Hey guys. I’m 24 (F) and had an appointment w my psychiatrist today. She said that I have Schizoaffective bipolar type and will continue long term care for it. Ngl, I feel a mix of emotions about it. Like, damn I feel relieved but I catch myself just crying about it. It’s weird. Anyways, here’s some of my art. The left one was when I was 18 and undiagnosed and the right one is from today. Haven’t drawn in years so don’t judge too hard lol.

My wife is writing name change papers for her to take my last name as I write this. She loves me and has shown me nothing but care, but I don't feel welcome here.

I used to live alone. I didn't feel welcome there. I didn't feel welcome staying with roommates. I don't feel welcome anywhere.

It isn't that people are unkind. People tend to be nice to me. I'm considerate, relatively charasmatic, and I make an effort to be caring in my actions. People tend to respond in kind.

In reality, I know I'm loved.

But the feeling persists. I don't feel like I belong wherever I am. I can be at a library, a cafe, a walk, or in bed.

The only exception is the exact moment someone indirectly tells me I belong. As soon as the moment passes, I return to baseline. I feel out of place.

I feel confused. If I feel lumpy and misaligned wherever I go, I don't really know where to go. I know I want to be with my wife, but that's about all I know.

I don't feel like this post belongs here, but I guess that's to be expected. I don't know if this is caused by my schizoaffective or another condition. Everything kinda blurs together. Hard to trace patterns. Feedback loop. I don't know.

I'll press post before my mind's eye takes this dialogue into another conscious pattern thoughtstream milk. Thank you all. Much love. 🫀

Hey family,

Just wanted to share I had a job interveiw and it went really, really well.

For so long, I felt I would never be able to work, let alone LOOK for a job, but today I interveiwed for a position working as a Counselor for at risk children and teens and I think I nailed it.

I've worked primarily with children my whole adult life, teaching english, poetry, acting, singing, and dancing and the fact that I may even have a CHANCE to give back to the kids through service work and child care is giving me a newfound peace I didn't think possible.

I am stable, have found the right mix of medications, and I am ready to get back to what others call "the real world" haha I haven't felt this clear in years.

This is for all who are in the struggle, the dark place, the place that seems inescapable.

There is light.

YOU are a miracle and if you don't or can't believe, believe that I believe. We got this family.

Love you all and wishing you so much strength and hope and courage as we swim this sea of periodic madness and instability. Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens.

The Fallen Angel

I had unmedicated psychosis for like 5 years with lots of paranoia. One aspect to it is that anytime someone says anything at all, positive, neutral, or negative, I believed they hated me or thought i was a criminal or were part of a government conspiracy targeting me. Now I'm medicated and I don't really believe in the conspiracy anymore or that they think I'm a criminal, but I still think everyone hates me and wants me dead. I don't know how much is paranoia and how much is the lifelong depression.

I just want to be able to receive a compliment from someone and assume it's genuine instead of assuming they're making fun of me or think I'm terrible.

How do you trust people after years of paranoia?

And she was diagnosed wuth schizoaffective disorder. So I took a deep dive. Holy shit. This is me. Now I guess I try to get a diagnosis. Not sure that will do anything but I feel seen.

Forgot about it

I guess I just need some sort of sense that I’m not alone in this
People tend to disbelieve me
I do it to myself but that’s different
Still stuck I think
Just saying shit honestly

i suffer from a lot of anhedonia and i barely do my hobbies anymore. even when i do i find little to no enjoyment in it. i still try to draw (more specifically i try to draw my feelings) and started to pick up poetry again. Any recommendations? i used to be and still kind of am a creative person but im not that big of a writer or reader since those are pretty hard for me nowadays. what are some things i can do to help cope with everything im struggling with? distractions, breathing techniques, grounding things to help with delusions/derealization, anything?? thank you in advance!!!! anything is appreciated

Interested in hearing other people's story.

Good morning beautiful family 🙏🏼🌞

Another day with minimal symptoms and gratitude for finding stability after years of turmoil and despair. I have a wise older friend who sends me messages of hope from many, many years of experience with struggle. I wanted to share this in hopes that even one person finds hope through it.

"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running away from it.

Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love, belonging and joy - the experiences that make us the most vulnerable.

Only when we are brave enough to experience the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.

Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame.

You are not defined by your past, you are prepared by your past 💪"

In case no ones told you yet today, you are a miracle and are enough.

Love you guys,

The Fallen Angel

for context i have been diagnosed with schizoaffective bipolar type 2 in the past. i hope it has some relevance here.

what is it with rage attacks and having adhd?

i have a few examples that may or may not be related to adhd

one time i couldnt find something in my room that i was trying to use. it was nail clippers. when i couldnt find them i told myself in my mind that someone like my dad went in my room and took them in order to try to sabotage me. i was coming up with scenarios in my head of him smirking about how i couldnt find it, and imagining him enjoying my distress at not being able to find it.

only 10 seconds later i found it and my tortured nervous system quickly cooled off. why does my nervous system jump from 0-100 in a flash second imagining someone was sabotaging me only to find out it was me who misplaced the object? this happens frequently and my paranoia / suspicioins about being plotted against melt completely on my now-cooled off nervous system. i immediately feel level headed after finding the lost object. could this be trauma or a symptom of possible bpd?

I was typing out the entire story of what happened but it got deleted. I’ll take that as a sign.

He is alive and I think the worst is over. i’m so thankful he’s alive but my heart breaks hearing him speak. My father is an intelligent man. A top engineer in my country and funny. He’s good at making people laugh. Good at mediating. Good at speaking. Now his speech is impaired and the doctor says it should come back eventually as it was a milder stroke.

My father is all of those things but he is also rugged, tough and durable. He’s strong. And I love him so much. I love him so much.

When my eldest brother called my best friend to tell me I need to come home asap because my dad is going to the hospital(my phone had died) I immediately went into this hardened and focused state. But it felt like a dam ready to give way at the same time. When I finally arrived home last night my step mother was packing things and getting my baby brothers ready to go by their grandmother.

I broke down for five minutes and had to lock in to take care of my crying baby brothers while she got ready and packed other things for the hospital. My dad went in at midnight. Only saw the doctor the next day at noon. I hate this country. I hate the healthcare system. I hate wealth inequality. I hate capitalism. I hate it all. I don’t know exactly what will happen now. But he’s on lots of medication.

Good news

His cognition and understanding is pretty much fine. He’s home now and has medication.

I’m afraid to speak to him more and see him and i’m ashamed of myself for it but I also understand and have compassion for myself. I hugged him already and he’s resting now. But my god. I feel so so so scared. That it will happen again. That his condition will worsen.

I want to end on an uplifting note and say: He will live and not die. He will live and not die. I will see my daddy get older and older until he goes peacefully of natural causes surrounded by us; the ones who love him.

Has anyone ever experienced something similar ? Is anyone here a stroke survivor even? Please, please, please. My heart is hurting. Any connection or advice or support would be of great help.

I’m trying to be strong and remain steadfast. I’m trying. Thanks for reading.

Edit:

Update

We had to rush him to the hospital. He can barely talk at all and his left side is droopy. Cognition and understanding is still there but it’s very hard for him to speak. Just few words or one at a time. This can’t be real. I was the only one who could remember his password after he couldn’t put it in his phone anymore. I couldn’t remember the first two times and then I finally got it. He taught only me it. I kissed him on his arms and hands and forehead and cheek.
Told him I love him and that he’s got this.

Hell is real. and we don’t have to die to go there.

This was from my birthday last week teehee

Hi I'm 43 years old, in UK.

Been in and out of hospital since age 20.

I was very anti medicine and psychiatry for years but now I've come round to their necessity.

Determined to recover, with meds COMPLIANCE and get a job, maybe married etc.

Am I delusional to think like this?

Should I just roll over and accept defeat by now?

Tia

This week could have been better. I think my meds are starting to stop working. I heard voices and just been feeling off. Also suddenly side effects have been worse. I will have to sort it out with my psychiatrist.

I just haven't found the right ones yet? Everyone I thought were my friends have all abandoned me. I have zero friends left. No one will even answer a simple text from me. I think it's because my illness is so severe, it's too real for people who are ultimately shallow and unable to understand what true mental illness looks like. It just makes me feel so worthless and unlovable, like I have no value. Do any of you struggle with this? Have you lost friends because of your illness? How are you dealing with it?

Hey everyone. I came out of a severe 4-month psychotic episode about two and a half months ago (this was my 4th episode since 2018). Since then, I’ve been struggling a lot with my speech, memory, and processing information.

I'll be able to picture something in my head, but cannot think of the word for it or have trouble responding to others quickly or even at all because I cannot think quick enough, or my mind goes blank, or I cannot think of the word that I want to use-- This fluctuates, some days or certain times of day are much worse than others.

What is really scaring me right now is my long-term memory. It feels like huge chunks of my life history are just gone. For example, I passed a store the other day and completely forgot that my dad worked there for years until right then. I don't remember almost anything from my college years. I don’t just mean the classwork—I mean I have no memory of what my daily life looked like, who I hung out with, or what I did during those years. I completely forget things I did just a few months or a year ago, like what gift I bought my mom for her birthday. I can rewatch every TV show that I have watched because I completely forget the plots, characters, etc. My family keeps bringing up past events that I just have no recollection of. If I listen to a podcast, I forget what it was about the next day. It feels like my personal history has just been washed away by these episodes.

I also have been having a really difficult time listening to people and retaining what they are saying. If there is background noise, if they talk too fast, or if they say too much at once, I just completely stop processing the words.

For example, I saw a mechanic the other day, and there were people talking out loud beside me in the background. No matter how hard I tried to focus and pay attention to what he was saying, my brain just could not process his words or retain any of the information.

Does anyone else experience difficulty finding words, memory issues, and problems with retaining information like this? If so, does it get better over time, or what helped you cope and recover?

I am diagnosed with AVPD and schizoaffective depressive subtype and the combination of these makes me feel like I'm living on hell on Earth. Not only do I have to deal with intense paranoia about people but when they actually do end up confirming my suspicions by being assholes, I tend to retreat into my own world for weeks or months at a time. I cant even handle things most people would consider normal like banter or teasing, it makes me want to crawl inside a hole and never come out.

I feel so isolated and lonely all the time but most of it is my fault. I have a lot of traumatic experiences it comes to people and instead of actively working on it, I just avoid them altogether. The time and effort spent trying to create and maintain friends isn't worth it, especially when I don't vibe with the majority of people. I'm afraid of what they think of me and how they want to hurt me. It feel like my life is a nonstop campaign for harassment and I cant trust anyone anymore because of it.

Besides I am extremely unsocialized and flat when it comes to interacting with others. People are very put off by me and they dont understand that this is how I am naturally and I cant fake emotion just to placate their discomfort. I don't mean any harm by coming off as expressionless but everyone seems to take personal offense to it. I've tried to fake it in the past but it just makes me cringe internally and I hate being disingenuous. It doesnt mean that I'm disinterested, dont like them, or whatever other negative attributes they attach to me but nonetheless theres not much I can do about it. I cant change the way people think of me and I cant change the way I am. I wish I could exist in a world where I can be myself without social pressures to be someone I'm not but thats never how its ever going to be

I really hate myself and this makes my situation worse. It prevents me from reaching out because I genuinely feel unworthy of anyones time or care. I'm a cosmic fuck up, a bad omen that ensures that everyone that ever interacts with me can see the insecurity all over my face and treat me like shit as a result. This is only solidified by the fact that people love to say "if you dont love yourself then nobody will". They can see me struggling with the fact that I am fundamentally broken and as result drag me to the depths of the abyss. Im so ashamed of who I am and how my mental illnesses affect me. I struggle to speak due to my social phobia and cognitive/negative symptoms from SZA. Plus I feel like nobody cares what I have to say or what I do

I wish I knew how to overcome this. I have several ideas but they almost never come into fruition. Exposure therapy has helped very little and has caused me to grow thicker skin but at the same time, its like the harder I try to come out of this state, the more I want to retreat into my own world and ignore humanity altogether. Thanks for reading. No advice wanted

Feeling (and looking) a little tired today. In general I'm doing pretty well. Next weekend I'm driving 500 miles (each way) to spend the weekend with my son, so you might get a selfie from a truck stop or a motel room lol.

⭐️🌙✨ It's the 5th day of Eid al-Adha! ✨⭐️🌙

🐏 (A holiday when we celebrate the story of Abraham and his son.) 🐏

🍓✌🏻 I hope you all had a great week! ✌🏻🍓

🎀✨ Sending good vibes ✨🎀