r/talesfromtechsupport • u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker • Jul 07 '12
Phil 33 1/3: The Final Insult
Things continued swimmingly with Phil for the next few months. I could handle him, and I was his only contact at our company.
Most of his calls were still entirely outside our support boundries; he had a horrible time with printers, scanners, fax machines, and at one point his fridge that he was sure was Internet related. Every time, I came down with the same firm response of 'Nope, we don't help with that. Our stuff works, here's the number to talk to.'
I remember a few issues that I actually did help him with, but they were exceptionally few and far between.
Once, he'd manually renewed his domain through a 3rd party (saving himself $10 or so on our renewal fee), and he'd then given them incorrect pointer info, hosing his domain horribly in the process. I did the expeditious thing and just took responsibility on that one; got the phone number for his support company, and 3-wayed him and myself in with them. Phil verified security, and then handed off to me. I efficiently listed off the A and MX records we needed, the other tech made the change, and we were done in less than 5 minutes... I then took 15 minutes to explain to Phil how he's now waiting 48 hours for it to propagate down. This set him off a bit, but I countered with the fact that he wanted to save the $10 and take all of it away from us, and that was fine, but that's what he'd have to deal with. It shut him up, quick.
Another time, he installed AOL and hosed himself. It was an older version that would bind itself up in weird and interesting ways to the various network adapters, causing no end to headaches for connecting with anything other than AOL. I again explained to him that I could make XYZ work, but he was on his own with AOL, and if it happened again, we'd just keep breaking AOL to make XYZ work; if he wanted better, talk to AOL or ditch them.
This got frustrating to Phil. He couldn't have his rousing hour-long bitch-fests in which he'd make people cry; or make people question the life choices that lead them inexorably to dealing with their lord and master, Phil. Basically, I wasn't 'fun' to call, because I had the answers, and the process down to an art.
So, once the shiny of 'having my own tech to abuse' wore off, he started calling the general helpline again. Usually, after being told to take his printer problem elsewhere from me. There was a big flag on the account indicating that he didn't get support from anyone but me, and sometimes he just found himself cold-transferred to either my voice mail or to my line if I was in. That was perfectly fine by me, not to Phil of course, who'd just hang up when he herd my voice and re-call the main line. I knew it was him, though, as our Caller ID system was sweet in that it kept original data through cold transfers. I'd just make a note that he'd called and hung up.
After a time, though, he would badger someone else on the helpline long enough to get them sucked into a call with him. I'd gotten few, if any actual calls from him lately. At first I chalked it up to 'Oh, I finally clue-sticked him into understanding', but upon checking his account, I saw other tech's logs popping up, at weird hours when I was out of the office.
Thing is, they knew they were supposed to dump him on me. They knew they were supposed to not help him in any way. But, there it was, plain as day. sigh
I mentioned this to my supervisor, and he did his best to put a stop to it. E-mails, coaching cube-side with the other agents, etc. It was brought up at our monthly meeting, in fact (all techs for 2 hours in 1 room to go over general things like this, while Tier2 took calls directly); and stated in no uncertain terms that Phil doesn't get help from us, you dump him on this extension. Period.
It helped little. Many of you who've worked in tech know there's always a few low-hanging fruits in the group that just drag everyone else down. When you have 75+ agents, it's bound to happen. As good as management was about weeding these people out, they still managed to hang on, thanks to a corporate environment.
Of course, Phil pushes and pushes, and I have to give him credit where credit's due; he'd manage to suck a good number of people into his little game of 'make the tech rip their hair out'. Eventually, he'd not call me anymore, because he found it much more fun to scream at the brick wall, or attempt the fun whack-a-mole game of finding the one bad (or poorly informed) tech to torment.
He got one, eventually. She was a new-ish hire, so I can't blame her entirely. On the floor for 2 weeks, and now reduced to a puddle of tears in the middle of the isle. She quit that day. I knew what happened even before I'd been told directly, and I was furious. I felt like I had personally let her down (regardless of the fact that she didn't heed the rather interesting special note and popup that his account generated... the only account that, when you pulled it up, would also pop a full-screen bright red box with 40pt white type that told you to direct the customer to me and not help them).
The next day, my supervisor called me into an unused meeting room 1 floor up. I was greeted by the director of the help desk, the lead Tier2 agent, the telecom hardware director, and the system administrator (who managed the webhosting servers/email servers/etc). I'd met all these people, and they were really decent folk; but I'll be honest, I figured they'd decided to blame me for the whole Phil situation that happened the day before to that poor girl, and I was getting the axe.
Another person in expensive suit and tie walked in, and I was introduced to the CIO of XYZ, Incorporated. Fuck.
They started out asking how I felt about the whole situation. They all knew I wasn't one to pull punches, that I was very blunt, and when cornered, rather crass.
I believe the first thing I said to this meeting of the big-wigs was "From what I can tell of the people gathered here today, I'm the lucky fuck who gets to have this shit storm hung around his neck, and you intend to each take an arm to make sure I land squarely under the bus?" I ooze class when I'm cornered, I admit it.
Deafening silence ensues. It lasts a good few minutes. I take stock of the faces in the room from my little tirade; the systems guys are eyes wide, but bemused. The CIO is slack-jawed (I don't think he's herd such an honest/crass combo before, cool). My floor supervisor is hiding his mouth in his hands, attempting not to show his laugh. Meh. Let the fireworks begin, I'm going down with a bang, not a whimper in this one, I've decided.
The system administrator pipes up "Umm... Actually... No. But, I can see how it'll look that way."
"Well, that's all fine and dandy, could you clue me in before I go ahead and shoot my other foot, then?"
This got a laugh out of my floor supervisor, and the tensions eased considerably. The CIO cracked a smile, as well.
"Since you appear to appreciate bluntness, I'll return it in kind," the CIO said. "You're not fired. We are, on the other hand, attempting to decide what to do about Phil."
"Since I'm not fired, and all these people are here, and you all know what Phil has done, I'd say it's pretty obvious 'what to do about Phil'. He doesn't have more than a few thousand dollars a year in profit for this company, yet he's monopolized my time, and made a rather sweet new girl quit. He is a horrible person, and should be kicked to the curb." Why sugar coat the obvious.
"That was our thought, too," began the telecom director. "But, we figured we'd try one other option. Would you consider going 'on call' for Phil? As in, we'd route his calls to a cell phone that you'd have 24/7."
"That depends, how big of a raise are you offering me to go with that?"
Everyone has their price, even me. I'll deal with Phil 24/7, but it's not going to be cheap.
"Well, we wouldn't be able to bump your paygrade..." began my floor supervisor.
I cut him off. "Then that's not happening, is it."
This illicited a chuckle from the CIO. "I like you, right to the point and honest. But, you are going to make the call to Phil to tell him we're giving him the boot."
"After what happened yesterday, I'd be a little pissed if you didn't give that to me, considering."
And so it came to pass. A registered, signature required special delivery went out that very day, containing a legally-drawn up end-of-service notice. I was given the tracking number, and watched it like a hawk. I knew when it was signed for, and I even had a little digital copy of Phil's signature to prove it. I gave him a half hour to read it, then called him up.
Me: This is SilentDis from XYZ support calling. Is Phil available?
Phil: Um... this, this is Phil. (He sounds... hurt. How touching.)
Me: Phil, I am calling on behalf of XYZ to confirm the contents of the letter you signed for half an hour ago. We are terminating any and all services you have with us, due to the abusive nature of your calls. Do you understand?
Phil: You can't do this! I pay my bills on time, why would you do this? Do you know how much money you'll lose every month?
This little tirade continues for a good 5 minutes. It's normal Phil, though. A little pop-up appears in the corner of my screen from my on-floor supervisor. Apparently, 3/4 of the help desk, and much of the upper management is currently listening in. I respond back "fuck you, I don't want a goddamn audience" which earns me a distant guffaw from over the cubicle farm. I mute myself as he's continuing to rant and shout "Don't you people have anything better to do?" A chorus of chuckles and "No!" rings back.
Phil eventually runs out of steam on his rant. He's not switched to legal threats yet, as that was never his way, amazingly enough.
Me: Phil, this is exactly why we're terminating our services with you. You are abusive, you are rude, and you do not listen. You cost us in man-hours more than what we make from the services we provide. To top it off, you made a rather nice person quit her job after 2 weeks. XYZ has decided that you are a liability to provide service to, rather than any sort of benefit. Your service will terminate tomorrow at midnight. At that time, we will make a final copy of your website, and of any e-mail sitting on our servers, burn it to CD, and send it to you via the same carrier we used to deliver the notice you received today. I would still recommend backing it up yourself."
Phil: "I don't know how to do that, I shouldn't have to! This isn't..."
Me: "Phil, it is right, it is fair. We, as a company, simply no longer wish to do business with you. It's fine if you do not know how to backup your site, we're doing it for you anyway, and you'll get the CD in the mail. Please understand, we will no longer help you with anything going forward, calls to this number will go unanswered, and we will not sell new service to you. This call isn't to help you with anything, it's simply to inform you. Good day."
Phil: (he actually managed to respond just before I pushed release. very meekly) "Yeah, bye."
click
The next thing I hear is thunderous applause from across the help desk. The queue was basically forgotten, and had stacked up to the 20s, but it didn't matter. Phil was gone.
We actually had a pot-luck party the next day, in celebration. I brought a pie.
TL;DR: Mmm. Pie.
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u/deezil Finds 5 1/4" floppies for your amusement. Jul 07 '12
Firing a customer is the best thing that you can do to a drain. After I left my last job, a customer got fired, and from what I hear, the morale went up 3 sizes that day.
Thank you for the story, I've really enjoyed it. Glad that Phil is now just a memory.
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u/ThisIsMyCouchAccount Jul 07 '12
My company has a client that has cost us thousands of dollars (~$20k to be more accurate) in man-hours and my boss still refuses to fire them. They are nice people and honestly my boss probably doesn't do it because deep down he knows it's his fault. Instead of mine - where he openly puts the blame.
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Jul 07 '12
Maybe e-mail him this trilogy? See if that changes his mind?
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u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker Jul 08 '12
The only way to 'change their mind', as it were, would be a cost/benefit analasis done right.
Customer gives us $x/year.
Customer costs us $y/year to support.
Customer costs us $z/year to maintain (server space and such).$x < $y + $z, by a factor of 2 or greater (large corps can 'write off' accounts that cost less than twice as 'awesome customer service').
Now, why are we throwing money away?
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Jul 07 '12
This should honestly be a movie.
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Jul 07 '12
[deleted]
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u/kirbsome damaging the storage medium is the securest erase Jul 07 '12
or John Goodman.
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Jul 07 '12
Danny Devito.
the-fat-fuck-little-midget-asshole-I-know-I-sound-like-an-asshole-but-seriously-that-guy-annoys-me-for-some-really-odd-reason-like-I-have-no-problem-with-midgets-but-something-about-him-just-irks-me-off-to-the-point-that-I-want-to-punt-a-kitten-seriously-though-no-reason-for-it-I-just-do-not-like-him-/endrant
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u/pirate_doug Jul 07 '12
Devito plays the weasel well, but I honestly think a near-likeable Chevy Chase circa Caddyshack would work best.
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u/GeneralDisorder Works for Web Host (calls and e-mails) Jul 07 '12
No... Hunter Thompson. He would have made a great Phil. I suppose Johnny Depp would do it. He makes a pretty good Hunter.
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u/haikuginger When you said your data was backed up, I assumed that it was. Jul 07 '12
Wayne Knight.
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u/s-mores I make your code work Jul 07 '12
"Tech support.. um, um, um, finds a way"
How about Jeff Goldblum?
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u/JRoch Jul 07 '12
No, William shatner! He's already a douche but can pull off charming and witty when he needs to.
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u/FishBonePendant Monkey Technician Jul 07 '12
I am all for making this a movie, made by paramount or some shit with and equally classy intro. I could see the posters now, the trailers, the interviews with people who decided to make this on Good Morning America, even the ending sequence where OP steps out of his cubicle holding his hands up while the thunderous applause sounds around him.
This would make a great movie and i would gladly pay $60 for my friends and I to see it in theatres.
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u/phoenixuprising Jul 07 '12
I've loved reading the Phil story because I've had my own Phil. Not quite to the same degree but I've had to, "fire a customer" as I like to call it a couple times. Good work.
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u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker Jul 07 '12
It was quite satisfying, I admit. But at the same time, it was 'just part of the job'.
I remember watching my father deal with that when I was younger. He had a sub sandwich shop when I was in high-school. Some idiot ranted and raved as he just stood there. When the guy asked for the manager, he turned around, and turned back to the guy and said "May I help you?"
I was already laughing, so the guy got even more pissed, and started yelling louder. My father just said "Oh, you wanted the owner, one moment", and turned 360 in place and said "Yes?"
While I dislike many of my father's other attributes, it is one thing I've emulated about him from time to time in my freelance work, now. As the great Mel Brooks once said, "It's good to be the King" :)
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Jul 07 '12
My father just said "Oh, you wanted the owner, one moment", and turned 360 in place and said "Yes?"
Please tell me he put on a fake moustache or glasses during that spin.
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u/Opie59 Jul 07 '12
OH! You're looking for my brother Dock! He's crazy.
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u/dasbif Jul 08 '12
Just re-watched the whole series after the Korra finale aired. Much love my friend!
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u/FatBoxers Oh Good, You're All Here Jul 07 '12
From a former Customer Service Web rep to another, you have my respect. An over abundance of it.
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u/TheMcG Jul 07 '12
you have told that tale on reddit before. Still funny a second time.
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Jul 08 '12
I thought i recognized it, but i couldnt remember the username so i wasnt gonna say anything.
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u/jbearamus Fixer of the blinking boxes Jul 10 '12
Something similar:
My brother is a retail manager and one particular day he wasn't wearing his name tag. A customer started yelling at him about this or that and demanded to see the manager. He simply stated, "His name is Bob he'll be here on Monday."
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u/pjhuxford Jul 07 '12
Great job. This is one of the best endings I have seen to a story here.
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u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker Jul 07 '12
You win some, you lose some. I've had my share of losses over the years, I assure you. :)
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u/ABusFullaJewz Jul 07 '12
You are a fucking legend. Not only had you put up with what might be the worst support customer ever, but you ended it all with class.
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u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker Jul 07 '12
Don't take this the wrong way. The sentiment is appreciated and all, but I just see the 'class' aspect as the 'way it should be'.
I did my cursing behind closed doors with the big wigs, and with hindsight, I'm surprised they didn't fire me over it. I guess they actually did listen to a bunch of my calls (they'd mentioned that during the meetings) and said something to the effect that it's how they want 'us' represented. It's part of why they offered the final call to me; I'd do it right and they knew it.
It's never about being 'better', to me. It's simply being 'proper' when it comes to dealing with others. I give people the attitude, attention, and respect I expect, nothing more. I see what you see, of course, and rarely get it returned to me. Still, the world is what we make of it, and this is what I'm making of it.
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u/GeneralDisorder Works for Web Host (calls and e-mails) Jul 07 '12
Damn, you're humble.
I've dealt with lots of customers every day and they don't get to me. I'm all business once the phone rings. I still try to sound approachable, but I'm not good at "dumbing it down". It sounds like you're equally at home with techs as you are with time-sucks.
The fact that you were selected to deal with a problem caller exclusively definitely speaks volumes about your patience level (and speaks negatively even louder about said caller).
I totally agree that we (as in, anyone who deals with end-users, time-sucks, and professionals alike) should all try to maintain professionalism, be direct and to the point, and when you encounter something that's not in your scope, tell the customer that their time is better spent with some other support venue. Sometimes you simply tell them to fuck off and do some research.
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Jul 07 '12
It's never about being 'better', to me. It's simply being 'proper' when it comes to dealing with others.
I like you.
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u/whateverradar Jul 07 '12
If you think curse words in front of big wigs is a bad thing, its not.
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u/Auricfire Jul 07 '12
Yeah. If a customer is so difficult and horrible that you feel the need to resort to curse words to emphasize how bad they are, that should be enough to tell those higher up how bad he is.
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u/electricheat The computer's TV is broken. Jul 07 '12
Agreed. I've had very good luck with treating the big wigs like 'one of the guys'. You need to feel it out, but often they're so sick of the timid ass kissing and careful word choice that its refreshing to have a real conversation.
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u/cyborg_127 Head, meet desk. Desk, head. Jul 07 '12
Did anyone try to ask that poor girl to return? If she quit in a ball of tears, and nobody got a chance to talk to her about why she was quitting it would certainly be something I would have tried.
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u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker Jul 07 '12
I wasn't a supervisor, but given their track record with me, I would expect that they did, probably from multiple people at multiple levels, too.
I didn't have any contact info for her. I would have called and apologized personally if I had. Probably for the best that I didn't, though.
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u/cyborg_127 Head, meet desk. Desk, head. Jul 07 '12
Maybe she figured she wasn't cut out for help desk support, but it's a bitch of a way to find out.
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u/Tattycakes Just stick it in there Jul 10 '12
I've had a customer make me cry before, this was 2 or 3 months into the job, just rant and rage about it and tomorrow is another day.
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u/orcishincubus Jul 07 '12
I am curious if he tried calling the general help line at a later date? If so, did the tech answering know to not accept his call or his bullshit?
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u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker Jul 07 '12
He did, of course. The first month, his cell and primary phones were actually blacklisted. That's why the telecom guy was in the meeting; they'd actually routed any calls he made to a fast-busy signal. There was no calling us, period, we just 'disappeared'. He could get through to some aspects of our company (billing, I think, routed to a special number or some such), but tech support simply 'vanished'.
After the month, they pulled the block, just in case it would cause problems in the future (forgotten about, number changed/switched owners/etc. and ended up causing further headaches).
I remember a rumor or two of him calling after that; but you can't support without a ticket, and his account wouldn't even 'open' any more in the database. It would red-screen and direct you to a supervisor, then close out back to the 'new ticket' page. He was essentially forcefully forgotten through the marvels of modern technology. Big Brother used for an actual good.
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u/sacca7 Jul 07 '12
You might consider editing this in to your post as it is yet another part to this very good, and well told, story.
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Jul 07 '12
I came here for the Naked gun reference, but when I saw this post I must admit I was intimidated by they length. Then I noticed this was the third part, duh. Followed by a rather loud "Fuck that". But, out of respect for the late Leslie Nelson I started reading it. And I must admit, it was VERY good. If you find yourself in a similar position, read it. Well written and funny as hell.
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u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker Jul 07 '12
I wasn't sure if folks would catch the reference or not. They were some of my favorite movies :)
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u/thenlar Jul 07 '12
Must've seen it 30 times myself.
"You've gone back to Police Squad!" "No.... it's another woman!" "Liar!"
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u/kkjdroid su priest -c 'touch children' Jul 07 '12
Elicited, not illicited.
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u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker Jul 07 '12
First they came for the split infinitives. And I did not speak up; because I try not to needlessly split infinitives.
Then they came for the double negatives. And I didn’t say nothing; because I don’t never use double negatives.
Then they came for sentences ended with prepositions. And I did not speak up; because that is grammar I don’t put up with.
Then they came for the passive tense. And nothing was said; for usage of the passive tense is frowned upon.
Then they came for sentences which began with conjunctions. And…
Oh bugger.
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u/somadrop Jul 07 '12
Did you... Just come up with that?
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u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker Jul 07 '12
No, lol. I had the idea, too, but someone beat me to it.
It was sitting in my 'goofy replies' file for a long time. I'm glad I got to use it ;)
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u/Azerius CTRL + ALT + ABANDON SHIP Jul 07 '12
I am so stealing this.
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u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker Jul 07 '12
For the life of me, I can't remember the actual source, but I'm sure Google does.
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u/boatmang Jul 07 '12
this is perfect, I can imagine that you were indeed glad to get delegated the task of cutting phil off after all the shit you went through. Mad props for keeping your cool
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u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker Jul 07 '12
Looking back on it, I consider it a blessing and a curse. Yeah, it was nice to be the one to operate the shoe of ass-kickery, but at the same time, I do feel a bit sorry for the guy. I detailed why over in part 2.
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u/CutterJohn Jul 07 '12
You were a touch aggressive walking into the meeting, but other than that well done!
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u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker Jul 07 '12
The whole thing left me a bit sour, and I didn't sleep well that night. I honestly felt I'd let that poor girl down, and let the company down.
I'd over-thought the situation multiple times as I tossed, turned, watched infomercials, etc. I believe I even brushed up my resume at some point that evening, figuring I'd need it tomorrow anyway.
Yeah, I was on the offensive, and it was misplaced. At least my quick wit (or, as the joke goes, half of it) allowed me to quickly side-step that hole I'd dug with a joke.
Never mind that, as I mentioned, the people that worked there were quite decent, down-to-earth folk.
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u/FatBoxers Oh Good, You're All Here Jul 07 '12
You're a good person, Silent. You honestly are.
You also know when not to take shit from someone, and refuse to put up much of a filter when it comes to how you feel. The way you handled Phil, even though it feels 'normal' to you, was flawless. You have grace as much as you do common sense and empathy. All of which I view you to have an abundance of.
While you may feel like you didn't do anything really special Silent, to the rest of us, you really did. You put a jackass in his place, someone who has been tormenting your place of work for quite some time. From where I've worked, only a handful of people could do that, and they had some form of 'rank.'
You really had some good management on that job. Not going to lie, kinda envy you.
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u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker Jul 07 '12
Well... I wasn't in that job for much after that. Maybe 6 more months.
I was young, and stupid, and got myself canned. Over-controlling girlfriend who claimed I never spent time with her, so I'd hang out with her constantly... and show up late to work regularly. Or late coming back from lunch... Or I'd leave early... and on and on and on...
It miffed me at the time when I got canned for it. But now, I see they were spot-on with their actions. It was my damn fault, and I'm a better person for them smacking me in the head with that blunt clue-stick. It did help me ditch a woman who really was nothing but trouble, at the minimum :)
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u/FatBoxers Oh Good, You're All Here Jul 08 '12
But not everything lasts, Silent. Losing a job, while depressing and aggravating, tends to be a GOOD thing depending on the person (From where I'm standing, it seems you're the type to actually 'learn').
To which I ask, did you learn anything? Its obvious something good came out of it (Removing yourself from an unhealthy relationship). From the looks of it, you simply moved on with your life afterwards. Which is all you can do.
You are a hero to many of us who can not simply step forward and say what you have, be it from the wall of rules from corporate or our own too-kind personalities (I tend to be the latter). You stepped out and put your foot down.
Admit it, deep down it feels good having done what you did. You removed a real thorn in your previous workplace's paw. While it had to be done, you were the only one the management really believed could (and did) do it right.
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u/AichSmize Jul 07 '12
Yay! Yahoo! I'm cheering here!
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u/GeneralDisorder Works for Web Host (calls and e-mails) Jul 07 '12
Yahoo! is dead... Wait. Nevermind. It's still there. I couldn't see it under all that Google.
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u/hydrox24 Being 16 doesn't mean I'll help you for free. Jul 07 '12
Excellent job sir, You showed proffesionalism along with the rest of your team and it payed off.
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u/xendatious Jul 07 '12
Yes god damnit, Phil is gone, took long enough!
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u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker Jul 07 '12
It did take a while. Corporations move slow on this stuff, even ones where they're actually pretty good (as that one was).
I think he was a customer for about 1.5 years, in total. He didn't badger us in the beginning, but the last 9 months of him were pure hell. This story covers the last ~4 months of it, give or take a month.
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u/Cerberus136 Jul 07 '12
Damn you write good. I told myself "Oh this is far too long to read at 4:45am", but I went ahead and read the whole thing and was entranced the entire time. Great (true I would hope!) story man! :)
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u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker Jul 07 '12
Names changed due to forgetfulness more than to protect the innocent. I also glossed over the length of quite a few of those conversations throughout.
That final meeting with the big-wigs was at least an hour long, probably more. Not something that was much 'fun' for someone still upset from the situation, and running on way too little sleep.
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u/LilDrunkenSmurf Oh God How Did This Get Here? Jul 07 '12
I love you. I've had customers I wanted to fire at my last job. However it was an internal help desk.
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u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker Jul 07 '12
I actually had one of those, too.
I can't directly confirm their removal from the company was caused by how they acted toward tech support, but they were gone after a particularly long, and stupid incident one eve.
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u/GeneralDisorder Works for Web Host (calls and e-mails) Jul 07 '12
I sense a new bookmark in my near future.
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u/0011002 you're doing it wrong Jul 08 '12
That superman submission he made was funny as hell near the end.
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u/albebop Jul 07 '12
I've been watching the story from part one. You sir, have a talent for handling people and writing for which I'm envious. I work in mobile communications, and am finally working my way out of customer service, but I actually have a few "cold cases" which I'm avoiding because I just don't have it in me anymore to spar with these people. You're a talented individual.
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u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker Jul 07 '12
I can relate to that. Banging your head into a brick wall with zero progress is never fun; even though it feels so damn good when you stop.
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u/albebop Jul 07 '12
For my part, it's actually my fist, and there's no brick wall to punch anymore since I'm working from home these days. Also, they gave me funny looks for doing that so I stopped.
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u/Morendur So Tired.... Jul 07 '12
You know what I hate most about Phil? Other then the fact that he made someone quit there job because that is just fucking despicable. I hate the fact that he has my name >.>
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u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker Jul 07 '12
Substitute whatever you want for the word 'Phil' in my stories. It was a random choice, and not the guy's real name.
I'll go all Canadian for a moment here and just say 'sorry'.
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u/Morendur So Tired.... Jul 07 '12
I feel better already. I would feel even better if this stupid server 2k8 would stop giving me issues :P
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u/jaheiner Jul 07 '12
Gotta be honest, my favorite part of this was your response to the meeting with your company big wigs. Much props to you all around though, was a great read and you did a great job with this situation.
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u/epochwolf vasili@red-october:~$ ping -n 1 dallas.uss Jul 07 '12
This is beautiful. I cried happy tears. :')
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u/s-mores I make your code work Jul 07 '12
Slow clap
This has got to be one of the very best uplifting TFTS storylines. Good workmanship, proffessionalism, support from higher up and a satisfactory ending. Heck, there's even pie at the end!
Kudos, sir, and congratulations on getting rid of Phil.
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u/QuizB Jul 07 '12
TIL: Redditors in tech support end up happy as long as they get pie.
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u/rieh Drone S&I Engineer Jul 07 '12
Corollary TIL: Everyone is happy as long as they get pie. Pie = Delicious
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u/Marios_Brother Jul 07 '12
Enjoyed reading these very much! I just posted this one in [bestof](www.reddit.com/r/bestof) -- never done it before, but seems plenty worthy to me.
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u/SergeantKoopa Nanoo-nanoo! Jul 07 '12
This story as one of the most satisfying conclusions aside from the guy that was getting thrown under the bus for a site being down and pulled up Google Voice recordings proving the fault didn't lie with him.
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Jul 08 '12
I created an account simply to reply to this.
My brother, who frequents reddit, directed me here, and I read through all three parts.
I commend you for being able to handle the situation, put your foot down, and say "No more service for you"
I certainly don't work in the computer tech support, but I do work in the transportation field. I currently work in a heavy truck dealership working on big rigs, dump trucks, and anything else that will fit in our door. Basically same job, its just I also have to do the work along with talk to the drivers. Every once in a while we get the same situation. We get a customer in that is just too particular and wants everything his/her way. There's been stories from other dealerships even about customers throwing a fit about why a truck isn't being worked on or some such. The service manager then said something to the effect of "Quit bugging us or we'll push your truck out of the shop and have it towed if its not off the lot in 2 hours." The customer kept going and they pushed it out. Called a tow-truck and the customer was gone, still having to pay for whatever work was done.
We haven't had anything that severe at our shop, but we've had some problem customers for sure. The ones who think they should get anything for free. Or the ones who somehow manage to get the general manager's number and complain to them.
I'll remember your story though. Well told and informative. Do you still work in the field?
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u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker Jul 08 '12
I got a few friends who are truckers. One tells me horror stories whenever he's in town of horrible drivers doing absolute stupid stuff other truckers do at weigh stations and truck stops, so I can believe you'd get morons in a repair station.
He thankfully doesn't do by-the-mile anymore (or, I don't think he does), he's just on a set route to swing and pick up/drop off. But, I can see when the rig is down how tempers could run hot; add in that it's a very solitary job obviously, so it could attract the same type of mentality as what Phil had.
I no longer work in tech, moved on years ago. :)
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Jul 08 '12
Our biggest problem right now is we get a lot of drivers in who don't even speak English. Trying to find out the problem when the driver can't even explain it is not a fun thing. There's a lot of hand gestures and yelling when no-one is hard of hearing. More often than not we have to go out to the truck and have the driver point to what's broken.
Not only are the driver's bad, but the trucks themselves can get pretty scary too. In this economy where everyone's trying to save some money, repairs are often put on the back-burner so to speak.
Good luck in the cooking field. Are you working at a restaurant or a larger company?
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u/blueskin Bastard Operator From Pandora Jul 08 '12
Amazing. I always wondered what it'd be like to fire a customer.
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u/Xellos42 Jul 07 '12
I'd just like you to know that I upvoted parts 2 and 3 before reading them. I was that confident that they would be fantastic.
They were.
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u/Khaosity If User = User {Stupidity = true} Jul 07 '12
Such a great read, all three parts. I'm really hoping you have more tales to share.
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u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker Jul 07 '12
I may share a few. I'm actually entirely out of tech support right at this moment, due to some other changes in my life.
I've got my equipment still, though, so I'll probably jump back in in the future. I'd rather just settle back down, and adjust to my new surroundings first, before I make another go of it.
If you're curious, I cook professionally now, and it is my primary 'day job'. I'm fully freelance on my tech support, and only take the jobs I want to take; it's no longer a primary source of income. Honestly, that was the best move for me; I'm enjoying life a lot more since that happened :)
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u/Khaosity If User = User {Stupidity = true} Jul 07 '12
Ha, not the first career change that would come to mind. But good on ya, glad you're enjoying life more :D
Hopefully I never have to do tech support for anyone other than friends or family, gonna be going to college for Comp Sci so probably not, but you never know :b
But anyway, thanks for sharing, and hopefully you never run into another "Phil", either in your freelance work or your cooking work. Though it would be interesting to see how a Phil-esque customer would work out in a restaurant situation (If that's where you ended up anyway :b). Hmmmmm.....
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u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker Jul 07 '12
If I run into someone like him now, I just walk away. I've walked away from a few jobs because I got the feeling someone was just too overbearing or wouldn't be happy or satisfied with any result.
I've also walked away from houses that should be on the front cover of "Hoarder's Magazine". If the door needs 'extra pushes' to open, just walk away.
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u/Khaosity If User = User {Stupidity = true} Jul 07 '12
Ha, the perks of freelancing I suppose. But that's very good advice.
"No mam, I do not want to dig through your pile of trash to find your tower just for you to say I broke it."
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u/Bazzatron Jul 07 '12
Wow, just wow.
Thanks for sharing such an awesome story with us, both my fiancée and I laughed most heartily, and it's definitely made the thought of going back to work much more agreeable :D
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Jul 07 '12
So many time I've dreamt of being able to kick a customer off the list.
The worst we've had at my job is getting one of our customers techs reassigned for abusive tickets and time wasting.. I'll post that one some day.
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u/mikachuu Jul 07 '12
As someone who worked in a call center and had an intense love/hate relationship with it, I wish I had stuck with it just for occasions like these. Guys like you are heroes to little peons like me. Except for the quitting part, I was that "new girl". Some guy blew up on me over the phone for just half an hour, but it felt like ages. I don't know your secret to staying calm under pressure, but it might have kept me from cracking and handling the situation like I should have.
But anyway, come back with more stories! I, for one, would really enjoy hearing them.
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u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker Jul 07 '12
I always try to picture that after getting out of there, she went on to open a shop or two focused on her hobbies. The very, very few times I talked to her, she was sweet, a little shy, and extremely intelligent.
I hope she, and you, have gone on to much better places than a help desk. Such places are stepping stones :)
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Jul 16 '12
I have had people blow up on me, back when I worked the phones I was a very angry and very unhappy person (my girlfriend and my parents can vouch for that, I lost my cool with them for dumb stuff too many times after changing from one servicedesk to another as helpdesk fodder).
One of the secrets to keeping cool is to just not give a damn.
The other is more difficult to attain, it's to have bosses that got your back.
The final one is to understand that to the caller you are the responsible for the issue they are having, and they won't feel guilty about making you cry or feel bad (the bad ones will revel in it actually), so just let it wash over you, it's not personal even when they attack your person with insults like saying you are incompetent or a waste of space (I heard one of my colleagues being called a dumb bitch (by an internal user no less)) because you are not a person to them just some automaton that picks up the phones for companies.
You are a rock and their abuse is water washing over you. (I know that even a huge rock will get smaller after some time, which is why after maybe 3 or 4 years (more if you have more patience than me) you should get out of the helpdesk frontlines.)
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Jul 07 '12
I was actually at the edge of my seat near the end lol this was a fun read. Also I must give you props for not taking shit from this asshole. I still feel sorry for the girl... ;/
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u/nellapoo the tv doctor Jul 07 '12
I wish my company would fire a certain regular caller. He isn't so much abusive as annoying. He talks about God and the end of the world and radio waves and NEVER has an issue. He will call 10-15 times a day (at least thats how many notes are in the account per day sometimes). Some people find him hilarious and I do not. I am on the phones to provide support to customers that need it, not to humor some lonely crazy old man.
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u/s1500 Jul 07 '12
Someone on here talked about if 10% of your customers take 90% of your time, dump 'em. Looks like your company finally did.
You have to admit, his wordsmithing is skillful. His printer won't work printing pages from his site(hosted by you), so it's your responsibility. If you asked him to try printing another website, he'd just angrily retort something like "that's not what I'm trying to print! I'm trying to print my site!". When doing tech support for an ISP, suddenly everything related to the computer became our problem. Why? We were free & available.
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Jul 07 '12
An issue with his fridge he was sure was internet-related? I demand, nay, NEED to know more!
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u/strtrkn BOFH Wannabe Aug 15 '12
All I can say is I literally cried a little I was so impressed w/ the final call. Epic story. Something every single one of us in IT loves to here. IT winning.
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u/Xredo Jul 07 '12
I read through all your tales, and I think this would make an excellent short comedy TV series.
I so wish someone would do that.
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u/Left_of_Center2011 You there, computer man - fix my pants Jul 07 '12
I admit that I was far more emotionally invested in the saga of Phil than is probably normal. Cheers on the ultimate victory, I feel like you had a Luke Skywalker-after-the-first-Death-Star moment. May all the upvotes find their way to you.
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Jul 07 '12
What sort of pie?
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u/SilentDis Professional Asshat Breaker Jul 07 '12
Peach, if memory serves. I made it that night out of 'frustration', heh
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u/sacca7 Jul 07 '12
I just read all three of your posts out loud to my SO. Very much enjoyed! Thank you.
You're our new hero, SilentDis!
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u/kad3t Jul 07 '12
What an amazing story! I mean we do have customers like that. Customers who cost us much more than we earn on them and also who are difficult to deal with. Wish we could just terminate contracts with them all but I suppose it would take out the sweetness out of the 'little' victories we have over them on each and every call pointing out the obvious lack of any knowledge or common sense on their side. :)
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u/mojokabobo Jul 07 '12
I just thought that I'd let you know that I now have you tagged in RES as "Professional Asshat Breaker".
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Jul 07 '12
I actually started cheering while reading this. Did you ever hear back from the new girl?
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u/Spooky_Electric When passwords get lost, I explore for new ones. Jul 07 '12
You are a hero amongst men and women everywhere good sir. Plus, it actual seems like a respectable call company that you work/worked for. I'm pretty sure it has its problems. Any who thanks for sharing and god speed!!
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u/sops-sierra-19 Jul 07 '12
Fuck dude, I think I wet myself - no wait, that's semen. I'd cross post this to /r/JusticePorn, but I don't want to rob you of the karma.
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u/airbornemist6 Jul 08 '12
Luckily, while I was working phone support I only got one Phil-type character. I can hardly imagine that type of person having my direct extension.
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u/Locclo Jul 08 '12
Bravo, sir, bravo. This whole trilogy has been one of the best I've read on TFTS. I'm honestly amazed that you managed to remain calm through all of the abuse. You are truly a god among techies.
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u/Tattycakes Just stick it in there Jul 10 '12
I absolutely adore this story. It's so impressive to see someone not only take such ownership of such a fucking PitA user, but to completely hand his ass to him too. Bravo!
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u/kli53 Address bar? I'll just use the googles Jul 10 '12
Good sir, if you live in Arizona, I would love to take you out for a drink. You are a great story teller and a damn funny man!
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u/Abedeus Jul 07 '12
I believe I was promised a pie.
Anywho, good work. I'm really surprised reading talesfromtechsupport, notalwaysright.com and other shit like this. Where I live, if you mouthed off to someone from a company you are subscribed to, they would threaten you with cancellation of service VERY fast.
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u/NLratboy Jul 07 '12
Dude, I don't even know what to say. I've read all three of your Phil stories and they are amazing and the way you handled him was BOSS. One question though, when you walk in the office, do you get looks like this when you walk in?
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u/greito12 Jul 07 '12
You know, I feel sorry for you. You must never get any action downstairs due to the fact that you have the testicular fortitude of a blackhole and any woman who strays close to your ballsack must be instantly drawn into them and disappear.