r/stayathomemoms • u/MrsYeti616 • Apr 07 '26
Discussion Feeling undervalued by my 6.5yo, a venting discussion…
I think my son thought it was funny to say that he thinks we would starve if his dad, my husband, left for a week. This is likely due to my son’s perception of his dad earning money for the family. So if he wasn’t here, we wouldn’t have money? Granted we do eat out a lot, so perhaps it’s because he doesn’t see me in the kitchen often? I looked at my son dumbfounded. I asked him if he genuinely thought he and I couldn’t get by on our own. He says, “well you just go to Pilates, and crochet, and sit around being lazy.” 😳 How my eyes burn just writing that out. But in the moment I was so extremely angry. I just got up and told him I was not going to be helping him get ready for sports today, and that I will no longer be helping him in the shower when he asks.
He came to me later and apologized for saying that I do nothing, and tried to hug me but I didn’t want any of it. I tend to go to bed angry, hold a grudge but have been learning to let stuff go for the sake of my child, to teach him to be better with his emotions. But this one is so hard. I told him if he truly thought I didn’t do anything, then I was going to start making it true and to stop doing things for him. He was going to start by taking his clothes out of the dryer and putting it in his room. I emphasized that they were clothes that were his that I took the initiative to wash for him.
Later, I just ignored him and went about my business. But after a little while, I asked him if he knew why I was still upset, which he said no. I told him that while apologies are the right thing to say when we hurt someone, there are times that apologies are not enough and they don’t automatically fix a situation. I told him it wasn’t nice to call someone lazy, especially to the someone who is always looking out for him and making sure everything is prepared when it is needed, or simply when it might be needed. That he truly hurt my feelings and I couldn’t get over it with just an I’m sorry.
He left with his dad for sports and we didn’t hug goodbye, nor did we say I love you. Im suppose to be the grown up here but it’s really hard in this moment.
What am I doing wrong that he thinks this way? What do I need to change? Am I actually doing too much for him? Don’t worry, hubby did not sit idly by as this was going on. At first he may have thought I was over reacting, but then went on to explain more after I told my son apologies weren’t enough. I don’t really expect anything else from my son about this. I just don’t want him to continue thinking this about me. Am I overreacting?
EDITED TO ADD: Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I understand I shouldn’t be withholding my love from my son, in any case. I know I overreacted. I lashed out and was defensive. I came here really hurt and sensitive. But it seems I should have added some more details of the evening. I was very overwhelmed and out of sorts yesterday and didn’t take the time to reply to everyone as their comments deserved.
We make it a point in our family to give each other space if we’re having big feelings, and to have a discussion about these matters when everyone is calm. I felt like I didn’t have a chance to be calm before my son had to leave for his activities.
He came home from sports and we immediately said hi and gave each other a hug. As usual, the kid is over it and didn’t see it as a big deal and is carefree. I’m happy he can do that quickly without stewing over things. Once he was ready for bed, I asked him if we could talk about what happened earlier. I asked him what he means when he says someone is lazy. He said when someone sits around doing nothing, and doesn’t eat healthy. I asked him if he felt like I did those things, and he said no. He said he was trying to be funny, not to be mean. So I told him I understand that now and I said some things when I was hurt. Things I shouldn’t have said because as his mom I love him every much, no matter what, and that I was here for him to help him with whatever he needs. We hugged it out and cuddled to sleep.
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u/emmyemu Apr 07 '26
Gently, the apologies aren’t enough thing I think is a bit too far like what do you want him to do with that? He can’t unsay the unkind thing he said he tried to make it better by apologizing
Even as an adult if my husband or someone close said that to me I’m not really sure I’d know what to do beyond changing my actions to make whatever it was better going forward but he’s 6 that seems a lot to expect him to infer
I totally understand what he said was hurtful but as adults sometimes we just have to do the hard thing of getting over our own hurt feelings
Maybe as a separate thing giving him a couple of chores to do a week would be helpful for him so that he can start to realize what goes in to running a household
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u/MrsYeti616 Apr 07 '26
You’re right, it’s hard to have high expectations from a 6yo. I think I was extra disappointed bc he is often so much better than this.!
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u/RelevantAd6063 Apr 07 '26
you lost your cool and left a teaching moment on the table. most of the work stay at home parents do is invisible, of course he thinks you don’t do anything. so TEACH him to NOTICE what you’re doing!! “hmm i guess it is hard to see what i’m doing if you don’t know how to look for it. some of what i do is in the background making things run smoothly, some of it just feels like part of our relationship, and some of it actually is invisible because it’s inside my head. how about i start teaching you to notice what do? this way you’ll be prepared to manage your own household one day and you’ll be able to appreciate all the work that goes into being a stay at home parent.” and then point things out as you go through the day, including the invisible stuff inside your head.
letting your kid get you this dysregulated where you’re like holding a grudge on him and punishing him by not doing your normal caretaking responsibilities is just teaching him that you aren’t safe to make mistakes with and that he is responsible for adults’ feelings. both of which aren’t things you want him to learn. if he were a teenager saying this to upset you on purpose that would be one thing, but his comment was innocent. he is young and literally doesn’t have the knowledge to not think this way.
so yeah you are overreacting in a big way but it’s not too late. take some deep breaths, sleep on it tonight, and tomorrow apologize for overreacting and offer to teach him about your very important job as ceo of the house and family 💜
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u/MrsYeti616 Apr 07 '26
Thank you. Those are some great talking points.
We’ve recovered already tonight, but I’m definitely still tender from it.
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u/mgw89 Apr 07 '26
This was very difficult to read. You deeply wounded your small child because he made a silly comment? ALL that baggage you associate with “starving” is because you’re an adult with decades of life experience. Your boy is 6 and likely heard those words from somewhere else and didn’t understand all the weight behind them. If it had been me, I would have just laughed and said hey we would THRIVE young man! You’re saying that you actually held a grudge, withheld contact and wouldn’t interact with your kiddo? You need to seriously evaluate why you had such a strong reaction here and maybe consider therapy to unravel why your child’s words have so much power. Good luck.
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u/MrsYeti616 Apr 07 '26
Because words matter? And “deeply wounding” my child is a very far stretch of the imagination. I wrote through tears and perhaps didn’t convey myself properly. In no way am I holding a grudge against him right now. That whole interaction was over a period of 30 minutes. But it was very hard for me to try to teach him in the moment when I was hurt. For the record, we often have to remind him to say his goodbyes and thank yous when he leaves a place, and that includes the I love yous. Today I just chose not to remind him when he left. Perhaps it was a bit childish, but I think I’m allowed to be in my feelings every once in awhile. I’m not giving up on parenting. I just don’t really get why he even said this all to begin with, and to your point, who is he getting it from?
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u/mgw89 Apr 07 '26
Girl, all I can do is deeply sigh if you don’t understand all that’s wrong with the way you treated your son. But if you believe that words matter, the way to teach that lesson is not through emotional manipulation, it’s through the very long and very tedious process of modeling. Sometimes it’s hard to stay the course. Speak with kindness and compassion and intentionality. Don’t wound or cajole or punish with your words, and if anyone in your son’s orbit is regularly doing those things, reconsider your and his relationship to that person.
And please, for the love of God, if your child asks you for a hug, give one to him and add in a kiss on the head.
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u/MrsYeti616 Apr 07 '26
I get it, I hear you and you’re right. It was just really freakin’ hard in that moment. I had to walk away and gather myself and I just wasn’t quite ready when he came to me.
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u/Punk2Pampers Apr 07 '26
My son is also 6.5 years old. That doesn't sound like something a kid his age would say. He is repeating something he heard. He apologized. And I understand it hurt your feelings. But I'm not sure that age can grasp emotions beyond that.
You're doing nothing wrong. It sounds like you're showing great habits by working out, having hobbies, and taking time for yourself to unwind. Maybe tell him being idle isn't lazy it's recharging.
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u/102015062020 Apr 07 '26
You could have him reflect at the end of each day of the things you did for him that day (maybe Dad could help point things out that kiddo missed). This gets you back to helping him and he acknowledges the many things you do. And maybe you see where he can start being a little more independent too, but I think that should start separately as it’s not a punishment but rather a way for him to grow.
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u/Unique_Ad732 Apr 07 '26
He’s just saying that because he heard your husband saying that. If was not the husband, was another trusted adult. Believe me, 6.5yo don’t just come up with random things like that, they repeat a lot
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u/Some_Permission5037 Apr 08 '26
Yeah I was thinking this too. If I were OP: “And who told you that, honey?”
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u/Alternative_Case7578 Apr 07 '26
You’re justified in your feelings. Kids, heck even spouses and well meaning friends, don’t see the “behind the scenes” work SAHMs do. It’s the emotional toll of keeping all the balls in the air. Dr appointments, school, meal planning, house upkeep. My hubby and I have the discussion on occasion so he knows the importance of sharing the accolades at our dinner parties. He may be the cook but I do everything else. Chin up momma. That sweet boy is still there and his words weren’t intended to hurt. He doesn’t know any difference right now. Trust that he does see all you do. 💛
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u/MrsYeti616 Apr 07 '26
Thank you for your encouraging words. He definitely is my sweet boy who just had a hiccup.
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u/A_Hakes1102 Apr 07 '26
Listen, as a venting session- yes get it all Out! It’s so hard when we do all the invisible work and it’s confirmed that it’s neither seen or understood or appreciated. If this was just a venting session I think every single one of us would understand.
But it’s not just that. You stonewalled a 6 year old. Psychologically speaking they have absolutely no capacity to understand the depths of what you go through for them. The best thing you can do in this situation is to laugh it off with a, “silly boy, some day you will understand” a pat on the head and the continued work you do because you love him and because you chose to bring him into the world.
Maybe take a moment to ask yourself why your own view of your worth hinges on what a six year old says? What other foundation are you building from? because he can’t be it.
Stonewalling and emotional punishment won’t teach him that you do things for him. It will teach him that accidentally expressing a thought that could be offensive will take away his needs and he will develop coping mechanisms because of that.
I’m sorry you had a rough day, and I’m genuinely sorry for the very sensitive way that this specific situation hurts. My kids have said things like this too, unknowingly. It’s a terrible thing to have rattling around in your brain. Be sure to look yourself in the mirror and remind yourself how fundamentally strong and important you are. No one’s opinion or perception can change that. And then go back to work and take care of that little one like it’s your favorite thing to do.
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u/MrsYeti616 Apr 07 '26
Thank you for this tough love. I hear you.
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u/A_Hakes1102 Apr 07 '26
If it helps you feel any better or less alone, the other day my 8 yo asked me if I went to the gym every day. Innocent enough as far as questions go. I told him no I go three times a week. And then that little stinker straight face said to me “maybe you should go every day.” I have just had a baby and I definitely put on weight and we’ve had many talks about how women’s bodies change, and isn’t it amazing what a women’s body can do… and yet there I stood being emotionally attacked haha. It’s been a couple days and it still pops into my thoughts…Anyways, I only share this to commiserate. They really hit you where it hurts sometimes.
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u/nothanksyeah Apr 07 '26
Wow, the way you acted is really inappropriate. Ignoring him, not hugging him, not talking to him, not saying you love him, telling him you don’t accept his apology? This is a way to push your child away and not be a safe, secure person to him.
He is 6 years old. He is still learning. Teaching him and talking to him would be appropriate. This is really hurtful to him and will only harm your relationship. You have to get over your own feelings and be a good mother to him.
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u/TumaloLavender Apr 07 '26
I understand you’re upset and hurt but you can’t seriously be holding a grudge against your 6 year old. He already came to you and apologized.
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u/MrsYeti616 Apr 07 '26
You’re right. My grudge only lasted about half an hour, but I was being honest about it.
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u/ChemistCurious Apr 07 '26
He’s 6.5. To be upset over this is a bit crazy to me, but the way you reacted is even crazier. My 6 year old has said some extreme things to me but most of the time it’s because he’s trying to be funny, or repeating something that he doesn’t even really know what it means. The fact that he even apologized? This whole thing just seems really sad, for the child.
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u/MrsYeti616 Apr 07 '26
I definitely overreacted and treated him unfairly. I apologized to him later in the evening and we talked it out and cuddled it out.
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u/ChristmasDestr0y3r Apr 07 '26
Huge overeaction and every comment here is 100% on point, however your understanding still lacks in your responses to them.
I would look into some parenting classes and books. Discipline Without Damage by Dr Vanessa Lapointe is a good start.
I'm going to be very frank here. You treated your son like he's your husband. It sounded like a married couple quarreling. I would say that it's not age appropriate, but that's not even how we handle it with our adult children or any relationship.
You say you want to help your kids rise above your own emotional underdevelopment, but are you working on your own emotions through therapy or are you masking? If the latter then I'd also say that therapy would be a good choice as well. You sound very emotionally immature. My mother did and does the same things. She has untreated Borderline Personality Disorder.
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u/MrsYeti616 Apr 07 '26
So I came here in a moment of hurt and vulnerability. One moment in the last seven years as a parent. I understand I overreacted, and in your words emotionally immature in that moment. I needed to vent and Reddit gave me some tough love. What else should I be saying that would make you happy?
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u/saucy-limes Apr 07 '26
I think you’re overreacting but I do think there’s things you can do to help the situation. A huge point to remember, he really is 6.5. He legitimately is in the process of learning how to be a human, and teaching him that his mistakes have consequences is one thing, but one co sequence that we can’t ever afford our kids is for them to believe we no longer love them. Your actions (hear me gently) are unloving and teaching him that his mistakes affect your affection towards him which cannot ever be the case.
You can however do a lot of things to remedy. The first thing I’d do the next time you see him is pull him aside, and immediately apologize for withholding affection for a mistake. You can say “your words hurt me, and that can require time to heal, but I cannot withhold love to you and for that I’m sorry. I love you even when you are unkind to me.” This doesn’t let him off scotch free because our words MATTER, but you owe him an apology.
Two, your husband needs to know what happened and I think it would be helpful to mention that your son could benefit from hearing your husband show appreciation for your work at home. Dads affect their sons and it’s necessary they display exactly the behavior they expect.
It’s also imperative that you make sure you are requiring him to do chores and support the household, even if it makes you happy to help him. Increase his participation in household tasks. He needs to FEEL how hard you work, not as a punishment but to encourage familial appreciation. We are all a TEAM! We win and lose together. We help eachother. We work hard for eachother. And we get to relax with rewards like crocheting, Pilates, and other activities when we worked hard that day!
Hugs mama. Everyday is hard. But you have to be harder than it. You got this!
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u/MrsYeti616 Apr 07 '26
Thank you for responding! I started a reply but ended up putting it as part of the post so others would see it also.
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u/saucy-limes Apr 07 '26
Glad you made it over the worst. Parenting is hard 🤍 we all say things or don’t mean or have a hard time expressing what we actually mean. Happy you guys are on good terms and worked it out
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u/MrsYeti616 Apr 07 '26
I’m happy too, thanks. Parenting really is hard. You’re 💯accurate that it’s so difficult expressing what we truly mean.
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u/accountforbabystuff Apr 07 '26
My 8 year old can say things like this to me. Sometimes it does really sting. I wonder if they heard their Dad say this. Maybe you reacted strongly to it because there’s some relationship issues or for some reason you’re already insecure about these things? Like for me if this was said to me I’d laugh and be like what the heck. But that’s not my insecurity, my kid has other things she says to hurt me! Try to understand where your reaction is coming from.
I don’t think there’s anything necessarily wrong with letting them know that hurt you, and we are only human. But it was definitely no the ideal way to respond by punishing him like that.
Ideally I communicate something like “I can handle you being mean to me because I’m you mom, and I love you no matter what, but if you speak that way to other people they might not get over it as fast.”
Nobody is perfect! Learn an do better next time. But kids will do this and it’s not anything you did wrong.
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u/MrsYeti616 Apr 07 '26
Thank you. That’s a great comeback. I did explain to him later in the evening how it hurt me a lot because I feel like I do so much for him and a comment like that makes me feel like he doesn’t appreciate it. I also told him I will love him very much, no matter what he does or says. He told me he was sorry he was mean and I told him I knew he didn’t mean to hurt me so all is forgiven. We cuddled to sleep.
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u/No-Stuff1070 Apr 07 '26
He’s 6. And by your own admission, you don’t cook for your family a lot. Sounds to me like he’s just made an accurate observation - and then been punished for it.
Definitely overreacting here mum.
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u/FewBattle996 Apr 07 '26
speaking as a parent who was a child of a parent who didn’t allow his children to act like children and expected us to understand our big feelings like adults when he didn’t even do that: you’re overreacting. i get your feelings being hurt and needing to take a step back for a second, & like you said even maybe show him all the responsibilities you hold (like having him help with his own laundry) but you need to be the adult in the situation. not hugging your child/ expecting him to understand how to handle his emotions or not act out as a child is not the way to go..
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u/MrsYeti616 Apr 07 '26
Agree with you, thanks
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u/FewBattle996 Apr 07 '26
of course, i hope you know its okay to have time to yourself. having things you do (like pilates) is so awesome!! you do a lot, and your family i’m sure appreciates it ❤️ don’t take it personal, i know i said / thought mean things about my mom as a kid and now i wish i could take everything back! we are all always trying our hardest
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u/MrsYeti616 Apr 07 '26
It’s a little hard not to take it personal but I’m trying. It stings bc of the negative connotation of “lazy” but I know I’m doing my best with him. He said he was just trying to be funny and that he doesn’t think I do nothing. Thanks for reaching out with encouragement!
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u/meekie03 Apr 07 '26
If what hes saying hurt you that deeply then maybe part of it is true. I understand being hurt but it sounds like youre treating him how you might treat an adult who said the same thing. Hes 7, hes probably repeating what your husband has said because where else would he get that from. Sounds like he doesnt even know why youre upset to begin with. Dont withold affection from your child because your feelings got hurt, is that how you want him to handle conflict in the future? Take away help and love from him if he gets upset?
I would instead ask why he said those things and what you do that makes you appear lazy in his eyes and talk to him about it.
Overall I dont think this is something to get that upset about and change so many things over like not help him in the shower or start forcing him to do random chores if he doesnt even fully understand what he said was wrong.
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u/MrsYeti616 Apr 07 '26
That’s a good idea, I should ask him what he thinks it means to be lazy. Thanks.
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u/anon12957 Apr 07 '26
These are learned behaviors and your child may have heard comments from your husband to be making these sorts of observations and draw these conclusions. I would be bringing your husband in on this and problem solving together.
Your child is 6. He is supposed to be self- centered and say things without thinking. That's developmentally appropriate. You're an adult and you're supposed to teach your child how to communicate kindly and regulate their emotions. Instead you're modeling immature, avoidant behaviors and telling your child that if he messed up, he'll lose your support. I also think it's odd to hold this much of a grudge against a 6 year old. Therapy might help because this is likely about more than just what he said in this conversation.
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u/MrsYeti616 Apr 07 '26
I don’t think he’s getting it from my husband at all. This is not the kind of language he uses, so I do wonder where my child would get it from. But we always problem solve together. The boys went to dinner while I was exercising, and they had a discussion about things. Then my kid and I had a talk at bedtime (I edited the post to explain further). I think I’m extra sensitive about this because I feel like most of my life is being around to support my son. So to hear him make a statement about me being lazy made me a bit unhinged.
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u/drinkingtea1723 Apr 07 '26
Honestly yes you are over reacting. He’s a child, he said something to get a reaction and honestly it sounds like he repeated something he heard someone else say because it doesn’t sound like something a 6 year old would come up with but that’s a separate issue. It’s ok to tell him it was hurtful and even to point out the things you do for him but denying affection and holding a grudge against a 6 year old is not appropriate.