken away from him and that the devil is trying to ruin his life. This is obviously invalidating to me because he is comparing himself to an innocent figure in the Bible that lost everything he loved and owned.

Since then, my family of origin has been in disarray. I have been no contact with my brother and have essentially chosen to remove myself and my family from any situation in which we may have to interact(family holidays, birthdays, etc.) My parents and sister still have a relationship with him, he even still lives on my parent’s property. This has obviously made visiting my parents and extended family extremely difficult and has ostracized me from the family.

Throughout the time of navigating this, my family has been anything but understanding. For one, my mom has never once brought it up to me to ask how I’m doing and even when I initially told my parents about it, she refused to talk to me and made my dad do all the communication regarding all of this. She has then proceeded to continue life as normal as if I didn’t just drop this bomb of information on her and she doesn’t understand my distance. She continually talks about him and brings him up in conversation with me. She has even suggested that we all (myself, kids, husband, sister, brother, and parents) all take a family skiing trip and stay in a cabin together. I have confronted her several times about this and nothing has changed. I finally had to have a come to Jesus moment with her, where she then tried to act like she “didn’t know I wanted her to ask how I was doing” and then ghosted me for almost a month. We then broke this spell of not communicating on Easter of this year where we had a phone call that didn’t address anything and just skipped back to “normal” conversation. Furthermore, throughout the time of not talking, she kept randomly love bombing me by sending things for my kids, like clothes and Easter items. I decided to just let it go and not bring it up again for the time being.

Everything was again seeming somewhat cordial until we found out that my sister is now planning to get married this summer. Her and her fiancé are planning a fast engagement and wedding. Initially, I was super excited for her and we immediately jumped into wedding planning, however, I soon became riddled with anxiety on if she was planning to invite our brother. She knows that we are no contact, but again she still has a relationship with him. I brought it up to her several times where she basically just blew me off until it all came to a head one night over text messages. Essentially in the messages we discussed that I would not feel comfortable having him there and having myself or my kids around him. To say her reaction was awful is an understatement.

Of course I am trying to have some understanding for her because I know it’s her wedding day and it should be all about her, but that still doesn’t negate my experience. In the messages she victim blamed me, told me that I’m making her feel horrible for even getting married, threatened to not even have a wedding anymore and that it would be my fault, and said “you can’t really expect me to not invite MY BROTHER to my wedding. He’s still my family and I want him there” and “I know you’re hurt, but you also knew I would get married one day.” She said I am not being supportive or understanding of her at all and excused his actions because this happened when we were kids and the rest of his life shouldn’t be ruined because of something that happened when we were children.

I then proceeded to set a firm boundary that it’s fine if she wants to invite him, but that my husband, kids, and I would then not be there. She said that I always put her in the middle of everything and that I shouldn’t assume what it’s like to be her. While I can agree that it’s difficult to be “in the middle”, for her to compare that to the abuse that I endured for years feels so dismissive, invalidating, and shows that she doesn’t understand the true scope of how sexual trauma sticks with you. Furthermore, she said that nobody in the family knows how to confront me about anything and that I make this situation impossible for anyone to navigate. This once again has made me feel ostracized and like the black sheep of the family. Also, she mentioned how she doesn’t want to deal with the questions from extended family about why one of us wouldn’t be at her wedding. She said she would try to work around us both being there and we wouldn’t have to interact at all.

I can’t trust that this would be the case even if my sister and parents addressed my brother about not confronting me about anything. Since being no contact, he has mailed me a strange printed photo album book full of photos of him and my children after I made it VERY clear that I feel he is not a safe person for my kids to be around. He also showed up after dark to the cabin I was staying at on my parents property during a weekend I had tried to come down to visit with my parents even after my dad had told him I would be there and not to go down to the cabin for the weekend. Luckily, my dad was still down there talking with me on the deck when he pulled up. He told me to go inside the cabin and then handled the situation himself. I feel that my brother has proven he can’t be trusted with respecting people’s boundaries even when asked by multiple people to do so.

Of course this isn’t a detailed description of all the situations and nuances that come with this, but it is a general summary. We are now at a stalemate after I went into a detailed explanation of the abuse I endured. After having to relive all the trauma to truly explain it to her because simply saying “he molested and abused be throughout childhood” wasn’t enough, she then asked insensitive follow up questions like “I thought this only happened one time. Do our parents know all the details?, etc.”

To wrap this all up, I am feeling very misunderstood, disrespected, and disappointed. I don’t understand why I am being blamed for making her feel horrible, making everything difficult, and ruining her wedding day when I am not the one that created this situation. Nobody wants to put the blame where it should justly be, which is on my brother. He chose this, not me, not my parents, and not my sister, but my husband and I are the only ones that seem to grasp that. At this point, I don’t know what to do because now she is saying she just won’t invite him, but it feels like it’s done begrudgingly and not out of love and understanding. I don’t want to attend the wedding or her upcoming graduation in May until I receive a genuine apology. Am I justified in my feelings? Should I still attend the wedding? Should I be apart of the wedding party? Am I wrong for giving her an ultimatum?

My son 15 and GF 14 (R) have been dating a year. R’s parents are very strict. For the past year they have not been allowed to go anywhere alone. Either the mother comes along or R’s younger siblings 11 and 10 come along .

My son and R see each other at school and maybe once a month outside of school. My son said they only had their first kiss 3 months ago. Yesterday they thought they were alone ( little brother was hiding in the bushes). They went in a single use bathroom kissed and did a few more things. Her mother found them in the bathroom. She grabbed R by the neck and drug her out calling her and making son names. A few minutes later My son called me just as the mom text me. Her text said she was disgusted and didn’t want the two of them together.

My son told me what had gone on.

When he got home he he talked to me some more. He showed me text where they had discussed how far they wanted to go and boundaries.

The mom text again to say her daughter was now going to be homeschooled and pulled out of school and R would no longer have a phone or computer. She said R would no longer have contact with anyone outside the family because of my son.

I let my son know all of this.

He then told me R had disclosed to him her father was abusing her and her sister. He showed me several texts from months ago where she mentioned abuse.

I have no idea what to do. Do I try to talk to mom? Make a report?

Am I way off here?

Hey, I'm new here. I've been mulling this over for the last year, but I think I'm gonna divorce my husband. I've outgrown the relationship and I'm tired of his verbal abuse. Plus I'm pretty sure I was groomed in some way? Or something like it?

We got together when I was 19 and he was 27. I'm currently 30 and he's 38. We've been together 10 years now, married for going on four years. He cheated on me early on in our relationship but denied it until recently when he finally confessed but only because I already knew about it. I knew from the moment he did it. He's always been up in my face, screaming, blocking me from leaving the room, making me shut down and not say anything which made him scream more. Then, eventually, I grew a backbone and started fighting back, screaming back at him and shutting him down. But this was detrimental to our kiddos, because now they see mom backed into a corner and showing her claws, which *he* uses against me and to make me seem crazy.

Recently, it's gotten a lil physical too. Like if I defend myself from his constant touching, he'll hit me back harder. Not enough to bruise, because of course he'd be careful about that. He never stops when I say stop. He only listens when I get mad and say he's ignoring my boundaries. Then he gets pissy and says he was just playing. He gets all stupid alpha and says he owns me, he owns certain body parts of mine. I say I'm not owned by anyone and he says our marriage certificate is proof that he owns me. I should have known better than to marry him because he says he'll never divorce me.

He's never been super physical. Mostly it was just body blocking or using something else to his advantage, like slamming on the brakes so I got choked by a seatbelt. He's never punched or kicked me or anything just to be clear.

But I'm still scared to just tell him I don't want to be married to him anymore. The last time we broke up, it was volatile, and he used stupid things to put protection orders against me for our kids and him. He got my tribe's court to grant him emergency custody. I was homeless and jobless and had nothing. I stayed with my cousin at the time. I ended up going back to him because I was scared I couldn't make it on my own. I was also scared he'd do something stupid to our kids because he bought a gun days after our break up. Later he admitted to sitting them down in front of him and had plans to shoot himself. Who the fuck does that?

So I came back for the boys. Told myself I could survive another ten years. But I'm hitting my breaking point because I've seen what healthy looks like. And it will never be healthy with him.

I need tips. Advice. Sympathy. Camaraderie. How do I do this without it blowing up like it did last time?

Im a 21 year old female and I was in a very physical and emotionally abusive relationship since I was 18. I got out of it about 5 months ago.

I’ve always been a quiet, social anxious person which has led me to not have any friends to talk to about it…. Also, my abuser didn’t like me trying to make friends. My abuser is friends with pretty much everyone… and constantly makes up lies about me.

When we were together, I felt like I was losing my mind because how hard he tried to convince me I’m a terrible person while at the same time beating me, attempting to strangle me, threatening to kill me, and showing up to my workplace to harrass me. I ended up having to quit my job after I broke up with him.

The stuff he has said about me during our relationship won’t leave my head. I feel like such a worthless unlovable person and I don’t even feel comfortable looking at myself in the mirror anymore.

I ,13M was SA'd when I was a kid by my father, from 6-11 years old, he was also involved with drugs, and protective services got involved, but the thing is, they don't know about the abuse or drugs, and they transferred me into the care of someone else because the house was in kinda bad shape because it used to be abandoned.

I have a therapist that I see, and I want to tell her about my abuse that happened, but because my mom is also trying to get me back, she doesn't want me to tell anyone.

My sister, who's an adult also still lives with him, and I want to save her to and put him in jail. I also tried to explain to mom that telling my therapist wouldn't stop the process, maybe only pause it, but she still says no. And I also don't want to have to make her move again because he knows the address because they've allowed visits around the area where she lives.

Should I tell someone? I don't want to keep it secret and I also kind of decided, but I just want a more opinions on it

Hi there! This is my first ever post but I though I should do this, as I am completely lost on how to change my situation or support myself.

I [19F] developed long covid and POTS in 2021,  both contributing to my chronic fatigue. Prior to my illness , the plan to get freedom and distance from my father [61M] once I went to uni seemed attainable. Though now that I am sick, my living condition( living with constant mental and emotional abuse) seems life-long.

Some background on our relationship: One of my first core memories of my dad, is him screaming and berating 5 year-old me for struggling with my math homework (which later turned out to be undiagnosed discalcula and dyslexia - among my other disabilities like diagnosed ADD and OCD)  to the point my papers were soaked with tears. Another one that comes to mind, is the same kind of shouting and insults at toddler me for spilling my cups of juice. I was so scared from this that would frantically try to clean up my mess before he saw me (sometimes slightly wetting myself). And I still find myself ,even now, when I break or drop something accidentally, getting the same surge of anxiety over my father's anger (although it happens much less now in relation to those specific situations).

Other traits of his abuse include: physical threats and initimdation (getting in my face, threatening to something "very bad" to me), manhandling (yanking my arm or shirt collar), throwing and damaging objects (tossing a chair or punching a hole in a door), insulting me and my mother (stupid, idiot, cunt, fat, bitch), just belittling us or gaslighting our experinces of him, reckless driving when angry, intense mood swings (lovely one second and a monster another - requiring us to walk on eggshells around his mood). He's also just very lazy in some ways and slobbish (not cleaing up after himself when he cooks, leaving bags of his rubbish next to his living room seat, not closing bathroom door after hes done (yes number 2s as well) ).

My dad was raised by a narcissistic  abusive father with undiagnosed autism and a very passive mother. He is ALSO has undiagnosed Autism. All of these things combined explain his behaviour (not that it makes it exceptable).

Though the problem is, in other ways, he is amazing: he drives me to school every day to avoid me wasting energy, he is supportive of me and my ambitions (has never made me feel academic pressure or tried to mold me into a specific person and has funded many of my hobbies - along with my mum), generous with money, does most of our house renovations/ handy work by himself (sometimes with a bit of help from me), he stays up late for me when I go out with friends, and has advocated for me educationally and medically. He can also be a really good person for me to talk to my feelings about, even about ways he hurts me. He often validates them and is good at apologising but never does anything to change them.

I've had enough of the lack of change. I am going to uni this September. The plan was to do first year in halls with the help of disability support and the support of my parents (bringing me things, checking in on me, taking me home every other weekend). I am partially self-capable but I often have need rest days every few days, that largely rely on the support of my parents (feeding me, taking up my chores etc). For the following two years of my course, the plan was to live at home but I dont think thats possible for me anymore (at least mentally and emotionally).

I was was wondering how I might be able to manage and support myself (both physically and financially) if end up living away for years 2 and 3 . I do have PIP, my parents financial support, and planning to get various student loans. But of course  those loans wont carry over when I graduate and my PIP allowance isn't livable.

I am concerned about this because after a recent argument, I gave him an ultimatum: either he starts therapy by October, or I go "no contact" with him. But I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to enforce this if im not physically able, and thus not able to work or take care of myself. My dad DID say that he would financially and physically support me regardless, but I want to make "no contact" = NO CONTACT in any way shape or form.  Though my mum would probably willing to help me (it would be both physically and financially) burdensome on her (plus idk if dad would add his money to that too).

And I am realising that I DO really need him for things only HE can do (driving, handy work - because my mum cant do either).

Ultimately, I'm coming on here for links to UK disability support programmes and also advice about how to live alone as a disabled person. Any and all advice is welcome, thank you!!

TW: Potential physical, emotional, and verbal abuse

I'm not sure if I have been abused. If we go according to the textbook/law, it seems like I have, but I feel like mine is minor compared to most stories I hear. For context, I was born into an immigrant family, and most people who have also been born in a POC family can agree that there's a lot of physical abuse going on in there. In my situation, I've experienced a fair share of abuse, it was mainly slapping and being hit on the head repeatedly. It had happened until I reached the age of 12, but I never bruised. I know this is stupid to believe the same people who have physically hurt me, but my parents used to constantly tell me that it's not abuse unless I actually show physical signs of being hurt. I'm 18 years old now, and I continue to deal with the emotional and verbal side of abuse from my parents, at least I think I do.

My mom has called me a nuisance, difficult to take care of and an ungrateful spirit. She has said many other things, but those are the ones that I remember off the top of my head. There are times when, after an argument, she refuses to talk to me. She constantly downplays my emotions and the situations I've been through. She goes as far as to try to tell me I'm remembering my memories wrong when I know I'm not. I've picked up journaling just to disprove that fact. She can be so horrible some days, and sometimes I feel like she just takes her anger out on me, just because there's no one else to take her anger out on. Other times, I feel like she's just treating me like an extension of herself. An extension that refuses to listen. She tries to dedicate every single portion of my life (anything you can imagine, actually). I can't really speak on my dad cause ever since he stopped beating me, he's kinda just been emotionally unavailable, MIA, some might say. Both of them have continuously invaded my privacy and say it's for the sake of parenting, or because I gave them "trust issues," but like... I was a 13-year-old kid breaking a small rule of having a social media account.

But even with all of this, there's the other side, where they're nice to me, they pay for my school, take me out to eat dinner, buy me presents for my birthday, and all the other parent jazz. My mom constantly questions whether I had a good childhood, and I find myself just saying yes cause it's easier that way. That or she'll constantly mention how great my dad is for constantly being present in our lives when a good portion of my life, my dad was either at work physically or working in the basement, or present but not really there. I feel like I'm ungrateful or going insane for thinking this about my parents, about my family. I feel like I'm the one who's over exaggerating, and I have no idea how to go about this. I mean, during my earlier teen stages, I was so sure that I was being abused, but at this point, I'm not sure anymore.

Has anybody had any experience in contacting/dealing with The National Domestic Violence Hotline? I’ve tried reaching out for help many times but have not been able to get ahold of a single representative. I’ve tried using their chat feature, calling the hotline, and texting their listed text option. I’ve tried all of these multiple times over a number of days, also at various times of the day/night. Every single time I reach out, the immediate response I receive is “Currently, we are experiencing unusually high wait times and have limited availability for live services. To ensure safety, this interaction will be disconnected, we apologize for this. We encourage you to visit thehotline.org for more information and resources and to try reaching us again later”. This is followed by the instant shutting down of whatever means I was attempting to reach out with. The chat gets closed. The phone hangs up. And the text resets.

Due to the ongoing abuse I’m subjected to, I question the validity of this automated response. Does anybody else consistently receive this response when they reach out? Seems quite ridiculous that a national service focused on assisting those experiencing violence and abuse are repeatedly just hung up on. Is this a complete failure of the national hotline itself? Or could this actually be some form of tampering that prevents me from receiving the help that I need?

I (f18) need to get out of this house but I have no credit. I also don't know how to be an adult because my parents forced me to rely on them so heavily. my boyfriend (m20) also lives in an abusive animal hoarding situation however he has someone he can live with. I do not. My bf can move in with his friend but his friend is too far from my job and I cannot make that commute daily as I already live 25+ minutes from my job and would be living 40+ minutes if I also lived with them. I do not have my own car as my parents bought me a truck after an accident with a deer in my car so it is under my name and theirs. However the problem is, my mom drives my truck and I drive her car. I work 7 days a week and make $16/hr so it's not as much money being a problem as it is finding someone who will rent to me. I'm just stuck, can anyone help me? I live in Missouri if anyone has resources for us around here.

I’m 29. She‘s 63. (Both of us in the USA) Abusers want power and control over their victims, and so does she.

I am her victim, and she’s ruthless. She’s not going to stop, unless I leave for the second time, on short notice (and I can’t leave because I have no money/job—yet—and no storage unit). I also don’t have support in-person; only friends online & out of state who have empathy for me & some of them are survivors, themselves. Even though they’re not allowed to help (there are ramifications for them helping me—and this is why my abuser has gotten away with it, since 2011, when I was a teenager).

She is mentally ill herself. She deflects from her mental illnesses, by making me go to see psychiatrists. It’s for financial gain. She’s losing control of me and my finances, so she’s gaslighting psychiatrists into thinking I’m “crazy”, “bipolar”, “psychotic”, “slow” and “autistic”—4 words she’s using often. Me going no contact and moving out in 2023, for a few months sent her over the edge. I still live on my own, and she’s angry about that. She wants me in a residential psych ward. I have no money to escape, but I passed 1 job interview (not hired yet, but getting there) and have 1 more interview soon.

Because my abuser is desperate to use my false diagnosis to gaslight psychiatrists (it’s actually supposed to be her diagnosis—all the things she accuses me of doing, are what she does & has), what actions can I take?

She has a god complex. She believes her word is the law and when I see through her lies, then she enlists psychiatrists as her enablers/flying monkeys to make me conform to her (and their) fixed beliefs about me. I’m the only person who sees through her & knows she’s basically pimping me out for SSI checks. She’s trying to see me end up in a lifelong psych ward, by making stories up about me to tell psychiatrists because—right now—it’s my word against hers, unless I basically end my lease early (and isn’t there a cancellation/early termination fee?) and move out secretly, when she’s unaware.

Because the only chance I have left is getting a job, she thinks I’m “stuck in a fantasy” when I say I have to get a job in order to pay my rent and bills. Me being independent and self-sufficient triggers her & makes her lash out. Since she failed to isolate me and physically abuse me (we did have 3 DV incidents which led to me moving out), she’s using psychiatrists to medically isolate me and hoping they will hospitalize me. Because she’s angry she can’t control me anymore.

And her biggest fear is me exposing her. It triggers her and makes her have mood swings (which she‘s always had, but they happen more often when I confront her about the abuse).

Since I moved out 3 years ago, she’s not violent anymore, but she’s demanded I move back in with her if she can no longer defraud Social Security (my checks go to her & she‘s defrauding Social Security to pay my rent. This is all for financial gain & because she legitimately believes her delusions about me being mentally ill. I have CPTSD).

So….. What options do I have?

——————————
Extra background details I forgot to mention:

1. My government assistance ran out. My benefits have lapsed.
   
2. The only chance I’ve got is Section 8. I have no money, though—but, I might if I’m able to work. I do have a Section 8 apartment lined up.
   
3. My abuser has Munchausen‘s By Proxy. Because she failed at it, she’s still trying to make others see I’m “sick“, “mentally ill”, etc. No. She is.
   

4. I was instructed by her to say and do certain things for psychiatrists for financial gain. In her delusional mind, this is her way of making me financially independent.

5. I’m also having dental surgery on May 22nd. And going on vacation with my abuser for 3 days, from the 15th to 17th of May—as karma, I decided I will have a good time at the event I’m going to. I did not pay for her ticket to go, so she will be at the hotel bored. While I am at the event, all day from 10am to 5pm, 3 days in a row, having fun and eating my heart out. All the lies, abuse (multiple forms, by her & her enablers), defamation, instigation, and the abuse she allowed other people to do to me—This is her karma. When anyone tries to ruin my life (and the lives of others), karma always comes back around.

6. I have a potential opportunity to move out of state. However, I don’t have a storage unit for my stuff, yet. That’s the biggest issue. Because I don’t have a job yet (that could all change within the next few days), my livelihood & physical health are in limbo. Basically, if I don’t move out or save enough money to move in the future, I will be hooked on pills again.

7. I was an addict from 2013 to 2020. My abuser hated when I got sober. This is also a massive factor as to why she wants me to relapse and isolated medically (aka hospitalized) again. My 6 years of sobriety has meant medical & mental independence for me, but another way she lost control at the time. I have to find a therapist as soon as possible, to restrict her control of me (and other people’s current control of me).

I already know the dangers of what will happen to me if she has control over me and my medical decisions. She’s fighting hard to Britney Spears me, and wants me in a conservatorship. Mine is non-governmental right now (her method of it was, she put me on Social Security in 2015, instead of filing court orders to do it judicially).

1. I’ve lived on my own for 2 years. I‘ve had short stints of jobs, but not very long. She constantly calls me a failure (despite it being my choice to move out in 2023). She has daily mood swings and people don’t acknowledge that about her (or any of the abuse, either, because she’s nice in public and her true self comes out when she and I are alone).

2. Goals: I’m also an aspiring musician. There are 3 major opportunities I want to do, but financially can’t do right now (unless my job situation changes quickly). Those situations are:

3. I’m in the process of creating a collaboration album with a close friend of mine (but, it’ll take a few months).

4. (To get #1 finished) I also have a (record) producer interested in working with me right now & a publicist who secured a few interviews for me, with 3 or 4 music magazines.

5. A friend of mine invited me to join his virtual writing program. It’s a program designed to help abuse survivors write memoirs and get financial funding to release them, and also financial funding to turn their books into feature films. Books are passive income. Feature films are also passive income. This will take me several months to do, and anything can happen before the end of 2026. I’m working on backup plans, if my mom tries to control me, hospitalize me, slander me, medicate me, etc. again.

6. I’ve tried to make it while balancing 9 to 5 jobs for 13 years (I’ve worked in several industries, but I’ve finally found the right job for me—and my abuser is not happy with this. She’s triggered by me getting a job now, and demands my job be in our state and if it’s not in my state or remote, that I’m to quit that job immediately. So, I’m getting a job and saving money, while getting a therapist and removing the psychiatrist (thereby, eliminating my abuser’s medical by proxy abuse of me).

I’m terrified, but have faith. a resilient warrior, even though I’m terrified. I’ve come so far, and I’m not giving up. (I had a job interview yesterday & another one today—Company #1 wants to hire me, but that made my abuser angry/triggered. Company #2 might hire me, but I’m not sure about that. I’ve been sending applications left and right—and do have a resume, thankfully.)

———————-

I find it ironic that my abuser has zero physical control of me, and is desperate for it right now (so, her backup plan—which failed the first time—was getting psychiatrists to slander me to get me hospitalized because her isolating me has never worked), while my biggest opportunities are right in front of me, at this time (today—May 1st, 2026).

She’s also admitted herself, that she’s jealous of my drive, ambitions and success. And that she’s jealous of me. I also feel that’s a major factor of her abuse toward me.

I (22F) have escaped from my controlling and abusive household. I had a plan already, but outside factors basically fast-forwarded everything and I ended up leaving impromptu with little belongings/clothes and most of my stuff with sentimental value are in that house, including some important dentalwear. They also keep my passport. For safety reasons, I won't elaborate on the timeline or details of my escape.

My parents, who are my abusers, insist on me coming to the house (they changed the locks as soon as I escaped, but allowed me to bring a friend) to retrieve my belongings. I sent my friend to retrieve them some time ago but they went through hell talking with them and took a lot of berating, and was told they couldn't take anything and that I MUST be there. I planned for it to be this weekend but they told me they're busy and insist on me calling, which I surely don't want to.

There isnt a support group specifically for children escapers whose parents are the abusers, but I have talked with my therapist and an abuse help organization about it. Basically told me to just make sure I had support with me (which I do) but now I'm really second guessing things.

Advice about how I should go about this is much appreciated.

First of all, this will be a long post.

There is naivety here, there is probably lots to analyse and be critical of, but I genuinely just need to hear another person's thoughts. I am in a very dark place at the moment, mentally. I have absolutely no one to talk to about any of this. So please try to be helpful rather than critical, that's all I ask.

I am 38 male and met my girlfriend, 36 female, three years ago on a dating app. We hit it off immediately sending voice notes for weeks on end before meeting for a date. After our first date we were inseparable and started a relationship almost immediately.

Quick background check. My last serious relationship had been over a decade before, not because I couldn't have found one but for a very long time I was depressed. I shut myself in and didn't have a social life outside of work. One day I just decided that I wanted to meet someone and look for something serious.

So when I met my girlfriend and we aligned on so many goals, I believed that I had finally found the one. We spent every minute we could with each other, staying over at each other's, and it was great.

After about a month or so is when things began to change. A girl had commented on a Facebook post of mine, a post she was tagged in. It was a generic, pleasant comment. This girl just by coincidence was a customer at my girlfriend's workplace. She asked me how I knew her. I said we shared a friend group around 15 years before and had dated briefly.

She went off the rails with me. She threatened to end the relationship and asked me why I would have a girl "I f\*\*ked," in her words, still on my Facebook.

Anyway, I wrongly (understand now) pleaded with her not to. I said I was falling for her (I was) and pointed out how I was single and had no idea what was expected of people in relationships. I didn't know having previous people I had intimacy with would be interpreted like that, because I never had to consider it. So I went through my friends list and deleted many long-time Facebook friends that I had a "history" with.

We were very intimate, had an amazing sex life, and she fell pregnant after just two months. I was 35 at the time, she was 33. We were both happy because it was our first child, so we accepted it regardless of the time and were excited and moved into a house together.

Then things changed again. Pregnancy causes massive hormonal changes in women, affects mood, everything, and I was on the receiving end of everything. Intimacy was dead. She struggled to hug me and couldn't stand being around me. She regularly called me names when irritated, etc.

I put it all down to pregnancy hormones and just supported her. It was a very difficult time and I was constantly battling the worry of if it was something deeper.

Time passed. Our son was born. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. I can question lots, but my son, I've never known a love like it. I get emotional just thinking about how much I love him. When he arrived we had a difficult time adapting to a newborn but I loved it, because I always wanted to be a father.

However, things didn't change much between me and my girlfriend. I tried to be close and loving and was mostly shut down. Intimacy was almost non-existent and only really initiated by me, and I'm not talking about sex. I mean on a basic level.

Time passed again. Same patterns continued. Any and every frustration she felt would be directed at me. It would result in name-calling, then I would naturally defend myself and point out that she shouldn't call me names, and then she would tell me I need to calm down.

She wouldn't ask me to do something, she would tell me. I would ask her about her day or how she feels but she would never ask me. I genuinely cannot remember, in fact, the last time she asked me how I was doing, if I'm okay, or how work was. I would routinely go somewhere quiet and cry.

Amongst these patterns was my son, who brought me so much joy and still does. And sometimes my girlfriend would flip, she would be loving at least with words, and I would relax and then it would happen again.

My son is two years old now. Since his birth this has been the pattern over and over again and if anything it's gotten worse.

Just to emphasise the lack of intimacy, I believe we've had sex maybe 4 times since my son was born. We've done nothing else either, no other form of sexual activity, nothing. I brought it up many times and she would say it's her not me, but if that's the case then why would it also be a chore sometimes to hug me?

I began doing my own research and I am aware postpartum mothers can lose their libido indefinitely, but coupled with the name-calling and lack of respect, it felt much deeper, obviously.

I began wondering if it was down to preference, like we are both white but her boyfriends before me were black. So is that it? Am I just not her type? I can live with that. I would have a reason for why it feels like she hates me, it would make sense, but she would say no, that isn't it.

Worse still was that in my work (I manage a security team at a nightclub) I would regularly be approached by women who would be interested in me. They would compliment me, ask if I was single. I would never cheat, was never tempted, and I would be honest with them.

But it was upsetting. It was upsetting because I was receiving validation from strangers, when the one person I want it from cannot stand me.

Over the time since I have sat down with her many times and begged her to try to change. I'm not perfect, I react and get defensive, but no one should be calling me names. I've tried to explain how down it makes me feel. I told her it put me in a dark place and said everything felt like too much sometimes.

She called me a coward. She said I would be a coward for abandoning my son if I did anything stupid. I said I'm not going to do anything stupid, I'm trying to make you realise the affect it has on me. She tells me if I can't take it I should leave, acknowledges she's not easy, but in my opinion hasn't tried to change.

I would have probably left some time ago if my son was not in the picture to protect my mental health, but I cannot do it without looking like a father abandoning his family.

Fast forward to more recently. A month ago, we had a bit of alcohol and ended up having sex. Once. We had sex once. And what happened? She's pregnant again. Now I love my son and if I'm blessed with another child I will love them just as much. But things have gotten bad again, really bad, and I'm struggling. She's around 1 month pregnant now.

Last night she was frustrated with me and began calling me names. Here are some of the things she said last night alone:

disgusting,

F**king weirdo,

Absent father (I am here every moment I'm not at work and haven't been out with friends since August 2023),

Be a father for once (again, I'm with my son every single day),

You're vile,

Sick in the head,

You stink,

F**k off,

You're f**king thick,

A f**king joke of a man,

Be a man for once.

She said pregnancy is why she's calling me names and I said I don't care, meaning I don't care if you're pregnant it doesn't give you the right to call me names. She said I said I didn't care that she was pregnant, so I don't care about my unborn child and that's disgusting. That really hurt me.

Today she said she had stomach pain. Coincidentally, I laughed at something my son was doing. She began saying that I was laughing at her and it's weird, like I want something bad to happen to the baby. Again, this really hurt me.

I tried to explain it wasn't her I was laughing at and she said I have anger issues and need to sort them out or she's taking my son and leaving. So I left the room rather than argue.

She called after me, "It's disgusting that you'd laugh at that." So again I said please stop saying that, I wasn't laughing at you, end of story. She said again I need to calm down, I'm detrimental to my son.

I've left a lot out of this post.

I'm alone now. I've shed tears. I rang in sick for work because my job requires confidence, sometimes physicality, and I just don't feel strong enough anymore for it.

Outside of my relationship I am seen as a 'tough' man. I am well known in my industry, I work out regularly, I am well paid for what I do, and I now have imposter syndrome because deep down I'm just scared.

The other night a person entering the venue looked at me and said, "Are you okay?" More of a greeting than a question, but it actually touched me. I wanted to say no. I said, "Fine, thanks," and thought about it for the rest of the night.

Is this emotional abuse? Can things change? Am I wrong about all this? What do I do?

I’m about to get a protective order against them, I know it’s the right choice and that they won’t have changed enough just from rehab alone to get them back into my life, but I can’t stop thinking about all the good times, and all the promises, and all the positive changes they \\\\\\\*have\\\\\\\* made in the past, my hope was always that they’d eventually grow into a person who could love me since they’d shown real progress before, and I can’t stop yearning for them and for the life they promised with me, how do I let go of those hopes and dreams? They very likely won’t come true, and after they get out I doubt *they* will want them to anyways so they definitely won’t at that point, they chose the person they cheated on me with in the end already, and showed me those dreams weren’t their dreams anymore anyways, but how do I move on? It feels unfair that I’m the one mourning this relationship when I was the one abused and they are the one who threw it away when I was a great partner who was just hurt by them and wanted them to stick to their word and stop lying/abusing me, how do I stop feeling sad over them? How do I move on and stop hoping for the “best case scenario”?

Hi, I had an appointment with a victim support service and they want to know if I want to report or not. The issue for me is that as soon as I report he will get informed and I am scared of that, I am scared of him retaliating. He knows where I live and everything. They told me I should not worry about this, that the police can protect me, but to me this feels like painting a target on my back for the rest of my life. Does that make sense? Has anyone here tips or own experiences with reporting? Just for context: he is my ex and he was pretty much coercive through our whole relationship, sometimes he would straight up rape me I guess and in the end he raped me rather violently, I had scar tissue from that time but I never went to the police, bjt a doctor can certify that I have scars from anal rape, sorry to be this blunt.

Currently, I live with my boyfriend (now ex) and I am kind of trapped Doing so due to financial reasons. I’ve spent the last five years switching jobs at least three times in an effort to make enough money to afford my own place. It’s been a struggle with a lot of sacrifice, but I’m finally right on the cusp.

He has a long history of addict behavior, mostly surrounding alcohol, but also including cannabis and meth. The cannabis is not a problem, but it highlights his dependency because he cannot go a day without it.

He also has a history of gaslighting, lying, and hiding things and being extremely dishonest. I say gaslighting because he has looked me in the eyes and told me and promised me that he wasn’t doing the very thing he was actually doing it at the time.

There have been three major incidents of abuse on his end towards me where he almost got a restraining order. I didn’t because I didn’t wanna make him homeless and showed mercy.

The first incident was him leaving massive bruises on my arm and slamming me to the ground while he was drunk. He of course apologized profusely for it the next day and begged me not to get the restraining order because he’d be homeless. I didn’t get the restraining order, but I made ground rules and boundaries concerning his drinking which wear as follows;

• Do not hide alcohol from me or lie about it. If he plans to he needs to communicate.

• If you drink, you are to stay somewhere else

• He is not to drink at the apartment

That’s it. That’s all I asked.

He broke that agreement. Drank and came home. Screaming, slamming doors.

The second incident he had been drinking (he states it was one drink but still he’d been drinking) he ran over my leg with his van when at I was his van side door trying to tell him to stop screaming. He backed up, ran my leg over and left me. It should have gotten him arrested but LAPD never followed up about it. I never was able to find out why. But it was on file.

Again, begged me not to file a restraining order and honestly this time I should have but I couldn’t afford to hold down the apartment by myself yet. At the same time my service dog of 15 years died. It was the worst time of my life.
I needed to rely on him for help. I *hated* it.

Again, laid down that agreement and also included that he do therapy. He agreed and actually did the therapy. Helped some.
But he broke the agreement again because he went and hung out with a friend, drank, came home and began screaming at me. Police were called - he went and slept in his van and police filed a report.

Now, after a five-year plan of saving and freeing myself financially, I’m right on the cusp of being able to afford my own place. Back in January, he got drunk again, came home and screamed at me until 4:30 or five in the morning. Slammed into things stumbled and fell made messes. I had to call out of work the next day because I worked at 7:30. I sent a video of him screaming at me and slamming things around to my boss. Police showed up, including the chief of police, but stated that they couldn’t arrest him because he had assaulted me, but they saw his behavior. The two officers encouraged a restraining order once more and provided their badge numbers.

But I still wasn’t quite ready financially to leave. It really sucked and I’m really mad because I WAS so close financially. I didn’t put the restraining order on him this final time either.

Now, in the present, his birthday just passed on May 7. Since the January incident, he has been in therapy and doing group for alcoholism. He’s been doing better admittedly and went without an incident since January and has not drank in the apartment.

However, he admitted to me on May 8 that he had a drink on May 7 without consulting me and had hit it and initially lied when I asked him, and I knew he had because he had been acting like he acts when he drinks (which is why I asked if he had).

He broke the agreement for the third time because he did not consult me, he tried to hide it until I asked, and he came home after having drank. Granted, this time he didn’t yell at me or slam anything. He just went to bed, but the point stands.

He violated our agreement. Again.

Add to the fact, that when he told me on May 8, he also asked me if he could have a drink that day and I said “No”. This is his pattern. He drinks one day then he wants it the next and then the next, and then it leads to an abuse incident. He refuses to accept that he has a pattern of behavior. The fact that he asked me on May 8 if he could have a drink shows that he could’ve easily communicated on his birthday to keep the peace and stick to the agreement.

So, this time, I threatened the restraining order and kicked him out of the apartment for violating that agreement for the last time. Serendipitously my landlord came to me and told me that he has a unit open and if I get a roommate, I could afford it.

Obviously, I’m going for it. I’m moving out which is great. June 1st.

My ex is screaming about how it was his birthday and NONE of his friends think he should have had to ask me to have that drink.

I maintain that an agreement was in place due to the fact that he had several instances of alcoholic abuse towards me. Instances he CLAIMS to be “so sorry” and horrified for.

An agreement he willingly agreed to all three times. And an agreement he broke all three times. An agreement I generously made to keep him off the streets.

He also has a pattern of telling half truths to the people around him. He tried this with my best friend who tries to play mediator. She told him that it should be OK to have a drink on his birthday but that if he had made an agreement, he should stick to that. When we talked, he opted to omit the part where she said he should stick to his agreement and tried to paint it as though she had just said it was okay for him to drink (“Lauren agreed with me!”). When I told her she went “I did initially but also said if he made an agreement he should stick to that. Of course he didn’t include that part).

I know he’s not telling people around him the whole truth about how bad the abuse was on his end in his alcoholic rages that caused this agreement to come into play in the first place.

Now, he’s playing the victim card and is telling me I never see his perspective on it and that it was his birthday, and I should’ve just loosened up about it and not been so punitive. He’s also claiming it was just **one** drink, and that he had the drink earlier in the day before he came home (it had been hours he said) but given his history of excessive lying and hiding and stretching truths, there’s no way to believe that what he’s saying is true.

All I know is that when he was home at night I could definitely tell he’d been drinking so it was definitely not enough time between the drink and coming home. He argues that he didn’t abuse me and no harm came to me. And he should be able to have a drink when he wants one if he can demonstrate being responsible, particularly on his birthday. I said that by not honoring the agreement and trying to lie and hide it - he was not being responsible with it.

My boundary and agreement with him and him breaking it by not communicating until the next day, trying to initially lie and hide it, and then coming home is why I kicked him out. And I am holding my foot down.

I don’t feel that I need to flex on this or lend him understanding solely because it was his birthday. As my best friend has said - he easily could’ve asked me on his birthday and avoided all of this or had the drink and just stayed elsewhere. Either way it would’ve been easier for him than all of this that is now happening but he won’t admit that.

Opinions? I could really use them.

Thank you if you read all this…

They just went to rehab, and I know that after they get out they will try to contact me, things could even go back to how they were before, I know it would be good for me to have the time and space away from them, but I’m scared, scared what it’ll do to them, scared what other ppl will think, scared of how it could negatively affect me inadvertently

I can just imagine there family thinking “they were finally getting help, why did you need to do this now?” Or them throwing away their whole recovery or possibly trying to hurt themself after they find out what I’m trying to do, and that would ruin there chances at that rehab facility and maybe the rest of their life too, or them blaming me somehow for feeling the need to do this and thinking that I’m “punishing” them somehow and then they punish me because of that

I’m just scared ig, and don’t know what to do, is it even necessary? Maybe after they get out of rehab they will have changed enough to respect me and my space, maybe I should give them the chance to respect my boundaries before I do something as extreme as get the authorities involved

i had the realization about two or three years ago that my mom is both verbally and emotionally abusive, and not just to me. i have a stepfather and several stepsiblings and our family dynamic has always been tense and outright miserable for a long time, i can remember really awful fights from when i was younger

anyways, i'm 23 now, am on vacation as a part of my college graduation gift, and have been sharing a hotel room with one of my stepsisters. we had a much needed heart-to-heart about growing up and the things that happened, and she brought up several instances she remembers where my mom had put her hands on me. several involved hitting me with whatever objects were nearby, but one that particularly alarmed me was a time my mom had tried to strangle me. my sister said that she remembers my mom yelling at me in the bathroom, me screaming, and my stepdad trying to pry my mom off of me and screaming to let me go. i have absolutely zero recollection of this, but she also said my other stepsister remembers it as well and that they talk about it from time to time

i guess im hoping for any type of advice on moving forward. i dont remember anything, and i dont want to, but is this even something i can bring up to a professional? i don't even know how to interact with my mom, and our relationship was already very strained from the verbal and emotional abuse i mentioned before. i just feel like a bomb has been dropped on my life

This is about to be a long one! I am the person who posted the "am I wrong for not wanting to make eggs post" in the Charlotte Dobre subreddit. For context, I am 12 almost 13 years married next month. Our marriage started off in a weird way. I met him via the dating website I was using to get customers. I was homeless "selling my body" because I lost my job and my parents have never been supportive of me. I grew up in a single parent household ( my mom is bipolar)I was pregnant with "our child" ( I put ours because this child isn't my husband's bio kid) I also have another child with husband. (2 kids he and I raise together). Then I had a child before I got married, I have 3 children all together. My husband treats his child great but my kids are basically a burden. If he does anything for them he will later throw it in my face during times where he is mad at me. He used to throw in my face that my child isn't his kid but then tell my kid "I'm your dad". So to stop, I told my kid the truth. I'm not innocent at all I did do things in the beginning of our marriage out of my own trust issues. I used to yell back at him and hit him if he hit me. He used to go to work with scratch marks on his arm and neck from arguing. I have had bruises and things too. I have stopped hitting and he has not. This feels like torture and I feel like I deserve it because of what I did in the beginning. When he found out that I was pregnant and what I was doing. he offered to stay with him and his mom. when I got into the house I said "now I get to see how it is to use someone" I know how that sounds but I meant it in the most genuine way. I am not good with words because I've been told to "shut up and do what I say" all my life including in this relationship. I'm almost 40 and I still mess up on my words. I've been to therapy and I have somewhat of a relationship with my mom. it's been years since I've done any "wrong" to him. His mom passed away 4 years ago and when she passed away I went into the room to check on him and he got nasty with me, so I said "I'm not the one who took your mom". he was cussing and calling me all kinds of names before I said that. I also have heard him bad mouth his mom multiple times. he has argued with her when she was alive and his other family members. The reason I feel like I don't want to be married anymore is because he has been yelling at me and constantly being abusive towards me. He forces me to give him gluck gluck daily. If I say no or act like I don't want to do it, I still end up doing it. I have woken up to use the restroom in the morning (like 3 or 5 am) come back to lay down and he's got his pants off. When he is mad whatever he buys me "is getting donated". He throws everything into a garbage bag and tells me he's going to give it to Goodwill. Then when he is done being mad I have to put it away again. I am tired of hearing about what a wife is supposed to do in a marriage (submit to her husband) but what about the husband. "Provide and protect" is not all that a man is supposed to do. He tells me that I don't do anything for my kids, but I work just like he does. Probably more than he does honestly. When my children were younger (before school age) I stayed home. I tried to work but he wouldn't ever come home so I could go to work (he was supposed to work in the daytime and I work in the evening) and I couldn't leave the kids at home with his sick mother. So I quit my job. It's been years of hell and I don't want my children thinking this is okay. He says that I cheated on him because when I left him the first time I "sent naked pics" to a dude that lives in another State. But he actually slept with 2 other women since we've been married. The first time was the same time that I sent the naked pics. The second time I was still with him and living in this house we called home. I know I was wrong for sending the pics. But he is also wrong. When he is yelling at me I try not to get angry and yell back but it is hard when he continues to yell at me. Then he will say I'm acting crazy because I tried to tell him about how he treats me. He also uses his grandma to manipulate me and think that I'm wrong. He will take me to her house and say she needs to talk to me about my behavior. I told her that it's not me but she just takes his side every time. I am not sure if I'm crazy or not. Am I supposed to stay or leave this crazy rollercoaster of a marriage?

My brain always gives me some reason to go see them, somehow forgetting all the pain and suffering and betrayal and abuse they’ve put me through, and then when we talk they know exactly why to say to make me melt, they know exactly which heart strings need to be plucked to get me to give them another chance, why do I keep putting myself in the position to be manipulated again?

I don’t understand why I keep doing this to myself, it’s like I crave their lies, their beautiful lies, the lies I desperately wish were true, I want them to be true so badly that I give them chance after chance after chance, but I know deep down that these chances are just going to enable them and ruin me even more, how do I stop this cycle?

I can’t even enjoy sex and yet I keep doing it with them, I mean it feels good physically but I can’t enjoy it mentally it makes me disassociate if I try too hard to enjoy it, I keep going back to the same old patterns, not even sure why when it’s not even fulfilling, how do o stop this, it’s like im addicted to them, and especially to having sex with them, it feels like their sex addiction has rubbed off on me but only towards them! It’s so confusing, and it’s so unfair, I don’t know how to control myself anymore, I beg them to leave me alone because I know that I can’t leave them alone

I have not talked to my dad in 7 years. He is a pedophile, a porn addict, saw me as a sexual object and physically and verbally abused me. It was not hard to cut him off and move on without him.

However- My mom and i have had a very unstable relationship. I have cut her off before but recently cut her off again after seeing no improvements in our relationship and feeling tortured by trying to change her so we could have one. I wanted a relationship so badly with her because i wanted at least one parent to turn to, but she has failed me over and over again. She says she loves me and will always be there for me but i am struggling to understand where the love part ever occurred. I am making a list of things i am still mad at her for and the more i process it as an adult the more disturbed I am and have started to view her differently. I thought i should post these here because i need support. I am really struggling.

1. ⁠Put off leaving my abusive father even when ALL her children begged her to because “the bible says divorce is a sin”

2. ⁠Forced me to attend bible camps and church after i told her i did not believe in god and no longer wanted to attend

3. ⁠Made me eat dirt and soap as punishment

4. ⁠Locked me in my room as a child for hours when i cried (not the worst but i needed her)

5. ⁠Any new friends i made she had to talk to the parents before we hungout to make sure we were not “doing any witchcraft” or showing me things like harry potter and percy jackson, ect.

6. Made me pull down my pants and whipped me with a belt for punishment, counting out 30 lashes at the minimum from ages 6-16.

7. Made my siblings and i attend the same church of the pedophile that assaulted my 3 year old sister attended even after he was outed. She said it was ok because “we know who the pedophile is”

8. Took me out of grade school for 3 years because public schools are “brainwashing” me. But she worked 3 jobs and was rarely home to teach me. I fell so behind that she put me back in public school, which was a humiliating experience.

9. I didnt tell her for 3 months when i got my period at age 11 because she said she would have to talk to me about sex, and i was scared that my dad would start to view me different if he knew i was developing. He did.

10. Supports this administration. Whole heartedly.

11. Extremely homophobic and equates queerness with pedophilia. “I dont understand what i did wrong to get 3 gay children”

I am going to stop typing because i am exhausted. I am in so much pain. I want to rebuild a relationship and have tried but when i try to explain how the things she did hurt me she says “i dont remember that” or “im so sorry but i cant change it now”. Her religious and political views have not budged. Is it overreacting to cut her off or is it salvageable….? I just still feel really hurt by her

They are going to go to rehab for a month, this’ll be the longest I’ve gone without seeing them, I’m just wondering what I should expect, what did you experience when separated from your abuser after being in a trauma bond with them?(I’m not talking about ppl who were abused and happy to get out, I’m talking specifically about ppl stuck in a trauma bond) I’m feeling a lot of mixed feelings already, I know I’ll miss them, and I’m terrified of what’s gonna happen after they go, what should I expect for myself? And how do I prepare for the separation?

My husband ever since we started dating every now and then threaten me to leave me, on random days, when we started dating I was younger and naive so I would beg him to stay. Then everything would be fine. And then, he continue doing this, like every 5 months, but after we move together the threat is not breaking up but him moving somewhere else. Unfortunately I fell into the trap again. Multiple times he is very rude and verbally aggressive, including telling me to shut the fuck up. He never beat me though. Another times he dismiss all my emotions and feelings, if I am feeling sick or don't want to go out with him or spend time with him, he will try to force me by acting like a victim. The worse is that he is most of the time very loving and caring. I think he is mentally unwell and uses the love he gives me to keep me in this relationship.

I am 26, F.
I was abused sexually, emotionally, verbally etc.
I became aggressive and rebellious against people and my family who allowed these things to happen. My brothers were physically abusive and my mother would sell me to her friends and boyfriends from the age of 3-4 years old. I was kicked out of home at 15 years old.
My parents threw me in mental hospitals from the age of 10-17 years old. (yes, even after kicking me out)
I would work 3 jobs to make sure I have enough money to pay rent. sometimes I'd be sleep outside of a church. (It was a small town.)
I was still very angry and would often fight and cause trouble.
But at 18 years old I changed my life a lot. By that I just mean I decided to stop being so angry and to become a nicer and more caring person.
At 20, I left the country and moved to South Korea for 3 years. I was able to find myself, and I even speak 4 languages now and have met many great people.
I've done significantly better for myself.
The problem is now, I have no discipline.
At work, i'm fine. But in my personal life I find it really hard to do normal things.
Like clean up after myself after eating. Or cleaning the kitchen after cooking.
It takes me at least 2-3 days to do it.
It's not laziness because I want to do it. But i find it hard to do it, mentally i mean.
And i've always been an overweight person. I want to lose weight. but I find it hard to take the action of actually working out and eating less.
even when I'm not hungry, I think "I need to eat." even when I feel sick after eating.
I want to work out. The motivation is there. But the energy for the action is not there.
It's hard to find a part time job these days, I'm either too qualified or underqualified. so I just stay at home and teach english online. It is a job, it brings me income. But the problem is with just being at home.
I want to find a way to discipline myself. Like with a routine. but I've always found it hard to do these kinds of things alone.
I was looking for some advice on how others who may have had similar feelings have been able to deal with this kind of thing?
And, this might be a weird question, but is there a program with any type of trainers or counselors who assist with in home daily discipline like this?

Thank you in advance and sorry for the lengthiness.

What would you do in the situation?

My almost 6yo, casually mentioned to me that her dad is fucking someone on the same bed as them.

For context, Dad and I are over. Our relationship ended up in restraining order to Dad. He had not been consistent with anything, had been wanting to get our relationship back after 1.5y of being selarated now I think he finally realized that its not gonna happen anymore. Started taking the kids less, takes months to see them again, never even asks for it. He dropped a bomb on them about losing his bonusmom, then disappeared. Leaving me with a 5yo grieving and crying for a bonus grandmother that they barely spoke to, and have only spent time with for a month when they were 2.5yo. I have been considering some form of therapy because my 5yo started talking about death, and dying and over all just passing but it had gotten dark. Their critical thinking skills went darker.

Our conversations has now sounding like this. What happens if you don’t eat your food? > you will die What happens if you don’t take showers/baths? > you will get sick and die

Anyway, two months, he took them this weekend from Friday afterschool to Monday afterschool. Girls came home dysregulated as expected and all. Today, wednesday night as I was putting diapers on their younger sibling, my 5yo casually mentioned “ Dada and ??? take off their panty when 3yo and me are sleeping. First Dada take off Tati’s pants and her panty, then dada take off her pants anf then his panty. And dada and Tati are naked” i asked them where they were, they said beside them. They’re all in one bed.

What the fuck do I fucking do?