r/stayathomemoms • u/MrsYeti616 • Apr 07 '26
Discussion Feeling undervalued by my 6.5yo, a venting discussion…
I think my son thought it was funny to say that he thinks we would starve if his dad, my husband, left for a week. This is likely due to my son’s perception of his dad earning money for the family. So if he wasn’t here, we wouldn’t have money? Granted we do eat out a lot, so perhaps it’s because he doesn’t see me in the kitchen often? I looked at my son dumbfounded. I asked him if he genuinely thought he and I couldn’t get by on our own. He says, “well you just go to Pilates, and crochet, and sit around being lazy.” 😳 How my eyes burn just writing that out. But in the moment I was so extremely angry. I just got up and told him I was not going to be helping him get ready for sports today, and that I will no longer be helping him in the shower when he asks.
He came to me later and apologized for saying that I do nothing, and tried to hug me but I didn’t want any of it. I tend to go to bed angry, hold a grudge but have been learning to let stuff go for the sake of my child, to teach him to be better with his emotions. But this one is so hard. I told him if he truly thought I didn’t do anything, then I was going to start making it true and to stop doing things for him. He was going to start by taking his clothes out of the dryer and putting it in his room. I emphasized that they were clothes that were his that I took the initiative to wash for him.
Later, I just ignored him and went about my business. But after a little while, I asked him if he knew why I was still upset, which he said no. I told him that while apologies are the right thing to say when we hurt someone, there are times that apologies are not enough and they don’t automatically fix a situation. I told him it wasn’t nice to call someone lazy, especially to the someone who is always looking out for him and making sure everything is prepared when it is needed, or simply when it might be needed. That he truly hurt my feelings and I couldn’t get over it with just an I’m sorry.
He left with his dad for sports and we didn’t hug goodbye, nor did we say I love you. Im suppose to be the grown up here but it’s really hard in this moment.
What am I doing wrong that he thinks this way? What do I need to change? Am I actually doing too much for him? Don’t worry, hubby did not sit idly by as this was going on. At first he may have thought I was over reacting, but then went on to explain more after I told my son apologies weren’t enough. I don’t really expect anything else from my son about this. I just don’t want him to continue thinking this about me. Am I overreacting?
EDITED TO ADD: Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I understand I shouldn’t be withholding my love from my son, in any case. I know I overreacted. I lashed out and was defensive. I came here really hurt and sensitive. But it seems I should have added some more details of the evening. I was very overwhelmed and out of sorts yesterday and didn’t take the time to reply to everyone as their comments deserved.
We make it a point in our family to give each other space if we’re having big feelings, and to have a discussion about these matters when everyone is calm. I felt like I didn’t have a chance to be calm before my son had to leave for his activities.
He came home from sports and we immediately said hi and gave each other a hug. As usual, the kid is over it and didn’t see it as a big deal and is carefree. I’m happy he can do that quickly without stewing over things. Once he was ready for bed, I asked him if we could talk about what happened earlier. I asked him what he means when he says someone is lazy. He said when someone sits around doing nothing, and doesn’t eat healthy. I asked him if he felt like I did those things, and he said no. He said he was trying to be funny, not to be mean. So I told him I understand that now and I said some things when I was hurt. Things I shouldn’t have said because as his mom I love him every much, no matter what, and that I was here for him to help him with whatever he needs. We hugged it out and cuddled to sleep.
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u/RelevantAd6063 Apr 07 '26
you lost your cool and left a teaching moment on the table. most of the work stay at home parents do is invisible, of course he thinks you don’t do anything. so TEACH him to NOTICE what you’re doing!! “hmm i guess it is hard to see what i’m doing if you don’t know how to look for it. some of what i do is in the background making things run smoothly, some of it just feels like part of our relationship, and some of it actually is invisible because it’s inside my head. how about i start teaching you to notice what do? this way you’ll be prepared to manage your own household one day and you’ll be able to appreciate all the work that goes into being a stay at home parent.” and then point things out as you go through the day, including the invisible stuff inside your head.
letting your kid get you this dysregulated where you’re like holding a grudge on him and punishing him by not doing your normal caretaking responsibilities is just teaching him that you aren’t safe to make mistakes with and that he is responsible for adults’ feelings. both of which aren’t things you want him to learn. if he were a teenager saying this to upset you on purpose that would be one thing, but his comment was innocent. he is young and literally doesn’t have the knowledge to not think this way.
so yeah you are overreacting in a big way but it’s not too late. take some deep breaths, sleep on it tonight, and tomorrow apologize for overreacting and offer to teach him about your very important job as ceo of the house and family 💜