My husband and I have a boy and a girl and are fence sitting on a third. Part of my hesitation is that since we already have one of each gender, either our daughter will get a sister or our son will get a brother and it feels like that kind of leaves the other one out. Or maybe I’m overthinking it?! In your perfect world, would you rather have 2 boys and a girl, or two girls and a boy? Are there any drawbacks to either combination worth considering? For context, my son is the oldest — he and my daughter are two years apart. The age gap would be 2-3 years between my daughter and baby #3, ideally.

Interested to hear yalls perspectives! There’s a part of me that feels like we got so lucky with getting one of each (although of course we would’ve been happy with whatever we got, I love being a boy mom and a girl mom), that maybe we should just stop here and enjoy having the “best of both worlds,” as everyone likes to say!

I am looking for perspectives from those who have navigated similar feelings of being firmly one & done yet experiencing a sudden shift. My daughter is about to turn two and is the absolute center of our world. For the first 18 months, my husband and I were 100% set on having only one child. We have a great life, but since September of last year, I’ve been hit with a wave of jealousy/sadness when I see families with two kids.

My husband is an only child who grew up with many cousins, but our daughter won’t have that. My siblings aren't having children, and there are no cousins on my husband's side. We are trying hard to build a "village" of friends with similarly aged kids, but it is difficult. I know a good sibling relationship is not guaranteed, but I still feel like I'm taking that opportunity from her. I’m not particularly fond of the baby stage, but when I think about our family 5 or 10 years from now, I feel genuinely excited about the idea of having another person in our crew. If I were younger, I would wait a couple more years, but I don't have the luxury to wait.

I am turning 39 and would need to go through IVF again. We decided to get the medical workup done after realizing that if I suddenly became pregnant, we would both want to keep the baby. We said we would start the process and see if somewhere along the way we felt a little more clarity. Now we are reaching the point where we need to actually make a decision.

My biggest fear is ruining the balance we have and I'm romanticizing the idea of having two children. We are financially stable and love to travel, and life currently feels manageable. While my husband is a great dad and puts in as much as his time as he can, he has a demanding job. I am the default parent, and the mental load of schedules and planning falls on me. I am lucky to have my family nearby to help as well, but I still worry I will be spread too thin.

Am I making this decision out of fear of her being lonely, or is this longing a sign that our family isn't finished? If you have dealt with these same conflicting feelings, how did you decide?

I (36F) have posted before. My husband (36M) really wants another child. We have a two year old whom we both love and who is amazing.

I don't want anymore. I am finally getting to sleep again, and starting to feel like myself (career wise, hobby wise, etc). I love spending time with my daughter and giving her the best of me. I struggled a lot postpartum and pregnancy was a struggle. I have no desire to do it again.

But my husband really wants it. He is a great dad. I want to want it but I don't. I keep thinking when I see other babies, something will click. Today we went to a gathering and someone recently had a second and I thought the baby was cute and cooed at him, but I did not feel that pull to have another. I was happy it was her and not me. When I see parents with two I rarely think "I want that" it makes me happy I have jsut one. My husband has the exact opposite experience.

Does your mind ever change? Will I ever feel differently? Am I supposed to feel differently?

i am at that point when I really need human Intel. I made all the pros and cons lists and chatted with Copilot (same as ChatGPT), discussed with my husband about it, but somehow I totally stuck with our decision of having a second kid.

our son is almost 3.5 years old, and I will be 40 in the summer, husband is 42. We live in Canada, but we are expats, all the families are back in Europe, with absolutely no help.

We are working full time, and however our industry (visual effects) pays well, but is extremely competitive and volatile. one day we have a job, and Hollywood decides to put on hold to production, so the other day we are unemployed. We try to put aside money to make our future and our son's future more secure, and we live a very good life, having our own home (with a huge mortgage of course), so life is good in general.

Our son is amazing, and smart, but he is a handful, we are two of us for one kid and EXHAUSTED all the time. during the weekdays is a constant juggling between job, kid and chores. and the weekends are even harder as from 6:30am to 8pm kid duty all day, we trY to tag team so we both can have fla couple of free hours, but it's usually means we have to do the chores, cook lunch, and very rarely we can get recreational time. My son is already 3.5 you and I still can't apply a consistent workout routine as something always comes along, illness, work, chores and by the end of the day I'm super overwhelmed and all I want to crush on the couch. We LOVE our son to the moon and back he is the center of our lives, and we are that kind of persona, that if we do something we take it seriously, but you know we are like this. we are thriving on routine and we built up a super peaceful and balanced household and I can see the positive effects on my son. with my husband and I we are introverted people and get overwhelmed very easily, and we did not sleep through the night for 2.5 years.

for a long time, especially because of the sleep deprivation I was totally convinced that we will be one and done. I thought it would never change. and however we wanted two in the beginning we were on the same page, super tired super touched out, very little free or intimate time.

but about a half a year ago something has changed and I started to long for another baby, around the age when my boy turned to three. almost everyone who I know has their second one already and I fear we are running out of time.

We are exactly on the same page, we can't decide if we want to start this over or not... one day we say "yeah we could do" that, and another day "hell no!".

it's funny because I feel if at least one of us would be convinced in one direction (OAD or have another one), it would be easier for the other to make the decision. but like this, I don't know what to do anymore.

I live our lives, and we have expat friends with little to no help just like us. and they had their second two months ago, and they are super happy, but their household is a COMPLETE MESS (understandably), and it's literally when one kid falls asleep during the night, the other wakes up, so they are running on fumes. they did not regret their decision, but seeing them intimidates me, whether I want to go down in this road again or not.

My biggest fear is having a second one is not that we wouldn't be able to give them the best life and attention, more like we would lose ourselves in the process as we would drown after all...

But also my biggest fear of NOT having one is that at some point in my life I will regret the decision that I chose the convenience, the career and self care for a couple of years more, and they will appear less important as at Christmas time everyone will have huge dinner tables, while there will be only three of us.

and it's horrible if I say to myself "okay, let's settle with one!" I immediately feel I don't want to make this decision, but if I say "oka let's make another one!" I also feel that I can't make this decision as well.

I always thought about deciding whether your first child is the hardest choice and it will be easier after, but for me it was an easier decision as I didn't really know what I was signing up for, and now it's harder because I know what it would mean.

Today I talked with our neighbor and she told me that she is pregnant with their second one (first is 3), and they're twins. she is super frightened, but they have two families here to help. I got super excited and congratulated her, but inside I got super upset.

I feel I can't decide anymore. someone told me that "you can't really regret having a second one, but you can regret not having it later in your life!"....

So one kid, more financial stability, more peaceful household, two more balanced parents. Or two kids, chaos, exhaustion, more expensive everything, but a fuller life?

Anyone else is/was in the same situation? Please help me!

Hi all,

Mom of two amazing kids, two and a half year old high-energy daughter and an almost one year old very chill son. Haven't been able to stop thinking about whether we should have a third since my son was born (which feels very unfair to him...). Husband is already north of 40 and I'll be at least 38 by the time we had a third. We are very certain that we wouldn't want a fourth, and that we don't want to wait much longer to have a third (don't want to prolong the young child phase or get any older.)

Pros of a third kid: We have a lot of love to give, our self-employment situations are very permissive of children and spending time with them, financially not a concern, (aging) family in the area who helps, the strong sense that there's someone missing still. Could get my tubes removed during my third C.

Cons:

-We both have ADHD, which we're only just starting to get managed with meds (that I would likely choose to go off of during pregnancy just in case, which would be rough). A third would really strain our coping mechanisms.

-I have an amazing career opportunity that I've spent the last five years working towards that is going to mean several tight deadlines in the next few years, which combined with going off of meds + baby chaos would be insane.

-Baby has 50/50 chance of inheriting a painful genetic condition that I have that both kids so far have dodged. (edit: this is a non-life-threatening condition managed with avoidance/lifestyle adjustments....limits some life activities and is probably its most difficult in childhood because kids don't yet understand those limits)

-A lot of neurospiciness on both sides of the family, strong likelihood of it manifesting in a third kid especially at our older ages and we quite frankly don't have the spoons to care for someone with high support needs. (This and the previous one are possibly the biggest cons for us...that ol' roll of the dice...)

-Husband worries about how old he'll be when a third is a teenager.

-The usual cons: house better suited for a family of four, would need a new car, etc.

-Public schools around here are not good/have gone down the Teacher YouTube path, and while we really hope something will change in the next few years to make public school work, homeschooling or private school for three kids is a lot in time or money costs.

-Aging parents who by passing would not only remove our village but also blow up our lives with their own complicated situations.

-Been lucky with my first two pregnancies not to have any long lasting health problems, and a third (with a third C section) could break that streak.

-I already don't have time for exercise and taking care of myself, a third would make that worse.

When I list them all out, the cons would seem to win out, but it's so hard to shake the desire for a third and the fear of future regret. We have a very very good life with two amazing kids right now, and I hate this feeling of trying to mitigate future regret against the odds of a third kid destabilizing us entirely. Husband I think is fine with either 2 or 3 -- he thinks life is manageable and good with 2 and fears the destabilization or a high-needs child with 3, but also wants more kids.

I have two daughters (4 and 1). The first was a slightly rough sleeper, but after about 18 months things smoothed out. The second: an actual hellscape shit show dumpster fire nightmare of a sleeper. I mean, this is the stuff that horror movies are made of. The impact this has had on me and also my family has been enough to make my partner say “fuck no” to another baby. I am almost there, but I just really feel so much grief over making that decision, especially right now when we are in the pits of hell. I know this isn’t forever, even though I truly don’t know how I’d do this again. My question is, if you had a terrible sleeper, did it deter you from having or wanting another? Did you ever change your mind once you came out of it? And was your next baby, if you had one, a better or worse sleeper (I know there’s no way to predict this)?

ETA: this is our primary reason for not having another baby.

As an only child, I love the idea of having 2 kids. I’ve always seen myself having 2. I have one perfect son (1yo) and I still feel like I would like another, but I’ve seen so many parents of multiple children say that they have zero free time after having baby #2. If you have more than one is this true for you? Is your partner actively helping you with the kids? Do you have a lot of outside help (grandparents, daycare, babysitter, etc.)? What is the age gap between your kids and are you a stay at home parent? I’m an introvert and love my free time, but I don’t think I want to give up the idea of having a second at some point. Am I crazy?? lol.

Throwaway account here for obvious reasons.

Me (31M) and my partner (soon 30F) have a lovely kid who is now 1.5 years old. She has always said she wants three kids, I knew I wanted at least one. I assumed that we would take it one kid at a time and see how we felt about the next one but that was obviously a terrible mistake.

Now that I've experienced the reality of parenting, and had some severe dad-PPD and anxiety from a bunch of my own childhood trauma and neglect being dragged up from becoming a parent, I feel very scared and uncertain about having the next kid. I could very well be one and done.

My partner says she HAS to have three kids, and that she'll be unhappy for the rest of her life knowing that two of the kids she should have aren't here. She just knows that three is the number she should have.

I feel there should be two enthusiastic yeses if we are to have our next kid and that we need to talk this through without pressure before we conclude how to move forward, but this is basically not an option for her and she is extremely sad and upset now. She feels she is out of time and needs to get started NOW with the next kid, since she already waited for me 2 years when I felt I wasn't ready to start our first kid.

I feel an extreme amount of pressure on me and am quite devastated too. She's said that she'll go and have a kid via IVF immediately if I don't want to make her pregnant. Both staying together and separating are options if she does that.

If we stay together I'll basically become a dad again anyways, just not to my own biological kid. If we separate, I'll lose a woman I love, time with my kid, our cozy home and life that we've built. And I'll probably be a dad to the IVF kid in some capacity if we separate, since I'd probably need to help my partner out even if we separate so she has more energy to be a good mother to our kid.

She recently started ovulating again and has basically demanded that I make a decision by her next ovulation. I'm disintegrating under the stress and feel devastated that it's come to this. It feels impossible to make a rational decision when I'm so sad and stressed over this.

Anyone been in this situation? How did it turn out? Anyone got words of advice or comfort? Please help me

My husband and I have a 9 year old. We live in the US. We will both be turning 30 this year. We have a 1400sq ft house that is a major fixer upper, but we live in a high cost of living area, decent homes are $450k+).

We both work full time, I am a nurse and he is a mechanic, we make a combined income of about $135k. We are comfortable. However, cost of childcare would quickly make us not so comfy.

I want to be able to go on vacations/travel every few years. My husband wants to build and open his own garage. We would like a nicer home. These are things that would financially be incredibly more difficult if we were to have a second child.

My friends have recently had their first kids, and it is making me think having another wouldn’t be so bad. I mean, the hard part isn’t FOREVER, and we’d have the rest of our lives to reach those goals. On the other hand, we have worked really hard to put ourselves in a better position and want to enjoy our hard work.

Tell me all your cons.

I have a son who will be 3 in September. He is great fun but god it’s hard! I have been unpacking my traumatic birth and postpartum depression in therapy recently and it made me more on the fence than ever of being OAD. My husband is happy either way although he is also still finding the exhaustion difficult.

Our son is great! However I feel like I don’t like the labour resulting from being a mam at all! I can think of a million other ways I would want to spend my day than parenting. We both work full-time and he is in crèche Mon-Fri. And when the weekend comes I dread the lack of me-time. I think I’m on the fence about it because as someone who always imagined having a few kids, always loved babies growing up etc. I feel like I’ve failed some societal test by only being able to manage one!

I can't let this go and it's making me crazy.

We have a 5 year old and 2 year old.

Our kids are amazing. Our life is good.

I swore we would be done at 2, but now I can't stop reconsidering this.

If we got pregnant now, we'd have a similar age gap as my current two and that has worked well for us.

We have no real reason we shouldn't have a 3rd, except perhaps our age.

But I'm just scared to try.

I think I'm scared of being judged because most people we know who are our age finished having kids a few years ago. It seems there is a social pressure to be done with the baby stage. And separately, I have some older parent guilt that sets in as well.

And on top of this, we are moving to a new state in the next year and will have to start over with making parent friends in a community that may or may not have so many older parents. I want a 3rd baby, but I also want it to be easy to make friends and have a social life in our new community.

I feel crazy over this. But I'm worried that if we don't try, for even a few months, I may always wonder "what if...?"

Edit to add: My husband is also a fence-sitter. He's currently leaning toward being done, but he's gone back and forth as well. I think if I were certain I wanted this, he would give it a fair consideration.

Hi all! Interested in knowing how you guys handle this.. recently I was at a family function and most of my family even friends know of us to be oad.. they have no idea we’ve been waffling back and forth with this decision and how hard things are behind the scenes .. it feels really isolating

We were strictly oad due to my daughter being so difficult.. she’s newly nine and easier and so the question has come up if we’re really done?

Some family friends were talking the other day and saying to a group of us oh you’re so lucky you’re done having kids… I didn’t say anything because it was in a bigger group setting.. but it kind of made me upset? Like how do ppl just assume things about this?

I don’t know it’s like I get mad when people talk down on oh you only have one?? And I get upset when people just assume we’re done 😕

I do have a close friend who knows this but currently no family knows.

So it’s not really that deep, but I thought I’d open up a space to have a conversation.

My boy is nearly 1 year old and I go through fits and starts of whether I would like another child. I found the new journey of motherhood really difficult, but that’s not to say that I don’t absolutely love it most of the time. My boy is such a dream child (except for his sleep).

When he was around 8-9 months old, I became very broody for another not necessarily right then but at some point. Now I’m leaning more to be in one and done again. Though I know I will probably change my mind again 😂.

Last night I had a dream I was pregnant with my second and I actually felt a bit regretful and disappointed. Is that trying to tell me something I wonder, or is it because of my constant rollercoaster thoughts.

Husband and I have an almost two year old and we’re on the fence about having a second. If we decide to have a second, the age difference would probably be around 3 years. My biggest fear is not pregnancy, child birth or sleep - it’s my family being broken up in two units a lot of the time. Can anyone with 2+ kids confirm or deny if it’s like this or not?

More specifically, I’m scared that once our second is born, my husband and I have to split up all the time, since our children are not at the same stage and are able to do the same things. For example, Saturday comes and my then-3 year old will want to go to an indoor playground, but our baby will be too young for it, so baby and I stay behind while husband and toddler do all these activities. I’m also worried how it will be when they’re older - Do husband and I just have to split up constantly? One of us watches one child’s soccer tournament, while the other one drives the other one to a play date? Or one has a classmate’s birthday party so one of us has to take kid #1, while #kid2 has a gymnastics class?

I don’t love the idea of splitting up all the time at all. Not just because I love spending time with my husband, but I also don’t want to miss out on time with my daughter. I don’t want a new baby split the family apart.

Is this ridiculous thinking? I’d love to have a second child, I’m just scared what this could mean for our family. I hate the idea of missing part of my daughter’s childhood. Can anyone with 2+ kids share their experience?

Thank you.

So I’m posting here because I can no longer ruminate in my head about the baby #2 decision and feel like I need someone to tell me straight if my thoughts come across like deep down I want another or am OAD.

When my husband and I (both 38 now) got married, having kids wasn’t assumed - we had a lot of deep conversations about whether parenthood was the life we wanted. He was more 50/50 and I was probably 70/30 but I slowly started moving towards 90/10 so we went for it. My first pregnancy was a miscarriage which really solidified how much I wanted a baby because we started trying again the minute I was medically cleared. We now have an amazing 2 year old son.

Since we’re getting older we made a deal to decide on baby #2 this year. For this one I’ve had a much harder time figuring out how I feel. My husband still says he could go either way and again has left it up to me to really decide. So here’s where I’m at:

* When I think about the newborn phase being over I feel relieved. I get joy from clearing out and donating his old clothes and toys - the only things I’ve held on to are more expensive items that I wouldn’t want to rebuy (and could also resell). It feels like subconsciously I’m deciding I’m done with this phase. I also have an IUD so the first step towards having a second is taking it out, and I get anxiety at the thought of setting up that appointment.

* Even today, as great as my husband is, the mental load of being a mom is a lot. It’s gotten more equal as my son has gotten older thankfully, and I do think a second would be different because we both know what we’re doing now.

* I know the first couple years are temporary and then kids get easier but part of me dreads the older years too even though it’s all unknown at this point. Having to manage all their activities, friend dramas, emotions, navigate their schooling and careers. Reading all this back it sounds like I just shouldn’t be a parent at all lol but the truth is while these feelings aren’t new, I think I just wanted my first so badly that they weren’t top of mind or I was able to look past them.

* I feel guilt over not giving my son a sibling. Both my husband and my family have weird generational gaps so my son doesn’t have many cousins close to age, plus we don’t live near family. My brother has one daughter who is three years older than him so of course as much as possible we would have them together so they build a bond as cousins, but it’s obviously not the same as having your own sibling that you’re around all the time. I guess I just worry that he will resent us for being so alone or that we will feel like we did wrong by him.

* Having a second would uproot our lives in a way that I’m not sure I’m ready for. My husband has made it clear that if we have a second kid, he would want a bigger house, but we can’t afford a bigger house in our neighborhood (which I love, I wouldn’t say we have firm roots here though). So that would be moving to another neighborhood or city altogether. He is also firm about wanting a nanny for a second the same way we had for our son. My sons nanny will be with us until he’s 2.5 and it’s been amazing for his development (he is so smart and verbal) but because I work from home it was kind of taxing on me to have someone in the house all the time and it felt like I never left mom mode. I already look forward to the day he starts preschool.

* I had a bit of PPD with my son. It’s much better now but I still feel days of mental fog and depression. I also feel like I’ve lost my footing on my career in terms of motivations and ambition. I know career is secondary to family but it still doesn’t feel good to not feel good at work. I feel like I’m not my best self (compared to pre kids) and how could I have a second kid feeling that way? As it is, my son doesn’t deserve that much less a second kid.

* My parents are starting to ask about kid #2 and I have this feeling if not wanting to disappoint them by telling them we’re considering OAD. I feel like family won’t understand and by nature I’m a people pleaser so it’s hard for me to face criticism about that choice.

All this being said - I love my son so much and I can’t imagine my life without him. He has brought so much joy to my life in ways that I could never have even imagined when we were thinking about becoming parents. I don’t know that I love being “a mom” but I LOVE and am so proud to be his mom. If someone told me I would feel this way with my second I would 100% do go for it. On our happiest days I could see us being even happier. But I also have this feeling we got lucky and my son was lightning in a bottle. I’m not a gambling woman - If I won big at roulette after one spin I’d call it quits.

Appreciate any thoughts or advice on how to navigate this!

I have two amazing children. They’re almost 6 and almost 2. Great health. Smart. Well spoken. One girl one boy.

Pregnancy was easy. Birth was a breeze.

Am I crazy for wanting one more? How dare I try and ruin what is as close to perfect as you get? It feels selfish to ask for more when it could bring things like 1.pregnancy complications, 2.maternal loss, 3.miscarriage and trauma 3.less time with each of my kids now 4.having to be unmedicated for 2 years and not the best version of myself.

I have always wanted a big family. We moved away from our immediate family to homestead on a family property. My kids and husband are the only family I have around anymore. I am one of three. It felt like we were a little group.

How did you decide the risk was worth it for number three when you have 1 and 2 right here?

We're afraid we're too old as parents.

And the age gap means the siblings would never be playmates.

So not just one, but two reasons not to have another.

Wondering if there is any argument out there against these reasons....

I’m 38 and currently stuck in a cycle of indecision that I’m hoping to get some outside perspective on. My son is 14, and my husband (35) is his stepdad. My husband is wonderful and is truly happy either way and he’s content with our life now, but open to another if that’s what I want.

I feel completely torn 50/50, and I’m struggling to figure out what’s best for our family.

The "Pros" / Why I’m considering it:

I spent my 20s raising my son and often wish I’d had a second one sooner so they could grow up together. I feel a pull to experience motherhood again now that I’m more established and have a great partner.

I see people around me having babies now, and it triggers a "now or never" feeling.

I love the idea of my son having a sibling, even with a large gap, for the long-term future.

-im worried my family will feel too small when I'm older

The "Cons" / Why I’m hesitant:

My son is 14 and is becoming independent. I missed out on a lot of travel and "carefree" experiences in my 20s because I was a young mom. My 40s could finally be the time for my husband and me to do those things.

Starting over means another 18+ years of active parenting just as I’m reaching a "freedom" milestone.

I’m worried about the impact on my son. I don’t want to take away from his final years at home or change his life in a way that he might resent.

My main questions for the group:

For those with a 10+ year age gap, how did it affect your oldest child? Did they enjoy the "big sibling" role, or did they feel pushed aside? Or maybe you yourself had this experience growing up

If you chose the "freedom" route in your 40s, do you regret not having that second child?

How do you distinguish between "baby fever" and a genuine desire to grow the family?

I’m trying to be as unbiased as possible because I truly see the beauty in both paths. Any insight would be appreciated.

Sorry for the dramatic title. My daughter is almost three years old and just recently started to sleep TTN most of nights.

She was a very challenging baby who has had a rough start in the NICU, and that has marked her first year. She's still a sensitive toddler, but poor sleep and eating aside, not much worse than average. At daycare they say she's somewhere in the middle difficulty level to handle for them, and much easier now then around 1.5 years when she has started, so we definitely see progress there and at home.

I'm 36 so we'd need to start trying for a second now. I'm honestly very hesitant, because I fear another 2.5 years of no sleep would send me to a mental institution. And I have to add my husband did and still does a lot, but we're both burned out.

Family and friends keep convincing us that a second kid will be easier, but they never took our difficulties seriously (even when my daughter was in NICU), and I don't believe they understood how colic and years of poor sleep have impacted us.

I also can't imagine how two kids wouldn't be more challenging then one.

So from this you can probably imagine I'm not so keen on a second kid, but it's hard not to see two kids as the "standard".

I'm curious to hear from other parents who had a very difficult first baby how it turned out with their second - thanks!

What are some questions you ask yourself to determine whether you actually want a second child versus if you are just nostalgic for your first baby (if that makes sense?)

My daughter just turned two, and I have been on the fence about being another. I’ve always wanted two, and financially it would work. The biggest reason I’m on the fence is sleep. My daughter was an ok sleeper as a baby, but since she was about 18 months old (so 6 months ago) she wakes up every single night, at least once, but also often multiple times. She’s not sick, not teething, and since it’s been six months I’m assuming it’s not a sleep regression.

It’s driving me insane. I work full time, and the fact that she wakes up every single night, usually between 1am and 4am, often makes me so tired during the day because I obviously still have to get up early and work, and also because I usually can’t go back to sleep for an hour or so after she wakes up in the middle of the night. Same for my husband. Her room is next to ours so it’s not like one of us can keep sleeping and the other one attends to her. If she’s up, we’re up. And it also often happens that she won’t go back to sleep for 30min to an hour. We’ve tried giving it a few minutes to see if she resettles by herself, but that almost never happens, plus even if she does, we’re still up because she cries.

Anyways, during the day I want another, at night I’m always like, absolutely not. I just don’t see how we would survive with a toddler that wakes up 1-3x every night, plus a baby that naturally also wakes up multiple times a night. Sounds like torture. I also know nothing is forever and they will all sleep at some point, but it still sounds awful.

How do you make a decision like this?

I’m curious what are the most compelling reasons you’ve heard to have more than one kid.

Right now, I fail to see how adding another kid would improve our lives collectively and for my son in the long term. All I can see is that it would take away resources / time / money from him, which is not something we take lightly. And I don’t see necessarily how adding another one would actively improve our family’s quality of life.

The most common reason people give is to give them a sibling to have someone to play with, but for me that doesn’t seem like a very good reason since it’s only a couple of years before they develop their own friend groups. I also rarely hear of adult siblings who are really close and many more cases of not getting along.

The best reason I’ve heard so far is to give them family once we are gone — I do think there is a difference between the closest friends and family.

I’m sure I don’t see the full picture so I am curious what you all have heard!

ETA: Thank you for all the quality responses! It really helped me see things from different perspectives that I hadn’t considered before.

Can't decide about a potential third! I thought we would be a One and done family so we had our first "late" (almost 34) then both really wanted a 2nd (35.5).

We have a short gap (20months) which we surprisingly liked. I will add though we have the eldest on daycare x3 a week and grandparents support the other 2. I realise I'm doing parenting easier. I’d prefer another short gap.

Points I'm considering

We have support (lots) but in laws getting old (70s). Mine in 60s and I suspect younger sibling on my side will have kids in next 2yrs.

Money not a massive deal breaker but would really impact future family holidays and travel. It would impact down the line as we'd like to provide house deposits for our children.

We are quite environmently conscious and a third obviously not ideal for the planet.

We'd almost certainly have to invest in a new car (we are a 1 car by choice).

Logistics of 3 seperate schedules with 2 full time parents doesn’t strike love but it's do able.

I'm getting old (36.5) so fertility is a factor. Spouse same age. Our kids are young 3 + 1

House is fine, it's 3x bedroom and 2x bathroom so two kids would share but we have been discussing an inter generational home to house in laws in the next 5 years anyways.

I have a boy + girl so this isn't a gender thing.

The general state of this world worries me as does being an old mom!

Almost wondering if we try for 6 months and if it happens, great and if not then we tried and that's okay too!

I have one four year old and only in the last 6 months or so I have been able to consider the possibility of a second. I was very on the fence about having kids in the first place. I mostly did it out of FOMO and subconscious biological drive more than a real desire lol But thankfully it worked out for the best and I truly feel she makes my life better, happier and more purposeful every day.

I really do what to experience all the baby years again and have a feeling something is missing in our family. But I can’t get over this fear of something “going wrong” and “messing up” the life we have. We love to travel and go on family adventures. I know a baby would slow that down for a year or two or three but eventually we’d get it back. I’m so worried though about a severely medically complex or developmentally delayed child that would end all of that possibly forever. It’s one thing to take a risk when it just affects two adults but I don’t want anything to limit my daughters opportunities. Also I’m 40 now so there is some increased risks and honestly I don’t even know if it would happen for me.

I’m torn betweeen one vision of life with an only child, traveling around and giving her the best fo everything or a life with more chaos but also more love and family to enjoy life with. Anyone feel the same? Anyone make a decision on which way to go? Anyone choose and then have a more complex child second? Would love any thoughts.

Hi! We've got one girl, 11 months. Love her to death and could see our lives just the three of us + dog. Also could see many pros to having another (and would go so far as to say I have a "pull" towards another). I don't understand how anyone knows for sure they want another kid - I know we wouldn't want more than two, but jeez. Life is so great right now and sometimes it feels like a second baby would add to that, sometimes it feels like it would hugely take away. We also worry a lot about outcomes - healthy baby, pregnancy, etc. My first pregnancy was very easy and delivery/postpartum was good (feel lucky). Our daughter is such a chill kid, and our life at home is relatively calm/routine. Hard to tell if I want another child, or if I'm just missing my kid being a baby and all that comes with it. How did you all tease out true desire to reset life and take a huge risk with another baby vs just loving the little baby stage and being sad you won't get to do that plus pregnancy again? I *sort of* felt this way about the first and overthought it to space and back and the solution ended up being just pulling the goalie and seeing what happened. When I had an early miscarriage and we were pretty sad, we knew we wanted to keep trying seriously. Kind of thinking maybe we will just "not try, not prevent" and see how that goes, but not sure!