Struggling with to be OAD or not

[u/LeanneSC]

I have a son who will be 3 in September. He is great fun but god it’s hard! I have been unpacking my traumatic birth and postpartum depression in therapy recently and it made me more on the fence than ever of being OAD. My husband is happy either way although he is also still finding the exhaustion difficult.

Our son is great! However I feel like I don’t like the labour resulting from being a mam at all! I can think of a million other ways I would want to spend my day than parenting. We both work full-time and he is in crèche Mon-Fri. And when the weekend comes I dread the lack of me-time. I think I’m on the fence about it because as someone who always imagined having a few kids, always loved babies growing up etc. I feel like I’ve failed some societal test by only being able to manage one!

[u/Spare_Caterpillar_23]

 I can think of a million other ways I would want to spend my day than parenting.

This right here is your answer.

[u/mrsbootsonthelevel]

I’ve also struggled with reconciling my expectations of having more than one kid and feeling simultaneously fulfilled and exhausted by one. I did not expect the amount of physical and mental labor that one child requires. Society expects more out of parents (and mothers, always) than it did for past generations and we also expect more of ourselves since we understand the importance of emotional awareness. On top of that, we take on individual guilt when really our lack of support structures in society and full-time work asks too much of us. Friendships also play a bigger role in our lives as our generation has moved away from families for work, etc. so we value our chosen families as well. Bottom line is if we live our lives trying to pass whatever test society has set up for a specific situation, we will always fail.

[u/LeanneSC → u/mrsbootsonthelevel]

Thank you so much for your comment! I find it so hard seeing friends of our having multiple children and part of being in therapy is to stop myself from straight away thinking that that somehow shows that I am doing it wrong rather than the more probably fact that their situation is different and they may have resources be it family, financial etc that I don’t have that allows them to feel like they can manage more than one. Though I definitely struggle with the perception that I can’t also “manage” more than one

[u/mrsbootsonthelevel → u/LeanneSC]

I get that too. It’s easy to fall into the mindset that I’m not strong enough or my partner isn’t strong enough to handle two. But I think it’s important to remember that you don’t need an “justification” to not have another one, like finances, village, labor, etc. Wanting to have just one and focus all your attention on them is ok! I’ll never forget my friend who has two young kids telling me, “there’s no such thing as gentle parenting with two,” mainly because you have to yell because you can’t be in two places at once. There was a lot of yelling in my household growing up and I absolutely do not want that for my child. I am also very close with my younger brother but we are also very different people and I can pinpoint many times that could have pushed us apart if I had a different level of patience. Everything in life is a trade-off and everyone analyzes it differently.

Definitely check out the subreddit r/happilyOAD and look at the comments in there.

[u/Orion-Key3996]

You sound solidly OAD. Your worth is determined as a parent by how well you treat your child, not the number of children you have.

[u/Few_Recognition_6683]

I'm also from Ireland and my daughter will be three in September. I was really on the fence, leaning OAD. I felt the same way as you for the most part. I couldn't get the idea of two older children out of my head though. I hesitantly decided to go for it and I'm pregnant currently. I thought it would take awhile to get pregnant and kind of wish the gap was bigger 😅 No idea if I'll be happy with my decision in the end or not but here we are. I think if you aren't sure, there is no harm in giving yourself 6 months of not really thinking about another child. Then reevaluate. Do that again if you still don't feel the drive for another one. It's a tough decision!

[u/AdLeather3551]

I think working full time a 2nd child is more daunting as free time is so precious. Wouldn't surprise me if stay at home or part time working mums are more likely to have 2 kids

[u/Ophidiophobic]

Seems like everyone else has the advice part covered - but where are you that "crèche" and "mam" are the words you'd choose?

[u/LeanneSC → u/Ophidiophobic]

I’m from Ireland

[u/Full-Swimmer7911]

It is great how self-aware you are! Generations before us just didn't know any better. It was believed that women were basically born to breed. They didn't go to college or make careers for themselves; their life was being a mom. More and more women today still feel they have to do what those before us did, on top of holding a career and without a village. This was never meant to be done alone or while juggling a whole other life outside of mothering. It is okay to be happy with one. Women of today are finally coming to the realization that it is okay to stop at one and take care of themselves. You do what is best for you!