Husband seeing previous toxic meta

[u/Sea_Point_2019]

My husband (40s) is seeing an old flame again after a long time being broken up. She is highly manipulative and toxic and collects partners like baseball cards. She’s always in our personal matters and I wish he’d date someone who’s great like some others in the past. I don’t understand the need to continue such a history. They were not even together long. Last time she was writing letters to him within weeks to a month in that they were meant for each other. She’d live bomb him. Give him gifts he wasn’t allowed to show anyone and then would control him into making him tell me how to live my own poly life and fit her in. He recently was seen around town w her and it’s disturbing because people think he’s cheating on me and I don’t say anything because he wouldn’t care anyway. We have a great relationship otherwise. I am
Lost. I have no idea what he sees in her because she isn’t nearly as nice as others. She’s very unattractive but I know it’s more about the person. I can see it all happening again: the manipulation, the narcissistic way she deals with him and the way she hurts his self esteem. Any suggestions?

[u/karmicreditplan]

Babe you know I dislike that meta. I think she’s bad for you. So I need you to keep things strictly parallel with me.

I’m also not going to support the relationship in any way. When you’re with her I wish you good luck and that’s it.

And if people ask is he cheating on you say nope we’re poly.

[u/Sea_Point_2019 → u/karmicreditplan]

Is it ok to say I don’t support it though? I don’t want to make him feel like he can’t talk to me if there’s a struggle. Or hide stuff . We aren’t dadt.

[u/sere_periquito → u/Sea_Point_2019]

He shouldn't hide anything that concerns you but he shouldn't be talking to you about her when there's a struggle, unless he is in physical danger. If he wants to date someone he knows is trouble he's gonna have to deal on his own.

There's a very insidious dynamic within polyamory; someone dates a person who is clearly toxic or not good for them in one way or another. Because this someone has an empathetic partner, they go crying to their partner every time something happens with the toxic person. The empathetic partner listens, reassures, offers different perspectives and gives advice. Thanks to empathetic partner, now the hinge feels good enough to try and improve relationship with toxic partner, until the next issue occurs... Rinse and repeat. If empathetic partner wasn't in the picture, the hinge would have burnt out from toxic partner's bullshit a long time ago, but since empathetic partner is picking up the slack and absorbing all the emotional labor, the hinge is stable enough to go for another round on the toxic carrousel.

There comes a point when supporting our partner with their toxic relationships becomes enabling. This includes listening to them go on and on about their struggles with said people. If you don't give him a soothing outlet, he'll have to face the fact that this relationship is draining, sooner rather than later. Don't be the cushion where he falls when this toxic partner pushes him. Sometimes we need the wounds to remind us why we aren't coming back. If you need to be DADT about this specific partner so you can stop enabling him? Then so be it.