Phil 2: Electric Boogaloo

[u/SilentDis]

As I mentioned in the last chronicle of Phil, he now has my extension and I get all this guy's calls... Supposedly.

Management talked to me extensively before doing this; they really were good folks there, and wanted to be sure I was 'ready' to have to deal with this guy on a regular basis, and be able to fully document everything well. I assured them that first, I didn't care if I supported 1 user or thousands so long as you kept paying me, and second that he wouldn't bother me much.

The day they gave him my extension saw me get a few 'Phil' calls, "just to make sure it works" type of thing. Yep, we do know what we're doing; the company had it's fingers into multiple telecom products ranging from phones to cellphones to internet at the time, and all were managed and setup very, very well.

When I got to work the next day, though, was rather humerous. I logged into the phone system, and the little red light for voicemail started blinking. Normally, it blinks once for each message left, then goes solid for 10 seconds, etc. It just kept blinking. I smirked, and dove in.

35 messages; 32 of which were from Phil. I start going through them, and each and every one is him just ranting about various unrelated, silly things; web design questions, problems with his keyboard, phone problems, problems with his desk chair, everything and anything.

I carefully, and meticulously made a brand new ticket on his support account for each and every one of these calls. Then, I'd make an addendum to any repeats. In total, 10 'issues', none of which we support were there. Apparently, "Phil, if you have problems with your Internet service, call this number" had mutated to "Phil, if you have problems with your bunions, call this number" inside his little mind. I've been off-phones for the first hour of work now because of this; I laughed, they're paying me to babysit, why would it bother me?

So, I go through the usual 'check our side' work that I noted in the last call. Everything's still golden (of course). I make an outbound ticket, fill in refs to all the other tickets I'd made and closed, copy and paste all the terminal output of the tests I'd done, and make the call.

Me: Greetings, this is SilentDis from XYZ, is Phil available?
Phil: It took you long enough to call, I have all these problems are any of them fixed yet?
Me: Hello Phil. Do you have time to discuss the voicemails you left this morning?
Phil: It better be quick, I have work to do!
Me: Oh, it will be quick, I assure you.

I proceed to list each and every issue he called us about off to him, and asked if each is correct. Verbal contract established across 32 calls and 10 issues.

Me: Now, as we have discussed before, we are here to help you with your Internet service. We help get you online, we help make sure you can browse webpages, we help make sure you can get your e-mail from our servers, and we make sure your hosting is working.
Phil: Yes...
Me: I've already verified that everything concerning that works on our side, and will e-mail those results to you, as well as the details from this call. Are you able to browse webpages? Are you able to get e-mail?
Phil: Yes, but this is...
Me: No, Phil, this is not a 'general life support' line. Nothing has changed regarding that; we still only help with the same things, just now I'm the only one you'll be dealing with concerning them. Do you understand?
Phil: (sounding a bit deflated) Yes.
Me: Good. As soon as I close this ticket, I'll e-mail you this ticket log as a reminder of what we can help you with, and it can act as a 'receipt', if you want, for all the calls you made. Again, Internet connectivity, your website, and e-mail are what we help with. Do you have any questions regarding those things now?
Phil: (yeah, that's defeat in his voice) No.
Me: Good, thank you for using XYZ.

I finished up the (mostly done) ticket. It formats fairly well right out of the box, I found, from the ticketing system; a few minor changes here and there, but nothing major. It lists each ticket number that was 'referenced', the title, and the close reason (Unsupported for each, of course), the start and end times. Then it lists all my notes. This gets sent to Phil, as well as BCC'd to my supervisor.

Phil didn't call me again that day... But it gets better.

TL;DR: It's The Phil Show! All Phil, All The Time!

EDIT: Linked in the final chapter.

[u/fuzzypickles0_0]

Better? Continue please good sir.