r/Shouldihaveanother • u/WorkLifeScience • Mar 31 '26
Fencesitting Worried I wouldn't survive a second child after difficult first baby
Sorry for the dramatic title. My daughter is almost three years old and just recently started to sleep TTN most of nights.
She was a very challenging baby who has had a rough start in the NICU, and that has marked her first year. She's still a sensitive toddler, but poor sleep and eating aside, not much worse than average. At daycare they say she's somewhere in the middle difficulty level to handle for them, and much easier now then around 1.5 years when she has started, so we definitely see progress there and at home.
I'm 36 so we'd need to start trying for a second now. I'm honestly very hesitant, because I fear another 2.5 years of no sleep would send me to a mental institution. And I have to add my husband did and still does a lot, but we're both burned out.
Family and friends keep convincing us that a second kid will be easier, but they never took our difficulties seriously (even when my daughter was in NICU), and I don't believe they understood how colic and years of poor sleep have impacted us.
I also can't imagine how two kids wouldn't be more challenging then one.
So from this you can probably imagine I'm not so keen on a second kid, but it's hard not to see two kids as the "standard".
I'm curious to hear from other parents who had a very difficult first baby how it turned out with their second - thanks!
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u/candyapplesugar Mar 31 '26
2 kids definitely won’t be easier. I’m in the same boat. Super hard first. I know I would be a worse mother to my kid- stretched more thin, shorter patience, less self care for me which would show up in my parenting- I love my kid enough to know that for us it’s the wrong choice. I also always think- it could be worse. The second kid could have some sort of medication condition or be nonverbal or something worlds harder. That doesn’t mean it’s the right path for you. I truly wish someone could hand me a happy, healthy 6 month old baby girl and I’d be so glad, but I personally cannot roll the dice again.
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u/WorkLifeScience Mar 31 '26
It's like you're reading my thoughts 😅 Honestly I think we're 99% OAD, just having these occasional doubts. I'm sometimes not even sure what was worse - having a hard baby, or having people gaslight me that it's a "normal hard" baby. I have zero wish to go through any of that again.
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u/candyapplesugar Mar 31 '26
No way. People take their babies to restaurants, on vacations, etc. we couldn’t leave our house because of the bloody murder screams. We did not have the same experience as mothers of easy babies
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u/WorkLifeScience Mar 31 '26
Thank you for saying that ❤️ it's really validating. And I'm so sorry you also had to go through that as well.
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u/Sudden-Individual735 Mar 31 '26
The standard in Europe nowadays are only children I think. Most of my oldest son's friends are only children. Your kid won't be the odd one out without siblings, on the contrary, we have three and we're the crazy ones lol.
It's also YOUR life and your family and therefore your decision because you're the ones who have to live with it. Others can feel how they feel like, but that's it! I get how these things can sway you, though.
As I said we have three and personally, it's worth it to us. My second is indeed easier, we'll see about number 3 lol.
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u/beltacular Mar 31 '26
My first was/is very challenging- Nicu, horrible reflux that turned every feeding into an hour scream fest, OT for the picky eating and emotional regulation and speech therapy for a significant speech delay. I was very hesitation about adding a second but honestly our second is a breeze in comparison. There are definitely some more logistical challenges than before, but overall expanding our family has been easier than anticipated, and having an easier postpartum experience was definitely healing.
That being said- kids temperaments are a role of the dice! If you knew for certain the second kid would be easier, would you want another one? Ultimately I knew that even if the next two years were hard, I pictured two kids at our table in the future. So we went for it, but if you don’t see/want that future, there is nothing wrong with OAD. I have several friends with only 1.
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u/erinstoker Apr 01 '26
I’m right there with you, except mine is still a baby. It can really feel frightening to consider taking the gamble. I battle this thought every day so I don’t have much advice to give other than asking yourself if the long run you envision will be worth the now
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u/WhiskeyandOreos Mar 31 '26
My second is easier by a country mile. Granted, you have exactly 0 control over the temperament of a kid, so it really is a game of chance what kind of person you create.
Personally, I feel like I'm a way better mom to 2 than I was to 1. Something about the way 2 pushes me to really be intentional with them vs itching to get some rest time. I'm better able to find rest while I spend time with them (which could come down to having an easier baby and a toddler that's not as physically demanding as she was as a baby, but who knows for sure).
That said, if you're not craving another child for the sake of another child, it sounds like you don't need to have another. OAD is a perfectly valid family structure.
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u/WorkLifeScience Mar 31 '26
Thank you for your perspective! My toddler os 10x easier now, but she still needs me so much physically. She needs me to fall asleep, when she's sick she literally lives on me, and generally loves to cuddle now (unlike when she was a baby - so I'm really enjoying this now).
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u/mama-ld4 Mar 31 '26
My children’s temperaments have not been difficult, but I’ve had miserable pregnancies and years of not sleeping through the night because they’ve been terrible sleepers. My second also had complex medical issues that caused us to spend months during his first year at the hospital in the NICU and PICU. We still have 3. We’re considering a 4th. The struggles, while real and hard, are temporary. It’s a season compared to a lifetime of joy with your children. I think if it’s something you imagine for your life, plan and put into place things that can help you (night doula/nanny, extra family for naps, etc?) and find a way to make it the most manageable you can. Personally I would regret not growing my family because of lack of sleep, but everyone is different and has a unique take that only you and your husband can really decide what it’s worth to you.
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u/WorkLifeScience Mar 31 '26
Thanks a lot for your perspective! For me it's not just lack of sleep - it's the impact on my mental and physical health. Also what I can secure for my daughter's future. It's goes deeper than what I wrote in the post, because I don't want to write all that.
I also come from a very problematic family, so I struggle to see family as only positive (unfortunately). So if we would have a second child, we'd have to think hard and beyond "every child is a joy" (and that's a valid reason, just not for us taken our experiences as children in our families).
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u/tvaddict1234 Apr 01 '26
Doesn't sound like you want a 2nd
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u/hapa79 Mar 31 '26
My first was the challenging kid, and my second is the easy one - so, it happened for me and was a huge relief. But there aren't any guarantees, and even an easy second kid is exponentially more work than just one.
My oldest has a lot of close friends who are only children, and at least from the outside (plus plenty of inside knowledge, since I know all the parents) that life has far less mental and financial stress than if they had more than one kid.